The Reasons For My Choice

Been Awhile?

2007-10-04T18:51:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've used this thing. But I'm nervous, bored and just generally freaked out right now. Here's the story:

Matt Dang? That's over. I died right about the time collegee start, it just finally faded away. We chit chat via Facebook, but that's it. But there is a new boy.

Brenton Bridgeforth. *sigh**swoon*

I met him at this "Speed Dating/Freshman Meet and Greet" thing. No, hes not a freshman. He's a Junior/Senior. (He's graduating in 3 years.) He was the guy in charge of it, but beacuse there were more girls then guys, he had to participate. So once he gets to me, we start talking. We had a nice 3 minute conversation and I found in him interesting (and good looking) and apparently he found me intersting as well because when our 3 minutes were up, he suddenly announced a 5 minute break, but wouldn't let me leave. He offered to get me a snack, then we kept talking. It was very nice, it wasn't just chit chat either, it was an intelligent conversation. He's studying psycology and social work, so he's intellegent *happy sigh*

So after the break, I sneak out because the friends that had dragged me there had ditched. So I left, smile on my face and get (characteristically) on the computer. I look him up on Facebook, friend him, etc. We then start talking, here's the thread:

B: so wha are a few things which u want to do before u get too old?

J: learn Japanese, hit the three major cities of Japan (Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto) then spend a few weeks touring the country side, taking in the culture, visting shrines and temples, etc.help to change the teaching of history. History is known as a 'boring' subject because it is usually taught as simple memorization of facts, dates and names. When really, history is much more interesting then just learning dates and things. History has the opportunity to be the best subject possible. There's debate, discussion, and analysis possible. More teachers of history need to teach intigrating those ideas. publish my own book of poetry.What about you?

B: i dont know if my list is as long as yours but...a few things are:- gettin my motorcycle ( this will be soon though, 3 yrs i believe)- take a cruise tha would tour the world- have my own practice (give me years and tha will happen soon enough)- marry and have kidsstart my lil entrepreneur thingy afta i get outta college- be an accomplish musician- skydive / bungee jump jet ski , parasail- seadiving or the easier one- learn nijiseu (didnt spell tha rite at all)- go and tango at a club - and thats about all nothin to big but its not small at allbut u say history is interesting rite? but if so then shouldnt both sides of history be taught and not just the winner's side??to make it fair and even? and memorizin' facts is wha most do in the word is it not? so why should students do any differ?

J: I think your list is larger then mine. And yours goals are practical at least. lol I'm a huge advocate for learning both sides of history. Knowing both sides is where the fun in History is. That's where the debate, discussion and analysis is. If you only know one side of the story, what can you argue? Also, I'm not saying that memorizing the facts isn't important. It's vital. But the facts should be learned not just to regurgitate them onto a test or in a paper. The facts should be learned so that you can use the facts in discussion. Also, discussion, debate and analysis helps you further learn the facts. The whole thing comes full circle. I suppose my major point is that students shouldn't learn the facts just to pass a class, but should learn them because they can use them in debate. Not only that, but use them to better understand the world we are in. Because if you understand how we got where we are, you can have a better chance of seeing where we are going.

B: so how did we get where we are?? by ur understanding of history??? well sure u can argue but will it be a good debate huh?? so wha else do u enjoy?

B: okay discard tha last message cause ha will take a minute. something tha i would like to ask u if u dont mind, would be wha made you who u are (and dont give me a few words like my life get into a lil detail por favor, gracious

J: That's not an easy question to answer. The cliche, but still true answer is my family, friends and peers. They always play an role in making a person who they are. Your family teaches you values while your friends and peers get you involved in new and different thing. But if I'm picking something other then just famiy and friends, then I guess I'd have to say that my battle with deprsesion has been a major factor in making me who I am.

B: ok wha do u plan on doin today? i'd rather talk u in person so wha time do u have open today?

Ok, so after that, we met up. He begged me to let him read some of my poetry. So we went to Cold Stone, (he didn't let me pay or open my own door) and he read some of my stuff. Then we talked again. Both about important things like "what is love, lust and like" and silly things like DBZ and Final Fantasy. The he finds out that I have never played Halo, and according to him that is just wrong, so he drags me out of Cold Stone, drives back to campus, sits me in his room and helped me play Halo.

At this point, I'm thinking "damn, what a nice guy. Ok, note to self. No likeing him." So we run into each other a bit more, talk via facebook, makes plans to meet again for more Halo, etc. After the 2nd Halo session I realize, that fuck, I fell for him. *sigh* But I say its not my point. I mean he's so wonderful. Here's some more about him:

Taken me out for ice cream.
Invited me to his room (to play Halo).
Refuses to let me open my own door.
Walks me to wherever I am going when I leave.
Refuses to let me pay for anything.
Asks about me, like genuine deep questions.
Helps me when I'm failing in Halo (and I swear I dont mess up on purpose sometimes! <_<>_>)
Used me as a pillow.
Worries if I'm cold or tired, or whatever.
Tries to make me laugh.
Invites me to his room for movies
Offered to let me take a nap in his room when I'm tired
Offered me a massage
Plays bass guitar
Compliments my hair

Yeah, he's pretty wonderful. Just wonderful. So latest news. Aside from the fact that about 4 other girls like him, 2 of which I'm friends with, like him. I got a new number Monday (as you all know) and I called him to tell him. (I thought that was a nice touch.) So at about 9:15, he called me and asked for help planning his haunted house in Ondrak. So he picks me up from Jaeger and during our walk from my dorm to Ondrak, he says that last week he noticed a "change" in how I spoke to him. (Odd, since we didn't really speak much.) And he asks me "what do you think about when you speak to me?" I then tell him that that was a loaded question. And he says he knows, and gives me until after Gospel Choir Thrusday (aka today at 9) to tell him. After that we work on the haunted house, then watch tv, him using me as a pillow again. ^_^

But this question had been weighing no me. WTF is this shit!?!?!??!?! I was trying not to think about it too much the last few days, but now its just an hour and a half till practice and I'm freaking. I dont know exactly what to say. I'm not gonna lie, but I'm nervous as fuck. Me + emotional honesty= BAD!!! I mean, if I can do it, this will either make or break something. Like, I have a HUGE chance of being bitten in the ass and it freightens me. I'd worried guys, like I'm starting to shake. Wish me luck, please. I wouldn't ask for this, but pray for me. Cause I need to lean to be fully honest with people so this is important on more then just a superficial level.

ttyl and hugs for all,
---Jessica

Aishiatte tsutaeatte motto soba de kanjitai no
LOVE LETTER from my heart
LOVE LETTER for your smile
uchiagetai kono omoi wo
(Loving you and saying that I want to feel more close to youI want to confess my feelings)
---BoA, Love Letter, Love Letter

Gone

2007-06-09T00:50:00.001-05:00

Monday is Matt's last day at Subway. Last, final, no more. I'll prolly never see him again after that. Never speak to him, never laugh with him, never confide in him, never touch him again.

What am I gonna do?

Maybe this is the perfect chance to get over him. But do I even want to get over him? I care for him so much, and then suddenly *poof* hes leaving. Maybe I should feel special, I was the 1st person he told because we spoke for like half an hour the other night. And even thought I had an warning that it might happen...

It hurts. Like after he left, Iris came on the radio and I wanted to cry. I dont know what to do. Hes notorious for not keeping in touch with people after leaving. Hes done it to Brad, Indre, Tom, Jason... I dont chance at seeing him again. Hes gone guys, the hot, smart, funny, caring asian that I've loved for so long, is finally leaving my life.

I'll never see him again.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man
And be strongI've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're
Gone
---Nysnc, Gone, Celebrity

In Two Places

2007-06-03T00:50:00.000-05:00

I'm a tad confused right now. You all know how I feel about Matt. I'm head over heals for him. But suddenly, I realized that what I always thought impossible, might just be happening to me.

I think I like another guy too. As in, I like two guys at once.

I always thought it was impossible. That there was no way I could like more then one guy at once seeing as how invested in a person I have to be, to like them. Yet there I was with the taste of jealously churning my stomach. My brain frying at the very idea. And now I idea wont leave me. I'm not sure yet. Or rather, I dont want to be sure yet. So I'm testing in the upcoming event. Who knows, maybe I'm being crazy. Maybe its just that I'm desperate. Hopefully I'll find out soon.

*sigh* What the hell is wrong with me. I keep picking guys that I not only have no chance with, but I shouldnt date. This one is worse though. I've really hit the low. This is the one guy that I CANT like, and here I am, thinking I might have a feeling or two for him that more then just friendship.

Pray for me, pray to whatever you worship. Please dont let this be true, or Cupid and I are gonna have to have a nice long chat. *grabs Ryuu*

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

“Cupid's a dodgy little bastard, he is!”

Ron looked up from his latest death prediction for Professor Trelawney (Attack by a thousand enraged exploding budgrigars), confusion evident on his face.

“How d'you reckon that, mate?”

“Well, it's obvious, really. Look, the barmy little blighter never ages. He flits around wearing nothing but a nappy, shooting his blasted arrows all over the place, not caring in the least what damage he does.” He tossed his hands up in agitation. “I ask you, is that a proper sort of job to have? I think not!”
--- Dodgy by AKA_Hagrid (AGREED)

EDIT:
I think it died. The feelings for the 2nd guy. *lets out deep breath* That makes life a million times easier!

Recap and Update Before Its All Said And Done

2007-05-20T21:02:00.000-05:00

The last, however long, has been emotional hell. Every tiny little thing pissed me off, or made me cry or something. It was crazy. I even snapped so far as to kinda talk to my mother. Yeah you read that right, I kinda talked to her. Enough so that I think she may lighten up a bit on her bitchy ness. I also have to go to the doctor on Thursday. Whatever. That'll be awkward! *sigh*

I worked with Matt today. It was brilliant. It was pointless and stupid and I felt so alive! Working with Matt is the only time I really slack off and not work my but off when at Subway. I'm too busy enjoying myself. Novel concept right? Enjoying myself. I hardly enjoy myself doing what I like doing, let alone at work. I dont know what it is, but...

Ok, I lied. I know what it is. He makes me feel alive. When I'm with him theres no pretending to be happy, its all real. I smile because I mean it, not because its expected. I laugh because he really makes me think that life's ok, not because I should. I'm real around him, free and happy. *sigh* Today was the 1st really good day I've in forever. I mean, I've had decent days, but not good days. Not great days. Not days where everything seems alright, where all I could think of were happy thoughts. *smile* I want this feeling to last. Forever. I want to repeat today for the rest of eternity, just to feel that great.

I'm such a sucker. I know it. I know I have no shot. None of at. But... I can dream right? I can hope.

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Jessica

I'm waiting for the phone to ring
And all the wonder love should bring
All the things darling I left behind
Please give me a sign
A little smile would light my life
A single touch would blow my mind
---Nsync, Crazy For You, Nsync

Wicked Relapse

2007-04-12T23:45:00.000-05:00

It all started at Wicked. I was sitting there, staring at eye candy and listenting to I'm Not That Girl. It was great of course. And while I was sitting there, singing softly along I started to tear up. And I thought of Matt. I was like "what the fuck!" But I quickly put it out of mind. I chalked it up to the fact that I'm not completly over him and it would take my mind some time to reorganize with the new mode of thinking.

Except yesterday, I kept thinknig about him. Not a lot! Or even in explicit terms. I'd just randomly be like... "la la la, Matt Dang. Oh shit!" But I chalked it up to the same excuse.

Then today, I was talking to Steffi, telling her about the truth of Subway and what not and I even told her that I used to have a crush on Matt. I figured it wasnt a secret and it might explain our bickering. Except Matt got to work after 1) MJ bitching to me about him for litterally, half an hour and 2) Steffi and I getting SLAMMED!!!!!!!! She kinda got thrown on the line and she handled it wonderfully and was great. We even have a bit in common. But I wont go into detail now.

Anyway, so I'm not in the most inclined mood to be nice to him. Especially since I had been, annoyingly, thinking about him. So he walks in just as our rush is ending (26 in a half hour thank you!), meandering and taking his sweet time, with nothing in his hands. Yup! He forgot his uniform again! Then before he even gets to the computer to punch in, his phone rings. So after everthing calms down I, naturally, hit him with my visor. Several times, and throw it as him too. Ooops! There goes my attempt at non-violence. Oh well.

So after bit, John and Tim come in. So naturally he talks to them for over an hour. Leaving me to work, train Steffi and not kill him. He did some customer, but not many. Steffi prolly doesnt have the best 1st impression of him. Good thing he's usually able to get past that. But beyond, that I was pretty annoyed with him and all, but couldnt help but find him annoyingly intriging. I kept looking at him (yes even his ass. Oh man those were some nice jeans! ^_^), I knew I kept mentionin him and everytime I spoke to him, it was rude and sarcastic. And once he was done talking to his friends (at about 8 when Steffi left), all we did was bicker. It was like old times, when I knew I was smitten. And thats when I knew it for sure.

I've relapsed.

I didnt even last a week! No, just a few days of not having him constanly in my head and I'm back to staring at his ass and wanting to make out with him. It like hes a drug, coke thats in my system and wont leave me alone. But oh! The high I get. I know it will lead nowhere, but the feeling, the adrinaline rush..... Its worth it. Almost. I think...? *sigh*

Of course, I know nothin's possible. But it only makes him annoyingly more attractive! I know hes not perfect. Far from it. But hes kind at heart and sweet, and fun and intelligent. Of course hes also cocky and egotisical... But who isnt to an extent? And how much of that is true? How much an act? I mean I've had him say some genuinly sweet things. Things I dont think he releaized he was saying. Things from the heart. And hes so supportive! When I told him about my cousin he was so sweet! And I can tell him things and he'll give me a bluntly honest opinion.

And I dont feel the same around anyone else. He puts a smile on my face whiles hes driving me nuts! And I know that in a relationship with him, I wouldnt be #1 in his time and that I wouldnt be treated like a princess. But I'm not the kinda girl for that treatment. I like hot gay sex and power tools. If I go a day without speaking to you, thats cool. We have seperate lives other then each other and commitements we had before we got together. I do expect to be spoken to but I dont die if we miss a day. I dont need fancy dates. The occasionally movie and many dinner is cool but hey! Sitting around and talking or watching a movie at home is cool too. Its the little things that count, like sharing a few nice words then knowing everything about you. I wanna learn about you slowly, no rush, no pressure. I dont wanna be treated like a princess, like I said, I'm a wood shop kinda gal. You can tell me to shut up, you can treat me like one of the guys, you can joke with me and have random arguments with me. I'm not delicate and I wont be treated as such. And I know that in a relationship with Matt, that's prolly what I'd get. And I think thats what I need. Someone I dont have to hold back with in any way. Someone who can contend with me physically, mentally and intellectually. I need a challange, I need a fight. And Matt's a challenge if I've ever seen one!

Oh and have I ever mentioned hes hot? ^_^ And apparently Shaffer agrees with me now. But I've had words with her on that. Though it is nice to know I'm right. Cause that is one hot asian. Rapable I must add. Oh yes, rapable. I want him, I just want to kiss him and find out its not what I thought and move past. Or just yell at him to get out of my head and my system; to release me from his spell. Turn off the hot smile, take the hot ass away from me, keep the personality away and never come near me. Cause I know nothing will ever come of my emotions. *sigh* Well, despite this set back, I'm not giving up hope. I need to keep my male prospects open over summer and next year. Who knows, I may never even see Matt again after I leave.

Oh God that's scary.

What the fuck is wrong with me!?

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

"Thats one hot asian in a polo!"
---Shaffer *shakes head*

Cut It Loose

2007-04-08T18:59:00.000-05:00

As many of you may have heard, I was conducting an "experiment" the past week or so. No one knew what it was except Shaffer. I didnt want a lot of opinions ruining the data. I had to be sure about this. This was important. This effected my love life, social life and employment.

If you havent guessed yet, it had to do with Matt. But not in the traditional sense. Let me give you the back story that started all this.

Wednesday Night at Work. Matt walks in with three of his friends. Yeah, it was kinda annying, especially cause I was gonna ask him to Prom but it didnt bother me too much. I figured I was just getting used to it and could ask later. So after a while they leave and Matt and I work and chit chat until John and (who I call cause I dont know his name) Quiet Guy come in. So hes sitting talking to them and I'm grabbing the sauce bottles and I hear John say something like "You had a half-naked girl in your bed!"

My first thought was "Ok TMI, I didnt need to know that." By the time I go back out there to grab a few more bottles, John addresses me. He tells me that in Florida some girl with a boyfriend even got into Matt's hotel bed. And he didnt do anything, not a thing! Apparenly cause he actually "cares" about her.

My response was to say that perhaps Matt was an idiot. Then it hit me. I wasnt crying inside. I felt a bit of discomfort, prolly mostly from the fact that I really didnt need to know this. And that if I was meant to know, Matt himself would have told me. But I wasnt about to ball my eyes out, I wasnt uber jealous.

And then it hit me. I may be over Matt Dang. But I couldnt just let one day, one event answer that. No I decided to test my theory. So I put Prom out of my mind and went to work.

The next day at work I was gonna surround myself with him and gauge my reactions and compare them to my reactions at the hight of my feelings. Problem being, we were so busy we hardly talked. No such luck then, I couldnt fulfill my experiment if he wasnt around for me to talk to. So I took Sam's shift for today, Easter and got to work.

We were dead today you see. Our busiest hour was a 10. The rest of the time was like 2 or 5 or something like that. We must have talked for... geeze of the 5.5 hours I was there, prolly 4-4.5 hours. Our work took no time but for a bit he was on his phone. But mostly, it was undisturbed Matt Dang time.

We talked about everything from scary moves, to Indre, to marriage/sex, to BBQ Sauce. Yeah, we have a wide range of topics we talk about. And well, I enjoyed it immensly. Truely I did. Our talks are always an interesting look into the male mind. As well as being entertaining and stimulating. But I didnt feel very many twinges of emotion. I didnt find myself staring at his ass. I didnt want to jump him.

Dont get me wrong, hes still one hot asian. As well as being entertaining and interesting. But I think I'm over him. Or at least beginning to be. I think that now, I can not constantly think about him and how much I love him but still not hate him. I can work with him more or less free of emotion but still enjoy his presence. Its an amazing idea.

With Neylon, it was either love or hate. But with Matt.... I think I can just be his friend yet still care for him deeply. I still find him interesting, but I no longer crave a relationship. If for some reason he decided he'd like to try something, I'd think about it. But thats not top on my list anymore. None of this is 100%. I've thought I was getting over him before. But a few months later my emotions burst back up, stronger then ever. But for now, I'm fine with where I am.

I still dont know the full extent of how this works for our friendship/co-employment and what not. I just realized it not too long ago. And a few days of questioning cant beat a year and a half of love. But still, its a step towards being free. I think I still love him/care for him deeply, but I'm less obsessed. And with time, I may completly get over him. Who knows. All I know is that my obsession is over. I can just be Matt's friend now. Maybe even pursue hanging out with him without fear, cause hes an entertaining guy and I wonder what it would be like to hang out with him outside of Subway and my emotions.

I dont know where this will lead me. But I'm ready face whatever comes by way in the form of Matt Dang. Friendship, co-employment, relationship or nothing. Who knows but let whatever may come, come.

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Jessica

"What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does."
---Rubeus Hagrid, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Never Ending

2007-03-31T03:10:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think that my pain, my struggles will never go away.

My past sneaks up on me.

I find my self wanting to hug someone I know could use it and I don’t. Not because I don’t care but because I don’t know how to hug someone. I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t touch people. I know logically, that my past doesn’t make that so, but I can’t help it. Its so degrading, so dirty, so…. Unnatural. I’m just so sick of dealing with things on my own. But I don’t know how to tell anyone. I mean yeah, I’m close to Shaffer and Tracy. Closer then I thought I could be. But I just don’t know how to get over my past. Thank you Ashley Pulley, you successfully ruined me for life. I’ll never be the same, I’ll never be what I could be, have what I could have, go where I could go. Cause you marked me, made me different. Cut me off from others. I’ll never be able to have a real relationship cause I’ll always be in fear of touch, in fear of my heart, in fear of what I am.

My future looms before me.

Selfish as it may sound, I feel like I have the ability to do great. Like, I have what it takes to make a difference in this world. Like a new age Gandhi or King or something. It’s horribly self absorbed but I really think I can. I have this urge to change the world for the better, but I don’t know how. I’m only 18 and I feel like I’ve already wasted my life. I mean, I’m graduating soon and I don’t feel like anyone at that school will me miss. It won’t be years from now that people will remember the name “Jessica Rhodes” like they will Christina Sun, Dave Simnick, etc. I’m a no body at that school, just a number. The potential I think I have is wasted away making sandwiches for people I cant stand, and sets with people that I often find my self wanting to hit. I fear that I’ll never be more then mediocre. My writing is all I think I have and really, what good is that? My friends don’t even recognize me for that. I doubt they’ve even read the vast majority of my stuff. And by writing I don’t mean this damn Blog or fucking fan fics. I don’t pore my heart and effort into them. No I mean my poetry and occasionally lyrics. Those are my soul, my spirit, my heart and my life. Could anyone I know please recognize my accomplishments?

My true self lies elsewhere.

I don’t feel like I belong. I really don’t. Growing up bi-racial/bi-cultural or whatever may be the cause. But I don’t feel like I belong. At home I’m the odd ball. Strange rock tastes, coupled with intense liberalism drizzled with an unnatural obsession with anyone asian/Japanese. At school, yeah I may look like I fit in. But most of the time, I just can’t stand to be around you guys. There’s a piece missing. I thought that you guys getting more into anime was a good thing but no. In the end I’ve lost all originality. I can’t wait to be the odd ball, Asian obsessed one the group next year. But still that won’t solve the problem. The only time I feel truly whole is when I’m doing something Asian. Reading books on Japanese history and the art of war feels me with a sense of completeness. Like that’s what I was meant for. Maybe my past life was a samurai, I dunno. But this world isn’t what I belong in. This “American” culture has no virtue, to rules, nothing. It values money and winning above honor, pride and duty. And there can be no lasting society without those three. Oh, you say that American has been around for a while? Japan has been around almost as long as China and its culture is still based on hard work, honor and duty. And they’re doing just fine despite things such as, loosing WWII. I bet America couldn’t last that shit.

My compassion cowers in fear.

I’m an extremely caring person. I know you all find that hard to believe, but its true. I care so much that I pretend not to care, just to save my sanity. I want to help everyone, solve everyone else’s problems before my own. Again, sounds like I have an ego, but its true. I don’t like to cause anyone trouble. That’s part of the reason I don’t talk to others about my troubles, I don’t want to cause drama. That’s the reason I usually don’t confront people, I don’t wanna cause drama. I just want others to be happy, successfully and peacefully. My life is the life that is meant for pain and hell. And I accept that on the terms that others around me are happy. So as I watch him suffer. I can’t help but feel like I’m not doing my job. Am I not suffering enough for him to be happy? Am I not caring enough to help him through this? How do I show him I care more then I did? Did I miss my chance to help the other day when he came by work? I just want those around me happy, but especially him.

My life is a drop.

I’m a drop of rain. Not enough to be called a storm on its own. Just part of the storm, part of the cycle, nothing special what so ever.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

And I just wished that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
---Linkin Park, My December, Hybrid Theory

Empathetic

2007-03-26T22:54:00.000-05:00

So today sucked. Matt's going through shit right now and that makes me feel like shit. Like I can barely focus on anything, I feel lazy and even a bit woosey. Its nuts. I just hate being empathetic. I care entirely too much about people. This is part of the reason I tend to push others away, caring this much is draining. And I dont know how to care less without making myself feel like shit for not helping. *sigh*

To kinda satisfiy myself I wrote Matt this:

Ok, so I’m a very empathetic person. I can’t stand to see a person I know
going through something and me not help. It just drives me nuts. So this is my
attempt at helping you with your Quarter/Mid-Life Crisis with what little I know
about it.

Tennis: You’re going to play despite those three not playing. Sure,
your team won’t do as well. But could you sit by and watch them do even worse
because your not there? Plus, you love the game. You know you wanna play.

Shah: Yeah he’s an idiot. I personally think he’s kinda funny, but
don’t let him being an idiot bother you if it is. He’s 28, perhaps its time for
him to grow up a bit.

Girls: Apparently you asked Tim for advice on females. Yeah… that’s
kind of a bad call. You’d have been better asking me considering I am a girl and
Tim is just the wrong person to ask. So, if you’re thinking of asking someone
out, just do it. Why would you get rejected? You’re a great guy. Much as I call
you an ass or a jerk or any number of things (Geeze! Am I ever nice to you? How
do you stand it?), you really are a nice guy. You’re a good listener, I know
I’ve found myself telling you things I didn’t intend to say. You’re a good
talker. You’re intelligent. (I mean, you are asian right? jk) You’re stable, aka
you have money seeing as how you have two jobs. (Women love that.) You are
obviously able to commit to something seeing as how you have two jobs, play a
sport and go to school full time. (Another thing we females tend to love.) And
you’re a good looking person. You wont get rejected. And if you already have,
well she kinda missed out didn’t she? Like I said, you’re a great guy, much I am
often times loathe admit.

Life: You’re 20 years old. You’re life is really just beginning. You
have a bright future, don’t worry about that. You’d have to really fuck up to
not having a good life.

And for any other problem, just think of all the lovely compliments I
just gave you and that should perk you up, right? Well I hope so, cause like I
said, I hate seeing people I know upset. And sorry if I’ve crossed some sort of
line that maybe I shouldn’t have. But like I said, I just had to help somehow or
at least make myself think I helped.

Oh and as for my last piece of advice. Talk to someone, even if you
just go to them a rant, it helps a ton. Plus, they may be able to give you some
advice. If you want, rant to me. I’m pretty good at giving advice, just ask the
girl still on your waiting list.

ttyl and better days,
---Jess

I still havent decided weather or not I'm going to send it. *sigh* I'm a chicken shit. No, I make chicken shit look good. Fuck me.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
---Mandy Moore, Only Hope, A Walk To Remember Soundtrack

UPDATE: Yeah I sent it. And all on my own without making people encourage me. I'm kinda proud of myself. ^_^ Now for this worry to go away...

Never Love A Doctor

2007-03-17T22:47:00.000-05:00

Another crap day at work, this time thanks to....... TIM! Heres the story:

So I walk in in a good mood, carmel machiatto (sp) in hand, land piece of Robins costume bought, tax shit mailed in and almost 20 minutes early.

First let down: Tim let Matt leave early, so no last one second view of him before Florida.

So I get to work, and I'm talking to Tim. Remember, hes not as bad lately so I can handle it. There I am, making Tuna when I hear the words that make my heart stop.
"Matt's got a new crush now."
Yeah folks, he really said that. He proceeded to explain that theres some fucking 17 yr old from North that he thinks is hot.

Yeah, I dont know if its true, but still folks. I lost it. The thought that some bitch I go to school with is who he rather have, the thought that I really had no shot, the fact that Tim would tell me that... yeah I broke.

I started hypervenelating (sp) and was gonna call Shaffer when I realized I left my phone a home. Then, through an act of God, Fate or ESP, she walks in. I rant to her and I'm so broken that she gives me a hug and it didnt bother me. She then hits and yells at Tim as I sit there about to cry and wanting to just get shot in the heart. (Because the heart would just make it appropriate.) I thought of using Ryuu, Chuujitsu, or Saijitsu to do it, but then the blood would rust on the blade and thats not cool.

Shaffer, again a miracle, gives me her iPod to borrow (cause my Zen is on the fritz) while she goes to photograph the Spring ppl. Listening stopped my blind rage at Tim. Now that I think about it, he kept looknig at me like I was gonna blow. Didnt talk much either. Damn, I even scare (technically) grown men with my rage.

Then Shaffer came back and let me rant some more. After she left I wrote From the High. Another emo love song. Then after I stopped writing I went back to being angry and depressed. I'm sure I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. I almost cried at work too. *sigh*

I really hate this. I mean I cant confirm any of this. Shaffer says Tim says he doesnt really know anything, but still. Just the thought.... I really wanna die right now. I've been being a bitch all night. I cant control myself. This just is bull shit. How much of an ass do you have to be to say that to someone? I mean sure, Tim doesnt know that I'm emotionally unstable or that I'm in love with Matt. But he still knew I liked him. Thats bad there as it is.

I really hate life. Can I just leave this world yet? Please? I promise I'll be good and do whatever you want; if all this will just end.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

Emotions twirling, twisting within my heart
The sight of you sending me over the edge
Your body feet from mine
Your body my temple, you my god

Please don’t forsake me god
Please hear my prayer
Accept my sacrifice

I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder

The words flowing like lava from my mouth
I told you everything, my demons I shared
Your ears were open to me
You fought for me, as you plotted against

Please don’t ignore me love
Please listen to me again
Accept my love for you

I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder

Do you hear me say I love you?
Do you hear my voice echo in your heart?
Do you know that I would die
without your attention?
Do you care that I’m falling?

I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder

Please don’t forsake me god
Please hear my prayer
Accept my sacrifice

I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder

I’m dying, dying
Oh dying, dying
Yes I’m dying inside
with you so near
---Jessica Rhodes, From the High

Not What I Expected

2007-03-11T23:05:00.000-05:00

Today was one messed up day at work. I almost cried several times, it was nuts. But later I was totally happy. And all cause of Matt. And worse, I cant even hate him for whats happening to me. Its not his fault that I'm nuts, and he doesnt return my feelings.

Its the 2nd week in a row where talking on the phone to his friends has been more intersting then talking to me for like 80% of our shifts. I know its stupid to over react over this, but oh well. I just cant help but think its a sign or something. I was so upset, like this was his way of telling me that he doesnt care about me like I do him. I got all emo and depressed cause I felt that I had no shot and had offered my heart to the wrong person, again. Like I said, I almost cried a few times. I just wanted to die or something. I was so upset I almost started yelling at him. I wanted to so bad. I just wanted to yell about him toying with my emotions and ignoring me and how much I love him.

Instead I got kinda shirty with him a few times, and I was really quiet. I couldnt even look at him for a while and I kept sighing and walking away from him and trying not to be near him at all. It was nuts And I think he could tell, cause I'm NOT quiet and I DONT give up opportunities to stare at him or be near him. But then towards the end of our shift he sat with me in the front and we talked and shit. I didnt get any response on the coning or my hair. (which truth me told I wanted him to like. Oh well I work with him Tuesday and he better say something then to redeam himself.) And suddenly he was all helpful, like he knew I was getting pissed/hurt/whatever. *sigh* But at least I finally have a game plan on how to handle MD.

Plan:

Start to give up on him. Or at least try to think of him less. Hard to do, but I just want to not get my hopes up more then they are. Right now they're pretty low and I think thats more realistic.
Read Dateable while hes in Florida. I know that sounds desperate, but hey I got the book for my b-day so I might as well read it and try to put it to use right?
Confront him. I know, I know, you dont believe I'll do it. But I will. Once he's back from Spring Training, I'll confront him. Just be like "Ok, sry if this gets awkward but I need to know. Is there, or has there ever been, a chance of us getting together?"

I know, easier said then done. But I'm so absolutly fed up with this shit. I mean, now I'm starting to dred working with him which is NOT cool. I need things straightened out. I need answers. I'm a sagittarius. Its in my nature.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

Step back and get some distance from the current situation instead of fretting over what you think you did 'wrong' and 'right.' The conditions are changing, and you need to be able to adapt.
---Yahoo! Horoscope for Sagittarius

Selfish

2007-03-04T23:04:00.000-06:00

Ok, I havent updated this thing in a while and there are a few topics that I need to adress. Three topics, actually. These topics include: Friends, Neylon, and MD.

Friends:

I've got no major grievences right now. I'm just getting annoyed with people again. A LOT! I cant explain it. It just feels like I cant be myself around you guys. I have to be what you want. I know no one is asking that of me. But I just dont know how to truly relax around you and not think.

And there are some people that one minute I love you to death and the next, I kinda wanna kill you. I'm tired of being judged. Yeah I feel judged around some of you. Perhaps thats part of the reason I cant relax around you. I dont want to her hurt.

Neylon:

I know this topic is supposed to be dead but I feel it needs to be revisited for certain reasons. Lately Neylon has actually been popping up places near me. And when that happens, you see a Rhodes (Yes Rhodes cause thats who I am to most of you, even if thats not who I want to be) that is unhappy, even a bit hostile?

I DO NOT HATE MATTHEW JAMES NEYLON!!!!!!!!!!!

You dont believe me, and if I were you I wouldnt either. But I really dont. I just dont want him near me, cant have him near me. This is how I view that whole situation: Neylon was in my life for a reason. That was to teach me to open up more and to love. He taught me those things, and after that we were supposed to go our seperate ways. Thats what Fate dictated. But we didnt listen. We tried to remain friends and in the end we both got hurt, both got confused and both got thrown off track. Now that I've realized this, I cant let him near me. Doing so could cause trouble for me, him and eveyone around us cause Matt Neylon and I are no longer meant to be friends. I look back on the times I had with him fondly and with great love because some of those were the best times of my life. But thats over. Very over.

MD:

Yeah, Matt again. What can I say, that boy causes me great trouble. I dont really know what else to say about him. It just feels as if no update on this Blogger would be complete without mention of him. Hes the highlight of my life and the most confusing part of it as well. Hes the one person I feel free with. No mask, no fear. Just me and him and being a girl in love. He accepts me. At least I think he does. And thats all I need. Well I want more, crave and desire more, but I know thats not gonna happen cause I dont deserve him.

I know you think this is a self-pitty trip, designed to get attention. But I really feel this way sometimes. I just have so many things in my past (depression, suicide, molestation, etc) that just make me feel so unclean like I shouldnt even be near him. Yet I am, and was makes it worse (better?) is that he knows all this about me. He knows the full story behind all of that and still he treats me normally; jokes with me, talks with me, cares for me?

Sometimes I just get filled with so much love for him I dont know what to do. Dont know how to release it or express it. Sometimes I think he's toying with me. Knows I'm falling for him fast and is using that for his amusement. And then I feel horrible for even thinking that! Hes a nice guys under it all, how dare I accuse him of such an evil deed?

The other times I think hes trying to tell me something. Like he'll explain his theory that girls like guys that are assholes. And I cant help but wonder if thats supposed to be an explaintion for his actions. Or he'll ask me my opinions on things like sex, marriage, etc and I think maybe hes thinking of me in those terms. Then other times he'll say that the Friend Zone is impossible to get out of and I remember that he once told me I was in his "circle of friends." Then his friends will say things like "where's you girlfriend Jess?" or "when are you gonna take Jessica to Chinatown again?" And I think that maybe its their way of trying to get him to do something. Or perhaps its a way to make fun of me and my feelings for him. Then I feel horrible for accusing them of these things when they've never been anything but nice to me.

Then there are the really low times when I remember what Neylon used to accuse me of, of looking for signs when there werent any. And then I feel desperate and pathetic.

There are just so many signs that could me everything or nothing. How do I respond to them people? How do I decipher their meaning? If they even have one at all.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

Baby I wonder if you feel the same as I do
I wonder if you're going through the things I'm going through,
---*Nsync, Two of Us, Celebrity

Royai

2007-02-11T01:01:00.000-06:00

I want him. Thats all I can say.

And I dont mean just sexually, I mean I really want to be with him. I think I love him. And that scares me. Everyone I love leaves and hurts me. I dont wanna get hurt, I dont wanna lose Matt. Hes so great. Smart, fun, handsome, stable, witty, intelligent, and caring. I adore everything about him. And as often as I think about how much I want to rape him, I think about how much I want to love him three times as much.

Hes like the Roy to my Riza. Yin to my Yang. At least thats how it feels. I know that sounds dumb, seeing as how young I am and that we arent actually in a relationship. But I cant help how I feel. I cant help that my heart screams out his name when I'm hurt, alone and sad. I cant help it folks.

And I dont really know how to handle it or make anything happen. At least this way I have him. It may be only as co-workers and friends (if that). But I have him.

How did he become such a necessity in my life? My anchor, my dream. How did that happen folks? What do I do? I'm afraid.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms
---Avril Lavigne, Fall To Pieces, Under My Skin

Do You Ever Think Of Me?

2007-01-27T13:46:00.000-06:00

Last night, I got annoyed with Matt cause he was on and off his phone last night. And I know it sounds stupid, selfish and irrational but I view the time I get to work with Matt as my time. Its the only time I get to see him and as bad as it sounds, I want him to focus on me. *sigh* Stupid, irrational, selfish and stalkerish, I know.

I just care about him so much that I cant help but want to spend as much time with him as possible. I really need to just get over him. Its not like somethings gonna happen and this feeling of hallow exhaustion after seeing him can get annoying. I mean most of the time I see him and I'm all giddy and happy and I feel like I'm on that high for a while. But then sometimes after I see him I feel empty and almost used. Like he knows the effect he has on me and just likes getting a reaction out of me. *sigh*

Really folks, I need to move on. But how do I? I mean I care for him so much and I know him pretty well. And hes one of only a few people that I am comfortable with even in awkward situations and I can talk to him so easily that its scary. My heart screams affection. What does his say?

Tell me what to do folks. I really want to just talk to him but I dont know how and honest to God I tend to forget. I'm usually just so happy to see him or talk to him that I forget to even bring it up. Plus, how do I bring it up? I wish I knew.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder If you ever think of me
---Vanessa Carlton, A Thousand Miles, Be Not Nobody

Cheated

2007-01-21T21:19:00.000-06:00

I always looked forward to senior year, ever since being a freshman. It wasnt necessarily because then I'd be older or in charge of the school or any of that. Its because it was supposed to be my year.

Our year.

That's all I ever heard Neylon saw was that senior year everything would be different. All the people that kept us apart would have graduated, we'd be fine again, we'd do everything together. He promised me that senior year was going to be our year. All I had to do was hold on till then.

Well, he was right about one thing, everything is different. But its not our year. We dont even speak. I dont have my best friend back, I dont even have a best friend at all. We arent together, I'm not with anyone.

I feel so cheated. Everything I held out for for so long, is simply not true at all. I was lied to, mislead and now I'm alone. I dont have anyone to share anything with. There are a few that I can tell some things to but I dont have what Neylon promised me. Its such a let down.

I hate being lied toe.
I hate feeling cheated.
I hate being alone.

Is it so bad to want someone? Is it? Its not that I need to be in a relatinoship to be happy or something or to validate my existance. Thats not it at all. I'm just tired of being alone. I shouldnt have to be alone. I see Sam and Dustin together and tons of other couples and I cant help but feel like shit. Cause I have no one. I have MD, who I oogle at and argue with but thats not going anywhere and I know it. Its all in my head.

Its at moments like this that I simply want to give up. I know its stupid and dramatic, but I hate this feeling. The feeling of being not worthy of anyone, of being unloved, unwanted. The feeling of being disappointed, the feeling of being lied to, cheated.

Where's my happy ending? Where's my romantic gesture? Wheres my cliche? Where's my prince charming?

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

"I want to fall maddly in love."
---My Xanga

Yet Another

2007-01-05T20:40:00.000-06:00

So I'm now 100% positive that my mother doesn’t give a crap about me. I was trying to talk to her last night about my plans for school next semester and she wasn’t paying attention. Any time I spoke to her the last few days, she cut me off or changed the channel. I even brought it up and said that it annoyed me and she didn’t care. Not only does she not care about what I say or think but she doesn’t respect anything I like or want to do. She still thinks I'm going to go to Law School. She said that again last night and she had the nerve to look almost disappointed that I want to be a teacher. She’s never cared about my life and future plans before, why should she have the right to care now? That pissed me off, really pissed me off. Then she made fun of Evanescence, again. She makes fun of everything I like actually, always has. And I'm fine with that, the only thing I don’t want her to make fun of is Ev. I even tried to tell her that I hate it and she simply repeated that making fun of Amy Lee was fun for her. Further proof that my mother doesn’t give two shits what I say.

Oh another funny story. The other day Troy, my mom and I were watching TV and some mother-daughter thing comes one. Troy (jokingly) suggests we do it. My mother then comments that we dont need to cause "Jessica and I are already close." I had to keep myself from laughing. It was so funny! So ludicrously funny! As if!!!!!

But now, the final straw. I saw a quote last night about a mothers love and crap like that. Then I copied it, put it in an away message and laughed at it. Then I never logged off last night. My mother IMs me today while I was out and that’s the away message she sees. She says nothing. Not anything online or when she gets home. This pisses me off so much!!!!!!!!!! It’s not right! I have no support what so ever in this house.

And then people wonder why I cant open up to them or yell at me for not talking to them. Well I've never had anyone there for me before, not even my own mother. It’s hard to believe you will be. I've spent my life since shit started when I was 3, learning to hide my emotions and tears. I've been alone since then, I don’t know how to open up. But I'm so tired of being alone, so tired of crying, so tired of being cold, I'm just tired.

I guess shrinks are right it does all start with your mother.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
---Anna Nalick, Breathe (2am), Wreck of the Day

Bah Humbug

2006-12-25T23:05:00.000-06:00

I hate Christmas.

The commercial comsumer attitude.
The Lack of religion.
My inability to feel religion.
The forced family togetherness.
The let down of present opening.
The fake cheer.
The sudden and fleeting humanitarianism.

I hate Christmas. Thank God its almost over.

---Jessica

"Bah Humbug!"
---Ebinezer Scrooge.

One Is The Lonliest Number

2006-12-18T00:45:00.000-06:00

So I'm trying to sleep and I cant. Wanna know why?

I'm lonely.

And I dont mean in the "I have no friends" way but in the "I have no boyfriend" way.

Yeah...

Cassye and her boy friend came by Subway today and it reminded me how much I hate being single. Like really really HATE it. I cant even remember the last time I was asked out. Or hit on. Or anything.

Whats wrong with me? What am I doing that so horribly wrong? Do I come off too strong? Am I really that ugly? I've always thought I was at least mialdly attractive. And I've tried to not be too overbearing. Do guys not like it that I feel more at home in a wood shop, covered in paint and saw dust then in a beauty shop, covered in makeup and hair spray? Do guys not like a girl that can contend with them not only intellectually but in a male dominated area like wood working? Does that make me a freak?

*sigh* I hate this. I wanna go on a date. I dont care if its not Matt, I just wanna feel....

attractive. Cause lately I havent felt that way. Not at all. Not once. My aunt is all "oh youre gorgeous!" but shes my aunt, shes kinda required to say that.

Maybe I should dress nicer. Do my hair more. But then I wouldnt feel like me. And God knows that whatever I wear will just end up covered in saw dust. And I refuse to change who I am for a guy.

But maybe thats what I have to do. Give into the stereotype, be "girly," and ignore my love of the sound of a table saw, the smell of saw dust and learn to love hair spray and eye shadow.

Is that really what it takes to be loved in this world?

---Jessica

“Cupid's a dodgy little bastard, he is!”

Ron looked up from his latest death prediction for Professor Trelawney (Attack by a thousand enraged exploding budgrigars), confusion evident on his face. “How d'you reckon that, mate?”

“Well, it's obvious, really. Look, the barmy little blighter never ages. He flits around wearing nothing but a nappy, shooting his blasted arrows all over the place, not caring in the least what damage he does.” He [Harry] tossed his hands up in agitation. “I ask you, is that a proper sort of job to have? I think not!”
--- Dodgy by AKA_Hagrid

Good Bye

2006-12-13T08:43:00.000-06:00

I've had all I can people. I've stomached the things you've said, ignored the stupid things you've done and accepted the people you are. I've even reached out, the only way I know how. And no one's really cared. Besides from Tracy, not a single one of you have really done anything to try to help me or talk to me.

Not one of you! Not one in the entire time I've been using this Blogger. A year! Thats how long and none of you have cared. I've written in plane English that I wanted to die and none of you cared enough to try and talk to me about it. My teachers, people who barely know me, have been more worried about me and done more to help me then you who are supposed to be my friends. Thanks a lot guys, makes me feel loved.

Can you see why I'm tired of this shit? If we're all really "friends" then the moment I posted the things I've posted you would have come to me to help. But not a soul did. Cause we really arent friends. We're people who hang out sometimes or have known each other for a while but we are not friends. Not really, not truly.

So I'm done pretending. I'm done trying. Yesterday was the final straw. I'm out of Crew, I'm out of this "group" and most of all I'm out of all of your lives. Dont call me. Dont IM me. Dont come by Subway to see me. Dont try. Cause its too late folks. If you're only caring now that things have gone to shit, then you never cared to begin with.

But because with some of you I dont hold much personal hostility I'll give you few personal explainations.

Sam: You've never really done anything wrong. But hey, you've never really done anything right either. You share the same misconception that Marina does. That because you have a "best friend" (and question the validity of your relationship with her) you cant really be there for others. And your apology yesterday, while it was nice. It really meant nothing. Cause its just too little too late.

Marina: Actually you dont get a nice personalized statement like Sam does. Cause you have done shit wrong. I even told you about it and you never changed a thing. You claimed you didnt want our friendship to end but you didnt even attempt to try and fix it. Youre a liar and a hypocrite. Thats all I see you as. Harsh but oh well. I've lost all respect for you. Youre really quite lucky I didnt hit you yesterday when you yelled at me. You have no idea how much I wanted to. I rather talk to Neylon then you.

Jeremy: Again I really hold no hostility toward you. But you too are ensnared in the (as I call it) "Marina Trap" which makes you feel as if she is wonderful and perfect and you must sacrifice for her. *shakes head* Its really sad, you're a good kid too.

Emily: Though I spent most of summer and the majority of fall annoyed with you, you never really did anything wrong. So again I have no hosility toward you. You just fell for the M Trap as well. So sad.

Shaffer: Yet again, no hostility toward you. I'm just sick of everyone I know. I'm just finished with all of it. Nothing personal but I'm done.

Rest of Tech Crew: Aside from being highly annoying a lot of the time, I have nothing really against you. But I'm beginning to hate being near you guys. Not neccessarily because of any one or few of you but because I'm tired of people.

Alright there you go. That's my good bye folks. It was nice (at times) knowing ya.
---Jessica

Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
---Linkin Park, Don't Stay, Meteora

EDIT:

Alright, so I'm a little calm now. A little. I'm still not necessarily "friends with you guys." But I've also decided ignoring you is useless. So heres a last chance so to speak. I'll stay as "friends" with you guys until winter break. And we can still hang out on my b-day and shit. But know that nothing is the same. Not a thing. We arent close or anything of the like. But we can be. I just need you guys to show me you actually, I dunno, care. And dont me asking how I am. THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone can ask how I am. Doesnt mean they care. It just means they have some manners.

I wish I could tell you guys how you can show me you care. Cause if I knew that then I'd have said something long ago and fixed things. Anyway, I have no desire to stop being friends with you guys. I love you all but you guys are just so.... FAKE. (And I dont mean the manga) I mean you guys just never seem to care. And I'm not just talking about me. With Tracy all of you were ready to give up on her as well. And with me, Marina, a person I thought I was good friends with, just gave up at the first sign of a hitch in our friendship. See what I mean by you guys not caring?

Long story short. Things need to change. Otherwise I really am just gonna leave you guys.

Also, please note that I stand by my personal statements I made earlier. Perhaps those will tell you what you are individually doing wrong. I hate asking people to change for me cause you should be able to be the person you are but damn it, besides leaving you all entirely, I dont know what else to do. I've tried just getting over it, but that doesnt work. So maybe this will. *sigh*

---Jessica

Master Card

2006-12-01T15:22:00.000-06:00

Not being able to find our winter coat: annoying

Having your mother bitch about random shit again: irritating

Not likeing setting up something for Crew: a let down

Realizing that Crew doesnt make you happy in the slightest any more: saddening

Re-Realizing that around people you just act like the way they want you to act: bleak

Seeing that another person you were close to has hit the same status as Neylon: depressing

Having all this hit you in about 3 hours time: fucked up

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

Show me what it's like
To dream in black and white,
So I can leave this world tonight.
--- Breaking Benjaming, Unknown Soldier, Phobia

Stuck on Repeat

2006-11-26T21:24:00.000-06:00

Yeah so the more I try to talk to people, the more I realize that I'm fake. With a few people its ok, I dont feel as fake or like anything's forced. But with others I just sit there thinking, "wow has it really come to this? Digging for conversation from absolutly anything. Forced answers and rolling eyes."

God, its almost like Neylon all over again. On a way different scale of course but process and feelings are the same.

Its sad.

I miss how things were. I wanna go back to being happy. I hate this. I'm on the verge of tears right now as I sit here thinking about how none of my friendships will ever be the same again. Ever! That I'm loosing them all.

Oh yeah, they're right there. I see them all the time, interact with them. But I'm still reserved. Still hiding. I found myself but I'm not showing it to anyone. I dont have anyone I can really trust with my vulnerable self. I'd like to think that I can trust Tracy but I dunno. Like we've said many times in the past, sometimes were both just too messed up to help the other.

It makes it even worse that as much as I wanna talk to someone, I dont know how. I really just dont. I have two IM convos with my friends open right now and I cant tell them any of this. Its horrible. Maybe I should just give up. Resign myself to the fact that I dont have anyone. And wont have anyone.

*sigh* I knew my feelings would fuck up again soon. At least I got to enjoy Friday/Saturday. Thats more then I thought I would get.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

So I said to my reflection, lets get out of this place.
---Frampton Peter, Temptation.

Human Hypocracy

2006-11-24T01:21:00.000-06:00

*smacks forehead* *shakes head at self*

I've been doing well. Pulling away from people and their bull shit was going great! Then I start hanging with Tracy (not blaming her!) and I begin to remember what its like to be able to talk to someone about their problem and help them understand it.

I miss it.

I know! I'm a fucking nut job! I dont want people to use me but I'm accustomed to helping people. Like right now Sam and Marina are "talking." I have no idea what about. I mean I can guess but I have no real idea. And I somehow feel left out. Like I dont matter. At least before I mattered. I mean its really hard not to start talking to folks, especially Marina.

This is so fucked up.

I cant have it both ways. I know that! But its hard to not do things you've done for ages. So I guess I'm done with Phase One- Find Self. On to Phase Two- Reintigrate. I need to hang out with people more instead of just heading straight home all the time. Hopefully while in Phase Two, I'll find someone I can trust, then I can move onto Phase Three- Open Up. Yeah, that'll be the hardest phase.

*sigh*

I really hate being human. I know whats gonna happen. I'm gonna start hanging out with folks again and start feeling that isolated feeling again. Then I'll start getting annoyed with people and get angry again. Then I'll be back to square one.

Oh well. I gotta try sometime.

Wish me luck,
---Jessica

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
--- Avril Lavigne, Nobody's Home, Under My Skin

Please Tell Me What A Friend Is!- Part 2

2006-11-15T21:59:00.000-06:00

I just thought I'd update on how my life was going. Not really much better. Things with my friends are better in some ways and worse in other ways.

1. What's "Hanging Out"?
I'm pretty content with only see them in school and at work. That doesnt mean I want them visiting me but working with Sam is ok. I dont really like seeing them outside of school, work or Tech stuff though. Tracy may be different. We hung out the other day and it was ok. *shrugs shoulder*

2. Down to Two
Yeah so Marina is kinda off the list of people that I can still stand. Sad but oh well. I spent about a week and a half ignoring her until she asked me about it and yelled at me for accusing me of things she claims arent true. (I stand by my statements 100%.) We "talked" which was pretty much me saying the same thing I've said on here and other blogs a thousand times. But whatever.
After that I'm still not really talking to her. I'm not ignoring her like I was. But I have no desire to really spend time with her. I dont see the point. I was there to be a Substitute Sam/therapist. And well, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people coming to me to rant and shit but me no being able to turn to them. Oh they say I can but its bull. No offense guys but deep down you know its true. None of you actually want me to come to you about my problems. You prolly wouldnt know how to react if I did. So whats the point?

3. Surprise Addition
Besides Marina whos now on the "I dont really wanna talk to you" list, now Deepti is. Perhaps its hypcritical of me but I'm getting tired of her not listening to me. I mean, I've been telling her for months to just cut Archit from her life cause hes just like Neylon but she wont listen. Then she comes to me and rants about what he did while I tell her again, to CUT HIM OFF! But why listen to me? I dont know what I'm talking about. I didnt spend almost two years in a dance of lies and broken hearts with Neylon. Oh wait! You should, I do, I did!

4. My Own Status Quo
Still lonely. Nothing will change that. Cause as much I love you guys (despite how harsh my words on here sound) none of you really provide what I need. You guys provide escape from my problems. But I'm tired of escaping, of running. I wanna fight them and fix them. And I dont see how you guys are helping me do that. So I'm stuck alone. But its my own making, so whatever. Its, as always, my problem to deal with.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

"Whats the point of being the therapist for everyone if they dont listen to what you have to say?"
---Me

The Masquerade

2006-11-06T00:41:00.000-06:00

The Masquerade

Oh joy! A masquerade today!
What fun and games it will be
To choose the person that people see
Sophisticated or lame
Rich or peasant
Oh what to be at the masquerade!?

Fun’s what I seek.
This mask has colorT
he eyes are cut with a twinkle and outlined in a smile
It goes well with this vibrant dress
With red and gold so rich and bold
No one will know me at the masquerade.

Moving ceremoniously, almost systematically
The learned dance contains a beauty
Intricate moves, well rehearsed
All preformed with people unknownS
ecret identities
You can be who ever you want at the masquerade.

What it was at the masquerade.
A game of lies and spies
Finished now and to home I return
To my true self; to the pain I hold
Sleep now to ease the pain
Dreaming of the masquerade.

Waking up. Oh joy!
A masquerade today!
Time to choose the person that people see
A mask to hide the pain
Cause everyday is a game of lies and spies
When life is an endless masquerade.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's better? To be surrounded by people but feel isolated, alone, different, and fake. Or being alone but knowing that you made yourself that way?

I dunno the answer folks. Cause if I knew, I'd do one of those things. I cant decide. I love you all so much, I love Tech Crew and Technical Theater more then you'll ever know. But I'm just so sick of being fake. Thursday you all saw Jessica. Antsy, hurting, alone, sad, and generally messed up. Friday and Saturday you guys saw Rhodes. Falsly happy, joyous and an all around fun person. But I'm tired of being two different people. I wanna be Jessica again. I miss her. I miss being myself.

The last person to know me as Jesscia (at least for a while) was Neylon. See after reading and IM convo today, I decided to go back and reread some of Neylon's and mine old convos. And guess what? I even mentioned to him almost a year ago about the very thing I've been talking about lately. About feeling like I didnt belong. A year I've been saying this and trying to fix it. And not a damn thing's changed. The only thing I manged to do was make a better mask, make a better Rhodes. Though Jessica is still miserable.

Jessica is tired. She doenst wanna be alone anymore. She doesnt wanna hide anymore. But shes scared. Whenever shes come out shes gotten hurt. Either by parents who ignore her, cousins who sexually abuse her, friends that leave her, boy friends that toy with her heart or friends that dont support her. Shes just to scared.

But despite that all I wanna be Jessica again. I wanna stop crying so much. I wanna be happy. I wanna have someone to care about me and be there for me when I'm down. I dont wanna wear a mask, I just wanna be free.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again
---Evanescence, Lies, Origin

Techie No More

2006-11-04T00:12:00.000-06:00

Yeah, so after this show I'm pretty much cutting myself off. I'm just sick of people. I mean, there are some that I can still stand, sometimes. But generally, I'm just done. I loved the time I had with Tech Crew but I cant handle it anymore. Especially some people, Marina's been my number one annoyance as of late. Leaving these guys means leaving Tech Crew which means I'll really have nothing to do except work but oh well, I'll get over it. I'm gonna miss Technical Theatre. I was really beginning to love it. And Ron all but promised he'd try and make sure I Stage Managed a One Act. Oh well, thanks for the thought Ron but I wont be around. Looks like Euchre during 6th hour is gonna suck. I wouldnt leave if I didnt have to.

I'm just sick of meaningless relationships. I rather be alone then surrounded by people I have no true connection with. I'm sick of one sided relationships. I'm just sick of my damn mask. I slipped into it again today. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for the each with which I pretend to be happy and betray myself. I'm sick of it. So after tomorrow's show, I'm done. In the mornings I'll so to the library and I can go there during lunch too. The during early dismissal I'll go straight home. That means the only people I'll see are Jeremy, Shaffer and Sam. Jere and Shaffer during 1st and Sam at work. Yup! Sounds like a plan to me.

I'm getting back all the shit I have out and tomorrow I'm giving the Thomases back their SoulCal. Then I can sucessfully cut myself off. I wish I didnt have to work with anyone or see them in class, but oh well, what can I do? Thanks to Neylon I've gotten pretty good at avoiding topics I dont wanna talk about. Joy! I have to give that kid props I really do.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

"The things I've said to you, softly, in the dark..."
---Dan Wood as Bert Cates in Inherit the Wind

Incapable

2006-10-29T20:12:00.000-06:00

Yeah, so I'm incapable of a few things. Here the list:

1. Being 100% honest with people. There are some people that I wont lie to. But that doesnt mean I tell them the whole truth. Yeah, just now was an example of that. I hate to admit it, but Neylon's ability to avoid questions is a good tactic. Annoying as hell if you on the recieving end but useful as hell for the one trying to avoid something.

2. Having close friends. No matter what, I'll get annoyed with them. I know thats natural, but when I get annoyed with someone I think is the closest I have to a good friend, I cant let it go. And theres no point in telling them cause thats who they are. I cant ask them to change for me.

3. Telling people my problems. I've taught myself for so long not to tell anyone my problems or issues, that I can. I may tell you something, but thats either a) old news, b) not the real issue or c) not an important issue compared to others I have.

4. Being normal. I cant even be happy with tons of people around me. Even at the parties, I got annoyed. Like all of that was fake. If I hadnt gone, the party still would have been great for everyone. So what did it matter?

5. Being content. Even surrounded by people I long for just a little bit of love or contact. Not the fake hugs that get passed around Crew like AIDS, but a real hug that contains love and effection that is directed only towards you. God, I dont even know what that feels like. My mother hugged me and told me she loved me before I left for Emily's. Instead of feeling loved, all I felt was akward and annoyed. If shes gonna say, how bout acting on it!

Its almost nice that no one reads this thing anymore. I can say whatever I like. Cause if anyone read this, I'd have to hold back. But no one reads it cause if they did either a) I've be commited, b) I'd be sent back to Jacoby or c) Someone would ask me about it. But none of that has happened.

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Jessica

After all this time i try to understand this pain
No excuses so i find a reason to run away
To run away
---Revelation Theory, Leaving It Up To You, Truth is Currency

Please Tell Me What A Friend Is!

2006-10-22T21:08:00.000-05:00

/frɛnd/ friend Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[frend] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun
1.a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2.a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3.a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4.a member of the same nation, party, etc.

So that’s a friend huh? Well let’s see how that works for me.

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

Personal regard? Well I don't really respect any of my "friends." Most to me aren't even real people. Ok let me explain. Their people, I know that. But I don’t see substance. I see..... bodies. Heck, I even see souls in those bodies, but not souls with substance. I see nothing there I should "regard." Attraction? Seeing as how I avoid them unless it’s an official Tech event, how is that attraction. If anything that’s repulsion. That goes back to the no substance thing. No substance=nothing to relate to=no reason to call you a friend=not friends.

There are, of course, exceptions. I see some substance in a few people: Jeremy, Sam and Marina. That’s all. With the Thomases, well I see substance, so there for I don’t go out of my way to avoid them. (Better then I can say for most of my "friends.") Though we don’t talk about anything of importance. At least not usually. So the substance is there, or at least potentially there, but not utilized. So we aren’t really friends, I just see them as more then just walking bodies.
Marina on the hand I do nothing but utilize that substance with. I feel almost as if the only reason she comes to be is to vent, so to speak. She can come to me and talk, maybe even get some advice and support. So instead of being friends I'm like a therapist meets support group.

Did you see friend anywhere in there? Didn’t think so.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter

You have to have substance to give support right? You can’t help if you don’t have anything to help with. So that cuts out most people at the get go. Again, we are left with the (Forgive my crude Latin skills) Teneo Tria. [Enduring Three] Well as I said, with Jeremy and Sam the substance isn’t really utilized so no assistance or support there. I’m still just as lonely and miserable as ever. I still cry myself to sleep most nights and I still hate my life. They offer and all that, which is nice, but I can’t go to them. I don’t know how to utilize their substance. I have to have a basis with you to go to you. No firm basis with them.
On to Marina. For a while I thought that there was support there. I thought I had someone to go to and talk to about my problems. But I soon found out I’m just a substitute Sam. When she and Sam aren’t getting along, then I get talked to. If she can’t talk to Sam about it, I’m the one she comes to. But if Marina and Sam are cool; if she can go to Sam with her problem, then I’m left out of the picture. Want proof? Here ya go. She couldn’t talk to Sam about Adam, so I got talked to. She wasn’t getting along with Sam at the beginning of the year, so I got attention. Not enough proof? The vast majority of what we talk about is Sam. If Marina is unsure about something or annoyed with something, then she comes to me. (And I don’t mean to be self-centered here. I’m sure she talks to other people when mad at Sam like Christine Shu but I’m focusing on me here. Sorry folks.) I’ve long suspected that I was simple a substitute Sam, but now I’m sure of it. Support? Not really. That simply means I only get support if she isn’t getting along with Sam. Oh yeah, that’s something to base a friendship off of; whether or not someone is getting along with another of their friends.

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile

No hostility? Well half the time I wanna punch people like Brittany and Emily in the face, so they’re thrown out of the window. The rest of my “friends?” Depends. Most mornings I wanna be as far from them as possible. Sound like good terms to you? Not to me!

Let’s try the Teneo Tria. I have never felt any open hostility for any of them. That’s a good sign. And I can talk to them, which implies good terms. So maybe (by this definition at least) I have friends.
How ‘bout a closer look. Are we defining “good terms” as not wanting to punch someone in the face? Well that’s sad. By that definition I’m on “good terms” with Neylon too and we certainly aren’t friends!
“Good terms” should be just that: Open, friendly, flowing companionship with little to no issues or obstructions. So far I’ve listed issues with each member Jeremy, Sam and Marina. No friendship there.

4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.

Et cetera meaning club? Well by that definition I’m friends with all of Crew! Yay! *does a happy dance*
Wait a tick! Something’s off here. Same nation? So I’m friends with everyone in America? Well we know that’s certainly not true. I don’t even know everyone in America, how are we friends? So simply by ludicrous implications, this definition is proven wrong too.

5. Wait! There is no five. That’s it. That’s all. Hold on! No 5? That means I’ve proven the four definitions of friendship to not hold meaning with anyone I know. Well that’s not good! If I can’t find anyone to fit a definition of friendship, then I have no friends. And so we come to the real importance of all this sarcastic rambling. I have to friends. Now, I’m not saying I’m without fault in all this. I know I have fault in this. I’m not an easy person to get to know. I get along with most people just fine. But I don’t get to know people well. See the difference? I hope so. Being social with and being close to someone are very different concept.

Now this rambling to an extent makes me a hypocrite. (Please know I loathe hypocrites.) So how I have to prove I’m not one. I told Marina last night that things can’t be changed if you don’t talk to people. And I haven’t talked to anyone about this. Making me a hypocrite right? Not quite. What I said was (and Thank You Trillian for automatically saving all IM conversations) “all i can say is nothing will change if u dont talk to her,” and “just try talking to her. if u want change thats all u can do.” Short and simple version, if you want change then talk to people. Well I’m not ever sure I want change!

Do I really wanna try and get close to people that I don’t hate, but don’t see as having anything to offer me? Not really, what would be the point of that?

Do I really wanna try and find out how to utilize how others can help me when I know that they have others in their lives that they help more? Not really. I’m sick of being number two.

Do I really wanna try and find a way to become number one in a person’s life that already has a number one? Not really, how dare I try to oust someone.

So where’s that leave me?
I’ll tell you, very much alone. Alone with my pain. Alone with my misery.

I’m not quite sure why I wrote this. It kinda just came to be. I felt it necessary to try and find a bit of logic in the jumble of emotions and thoughts that is my brain. I had to know what a friend was and how it applied (or didn’t apply) to me. Also, I suppose this is a bit of an explanation to all those that actually read this/have noticed my anti-social-ness. You don’t have to be friends with people to see that they aren’t acting normally and want to know why. That’s simple human curiosity.

So there ya go, if something happens (not saying it will) then you know why I didn’t come to you. And I didn’t write any of this to offend anyone. I know you are all great people in your own right. But in my situation knowing and feeling are two things so different and far apart they might as well be the US and North Korea.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.
---Breaking Benjamin, Breath, Phobia

Thank You Amy!

2006-10-18T00:29:00.000-05:00

Amy Lee is amazing! Her lyrics lift me up and keep me from feeling so isolated. Seeing and hearing her live was amazing. The pain and dirt of moshing was beyond worth it. Thank you Amy. Thank you.

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes

"Thanks for coming out guys and thanks for knowing th lyrics to the new songs!"
---Amy Lee. Silly Amy! As if I would go without knowing the lyrics!

A Bit of Understanding

2006-10-16T19:23:00.000-05:00

Well today we switched out the old Klegal Brothers lamps with new, pretty, shiny, sleek, black lamps. It was fun. Anyway, I realized that I do still like my friends. Its just taht I only like them in a Tech setting. If I see them outside of Tech, they will most likely get on my nerves; at least at some point. But in Crew related things I love them to death. I suppose that in a Crew setting there's structure. Certain people are in charge and take care of certain things. No problem there. I know what to expect. Well, its not perfect that I cant for the most part stand my friends unless its during a Crew event, but at least I dont have to worry about absolutly hating the next show. Thank god!

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes

"You know you're a Techie when you know that light is really a lamp."
--- Me

Mental Health, What's That!?

2006-10-15T19:16:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I took another mental health day Friday. Thursday had been a good day. Then my mother got home. *shakes head* I was just so pissed. Everything she said was either rude, critical, repremanding, or mocking. EVERY DAMN WORD!!! (Kinda like today when I got home.) I had to run to my room to cry at least 5 times that night before bed. I even had to run to the bathroom to cry once. (With my parents in the living room thank you very much. And to all you who have been in my house you know how close that is.) That was after my mother made fun of Evanescence. I also punched her in the face for that. The one thing that keeps me from loosing my mind totally and she makes fun of it. Kinda like she shows no respect for anything I do. I work on a treaty and the entire time I'm negotiating, she makes fun of the treaty. God, sometimes I really wish she would just die. No, thats not true; I wish I would die. I even prayed that I wouldnt wake up the next day. Of course, that didnt happen. Thanks a lot God! (And no, I dont care how blasphamous that sounds.)

What makes this even worse is that my family didnt notice. You'd think they would notice my red, puffy, watery eyes. Guess not. Either that or I've gotten REALLY good at hiding my crying. Too good I guess. *sigh*

Do I really have to go to school tomorrow? I dont wanna. That means seeing my friends and we all know how I feel about that. You know, stupid hollow relationships that wont in any was shape or form help me in life. What's the point in being friends with them again? I mean, I avoid them at all times possible. How is that friendship? Oh God! The show will be wonderful. And by wonderful I mean hell of course.

*shakes head* I'm really tired of this folks. Its not fair that I'm so alone. I dont know what I did wrong but trust me I'M SORRY! Can this pain go away now? Can I have someone in my life now? Can I be happy now? Just tell me how to make up for this and i'll do it. Cause I'm tired of being so miserable. Its not fair at all. No one should have to live like this. Crying themselves to sleep most nights, learning how to hide evidence of tears, wanting to do things to themselves, wanting to run away, wanting to die. That's not normal folks. Then again you'd think I'd be used to that. The pain and misery I mean. *sigh*

Oh and I realized today when talking to MJ, *shudders,* that I dont have a crush on Matt anymore. Its beyond that folks. I'm 17 and I've fallen in love for the second time. And yet again for a guy that doesnt love me back. And that ladies and gentleman is my life.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

If I fall and all is lost
Its where I belong
---Evanescence, Cloud Nine, The Open Door

One Thing

2006-10-09T21:47:00.000-05:00

Can I just say one thing?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

So disconnected, going through the motions again
So disconnected
When will this cycle end
---Trapt, Disconnected, Someone In Control

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2006-10-06T22:54:00.000-05:00

So today was a half day. I was invited to Jins but didnt really wanna go. So I was just gonna hang out with Jeremy. Then he pressures me into going to Jin's. That went surprisingly well. So well infact, that I decide to ask Emily and Brittany to go to the mall with me. We get there and all seems well, I'm a bit weary of spending time with either of them outside of the group setting for more then just 10 minutes but I was willing to give it a try. MISTAKE! We happen to walk by Too Cool and I said I didnt wanna go by. Emily then proceeds to drag Brit in there. I simply walked away. I wasnt pissed more disappointed that they couldnt even have gone 20 mins without annoying me. They completely disregarded what I said. I walked around the mall by myself. Taking a lot of looping routes up stairs and down stairs to make sure I lost them. Ugh! They found me. So I end up spending more time with them. Except now I have to desire to be there and I'm pissed. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. How dare they disregard what I say? Thats bull shit! It was like a cherry on top of a shit cake of crap I dont like dealing with. So I end up leaving them. Telling them I wanna leave.

Now for the next bit you need some background info. I have made public annoucements to the Techies at least twice before not to visit me at subway.

So at work I get there and I'm still a little pissed and emo but its not too bad. I ask Sam if I could go get my DVD player and Ev CD because I knew that would make me feel a bit better. As I'm walking out, Dustin and Jeremy are pulling up. When I get back, Marina is there. Five minutes later, Brittany shows up. My only response to that was walking outside to the back of the store, then to the side of the dumpster and screaming. Not that that helped much. I was still pissed. I mean, how dear they completely ignore what I said? I told them not to, and they come by anyway. Is it simply not important what I say? Do they have no respect for me? Do they think I'm just one big joke? Cause really, if I hadnt gone outside to scream and then listened to Ev, I would have punched a hole in the sneeze guard. And I'm not joking.

And to top it all off, Brittany asked me if I was ok. ASKED IF I WAS OK!!!!!!!!!! We all know I hate that. I have never and probably will never answer that question correctly. Its so impersonal. If you really wanna know how I am, you'll ask a better question then that. You'll say "Is [fill in the blank] bothering you?" Then I'll answer yes or no. Simply as that. "Are you ok." Is just so generic and impersonal. Its bull shit. I hate it. If you knew me, you wouldnt ask that. In fact, if you knew me, youd know to leave me the fuck alone when I'm pissed and to not talk about it. Of course, Jeremy and Marina ask about it. *shakes head*

So I think I'm officially not good friends with any of them. That was just so wrong. I felt so disrespected. Like I had been slapped in the face, told that I and what I said didnt matter.

Thats really sad. I thought at least I had Jeremy and Marina left. *sigh*

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes

Should it hurt to love you
Should I feel like I do
Should I lock the last open door
My ghosts are gaining on me
---Evanescence, All That I'm Living For, The Open Door

Dorothy

2006-10-03T22:48:00.000-05:00

I swear it, I'm incapable of being happy. I feel so down right now. I cant focus, I wanna cry, I wanna leave, I wanna sleep, I wanna die, I wanna not exist. Maybe if I say it long enough it'll be true. It worked for Dorothy.

I dont exist.
I dont exist.
I dont exist.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

Feels like the weight of the world
Like all my screaming has gone unheard
And oh I know you don't believe in me
Safe in the dark
How can you see
---Evanescence, Weight of the World, The Open Door

So Few

2006-10-01T20:25:00.000-05:00

God, lately I'm so anti-social. Thats why I wasnt in school. I couldnt stand the thought of being in school. Its not school that I hate, its people. On an indivdual basis, most people are ok. Well kinda. Within the last few days, even more people have been added to my "Annoying As Hell" List. Its most of Tech Crew now.

It feels like there's a veil. Its thin, almost so thin, I cant see it sometimes. So I can be happy for moments. I can laugh and joke and almost mean it. I can be a teenager and almost forget hot old I truly feel.

But then the wind blows. And I feel the veil moving more and more, obscuring my view of the people around me. Making me feel isolated and confused. Suddenly everyones just a kid having fun, and I'm the one that no one sees. Well, they see me, see a body at least. They see a body going through the motions, waking each day, laughing at their jokes, writing each paper, taking each step, throwing each card.

They see Rhodes.

But does anyone see Jessica?

Does anyone see the lonely, confused little girl I really am? No. No one does. Sometimes I think that if wouldnt matter if I just left. People would notice that Rhodes was gone. But no one would miss me. They'd miss who they thought I was. That's all.

I'm just tired. Wearing a mask all the time is just so hard. I feel weighed down each moment of my life. Those three days allowed me to take my mask off. To just be me. The only other time I feel free like that is over the weekends when I work with Matt. (Yes folks, MD again.) With him I just feel so special. No, scratch that. I dont feel special at all. And thats that thing. I feel normal then. I dont feel like a fake, I dont feel like I have to pretend I'm happy. In those few hours with him, I actually feel happy. I feel like a normal 17 year old girl at work with her crush. That's all. Nothing else. I dont feel like that around any else. No one!

I think that's why I dont like so many people. They dont know me and I dont know them. And whenever I think I know them, they do some weird shit that makes me loose respect for them entirely. Its all just one big facade. Thats how I feel about the majority of my "friendships."

I kinda talked to Matt about it. We were talking and I mentioned how I ditched 3 days of school to avoid my friends. Told him about how I didnt really like most of my friends anymore. Told him there wre only like 3 I still liked. He guessed two right away. Sam and Marina. He didnt get Jeremy though. Though with recen information I got, my opinion of him dropped so I'll have to wait till I see him to know if hes still one of the three. *sigh*

Marina is prolly the most complex one of my friends. I feel like as I get closer to her, she gets farther from Sam. And perhaps is really egotistical of me to think it, but I cant help but feel like I'm partly responsible. Makes me wanna stop being close to Marina. Though I like our deep thought provking talks. It exercised my brain. Thats one thing I miss about Neylon. We had lots of talks that provoked my thoughts. Though I can get that with MD too. Hmm.... grrr...

I hate this. I feel so weighed down. Just by bull shit. I hate that I have to avoid most of my friends. I cant avoid them in the morning cause I give Emily a ride to school, and I dont have anyone else to hang out with in the morning. Then 1st hr I have Woods with Jeremy and Shaffer. After that I dont see anyone. Until lunch. I must admit I'm kinda addicted to Euchre at lunch. So I dont wanna give that up. Besides, where else would I sit? Then I have International Relations which is clear and amazing. It also stimulates my brain. ^_^ Then early dismissal, which I suppose I could actually start leaving for. Novel concept, I know.

I could talk to Emily and tell her to start getting a ride somewhere else. Then just veg in the morning in the library or something. And not tell anyone where I go. Then I just have to deal with people during 1st and lunch. Not too bad. Its the mornings I hate most cause I just feel out of place. I always have a hard time putting my mask on now days. So the mornings suck ass.

And then there's my weekends with Matt. Those keep me sane. Even though we yell at each other over stupid crap, I feel normal then. Its so *takes a deep breath* refreshing! I'd like to think our stupid arguments are a Rowlingesque way of us to release tension that would be there without it. That's prolly just wishful thinking though. *sigh* It just sucks that the one person I feel I can be myself around is a person I only see a day or two a week. Like today he called me Rhodes and I yelled at him for it. To him I'm Jessica. If I become Rhodes to him, I dont know what I'd do.

What I need most is my "special someone" so to speak. I know that if I werent so lonely, then my hallow relationships wouldnt bother me. They're normal. I'm just seeking companionship from anywhere so that anything that doesnt seem able to provide that annoys me. Is that wrong? I just want a person I can go to when I wanna cry. A person I can go to when I feel like crap and just want affection. Just a hug. I mean I get hugs all the time but they mean nothing. Theres no love behind them. Their just actions, no feeling. The last hug I had that I felt feeling in was the one from Matt during the "mutual excursion."

*sigh* I'm getting tired of this folks. I really am.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love.
Die for anyone
What have I become?
--- Breaking Benjamin, The Diary of Jane, Phobia

Thanks A Lot Mother

2006-09-25T20:45:00.000-05:00

I took their smiles and I made them mine
I sold my soul just to hide the light
And now I see what I really am
A thief, a whore, and a liar

I run to you (far away from this land)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away

I'm numb to you, numb and deaf and blind
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only air at night
Not you, not love, just nothing

I run to you (far away from this land)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away

Try to forget you
But without you I feel nothing
Don't leave me here, by myself
I can't breathe

I run to you (far away from this land)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away

Mummy

2006-09-10T14:41:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I pretty much hate my mother. Ok, hate may be strong, but I cant stand her!!! Every five seconds shes giving me another chore, yelling at me for something else, critisizing something, I just hate it. I cant even count the numbers of times I've cried in the last week thanks to my mother. I'm sorry mom. I'm not trying to be a burden. Would you like it better if I just left? Maybe moved in with Nana. Knox College is a good school. It has a good history program, and I know quite a few of the professors there already. Maybe I should just move there. I'd hate it, but I wouldnt have to worry about my mother hating me.

I just hate life. I feel so out of place all the time. LIke I just dont belong anywhere. Unless I'm acting like a freaking, I feel like I'm invisable or something. LIke no one knows me. And I wanna get to know people better, but everyone has something and I dont know where I fit. And I feel like the one person I was getting kinda close to, is realizing her mistake. Cause it was a mistake. Anyone who talks to me is making a mistake. God, why cant I just end this? What exatly am I doing for this world? Nothing. Not a damn thing. So why am I still here? Is it part of equivalent exchange? There have to be truly miserable people in the world, for there to be happy people? I just hate not having anywhere to go. When I'm at home, I wanna leave, when I'm with friends, I wanna leave. I just dont belong. I'm.... different. Defective somehow. Like my piece of this puzzle called life, is ripped and doesnt fit anywhere. I hate it. I hate life. I hate myself.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

I dream in darkness
I sleep to die
erase the silence
erase my life
our burning ashes
blacken the day
a world of nothingness
blow me away
---Evanescence, Sweet Sacrifice, The Open Door

Zen

2006-09-07T22:36:00.000-05:00

Yeah, nothings really any better. I'm still lonely, annoyed, and miserable.

My mother pissed me off again. I was so upset at her yelling at me for no reason that while cleaning out her closet, (thats what she was yelling at me for) I just broke down in tears. She was in the next room, and didnt even notice. Further proof that my mother doesnt pay attention to me or care about my well being. I almost left. Like I had my wallet (with almost a full pay check), keys and phone (in case of emergencies) in my pockets, ready to leave at any moment. I didnt though.

And last night I avoided going home. I "went to the library." Well I actually did go for a bit, and I read up on depression. I'm pretty convienced I have a form of depression. I cant remember which form though. I got to emotional and left. I then went and bought Noodles to go and went to Barns and Noble to buy a book on depression. Its called The Zen Path Thorugh Depression. Seems good so far. I wanna try some of the medatations tonight.

I've also been thinking of dropping crew. Though that's prolly only the depression talking. I just dont seem to have the same joy for it like I used to. (Classic sign of depression.) I feel like its all fake. Like I have all these people there with me, but none of them are there with me. Make sense? Actually I've been feeling that way around everyone. From Jeremy to Marina. I just dont feel like any of it is worth while. I still feel alone no matter what. So why try. Especially with college coming up. Everyone's just gonna get split up anyway. *sigh* Though If I left Crew I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd have to be at home then. With my mother. And then I'd either kill her or myself. I already feel that way spending just 1-2 hours with her a day. And I dont wanna work everyday. Then I'd get sick of that. I just dont know what to do. Hopefully the book will help. I almost copied part of one of the books at read at Nichles and gave it to my mother. Almost.

Seems like now days the only person I can talk to and not feel too awkward with is MD. Though I havent talked to him much lately so I guess I'll see Saturday if thats still true. I hope so, cause I care about him a lot. *sigh* I cant stand not seeing him. Like I wanna go by Subway everyday hes working, just to see him, if only for a second. I'm so obsessed and I dont have a shot. Its that just my life?

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
--- Linking Park, Figure .09, Meteora

What I Dont Know

2006-09-04T00:16:00.000-05:00

*sigh* I'm starting to think I dont know how to be happy. All the things that should make me happy, tend to somehow depress me. Thats just not normal.

I'm also starting to think I dont know how to control my emotions. Last night shouldnt have bugged me so much. I shouldnt have felt so alone while surrounded by people. And I shouldnt have come home and ended up crying for half and hour. I shouldnt have thought about how much I really just wanted to sit alone in Subway and talk to Matt.

Just Matt.

In fact, I shouldnt have thought of him at all. We're just friends. And anyting else is just my imagination.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything
--- Avril Lavigne, Fall To Pieces, Under My Skin

I Just Dont Get Me

2006-09-02T00:16:00.000-05:00

I dont get myself sometimes. *shakes head* I just dont get me!!!!!!!!!!! What is this feeling? Disappointment? Hoping I might be special to someone? Wishful thinking? Desperation?

---Rhodes

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
handfull of anger, held in my chest
--- Linkin Park, Nobody's Listening, Meteora

Bloody Insane

2006-08-31T23:45:00.000-05:00

I'm so crazy. I'm happy, yet sad. Surrounded by my friends, yet miserable alone. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont make any sense.

Why cant I just be happy?
Why cant I just be normal?
Why cant I have my someone?
Why is it always me?

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
---Linkin Park, Easier to Run, Meteora

EA and (of course) MD

2006-08-13T18:03:00.000-05:00

EA, the slang Marina has said to me online before meaning "easily amused." Lets try my definition of EA. Easily Annoyed!!

Latley thats been me. At any given second, you can do or say something to me and I'll find it to be the most annoying fucking thing in the world. Then *bam* instant bad mood for Rhodes. I know people have noticed it, mostly the people I get annoyed with.

Not that I tell them that I'm annoyed with them. I've become very non-confrontational. After junior year I dont wanna say anything that can set off a fight. And yes, I know that by not saying anything I can also start drama but whoever said I made sense? Its a double edged sword. Really it is.

Like Friday night.Brit called to see if I could pick her up from Central before going to the movies. I got annoyed. Why me? Why the fuck was she going to Central if she didnt have a car? Shouldnt she have been more responsible? Or perhaps have even called me earlier? Should she have given me warning so that I would have planned my time differently so that we wouldnt have been almost late? It just pissed me off! I felt like I was being used. Like "oh Rhodes wont mind, she never does." Well guess what? She does!!! Rhodes is not a fucking livery driver like her Nazi ex-step-dad used to be ok? She is not willing to drive you every-the-fuck-where!

Granted, that stemmed from Emily using me like a free ride all the damn time. Even when my car was jacked up, she expected me to give her a ride. Well Emily, maybe you shouldnt have gotten a job it you couldnt get there. Or is that too logical? And then, to add insult to injury, when she gets to the job, she slacks off and takes her sweet time to do shit. Then complains about how late it is! Guess what? If you didnt sit on your ass, or take forever and a damn day, we'd get out earlier. She takes advantage of the fact that were friends and that I'll back her up at work. And I have, many times. I cant count on one hand the number of times that I've covered for her at work with MJ. I could have had her fired her 1st week and just about any time after that. I could get her fired now if I wanted. Or at least in enough trouble that she'd be close to fired. But no, I try to be a good friend and help her keep her job. And what do I get out of it? Oh! Half of her work and a fucking migraine. I hold her job in my hands and she doesnt seem to care.

And the cherry on this mothing fucking wonderful cake? I havent told either of them these things. The whole newly non-confrontational thing. Damn that! It also got to with the fact that anyone that I dont feel as if I shared a mental and emotional connection to, I get easily annoyed with. At least thats how it is as of late.

I dont get annoyed with Marina or Sam even though I spend large amounts of time with them, but sometimes all I have to do is see Emily's screenname and I'm annoyed. Emily and I arent very good friends. I couldnt just sit and talk to Emily. All we'd talk about is anime and that gets old after a while. I like to be able to talk about anything and everything. Not be confined to one general topic of discussion. With Emily and recently Brittany, I feel as if there's only one or two things to talk about. And thus, I get further annoyed. I cant consider you a true friend if I dont feel as if I can talk to you, and thuse I get annoyed that I'm doing all this shit for a person that I'm not close to.

Make sense? I hope so. It prolly doesnt though.

And of course theres the MD problem. As always. I still dont know about that boy. I havent seen him in ages, and I'm not completely nuts, but I do miss him. I havent talked to him in so long!! I truly miss our hour long conversations with a wide range of topics flowing gently and smoothly between items of interest. I love them! I live for them! And I havent had one in God knows how long.

I'm thinking of asking him out again when he comes back. He doesnt have as much "going on right now" so maybe I'll get a straight answer. I really wanna know how he feels. I hate not having answers and its killing me slowly. And we get along so well, theres a good chance that me asking him that wont make him stop talking to me. Its never been very awkward before so why now?

So maybe I have hope. Maybe. Though I dont wanna get my hopes us too high.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

I recognize the way you make me feel
It's hard to think that
You might not be real
I sense it now, the water's getting deep
I try to wash the pain away from me
Away from me

'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe I'm not alone
I'm not alone
---Michelle Branch, Everywhere, The Spirit Room

The Open Door

2006-08-04T14:31:00.000-05:00

This is so insane. I'm so fucking nuts. I swear it! I really need to go get some help or something. Is it bad that I'm insanly jealous of two of my most close friends right now? Gar!!!! Its insane.

Apparently they got into a fight last night. But now their fine. My brain cant understand that concept. Its like "wait, fight means you arent talking and shit, not that you just tell each other whats annoying you and then are all batter. What the fuck?" Yeah thats what my mind is saying right now. I just dont get it. Cant get it. Gar!!!!!!!!!!!!

*punches wall* Ok, not really, but I wish I could. Cause this feeling of jealousy around then is getting on my nerves! Its like whenever I see them together I'm reminded of the great friendship they have. The kind I've never had, the kind I should have had with Neylon but was cheated out of. Its so frustrating! I cant stand being jealous of these two, but I cant help it!!!!!

Damn it all. This isnt fair. I feel so alone at times. Its just not right. Not logical. But I cant help it. Is it so wrong that I want to have someone I can go to when I'm sad? Someone I can tell anything to? Someone I know will help me when I'm down? Someone I could have gone to when my grandfather died instead of just keeping it all to myself? Is that really so wrong? So selfish? So why cant I have that? This is so.....

FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!

And definatly not fair at all. *sigh* None of this makes sense. I mean, I'm surrounded by people half the time, yet still miserable. Why cant I just be normal!!!!!!!!!!??????? I hate myself sometimes. I really do. There are only two people in my life that I can see myself being able to get that close to, but I cant get that close to either of them.

Person one is one of the previously mentioned two. And if I tried to get too close to her I'd feel like I was coming in the middle of her and her best friend and then I'd feel like a bitch. I consider what they have almost sacred. Do I look like I wanna get in the middle of that and create more drama?

Person two is the guy I like. I can talk to him freely about anything and I have told him some things before. But how odd would it be for me to try and get close to him? I mean, to him I'm prolly just that high school, wanna be asian girl he works with at Subway. I cant expect him to suddenly be there for me considering all feelings between us are onesided. On my side.

I hate this, I really do.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

If you loved me
You would be here with me
---Evanescence, Call Me When You're Sober, The Open Door

That's Nice...

2006-08-02T04:18:00.000-05:00

I had a bit of a breakdown again today. Nothing new. Just the usual crying alone is my room thing. And while I was doing that I realized something. I've managed to perfectly fuck myself over for life. Yup! ^_^ I've made it so I'm incapable of truely getting close to anyone and getting and real help. Which means that one day I'll just snap and do something drastic because of all the pressure I put on myself. I mean, its a lot to handle, my fucked up mental state is. I think that longest I'll last is mid-twenties. About 25 or 26. 30 with divine intervention. Past 30 would be demonic intervention cause teh devil wants to see me suffer. I think the earliest I'd off myself (nice way of putting it right?) is college. Like my junior or senior year. So I say that between the ages of 20-26 I'll commit suicide. Nice thought right? And now your left to wonder just how serious I am.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
---Evanescence, Understanding, Origin

STOP

2006-07-17T15:06:00.000-05:00

I just wish ppl would stop asking me how I am, and saying about how sad they are that my grandfather died. I know you guys are trying to me nice, but dont. I'm fine, and even if I'm not I will instictivly tell you I am, and you didnt know him so you cant be that sad. Thats my take on deaths. Maybe that makes me a bitch, but oh well. I think thats why Neylon got so pissed at me when Kathryn (sp? There are so many ways) died b/c I wasnt all emo over it. I barely knew her. Wow, I'm a bitch. But hey, the ppl most close to me didnt even tell me they were sry to hear about my grandfather, example Marina and Matt. And I'm fine with that. Actually, I prefer that. So in other words, STOP ASKING HOW I AM AND TELLING ME YOURE SORRY. Cause if someone in your family dies, I prolly wont say it to you. Cause gettting told/asked the same thing over and over is REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.

Alright, sorry about the bitch rant but oh well. As I've learned that past few days, I handle my grief through anger. (Big suprise right.) So if someone says something like that, I'm liable to snap, and this way at least you had warning.

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes

"I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather."
--- Way Too Many Damn People

The Years Are Just Rushing By

2006-06-08T22:50:00.000-05:00

Today was my last day of school. My last day of being a Junior. And being my usual, history oriented self, I started reflecting on this year. And I think it goes without saying (though I'm going to anyway) that this year was interesting. Ok, I'll be honest. It was hell! Pure and simple, it was emotional, physical, mental and spiritual hell. And I'm mother fucking glad that its over! In an ideal world I could pretend it never happened and just be happy. But as a historyographer (writer of history) I feel it necessary to not only remember it, but to analyze it and learn from it. Cause if I dont I'll just do what I've done for the majority of my life: Hide everything inside and never get any better while my issues create bigger and bigger problems for me. Never again folks, never again! So heres a breakdown of the year. (To save time, and well because I'm lazy its going to just be a compare and contrast of a few major points.)

Love:
Start- Helplessly in love with my (then) "best friend" Matt Neylon. Couldnt get over him, couldnt get him out of my mind.
End- Totally smitten by fellow Subsuck employee Matt Dang. And while the names are similar, thats about the extent of their similarities. Completely over Neylon!

Work:
Start- Working crazy, insane hours and never telling my manager, MJ, no.
End- Working semi-insane hours but hate MJ and couldnt give less of a crap what she says.

School:
Start- Swamped with classes. Barley sleeping, teachers worried about me too the point that I was sent to talk to my guidance counselor.
End- Sent to see school shrink but for different reason and started to make more time to homework and sleep at the same time.

Home:
Start- Still hating the Nazi, miserable. Constant bickering, never home.
End- Still never home, but not miserable. Less bickering, and I couldnt give two shits about the Nazi anymore, etiher hate or love.

Friends:
Start- Constant fighting! Miserable. Group: Tracy, Neylon, Shaffer, Sam and kinda Marina and Emily.
End- No more fighting and dare I say happy? Group: Shaffer, Sam, Marina, Emily, Natalie. Outer group: Tracy and most if not all of Tech Crew!

Mental:
Start- Depressed. Suicidal. Hated life, hated breathing, hated existing. Low self-esteem. Introverted. Never opened up.
End- Happy. Enjoy life. Glad to be alive. (For the most part.) Opening up to people more. Letting people into my heart. Slightly more *shudder* girlie.

See? And thats just the brief version of key points. Wow! Whats summer gonna bring? What's Senior year gonna bring? How else will we change? No other way of knowing then just living. So.... Hello summer!

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes

Times they are a-changin'
---Bob Dylan, The Times They Are A-Changin', The Times They Are A-Changin'

Educational Hour

2006-06-02T21:22:00.001-05:00

What are the signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder?

Signs and symptoms of the manic phase (Bipolar I):

euphoria, feeling "high"
agitation, edginess, irritability, restlessness
racing thoughts, talkativeness
increased energy, sleeplessness
inflated self-esteem; grandiosity; poor judgment
reckless spending sprees or other activities with high potential for painful consequences
delusions or hallucinations
drug or alcohol use
increased sexual drive
aggressive behavior
inability to concentrate well

Signs and symptoms of the depressive state:

abnormally low mood
sadness and hopelessness
excessive feelings of guilt and worthlessness
difficulty concentrating or making decisions
changes in appetite or weight (increase or decrease)
fatigue; changes in sleep patterns (increase or decrease)
loss of self-esteem
diminished interest in daily activities
withdrawal from others
drug or alcohol use
suicidal thoughts, plans or attempts.
http://helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

Wanna know how many of those symptoms I posses?

ALL OF THEM!!!! The last month, were I've been so happy has been almost all the signs of the manic stage. And before that was the depression stage. I live almost all those signs.

Fuck.

Enigma

2006-05-30T20:29:00.000-05:00

I hate men. They suck and they confuse me. Especially 19 year old, Vietnamese, Tennis players/coaches that work at Subway. Yeah, The (in)famous Matt Dang, Subway Matt, Asian Matt, MD, however you know him, that's who I'm talking about. Here's an update on that.

Well, we had our mutual excursion. Not a date, but he paid and all and he knew I wanted more then friends, so its was more then just hanging out. Nothing really happened. He walked me to my door and gave me a hug. ^_^

Well after that has just been flirting. Lots of raging hormones (for me at least), flirting, and talking. Lots of talking! Even telling him things that most of my friends don't know. (Sorry guys!) Its the most traumatic event of my life, the root of all my issues, a thing that until a couple of months ago, I never even acknowleged happened, not even to myself. Yet I told him. It came up in convo and he guessed, and I told him he was right. So he knows something that my parents don't even know about me. And now I'm full of questions. Questions, questions, questions.

What does he think?
Does he see me differently?
Does it turn him off?
Does he see me how I've always seen myself because of it?
Does he see me as dirty, tainted and worthless as I've always felt?
Does he see the pain of my childhood seeping into my life now?
Is this gonna make all this harder?
Will he not want to get involved with me now because I have baggage?
Will this turn off all guys I like?
Will I be destined to be alone because of this?
Does any guy deserve to be dragged down by my baggage?
Can I do that to him or anyone?
Is it fair?
Am I worth all that?

And that's not all, he was so sweet about it. He even tried to help me. He said that things like my personal space issues make sense now. And he was so sweet and optimistic. He said that I've already made progress with now hugging my friends and that he's sure that I would get over my issues if I found someone. Like had a boyfriend, fell in love, and found someone I could trust. And when I didnt immediately agree and just told him he was an optimist, he kept asking and insisting that if I had someone I could get over my issues. Of course, that brings more questions.

Is he offering?
Does he really mean that?
Why does he care so much?
Would it be right to take him up on the offer it it was one?
Why did he say that?
Was he trying to tell me that he isn't the one to help me?
Or that he is the one to help?

I just don't know! *sigh* It might have been easier if he weren't so nice. He seems to genuinely care about me. He encourages me to live healthier and listens to me. Grr... I just don't get him!

Why?
Is he interested or not?
Does he even know?
Will be be willing to try something?
Why am I so willing to put my heart on the line for him?
What is it about him that I find to endearing?
Why him?
Why now?
Why not?

I wish I knew the answers. I mean, I love working with him. I love talking to him. I love watching him. I love listening to him. I love sitting in silence with him.

Do I love him?
Is that possible yet?
Am I just obsessed?
Is it just like?
What is it?
Should I even try to define it?

This whole thing is an enigma. He's an enigma. My wonderful, hot, sweet, kinda, torturus little enigma. I hate my enigma. I love my enigma. *sigh* Matt, my enigma. What am I gonna do with you? What am I gonna do with you?

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes

What are you thinking?
Its so misleading.
Is it not for me to know?
I think its just hard for you to show.
---Trapt, Enigma, Trapt

ACT

2006-05-23T18:24:00.000-05:00

I got my ACT score back and I got a...... 27!!!

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes

"The moment you walked through the door, I knew this love is forever more."
---Cascada, A Piece of Heaven

Conformation and Loving Life

2006-05-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, so heres the story:

I was at work today, and around noon I had to write the date on some prep that I was doing. I wrote the "5" and the "/" but I couldnt remember the date. So I look at the schedule to see the day and it says "20th." Here is when I pause, look up and begin to think.

I felt like I had missed something. Like something had gone past without my knowledge. And I stood there a second thinking, when suddenly my face broke out in a grin and my chibi danced around the store. The 18th. I had missed the 18th. It passed and I didnt even recognize it happening.

So why is that important? Well May 18, 2004, is the day that Neylon broke up with me. Last year on that day, I cried my eyes out. This year on the otherhand, I didnt even know that it was passing!!!! In other words, its final conformation that I've moved on and that Neylon is no longer a factor in my life, mind or heart. ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

Also, besides one day (Wednesday) that started out horribly, but ended well, I've had nothing but good things happening in my life. Life is going my way for once! I'm actually, dare I say it, happy! I actually forgot what it was like to be able to wake up and not be thinking, "Oh God, not again." or "Oh no, whats gonna go wrong today." Its amazing really. How happy and carefree I can be when I'm not worried about everything falling apart. People have even commented on how at times, I'm just really happy, or hyper. I actually enjoy life right now. Its..... amazing.

On the Matt front, nothing is really happening. But I still enjoy working with him and talking to him. I think its more important that we remain friends. I mean, I'd like more, but I dont wanna push anything, and I'm satisfied with how things are. I have a ton of fun fake fighting with him and arguing ove petty things. Maybe in the future, I'll try for more, but for now, I'll sufice with the talks we have, and thoughts in my head.

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes

At least out loud, I wont say I'm in .... Love.
---Meg, I Wont Say I'm In Love, Hercules Soundtrack

Life Anew

2006-05-08T14:38:00.000-05:00

New song, new layout, new hope. Thats right folks, things have actually been... good lately! *gasp*

School: Junior year is winding down, and thus my stresses are lessening. ACTs and PSAEs are over and as far as I know, they went well.

Home: Things are cool here. My old dog Blue is back, though we dont know for how long.

Work: Slightly less stressful and less time consuming. Everyone there is great. Except MJ and Tim of course, but they dont count as part of "everyone." lol

Friends: I'm getting along great with everyone. Little to no stress adn drama. Tracy is doing better too and thought were not one big happy group with her again, at least things are stable. And after the beginning of our Junior year, what more can we ask for?

Love: I did it folks! I asked Matt out! But he defined it as just "friends," cause he "has a lot of stuff going on right now." Anyway, we had our "mutual excursion" (thank you Kelly and Alex, for the phrase) on Friday night. We went to see An American Haunting and then went to Chinatown. Push was there for the Chinatown part. Matt ended up paying for everything. Though I didn't make him. All in all it was a good night. Especially the hug Matt gave me at my door. ^_^ *grin* (For more detail on this, see my Xanga.) There wasnt mention of a second excursion, but we'll see how things go. Gotta take it one day at a time. If its, meant to be, then it'll be. I'm proud of myself for not being a Chicken Shit anymore. Now I'll just wait and see how he reacts, then decide on my next move. I'm actually optimistic for once. I really think that things might go my way!

ttyl and kinky sex dreams,
---Rhodes

A neverending dream a dream of you
I believe I received a sign of you
Tonight I want to hide my feelings too
As you do and I want to be with you
---Cascada, A Neverending Dream, Everytime We Touch

Voices of My Past

2006-04-06T00:13:00.000-05:00

Just a poem about the voices of my past.

Voices of My Past

Hello little cousin.
How are you?
Come here, I wanna show you something.
See them? They're grown ups.
And they're doing grown up things.
Wanna be a grown up?
Let's try, put you hand here.
No, don't worry, it's ok.
But its our little secret.
Grown ups keep secrets.
Private areas? No, no, it's alright.
We're just being grown ups.
What we're doing isn't wrong.
Just don't tell anyone.

Hello my granddaughter.
How are you?
Come here, I wanna tell you something.
See him? You can't like him.
He's bad, he's foreign.
Why cant you like him?
He's jus going to leave your mother.
Excuse me? You told your mother?
You shouldn't have.
Said what? Leave?
I never said that.
Well I didn't mean to.
It wasn't me, it was the medicine.
Its ok, you can like him now.

Hello my daughter.
How are you?
Come here, I wanna show you something.
Its a game, we can play.
But just for a few hours.
Step Mother Judy?
She's at work, wont be home for a while.
When will you meet her?
Well I know your eight, but its just haven't happened.
don't worry, I love you.
Love who? You?
No, your not my daughter.
My wife doesn't even know about you.
How could you be my daughter?

Hello our friend.
How are you?
Come here, we wanna tell you something.
We cant be your friend anymore.
We never really liked you.
You were just the new girl.
We felt sorry for you.
But now there's a new, new kid.
So we can't be your friend anymore.
don't worry, I'm still your friend.
Well, maybe not.
Everyone else did leave....
Yes, I agree with them. I'm not your friend.
Goodbye. See ya 'round.

Hello my daughter.
How are you?
Come here, I wanna show you something.
Here's how you wash dishes.
And sweep floors, and wash clothes.
Lets not forget cook, and vacuum.
Can you do this for me? Everyday.
I know you wanna play.
But I need you to do this.
And babysit your brother and sister too please.
Dont forget their diapers.
You didn't really wanna go outside did you?
I thought you didnt like people?
Come here, I need your help with this too.

Hello best friend.
How are you?
Come here, I wanna show you something.
Its how to have fun. And love.
You can talk to me.
I care about you, I love you.
Will you go out with me?
Good, because I care about you.
On second, thought maybe not.
We should just be friends.
How do I feel about you? I'm not sure.
I know its been over a year, but I just don't know.
I love you, well I did.
Perhaps its better if we weren't friends at all.

Sexual abuse.
Brainwashing.
Abandonment.
loneliness.
Pressure.
Emotional games.
Depression.
Suicide.
Tears.
Denial.
suppression.
Confusion.
My life.
The Voices of My Past still haunt me.

To Going Against The Grain

2006-03-27T11:20:00.000-06:00

I'm going insane. No question. No doubt. I'm loosing what little of my mind I had left. Yay for insanity.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become
---Evanecsence, Away From Me, Origin

My Measurement

2006-03-22T12:58:00.000-06:00

Five years of friendship, one month of dating, two years of heart ache and trying. The first day's a nod, the second is pure silence. Instead of cups of coffee, or inches, or laughter, my five years amount to silence. Glad to know I spent my time wisely.

Why Do I Try?

2006-03-17T06:24:00.000-06:00

Alright, so Matt calls me and I'm trying to talk to him. Trying to be a freind to him, tell him whats happening in my life and.... it was useless. Most of the time I felt like he either didnt give a crap or wasnt listening. I mean I try to tell him about the essay I'm writing based off the book Half and Half that I read. He pretty much didn't care. After that I pretty much closed up and therewas basicly just awkward silence punctured by occasional comments. I mean, I'm trying. Really I am. But ugh. I just doesn't feel like he's open to anything I say. Maybe I'm being emo, maybe I'm over reacting. But really, could he at least act like he cared about what I said? That'd be nice. In my opinion either start acting like you care, or just give up. It seems like everytime I try to bridge the gap, it gets larger. And while I'm a very loud person, I'm getting tired of yelling across the canyon.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

You never saw how much the crack had opened.
You never knew I had run out of rope.
---Jamie, Goodbye Until Tomorrow/I Could Never Rescue You, The Last Five Years

Some Things Will Always Be The Same

2006-03-05T01:49:00.000-06:00

Well its a comfort to know that one thing in my life will always be the same.

No matter whats happening in my life, how hard I'm trying, or how much I dont want to, I always end up sitting on the floor of my room, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out. Alone.

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

I lay dying
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
---Evanescence, Tourniquet, Fallen

What Is This Feeling?

2006-02-28T00:27:00.000-06:00

So I've been having an odd feeling lately. Its a feeling I hate, a feeling of hopelessness. I can feel that things are about to snap in the delicate balance that I have them in. I can sense that coming and I dont know what to do to prevent that from happening. I've also been having an intense feeling of lonliness and nost belonging. Even in a group situation, I dont feel like I belong. I feel like I'm slipping away from them somehow. And its not like I've had this feeling once and I'm over reacting to it. Its a feeling I have everytime I'm with my friends. I just dont feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like I'm in some kind of in between, a pergatory of friends. Ugh! I just dont know how to describe it. I'm just intensly lonely. And because of this feeling, everything else seems bland. Fics aren't as good, games aren't as fun, jokes not as funny. *sigh* I just dont know what I'm going to do. I can't stand feeling this way, its horrible. Especially because I know that I'm being stupid. I just can't explain why I feel this way, but I do. I hate it so much, I've been crying myself to sleep that past few nights, I'm really surprised that I didn't while I was at Emily's. Thank God for self-control. *sigh* I just want this to stop. I just want to be able to be happy for once. Long term happy. Is that so much to ask?

ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes

I've been looking in the mirror for so long
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side
All the little pieces falling - shatter
Shards of me to sharp to put back together
Too small to matter
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces
If I try to touch her
---Evanescence, Breathe No More, Origin

Everything And Nothing

2006-02-22T15:21:00.000-06:00

Well I realized that I haven't updated this in a while and I thought I'd update not just on the MD topic, but on all topics touched on in this Blog. *stretches* This could take a while.

Disclaimer: Due to my sarcastic and rude nature I'll probably take some cheap shots in this. But please don’t take offense to them. The fact that I'm joking about them means that I've put it behind me and all's forgiven if not forgotten.

1. Not so depressed. I suppose you could say I "have my moments" but I'm certainly not as miserable as I was at the start of this Blog. I'm actually happy to be alive now and I dont sit around wishing for death or thinking about running away. Its great to be able to enjoy life again. I mean, things aren't perfect, but they are a shit load better and much more managable.

2. Matt. It's funny almost. I started this thing hopelessly in love and thinking that I'd loose him as a friend forever because of it. Now I'm over him once and for all! And though we may not be as good of friends as we used to be, we're getting along great. I see him a lot more now (not saying much seeing as how before I never saw him. Sorry cheap shot!) And we talk pretty well now. I think that we have a chance of becoming good friends again.

3. My family is fine. The Nazi is still just that, a Nazi but oh well. That’s not bothering me as much anymore. Troy is great! Hess in Cali for a while for work, but he'll be back for a few days either this weekend of the next. Troy helped me move on from Matt and has so much more likeable then the Nazi. My mom still gets on my nerves from time to time, but she hasn’t been as bad lately. Or maybe I'm less emo and I don’t take what she says as badly. Whatever. My bro and sis are fine. I don’t see them much which is fine because it allows less chance for them to piss me off and thus have us fight. As for more extended family the only thing of note is my grandfather. Hess doing ok and so far his doctors say that he should be receptive to surgery. Now to convince him to actually have the surgery. *shakes head* He’s a stubborn person; I think it runs in our family.

4. Friends wise things are better. I'm on good terms with everyone. Tracy is still estranged from the group. I won’t lie and say things are better, but they aren't as bad as they could be. Yes, that’s a good way to put it. Everyone is facing the problem and trying to figure out what they think about the subject. That's defiantly a step in the right direction. As for my "between best friends" thing. I'd have to say that’s still true. But it's not as bad or lonely as before. I guess I’ve come to terms with that. I've come accept that I'm not particularly close to one person, but I do have more then one person I can lean on. Its better then nothing.

5. As for work, well thats going better. With so many people working night shift now (thanks to Tom switching from days to nights) I dont have as much pressure to work that many hours. Plus I make more money now so I dont notice the change in hours very much. Everyone at work is cool, at both stores actually. MJ is still annoying and Fatass still frieghtens me, but I'll live.

6. I've been getting more sleep lately and just generally taking better care of myself. I'm taking more time to rest and not get as stressed out. I have way less black outs and I just generally feel a whole lot better physicaly.

7. School is ok. My grades are good so far this semester and with no more Nazi speak and a new Study Hall I have a lot more time to do homework. My teachers are cool this semester (for the most part) and none of them give me too hard a time. APUSH is less stressful and I'm enjoying the class as always. I'm rocking our tests so far and my essays have improved a lot.

8. Love life. Well its back. And this time instead of just horrible unrequited love, its the posibility of a new relationship. After I talk to Indre I'll decide 100% whether or not I ask Matt to Spring. So unless Indre says that MD is no longer interested or something, I'll ask him on Sunday. Wish me luck! Its so great to have a crush on someone and not have the feeling of being heartbroken. Its truly uplifting. Though I do want things to work out between MD and I.

I think thats all. Its not nearly as long as I thought it would be. But I felt that many issues were opened up in this Blog but never resolved. And I felt I needed to bring some closure to those issues.

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes

The Heart May Freeze
Or It Can Burn
The Pain Will Ease
---Mimi, Another Day, Rent

Logical MD Pt. II

2006-02-14T17:05:00.000-06:00

All right, well I’m sure that you all either read or heard about this already. But this is a less excited, hyper and more logical approach to the Matt situation. (Note: Again, in this entry, “Matt” refers to Subway Matt.)

You all already know that Jazel spilled the beans to Matt about me liking him. And I may or may not have told you the according to Indre he already suspected that it was him. His reason was a) When he thought for a brief while I like Bryan, I shot that down; b) when Indre and Tom (for some ungodly reason) thought I liked Brad, I shot that down with venom; and c) I wouldn’t tell him. I tell him just about anything he asks, and some things he doesn’t ask. And since I told Indre but not him, he figured that it was him. He’s one smart Asian. lol

Anyway, so Jazel flat out told him on Thursday that I like him. Bitch. (Trust me I had words with her and I’m still a bit mad at her but whatever. No use crying over spilled potion.) I knew that Matt had talked to Indre about it, and I really wanted to know what he said. I didn’t think it could have been too bad because I had seen him a few times since then and he even stayed an extra like 20 minutes at work to talk to me when his major philosophy about work is to “minimize time.” Well, as but as I wanted to ask, was going to not do something, stupid cliché and girly by asking her for gossip on him.

Well... yesterday Indre was writing a Valentine’s (S.A.D for the rest of us) note to her boyfriend, and asking me for advice. I helper he best I could (seeing as how love notes aren’t my thing) but I was getting kinda down listening to her. At one point my comment to her after a question was something like, "You do know that you’re making me depressed right?" She replied something like “Oh! I’m sorry.” And then she suggested that I write a note to Matt. I laughed. Loudly. And for a long time. I explained to her that I couldn't do that because a) it was too stereotypical and I live to defy stereotypes and b) I wasn't even sure how he was taking the whole I like him and I didn’t wanna make it worse. So she tells me that I don’t have to worry and then says something like “Want me to tell you what he said?” And then she did. ^_^

So here’s what he said: Matt apparently puts girls that he knows (especially ones he works with) in the "Friend" Category. [insert cringe here] But! He is apparently willing to “give it a try.” Just not now. He wants to see how things play out first, find out more about me, what we have in common, and what not before anything else. He’s worried that something may not work, or even way down the line we'll break up and since neither of us plan to quit soon, he doesn’t want to make work awkward.

That’s great news because it means that he’s honestly thinking about it. Also I have a chance. And most importantly that he’s at least serious to some degree because he's thinking about the future. Wow, a guy that thinks about things logically. What a change! (Sorry cheep but easy shot. j/k)

Back on topic though. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. It’s perfectly possible that with the way things play out, nothing will happen. But it’s nice to know I have hope and it’s nice to know that the thought wasn't revolting to him or anything. I’m going to try and stay calm though. Ball’s in his court. So I’m stuck where I was almost two years ago; waiting on Matt Time. It’s a different Matt but I still hate Matt time. It’s slow! Oh well, I'll get over it and hopefully Dang time is faster then Neylon time. Plus, if my previous experience has taught me anything it’s to not push anything and just let thing happen naturally. Patience is a virtue.

But seeing as how I’m an impatient person, I want to do something. I was thinking of asking him to the Spring Dance. (Seeing as how I quiet Y & G and I can go now.) I’m not gonna ask him now or anything. I’ll wait and give him time to, I guess, get a feel for the situation. If I ask, it’ll be the end of the month, or the beginning of March. That should be enough time seeing as how the dance is on the 18th. But for now, I’m not sure if I’m going to ask, I’ll just have to let him do what he deems right and see how things play out.

ttyl and (very) kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes

You, breaking the circle
You, taking the light
You, you are the storyI should write
I have to write!
---Jamie, Shiksa Goddess, The Last Five Years

Logical MD

2006-02-08T01:10:00.000-06:00

Ok. This post is a result of my recent uncertainty over a certain boy named Matt. And no, I don’t mean the tall, skinny, white one. This will be logical look at my thoughts, my feelings, his possible thoughts/feelings, and my options. Alright folks, here goes. (Note: when saying "Matt" in this blog, I mean Subway Matt. When I mean Matt Neylon, I'll say Neylon. Just to make that less confusing.)

Well let’s start with the obvious. I like him. Well now that that is out of the way, now to try and figure out why. For starters, he’s not really my type. Physically at least. I usually go for the aryan. What can I say? Blue eyes are hot and Nazis are haunting me. lol. Anyway. Back on topic. Physically, he’s not what I'm usually attracted to. And based on looks alone, I wouldn't date him. Good thing though, because there are more important things then looks, such as personality. He’s got a great personality. He’s an ass. A major ass! But he’s also a really nice guy. Like, you know that even if he’s being kinda mean, and messing with you, he’s still a good guy under it all. He’s also a really good listener. Granted if you don’t have him on your good side, he'll tell everyone he can find about what you say, he’s still a good listener though. He’s just got this way about him, that you just talk to him. It’s like blah, blah, blah, talking about random stuff, then boom, next thing you realize, you just told him something that some of your friends don’t even know about you yet. He just listens well. But not only that, but he’s fun to talk to. He can talk about anything, at all. He’s not afraid to voice his opinion, even if it differs from yours and he thinks in a way, so unlike what you'd expect or that you're used to. Even when we agree on things, it’s usually for sometimes vastly different reasons, and you're like "wow, never thought of it that way." Talking to him is quite refreshing. It’s like getting a new outlook on life. Most my friends all think similarly to me, no big philosophical, moral, or ethical debates there. And the main person I talk to who’s not a liberal, well, I've talked to him so much, its kinda lost its fun because I expect most of what he’s says. It’s great to debate with someone new and fun. Hell, just the fact that I can talk to him at all is good! I mean, being able to hold an intelligent conversation with a guy is very important to me. And with Matt, I can talk for hours (literally) about things ranging from future plans, to abortion, to fellow Subway employees. So what I most like about him is his ability to listen and talk. Just talking to him for half an hour at work, is more intellectually fulfilling then a 2 hour conversation with Neylon. (No offense.)

As for his thoughts or feelings, well I'm not sure. Ok, Indre keeps saying he likes me, Shaffer says we're flirting, Emily and Tracy agree. And I want them to be right. I wanna believe that all our bickering is just a Rowling esque way to release sexual tension. I wanna believe that the water fights, the turn fights, the jokes, and all the little things like refilling each other's cups, getting things for one another, voluntarily doing what the other hates, and odd glances, mean that he has feelings for me or is interested. I wanna believe it, but come on folks. I'm a pessimistic bitch. Nothing ever goes my way, and I don’t wanna get my hopes up. I mean, he is always very nice to me, well he’s an ass, but nice at the same time. It makes sense to me ok? He’s always holding the door open, getting my jacket from the back, punching me in and out, and just little things. And he does all of these things automatically. No questions asked. It could just be from habit though. I mean we work together a lot and he may just be in the habit of punching me out because he’s right there. But if I'm letting myself be optimistic, I think I have hope. I think he may be interested. He may not be sure, but I think there’s something. A something that's going both ways. I just have to be same and make sure I'm not "spinning out of control."

My options? Well the two main ones are, do nothing and ask him out. But what to do? I mean, do nothing has a point. I can be safe that way. Prevent myself from possible heart ache and/or awkwardness. But that option leaves me alone and always wondering what could have been if only I hadn't been too fearful. I've turned down way too many guys in the past year in a half, and I regret that. I don’t want this to become another regret. As for option two, well I don’t wanna be too forward. It’s always a little odd when the girl asks the guy, and I don’t wanna come off too strong. I always come off too strong. Another problem with that, rejection! I don’t fancy rejection and the more then likely awkwardness that comes with a turn down. I do have to keep in mind that I work with him. A lot! But "no day but today" right? So option two is good because, well it would end the unsure aspect of things and well, I'd be exercising my right as a female to reverse the traditional roles. (Though if I'm being honest, I'm a helpless romantic, and I secretly want some big sappy, romantic gesture. I prove my gender equality all the time; I don’t wanna have to do it now.) So since I can't decide, I'm going with option 3. Wait and see. Just wait and observe for a bit. See if he does anything, or acts differently, or anything. Get some more proof to either they he likes me or doesn't like me possibilities, then go from there. Problem with this you say? I know! If I'm "too slow!" I'll miss my chance, but for now, the waiting option seems the best one to pick. I'll just have to "listen to my heart" and go with the flow.

ttyl and later days,
---Rhodes

"Its hard not be sure, I'm spinning out of control."
---Jamie, Moving Too Fast, The Last Five Years

Again

2006-01-24T22:35:00.000-06:00

I'm crying again. After I thought that I finally wouldn't cry over anything to do with him, spare death, ever again. Here I sit, crying my eyes out. I never meant to hurt him. Never. There are so many things I want to say to him. To make him understand. I do see his side, but he doesnt see mine. At least not all of it. So many things. So very many. So many regrets. So many wrongs I've commited. So many things that I would die to take back. So many things. So very many.
I
I've been lying. Lying to everyone, even myself. I thought I was fine, that things were better. When really all I did was what I did in 5th grade. Fill my life with anime. I had hoped, like he did, that everything would go back to normal given a few days. But it didnt. I was left with a gap so wide, so vast that I needed more and more anime to fill it with. I even started Operation Tracy to distract myself from it. But what I really need is my best friend back.

Please God, let it not be real. Let me wake up tomorrow and have it all be a dream. Let me wake up tomorrow and have it be the first day of High School. Then I can start over, clean slate. Please let it all have been a dream made up by my over active imagination. Cause if its not, I dont know what I'll do.

At Least For Now

2006-01-24T20:55:00.000-06:00

Ugh! Alright do you people see why I dont tell you guys shit. Why I dont talk about my problems till you drag them out of me. I volunteerily tell you all something I've been feeling and *boom* I'm branded the most uber bitch ever. Now Matt's trying to guilt trip me or something. Make me feel bad that I hurt him. Right, because he never once did anything like that to me. Not once. Whatever. I should have kept this to myself. Not said a thing and just dealt with it. *deep breath* I'm calm now. I swear. Riiight! *more deep breaths* I give up. At least for now. Besides, he didn't even want to talk to me when I tried to explain to him what I was feeling. I thought it the right thing to do, to tell him. But w/e. Never mind then.

Disgust

2006-01-23T23:53:00.000-06:00

Alright, since Tracy requested that I update this and since I had a bit of a revelation today during Potions, I'm going to update. But heres my disclaimer: Read it all! This is one of those posts that must be read all the way through (no skimming, no skipping) for the full meaning to take effect. I can not be held liable for those that are insulted or confused by this post if you do not read it all the way through. So heres the story. I was walking into Chem class...

Alright so I wanted into my new 4th hour Chem class with Reh. The first person I see is Matt and I go to sit with him. Akward silence. It hit me that we have virtually nothing to talk about. Nothing in common. Nothing! And he disgusts me. Not in the I hate him or he smells kinda way. But in the I have no feeling toward him what so ever and the very thought of him and having those feeling is just gross. I also realized that I sat with him, not because I wanted to, but because it was the "right thing to do." I even offered to move so Martucci could sit next to him, and I was actually slightly disappointed that he decided to do the "right thing" as well and say that it didn't matter. Then when Reh told us she was moving us, my insides did a little jig because I was safely out of that akward situation without having to seem like a bitch.

Ok, I know that sounds uber, uber bitchy and just plain mean. But please allow me to explain further. I dont hate Matt, certainly not. But I dont see a friendship anymore. I mean, now that I'm over him I'm left to wonder why were freinds. Before I tried so hard to remain his freind because I didn't want to lose the person I loved. But now... I dunno. We have pretty much zilch in common anymore. We're really more like aquantences (sp) then anything else. There just nothing anymore. And it feels like (at least to me), were both trying to do the "right thing" and remain friends, or pretend to be friends, even if thats not the truth.

And I mean, a part of me is very sad. He was a big part of my life for a long time. The change is sad and will take some getting used to. But I just dont see a reason to struggle to remain freinds, or keep up a shurade. (sp) And its kinda sad to not be in love anymore. Being in love is such an amazing feeling. Its crazy. Wonderful and horrible at the same time. Painfull and painless, joyful and sad. Not being that way after feeling it for so long is a bit depressing, but like I said, he disgusts me.

Ok, let me explain. When I see him, or hear him, or think of him, or even smell him, I'm grossed out. Its like all the things I used to love now make me sick. The very thought of having once loved him, makes me sick. And yes folks his smell too. Its like the pheremones (sp) that used to be a turn on for me, are now making me ready to puke. (Again, I'm not saying that Matt smells.) My mother says this is normal. That after moving on is disgust, then after that disbelieve, (like OMG I cant believe I dated him, I can't have.) and then a mellowing out to the point that you dont care.

My delima is this. Do I fight to try and keep/regain a freindship that has really and truely been lost for over a year? Or do I just give up, keep our aquantence satus, and stay with the people I've gotten close to recently? (Marina, Sammy, Natalie, Emily, Shaffer. Yay anime nights.) I dunno. I mean, (and I know this sounds wrong but oh well.) I just feels as if he isn't giving me a reason to maintain/regain a freindship with him. Its like I'm not seeing the benefits of all this. I dunno. Hmmm... I'm gonna have to give this some more thought. But let me just say one more time, this is not me being mean or malicious. Its just how I'm feeling currently and I thought you all might need/like to know.

ttyl and later days,
---Rhodes

"Now I see the light
It shines so bright'
Cause I know I'll find a man
Who will treat me right"
---Blu Cantrell, Waste My Time, So Blu

Free At Last

2006-01-08T04:16:00.000-06:00

Alright, how to start, how to start. First let me just say that this is good. It may sound emo or even heartless at times, but overall its good. I beg you, that if you start to read this, that you read it all! Otherwise you'll miss something. All right I'll start with yesterday at work. Once upon a time at Subway.....

Well, it was Friday night, payday and a couple of people came in to get their checks, including .... Tom! And let me just say one thing. OMFG!!! Hot, hot and more hot. He's even got this ghotee thing going on, and his clothes, oh! He was wearing this kickass swede jacket and.... Ok, back on topic. *blush* Tom came in and I was completely smitten by his hotness. He stayed a few mins, made chit chat with Bryan and I and then left. So I go to sit after he leaves and I'm just staring off into space. It was so bad that Bryan actually asked me, with real concern in his voice, if I was ok. lol.

While completely zonked out, I was think. a) Tom is H-O-T-T-T!! b) I have a completely physical, superficial crush on him c) Because its just a crush and there's no real emotion involved, that means little to no heart ache and d) Fin-a-fucking-ly!!!! Because you see, a feeling like I'm experiencing with Tom is something I haven't felt, haven't been able to feel since Junior High. Its similar to my old crush on Ken Thomas. Just a superficial crush on a good looking guy. (Though Tom is hotter.) I haven't been able to feel this way about anyone since 9th grade, around the time the Fiasco between Matt and I started. And to be able to feel this way about another guy means one thing. I'm moving on. Not just saying I'm moving on, not just hoping I'm moving on, but really actually moving on. Hell, I think I'm pretty much moved!

Take the other day as an example. Matt was supposed to give me the Chem homework in the morning, but he never showed. You see before, I would have freaked. I would have thought that Matt was doing this to hurt me, or that I had done something wrong and then I would have started crying and feel betrayed and alone and just a lot of emo shit. But that didn't happen. While it was annoying that I had to rush and do the Chem myself, I didn't really care. Ok, another example. Matt sat next to me the other morning. Normally I would have freaked with thoughts of how much I love him and blah, blah blah. My only thoughts then? 'Uh, your heads really close to mine (he was trying to look at Sam's camera at the same time as me) Wanna move it?' In other words, no emotion! I saw him and it was like eh! Instead of my usual rush of emotion. There's nothing! Nada, Zip. Hell I don't even care if we remain friends!

Ok, let me explain that last line. I know it sounded horribly evil, but its not!!!!!!! What I meant was that my existence, my happiness, no longer depends on our friendship remaining intact. Dont get me wrong, loosing a friend, or even just drifting from a friend hurts, esp with the history that Matt and I have. But its no longer a big deal. Before, if we hadn't remained friends I would have somehow blamed it on myself. I did the wrong thing, couldn't' move on, acted too emo, etc. And thus I would have hated myself and been miserable. Now? Well if we don't remain friends, while saddening, I can accept it as a natural part of our relationship. We hated each other, became friends, tried dating, fought hard to stay close, but in the end, drifted away. We learned a lot from each other along the way, shared many great memories, and made each other into the person they are today. Because we've known each other, we've been changed for good. (Intended musical reference.) We've shared a bond I wont soon forget and I doubt he will either. I'm not saying I'm giving up. I most certainly do still care about Matt as a friend, and do wish to remain his friend. But I no longer am trying to stay friends with him so that I can have him near me, or in hope that we might get back together. Matt's no longer what he used to be, my reason for existence.

I can best describe how I used to feel by quoting an Evanescence song, Anything For You:
I'll believe
All your lies
Just pretend you love me
Make believe
Close your eyes
I'll be anything for you
I used to be at the point where all I wanted was Matt's attention and anything else was fine. I was that desperate to have him in my life somehow. I know that sound pathetic, but there's a very good reason why. It takes a bit of diverging from our original topic into painful memories, but I'll give it a try. Back in 5th grade I was depressed, suicidal. You all know this. Well, I felt and believed the typical things one experiencing those emotions felt. Worthless, ugly, stupid, and anything of the like. I worked very hard duing Junior High to build for myself a better self-image. I managed it pretty well, I began to become confident in my intelligence, social skills, and just all around worth. But never my looks or personality. Never those two. Thus I instantly fell for the 1st person to show real interest in me. Matt. I always knew Matt had a bit of a crush on me and I used that as a way to make myself feel good about my self. It worked for a while, that is until the break up. Suddenly, (ok not so suddenly) he wasn't interested anymore. And if he wasn't who would be? Or at least that's how my thinking went. Who would want a short, fat, emo, rude, bitch? I know this sounds like I'm trying to make you pity me, I'm not. I'm just trying to make you all understand what I've been going through that past almost two years. I'm trying to make you see why I never moved on, why I clung so very tightly and why I was so easily broken.

What's changed all this? Several thing actually. 1) Troy, 2) Personality Changes, 3) Recent Events
Troy-
Troy is great! The German with his constant bi-polar ness never made me feel particularly good about myself. The opposite actually. But Troy is the type of person that is always saying something nice. Talking to him, (more him talking and me listening) has built my self-confidence so much! His constant reminder that I can get better, that I deserve better, that I'm pretty, and that any guy would be lucky to have me is just the thing I've missed in my life for so long.
Personality Changes-
On this count I don't mean my own personality changes. I'm not saying that I haven't changed, but I'm talking about Matt's changes, not mine. He's simply not the same person that he was in Junior High, or in 9th grade. In other words, he's not the person I fell in love with. I fell in love with Matthew James, the wonderful, sweet boy that always put me first. I fell in love with Matthew James that had no confidence in his ability to sing and in himself and thus I had to coach on how to be happy with himself, always remind him that I was his friend for who he was. Matt's no longer that person. He's just that, Matt. Matt's the one that broke my heart, strayed off to his other friends, and did things (sometimes purposefully) to piss me off and hurt me. I'm not saying that Matt's a complete jerk, but that certain something that was there, that I fell in love with is gone. I had hoped it would come back, but its not going to. And thus I can't love him anymore. He's not the same person. I will always be in love with Matthew James, first love and never forgetting and all that crap. But that something is gone, and I've moved on.
Recent Events-
My birthday being of the main two. Our convo last week being the other. Him ditching me on my birthday, what ever his reasons, hurt like a bitch. He lied to me, to my face! He told me he would do something with me, and then did something with someone else. On my birthday. All I could think was that he didn't care about me. And that he was using me, taking advantage of me. He knew that I loved him and thus was doing whatever he pleased just because I'd keep coming back. It was at that point that I realized he just wasn't the same person. Its also when Troy started talking me up. Then our convo last week. He admitted my worst fear. That what I said previously was true. He did do things and not think about how they would effect me because I would in the end get over it because of my feelings for him. Hearing him say that hurt like no other. But I needed to hear it because a)It's what Matt really thinks of me and b)I realized that not only is Matthew James gone, but gone for good. And that's when the past of the love I was holding onto dissipated. It was the evanescence of my love. Finally!

So what this entire, uber long entry means is that I've finally moved on. And finally taken care of one of the major problems in my life. Finally!! I'm finally free of at least one burden. My life isn't perfect, but that one burden held me back from so much, pushed me down so far..... To not have it makes me feel as if I can soar. I feel like flying, like my tears of joy are healing my old wounds, like my glorious song is filling my heart with hope of a better future. *takes a deep breath* Free at last, free at last. Thank God almightily I'm free at last!

ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes aka The un caged Phoenix.

But since you been goneI can breathe for the first time
---Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone, Breakaway.

I Lied

2005-12-17T19:05:00.000-06:00

Right, well, its been a while since I've used this. I did say that the last post would be the last. But I feel the need to update this. Here's what's been happening:

I didn't leave the group. Matt asked me not to, gave me a lecture and everything. Then he left. And I was so hurt, so angry, I didn't know what to do. Just seeing him made me wanna cry. Or kill him. I was pretty messed up over that. But we're talking again. Finally. And were on good terms again. But were not back to where we were. And I fear we wont ever be. We hung out for a while the other day and something was off. It was like I had to think about what I did, what I said. It felt so wrong. And I dont know how to change things and get them back to what it was. Or even if I should. Dont get me wrong, I'm glad were talking again, but its just ...off. What am I gonna go? I just dont know. *sigh* Its like our freindship, our really good freindship is a thing of the past, and I dont know how to handle that. I dont want it to be over, I want my best friend back. But I just dont know if thats possible, or how.

Crap! I'm crying again, I haven't cried in a while. Shit. I hate doing this. Ugh, I really hope no one reads this. I did say that I was gonna stop writing on this, so maybe I'm safe. Cause I dont wanna make Matt feel bad. This isnt his fault. Its my problem, my inability to change and accept change. I really need to find a way to deal with things better. I just feel, left behind. Matt's got the FCC and Shaffer who he goes on this walks with. Sam has Marina. Emily's got Bess and Donna, Tracy has Brody and I have.....

And what I hate most about this is that I have no right to feel this way. I have friends and what not, I'm just being stupid. But I can't stop it. Its like I have no control overmyself or anything anymore. *sigh* And I hate being out of control. I hate feeling confused, lost and weak. I need to have control over something. Like in 5th grade when I had no freinds, I had control over that. I forced people away, it was my choice. I could have changed it when I wanted. I have to have control over something. And I'm starting to get afraid. Afraid of what I might resort to to have conrtol over something. Anything.

My Last

2005-11-28T00:27:00.000-06:00

Well this is will be my last Blogger entry. So I guess it better be good.

Goodbye everyone. Goodbye. I can't do this anymore. Its time I let you all go. For good. I'll miss you all so much. You have no idea how much you mean to me. I love you all. But I guess I better tell you, here goes nothing:

Marina- I really don't know you that well. Not like I know some of the other ppl in the group. But still I knew you enough to know that you are a great person. You fun, smart and a good friend. Hanging out with you have created some memories that I wont soon forget. I'm giving you official Only Minority In The Group status. Goodbye.

Emily- Didn't know you that well either. But again, your a great and fun person. A fellow otaku. Anime nights kept me sane for a while. Keep up your otakuness. Don't let me down. I'm giving you Sesshoumaru. Goodbye.

Shaffer- Well, we've had a few troubles. Ok, more then a few. But still, I love you. You're a person that I've known for so long. One of the few that have managed not to get sick of me. Our relationship has had varying degrees of closeness but still, I care about you. Your now the only Jessica in the group. I'm giving you your name back, no more being called Shaffer. Goodbye.

Sam- Sammy Wammy. So many good times. I love you too. You were my writer friend and my fellow Potterhead. Its going to be hard for me not to make random comments in your ear in Potions anymore. But still, I care for you. Your always one to give great advice and be able to have some fun. I'm giving you official Potter Nerd status. Goodbye.

Tracy- I'll cut right to the chase, I love you. I think we were both just too messed up, to really be close for too long. Your a great person too and I know that I'll never forget you. You and *Nsync made me more outgoing. I wish we could have had a more consistent friendship, but I still care about you despite our misgivings. And I envy you right about now, you have the one you love. You dont know how lucky you are. *sigh* I'm giving you official Biggest Bitch In The Group status. Goodbye.

Misc Other Friends- Cassye, Mandy, Kujo, Dustin, David, Quigles, Ashley, Saffina, Christine, Deepti and so many others. I'm afraid your all being lumped into one category. Sorry. But still I love you all. My time with you has meant the world to me. Your all great people, in so many ways. I'll never forget you, I love you all. I'm giving you all my fondest thoughts and love.

Matthew James- Last and most defiantly not least. *sigh* Where to begin, where to begin. I just don't know. Saying "I love you" just doesn't feel like enough. I can't think of words to describe how I feel about you. Whenever I try to think of something I can use to describe how much you mean to me, all I hear playing louder and louder and over and over in my head is The Next Ten Minutes. You mean so much to me, I can't even describe it. Anything you want, anything at all, all you had to do was ask and I would have done it. That's how important to me you are. How much I'm in love with you. I know is sounds crazy. I'm not even 17 yet, how can I be in love with you? Oh but I am. You've done so much for me. Changed me so much. Made me so happy. You're the 1st person to care about me, not cause you had to, but because you wanted to. You were the one that taught me how to be happy, how to laugh and smile. You were the one that showed me who I really was, challenged what I said and thought, pushed me to be a better me. But most of all, you were the one that opened me up to love. For all those things, I'm forever in you debt. And forever in love with you. Nothing can change that, and no one will ever mean more to me then you do. You saved me Matthew. And how did I repay you? I made fun of you, hurt you, pushed you away. God, I'm so eternally sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I wish that I could make you understand how much you mean to me. But most of all I just hope that one day you'll forgive me for all the times I hit you, yelled at you and hurt you. I just hope that you don't hate me. They say you never forget your 1st love and I know that I'll never forget you. Never. I'll never forget the way you made me laugh, made me smile, made me happy to be alive. I'll never forget the way just thinking of you, or hearing your voice, calmed me down. I'll never forget how just the barest of touches from you set electric shivers down my spine. And I'll never forget how looking you in the eye, your amazing blue eyes, made me feel more exposed and more secure then I've ever felt in my life. Its you I'll miss the most. I give you all my eternal gratitude, my deepest apologies, and all my love. Goodbye.

I'll miss you all so much. Maybe, someday, I'll have you all back in my life. But for now at least. Goodbye.

Sorry Mr. Best Friend

2005-11-27T15:30:00.000-06:00

Sorry Mr. Best Friend. Sorry for doing what my insticts naturally make me do. Sorry for not being able to suddenly open up like I'd like to. Sorry for thinking that maybe, you'd know me well enough by now to understand that the more I push you away, the more I need you. Sorry for trying to think of some way to voice my emotions so I dont do something stupid. Sorry I can't be exactly what you want me to be. I'm trying, but I'm failing. So forgive me if I give up.

So no more blogger, no more Xanga. Will that make you happy? Will it? Fine. No more of either. I'll just be the old me. The me that kept everything to herself and pretended to be happy. I'll be the falsely confident person you want me to be. There. Happy? You win.

I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect

2005-11-26T22:53:00.000-06:00

I'm relapsing. Not that its surprising. But I am. I walk into the house after work and the 1st thing my mother does is bitch me out. I'm not doing stuff well enough for her. Did she ever think that maybe I'm the child that has 5 clubs, an AP class, a job, fuck up freidns (no offense) and failing attempts at happiness and a social life. But no, that can't be why. Its just because I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough. Ever. Never have been. Never will be. AH!!!!!!!! I just wanna scream. Scream and cry. This is so infuriating. Its the same thing over and over; I start to feel better, get positive, start looking toward the future and then someone brings me down. God! It happens every mother fucking single time. I just wanna kill someone. Or myself. Doesn't matter to me. As the great Gred and Forge once said, "We're not picky where we stick this thing." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shaking right now to stay under control. My stomach is clinching, my breath heavying and my eyes filling with liquid. Why does this keep happening? Why? God!!! I'm just never good enough. Nothing I ever do will be good enough. Not for anyone.

I'm sorry Mr(s). Teacher. I'm sorry I'm not working to my full potential. I hardly sleep at night and I cry myself to sleep most the time. Forgive me for not doing as well I could. I do what I can. Can't you be happy with that?
I'm sorry Parents. I'm sorry that I didnt' wash that pot, or scrub that counter. I'm usually half asleep and have a migrane, Forgive me for wanting to go to bed and get at least 4 hrs of sleep. Oh God forbid.
I'm sorry Miss Manager. I'm sorry that I didn't scrub the floors or clean the bread pans. I was trying to balance my delicate schedule and do some homework. Cause if I dont do my homework, I'll have to quit. Sorry for trying to maximize my time.
I'm sorry Mr. Best Freind. I'm sorry I'm not the confident person you obviously want to be freinds with. But I'm falling apart at the seams here and forgive me for thinking that I would have a best freind to lean on, to help me instead of leaving me for another group, instead of telling me that our friendship will never be the same.
I'm sorry Miss Former Best Freind. I'm sorry I can't deal with your shit and mine. I'm sorry for trying to tell you what I thought and give you advice such as getting a potential problem you have checked out.
I'm sorry Mr. Or Miss Misc Other Friend. I'm sorry that I have problems and a fucking busy as hell life and can't always be there. I'm sorry for trying not to burden you with my problems as well and deal with them on my own.
And last but not least I'm sorry world. I'm sorry for wasting the air that I've breathed, the food that I've eaten, the gas that I've burned and the space that I've taken. All for my meaningless useless life.

Sorry everyone. Sorry I can't be perfect.

Another Problem?

2005-11-25T11:40:00.000-06:00

Ok, I think I have another problem. Not a huge one, but still a legitimate one. How am I supposed to act? I'm getting together with my freinds tomorrow. Yay! But How am I supposed to act? I dont know how to not but on my brave face. My act automaticaly goes up when I'm around people. I have no control over it. Because the Rhodes that isn't wearing the mask, isn't fun. That's the Rhodes that cries all the time and wants to die. No one wants to be around that Rhdoes. No one. So now I'm at a lost. I mean, the point of hanging as a group is so we can have fun, so that means I have to put on the act. Act is the wrong word for it really. Its not all an act. I mean, when I'm with my freinds I really am happy. I just numb everything else and focus on my friends, so its not false, its a real laugh and a real smile. It just doesnt reach the depths of my soul. So I guess to be honest, I should say I dont know how to dethaw myself around people. And I'm not sure I want to. I want to hang out and have fun. Its something I live for. So like I said, I have another problem. I cant just not freeze that part of me, I'd fall apart. I'd be no fun. *sigh* This is so annoying. So difficult. *double sigh* What to do? What to do....? And its not like I can change quickly either. I'd love to, but I can't. I mean, I've even been told by a two people in the last 24 hrs that our freindships will never be the same. What kind of an insintive is that? And before I can get better, I need to be open. There are so many more things that arent on either my Xanga or this. So many things I dont even feel comfortable writing, things that I never really solved from 5th grade. My insecurites with men, my feelings of never being good enough, Cinderella Syndrome, my feelings of neglect, my feelings of betrayal. All of these things and more are things that I'll need to talk about, confess before I'll ever really move on in life.

So my goal now, is to open up. Start talking about my problems. Talking, not typing. *triple sigh* I'm screwed. I have such a long road ahead of me. Its so tempting to quite. To just stop. So tempting to go grab the knife sitting on my counter. *qradruple sigh* But as a great and wise man once said, "...you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy..."

I Figured It Out

2005-11-23T19:14:00.000-06:00

Confidence. Something I used to have in spades. But now it seems like is more or less gone. Not confidence in what I'm good at, or what I want to do with my life. But confidence in whether or not my life is worth living, thats the confidence I seem to be missing. And its ruining my freindship. So now that I know thats my problem I need to figure out when this "confidence" left. Well, it was there in 7th grade. And 8th as well. I was content then, happy and joyful. And for most of 9th grade I was happy too. The act began at the end of 9th grade. After the Fiasco. I'm not saying all of this is Matt's fault, even though that sounds like what I'm implying. Its no!!!!!! This is all my fault. Cause the reason I couldn't bounce back from was a) my parents were getting me down and b) I thought that I was losing my best friend too. And the combination of the two made me for the 1st time in ages, question myself. Made me question whether or not I was worhty of having friends. If no one wanted to date me, then why be my friend, why care? My old insecurities came back. And it was my fault (not yours Matthew), because I had become so used to everything going well, to everything being more or less the same, that I didn't know what to do. How to handle the change.

So I've figured it out. The thing thats missing, the things that off in my life. Change. Unfamiliarity. It seems like everything just keeps changing. Change is ok. But its been happening so violently, quickly and relentlessly latly that I haven't had a chance to get used to one change, before another happens and I'm lost again. So whats missing, is stability. One thing that I can be sure of no matter what. I just dont think I have anything like that anymore. Even Matt said he was pulling away from me. So what I need to do is find some stability. Something unchanging in this ever changing world. Easier said then done. But I'm trying to be optimistic. (Its strange for me). I need to be happy, thankful, that I've finally figure out the problem. I dont know how to solve it. But I'm making headway.

Death

2005-11-22T01:12:00.000-06:00

Well, today was shitty. A student at school died over the weekend, so the mood today at school was bad. But it really made me think. Made me realize my own mortality. At one point during the day, at work, all I could think about was how I wish it had been me. Death. Such an elusive dream of mine. It wouldn't matter if I were dead anyway. A ton, I mean a ton of people were upset today, people that barely even knew her. I couldn't help but be somewhat happy during this whole thing, so have so many people love you, to have so many people moarn your death. If that announcement had been about me, the reaction would have been, "there's a student named Jessica Rhodes at this school?" No one, but my immediate friends would have cared. And only just barely too. It wouldn't have changed much. In fact it would have been for the better. God, I wish it had been me. I'm expendable, I haven't made a difference, made an impression upon peoples lives, not like Kathryn did. I've done nothing worthy of note. So why am I still here? Why did someone who so many people obviously cared about, get taken away, when I'm left here. What was the point?

But in my mussings, I also realized something else. A tiny part of me, a very obnoxious part, wants to live. Wants to keep going. It wants to keep living in hope that maybe one day I will be so loved that my death will matter. It wants to continue going on praying that someone cares. Just one person. I hate that part of me. But I love it too. God, I'm so confusing. I dont know what I want. What I feel. I dont know who I am. I'm angry all the time and I take it out on the people that I love like hanging up on Matt today. I dont know what I've become. I dont know where the front I put on ends and I begin. I want to die, yet I want to live on. I feel so angry, alone and sad, but still I smile and laugh with my peers. What's the real me? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? I need help. I can't do this anymore. I'm shaking, crying, I can barely type. I need a friend. My best freind. If he even wants to be anymore. I just dont know. I dont know anything. Please someone help me. I can't do it myself. I'm not strong enough. I'm weak, so very weak. Isn't there someway to make this end? Make it go away? Help me! I can't go on. What's my reason for living? I'm not sure anymore. I barely know my name. I wanna be happy, I really do. But I'm so alone. So tired. So afraid. I want to open up to someone, but I've taught myself for so long to keep it locked up, I'm not sure I know how. Typing this is one thing. Its like writing for me. I can express myself in written word. But I've trained so long to stop the words I really want to say, the emotions I really feel, from coming out, that I'm not sure I know how to. And so, I remain utterly alone. Isn't it ironic? I pushed people away so much so that they couldn't hurt me, that when I need them, I can't get the help I need cause I'm not used to being open with people. My defense mechanism is biting me in the ass. Everything is biting me in the ass. I know nothing. Not who I am, not who my friends are. Nothing.

Why wasn't it me, why!? My death would have caused so much less strife, so much less trouble. So why am I still here? Do that Fates hate me so much that they would ruin the lives of others, take away a child from thier parent, a freidns from their group, a student from their school, just to keep me living? So keep punishing me? But maybe I should be happy. That tiny part of me that wants to live should be at least. God, I dont make sense. I dont even know myself. How can I expect someone else to. How can I expect anyone to help me? To care.

I just wish.....

God! I dont know what I wish. I dont know anything.

Burning Rubber and Bi-Polar Bitches

2005-11-21T00:53:00.000-06:00

Well, I feel as if I've been slapped in the face. Tracy, who said everything was fine at the Intervention, is now pissed at everyone. And talking about people like dogs. Well you know what, fuck her. I've given up. I have enough of my own fucked up problems to deal with to bother with her. AH!!!!!!!!!!! I swear, I almost killed her last night. I literally burned rubber speeding out of Sam's drive way. Damn you Emily, damn you and your shoes! She'd be dead right now if not for you, or at least hurt. *shakes with anger* What a back stabbing bitch. Then, she uses that fact that I'm trying to help against me. You see, Matt suggested trying to share Sammy. I said that I've been trying for 2 years to figure out a way to do that so that no one gets hurt, and it doesnt end well. It wasn't as the Cunt said, a cheap shot at Matt, but rather me using my personal experience to try and enlighten the group. And she tried to say that I wasn't open during the Intervention. Fuck you bitch! Forgive me if I would prefer to talk about my problems privatly with my best friend. My problems have nothing to do with the group, and therefore didn't need to be said during the Intervention. I plan to talk to Matt quite soon actually, but our schedules conflict like a mother. But I want to. Trust me I want to. Cause I'm tired of using this as a way to get out my emotions. I wanna talk to my friend. I wanna cry on his shoulder, and not this keyboard. I want to have him say a comforting word to me, instead of only hearing the click of the keys. Is that so hard for the Cunt to understand? Apparently. Ugh!!! I wanted to kill her. I really did. We also thought of egging her house, TPing it, ding dong ditching, and chucking cake at it. I can't believe her. Actually, yes I can. I just didn't want to. But whatever, I've offically given up, no more Tracy in my life. I wish her the best, but I dont wanna be part of it anymore.

To Talk or Not to Talk? That is the Question.

2005-11-16T01:21:00.000-06:00

So, I'm sure I would have updated more since that last time I did if I my internet wasn't working. Trust me, there were a few times where I thought I would just lose it if I didn't get on this thing to rant and cry. That past week has had some major lows, and a few semi-highs. The shineing moment... bitching The German out. It was great, but emotionally fucked up. I cried later and shit because to yell at him, brought back suppressed emotions. *sigh* Whatever. Fuck him.

But now, I have to make a decision. Do I want to try and add something about me to the agenda for Intervention 3.0? I mean, whats the point really? Interventions, how I see them, are for conflicts between group members, and for when a members actions/attitude has become unbearable. But you see, I'm very good at hiding my depression and sadness. (Too good sometimes.) So how doI justify bringing me up? I can't. I mean, I dont have grievnces with anyone in the group. My grievences are with the situation and state of my life. I mean, what good would it do to try and talk to Matt for example. I mean, if he wanted to spend more time with me, he would. So obviously, since he doesnt, nor does he try, he doesn't want to spend more time with me. I can't force him. I can't guilt him into it. That's not friendship. I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at the situation were in. I mean, its my fault really. I more or less forced him to ask me out without thinking of the consequenced, and then when it didn't work out, I wasn't able to move on. My fault, no one to blame but me. So how can I bring something up, disrupt the little peace we have, and bring up some emo shit that is all my fault to begin with. I mean, I can't blame him for wanted to be away from me. Hell! I wanna be away from me. *sigh* So as usual, my thoughts, my emotions, will be kept mostly to myself. No one will know. Just me and this Blogger. I wonder how long I'll last? Cause I'm barely hanging on. I'm losing it. And fast.

Sword

2005-11-06T12:48:00.000-06:00

I Wish I had a sword. Or a Gun. Or something. I really wanna hurt something. Now! Just break it. Make it feel as much pain as I do. Cause even if people say they care, how can I believe them if they dont act like it? If they dont even try to be with me? I'm not a medium. I'm just simple old Jessica Rhodes. Nothing special. And obviouisly nothing to care about. I need a sword. Better yet, I need a happy life.

OW

2005-11-05T15:51:00.000-06:00

Ow. It hurts. Everything. Everything hurts. All of this pain, it just wont go away. Everytime I think it may stop, there it is again. With a vengence. And each times it kills a little more of me. Takes a way a little more of my resolve to keep going. Keep living. I can't keep doing this. Why am I? I mean, I hate my life. I have what I've been. I hate everything that's happened to me in the last few years. I just wanna go back. Why can't I? I wanna go back to junior high. I was so happy then. Genuinly happy. Not the false happy I put on when I'm around people, but really happy. I was care free. I liked living. I wanted to live. But not anymore. I just can't stand it. Everyone I care about is slowly leaving me. Whether they mean to or not, or even whether they know it or not, they are. Slowly, but surely, they leaving me. I feel it. The distance bewteen my friends and I. I feel so utterly alone. Unloved. I dont wanna do this anymore. I dont wanna live anymore. What is there for me? Nothing. Why would there be? Its just me. Just Jessica Rhodes. I feel so useless. Its like all I can eve do is cry. I can't even say I'm good at keeping myself under control anymore. I've lost that. The one thing, the only thing I was good at. Pretending the pain didn't exist. Now its consuming me. And I'm loosing. I can't win this. I'm not strong enough. Hell, I can't even ask for help. It wont matter. Why disrupt the lives of those I care about, just to get them to help me in a loosing battle? Why do I keep going? There's no point. I should have just done it. I should have just killed myself way back then in 5th grade. That day I had the razor blades in my hands, I should have done it. God, I remember that day vividly. I was sitting in my room, with a bunch of large paper bag beneath me, my note on my desk and the razor blade held veritcally to my wrist so I'd hit more of the vein. I can remember what I was wearing too. A black shirt with little flowers wround the collar, and a pair of dark blue jeans. I had put the bags there so their wouldn't be much to clean, and I had cleaned my house from top to bottom to save my parents the trouble. I mean, even if they didn't love me, I still cared for them, and I wanted to make their lives easier. And do you know what stopped me? Why I didn't just slice and be done? The phone rang. My mother of course. She wanted me to wash a load of clothes. The one thing I hadn't cleaned. I had left a bunch of clothes in the basement. And so, being the desperate person I was, being the person that always did anything she could hoping to get a little bit of praise, I stopped what I had planned to go down there and put a load of clothes in the washer. Isn't that sad? Then, the German came home. He usually didn't come home early, but for once he did. Just my luck right? I can't even kill myself because fate was still conspiring against me. lol That's almost funny. Like one of those times where you either cry of laugh. But then again, I'm already crying so what does it matter. I was so good at hiding things back then. They never knew I was depressed, never knew I was suicidal. Still dont know even. I hid everything so well. And then, I started junior high. And the strangest thing happened. I made friends. And it was a rough year, my 6th grade year. I mean, I had spent so long pushing people away so they couldnt hurt me, that I had to re-learn social skills. But I did and my 7th and 8th grade years were so happy. I made great friends, had a ton of fun. The *Nsync dance, goofing off, meeting Matt, Tracy, Shaffer. I was happy to be alive. Almost glad, that I didn't kill myself. And then high school started and it all went back down hill. I tried dating and we all know how that turned out. I was so miserable. The two weeks after that break up were some of the worst of my life. I spent those weeks doing nothing but crying. I hardly eat. And when I did, I ate chocolate. I think in that two week time period, I only ate one full meal. I barelly slept. I stayed up and cried, and usually around 2 am I cry myself to sleep. Only to wake up in an hour crying again. And do you know why I had that reaction? It was just that I was dumped, but because it was my best freind that did it. I thought I had lost my best friend. I didn't think we'd be able to go back to being freinds. I felt so alone and I had no one to talk to. I mean who was I supposed to go to? The best friend that had just dumped me? God, I felt so alone then. And the break up wasn't the only reason. My parents were arguing non-stop then too. By the end of my freshman year they were going to get divorced. But they decided to stay together and Matt and I somehow managed to stay freinds. So my more or less numb 10th year started. All that really happened then was a year long denial of my feelings. I pretended not to care that I hardely saw Matt, I pretened not to care that I was miserable and that my again arging parents were getting to me. I drowned myself in fan fics, and video games. It was like my 5th grade year again. Except relying on anime, I relied on fics and games. Seeing a fic update was one of the few things that put a true smile on my face. I was beginning to loose my will to live. I knew what was coming next, I felt it coming, much as I tried to ignore it. Tried to pretend I didn't care. What was coming you ask? This. Depression. Sadness. Loneliness. Pain. Tears. Sucidal thoughts. They're back and they're making up for lost time. I dont wanna do this anymore. I can't. I'm barely hanging on. I can hardly keep my pain hidden at school, its that strong. I just wanna die? My life isn't worh this much pain? It's not worth much of anything. Not anymore. I've lost everything. Slowly but surely, I'm loosing it all. I dont even know if I'll be able to last till winer break at this level. I'm using all the strength I have, but I'm running out. I barely have anything to hang on to anymore. The only way I'm holding now is by turning my emotions into anger. I can handle that better then anything. But I'm gonna snap. I'm gonna loose it. So why not end it? Why not? What's stopping me? Why should I keep going?

Looking Better?

2005-11-04T00:30:00.000-06:00

Well, last night I talked to Matt. He told me he didn't have the link to this, so I update this really emo thing and then he quotes it. I was kinda pissed that he lied to me but whatever, thats not the point. He read my update and more or less started yelling at me for what I said. He said some really nice things, they made me cry. But not necessarily bad tears. Heres some stuff he said:

genopenoleno: you know why I shrug important things you say to me off?
genopenoleno: because they are important to me too, run away from you??? never in a million years, you're too much to me even when it doesn't seem like it
jr4q9: and as i've said before, i tell u things for ur own good
genopenoleno: me leaving wouldn't be for my own good
jr4q9: how not? then u can spend ur time with ppl that actually have things in comon with u. jr4q9: really matt, what do we ahve in comon?
genopenoleno: IN COMMON-i haven't changed as a person because of them, i havn't learned how to grow as a friend because of them, and most importantly, i haven't learned to love because of them, so trust me, they aren't like my idols, at all.........
jr4q9: matthew, its not like i want this cause not having u in my life, would kill me. but really, matt, all i am to u is a drag. i'm constantly emo, i'm rude, i insult u non-stop. need me to go on? genopenoleno: you are way to hard on yourself
genopenoleno: and i can SOOOOOO win at this game
genopenoleno: i'm selfish
genopenoleno: i'm ignorant
genopenoleno: i'm obnoxious
genopenoleno: i'm never there
genopenoleno: i'm a bad friend
genopenoleno: i am worse than rude
genopenoleno: i'm horrible
genopenoleno: so there
jr4q9: u win? i think not! i'm emo, i'm depressed, i argue all the time. i never let anyone have a say in anything. i have to be right all the time. i'm pushy. and i'm easily jealous
jr4q9: i loose my temper quickly
genopenoleno: I"M SO worse
jr4q9: my moods change suddenly
genopenoleno: don't go there

Wasn't that sweet? Then later he says some bogus thing that shocked me into speechlessness for almost two minutes. I just stared at my monitor. He said:
genopenoleno: you aren't like that
genopenoleno: hell you would never even let me kiss you

All I can say is, what the fuck!? What relationship was he in!?!?! Certainly not the same one that I was in. I never let him kiss me? He never tried! And trust me, and attempt would have been more then welcomed. *shakes head* As Sam said, no wonder we didn't work out, we were obviously in two very different relationships. *sigh*

Anyway, The point I was trying to get at is that I'm feeling a little better. I've never before voiced my fear that I should leave my friends and its comforting to know that at least Matt doesn't want it to happen. Though give me two days and I'll be back to my normal emo self. *sigh*

Not A Good Way To Start The Day

2005-11-02T23:37:00.000-06:00

I woke up depressed. I just felt bad, alone and unloved. All I did when I got to school was sit and stare at a spot on the wall hoping the pain would go away. It didn't. Even when my friends were sitting there I felt it. Actually, it felt worse then. I felt like I was surrounded by people, but not a damn soul cared. Not one. It got to the point that after Sam, Tracy and Matt ran off to do something really quickly, I just left. I felt overwhelmed by my loneliness and I just needed to get away. I went to the Techie Table. I'm thinking of sitting there from now on. At least there, I know no one cares and they aren't supposed to. They are the ones that are my good freinds. But with everyone else, ugh! I guess on a logical level I know that they care, but it just doesn't feel like it sometimes. It feels like they use me to either complain to, or get a good laugh from. Or they feel as if they can't stop being my freind because theres a history there. God, I feel like a drag on everyone. I should just leave them. That's the right thing to do right? Its better for them in the long run to be away from me. I told Matt to run away from me before it was too late. I think he thought I was joking. *sigh* I dont wanna leave them all. But I can't think of anything else. What else will help prevent me from dragging them all down into my depression with me? All I feel, all the time, is a great rage inside myself. I just wanna hurt someone, to scream, to shout, to break something and have someone care. I'm afraid I'll blow and I dont wanna hurt them. I care about them too much to do that. Oh God, what am I gonna do. I can't live without them. But for the betterment of them all, I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to leave.

1st Post

2005-11-01T23:20:00.000-06:00

Well, this is my 1st post. I can't say how often I'll update this seeing as how I plan only to use this as a rant and for my emo-ness. (though with me that can be alot) Thing is, I can't use my Xanga b/c everyone knows about that. No one (or very few) will know about this.

Currently:

Depressed and hiding it well. I'm in love with my best friend (whos also my ex-boyfriend) who has admitted to having some feelings for me, but not enough to make a difference. I can respect that, but it doesn't instantly make me over him. And hes has other freinds other then our group of friends that he spend a lot of time with and half the time I'm afraid that he'll realize I'm not worthy of being his friend and that the FCC (Freaky Chorus Cult. I made up the name) can offer him so much more. With them he doesnt have to worry about "leading me on." And they share a lot more things in common with him then I do. I just know that one day my inability to move on will cause him to give up on me and finally go with the FCC. Any logical person would. And recently, I've barely even seen him. At least we used to sit together in the morning but now he wont sit with us because Marina body slammed him into a locker. Thanks a lot Marina! (not that I'm mad at her of him, its more that I'm mad at the situation of him being with the FCC more then me, even though I cant dominate his time. I just miss him. Is that so bad?)

My parents (my mom and step-dad that is the only dad I've ever really known) are getting a divorce. I still care about The German (my soon to me ex-stop-dad) but he cheated on my mom and hes a bipolar asshole. Now my mom has a new boyfreind, Troy. I like Troy and all and he makes my mom happy, but still, its a lot to get used to.

My mother is nuts. One second shes yelling as me the next shes like "Guess what Doug said at work today." She cant make up her mind. My old 5th grade fears of my mother not loving me are coming back. (I was depressed and suidical in 5th grade). She drives me nuts. She expects too much. I'm sorry mother, if I decide not to wash a pot before bed because I got off work at 10, did homework till 1 and decided that I wanted to get the foreign thing called "sleep." I'm sorry I forgot to tell you were out of dishwashing stuff. Is that a reason to not let me go to a party that I had been looking forward to for over a month? A party that was gonna be my only social time because I spend all my time at work or doing homework?

My friends are crazy. Dont get me wrong, I love them I do. (In the non-freaky sexual sorta way. well, except for one..... lol) But they are psyco!! Nuts! Mad! Out of thier minds! One second were all good friends. Then we find out the one secret hates another and no one talks for a while. I mean God! All we do is ignore the problem for the most part and pretend it isn't happening. Even when we have an Intervention. (what we call our group talks)

And to add insult to injury, my job sucks. I work at Subway for minimum wage and a really annoying boss. It sucks up all my time and I don't get home till after 10 most nights. Then I have a shit load of homework to do so I'm up till at least 1 am trying to do it all. So my average amount of sleep is 4 1/2 hours. Not much.

So I dont sleep, I'm stressed and I usually dont eat well or at all. I constantly have a pounding headache, I can't see straight have the time, and I black out for a few minutes at a time everyonce in a while. My mother is crazy and semi-bipolar, my soon to be ex-step-dad is constantly at the back of my mind, and my siblings drive me up a wall. My freinds are stressful and nuts, and I'm madly in love with my best freind to the point that sometimes when sittine next to him I get naughty mental images of things I'd like to do to hime and or have him do to me. (Yes i'm a perv!) And this is all despite the fact that a) he doesnt want me, b) its been over a year and a half, and c) I've tried very, very hard to move on. I'm currently starting to consider myself to be between best freinds. (Between Matt and the next one, that is.) And I'm lonely and feel unloved and used by everyone. Everyone wants something, but no one bothers to see if its convenient for me. No one ever seems to care.

So hello and welcome to my life. This is just the tip of the iceburg. Theres still my occasional suicidal thoughts, crying myself to sleep most nights, my past history with depression, my biological father (all he really did was give some sperm) and intense inner rage to talk about. But I dont wanna give you too much to deal with right off the bat.

Hope this makes you appriceiate your life more.