[::..My Last..::]
Well this is will be my last Blogger entry. So I guess it better be good.
Goodbye everyone. Goodbye. I can't do this anymore. Its time I let you all go. For good. I'll miss you all so much. You have no idea how much you mean to me. I love you all. But I guess I better tell you, here goes nothing:
Marina- I really don't know you that well. Not like I know some of the other ppl in the group. But still I knew you enough to know that you are a great person. You fun, smart and a good friend. Hanging out with you have created some memories that I wont soon forget. I'm giving you official Only Minority In The Group status. Goodbye.
Emily- Didn't know you that well either. But again, your a great and fun person. A fellow otaku. Anime nights kept me sane for a while. Keep up your otakuness. Don't let me down. I'm giving you Sesshoumaru. Goodbye.
Shaffer- Well, we've had a few troubles. Ok, more then a few. But still, I love you. You're a person that I've known for so long. One of the few that have managed not to get sick of me. Our relationship has had varying degrees of closeness but still, I care about you. Your now the only Jessica in the group. I'm giving you your name back, no more being called Shaffer. Goodbye.
Sam- Sammy Wammy. So many good times. I love you too. You were my writer friend and my fellow Potterhead. Its going to be hard for me not to make random comments in your ear in Potions anymore. But still, I care for you. Your always one to give great advice and be able to have some fun. I'm giving you official Potter Nerd status. Goodbye.
Tracy- I'll cut right to the chase, I love you. I think we were both just too messed up, to really be close for too long. Your a great person too and I know that I'll never forget you. You and *Nsync made me more outgoing. I wish we could have had a more consistent friendship, but I still care about you despite our misgivings. And I envy you right about now, you have the one you love. You dont know how lucky you are. *sigh* I'm giving you official Biggest Bitch In The Group status. Goodbye.
Misc Other Friends- Cassye, Mandy, Kujo, Dustin, David, Quigles, Ashley, Saffina, Christine, Deepti and so many others. I'm afraid your all being lumped into one category. Sorry. But still I love you all. My time with you has meant the world to me. Your all great people, in so many ways. I'll never forget you, I love you all. I'm giving you all my fondest thoughts and love.
Matthew James- Last and most defiantly not least. *sigh* Where to begin, where to begin. I just don't know. Saying "I love you" just doesn't feel like enough. I can't think of words to describe how I feel about you. Whenever I try to think of something I can use to describe how much you mean to me, all I hear playing louder and louder and over and over in my head is The Next Ten Minutes. You mean so much to me, I can't even describe it. Anything you want, anything at all, all you had to do was ask and I would have done it. That's how important to me you are. How much I'm in love with you. I know is sounds crazy. I'm not even 17 yet, how can I be in love with you? Oh but I am. You've done so much for me. Changed me so much. Made me so happy. You're the 1st person to care about me, not cause you had to, but because you wanted to. You were the one that taught me how to be happy, how to laugh and smile. You were the one that showed me who I really was, challenged what I said and thought, pushed me to be a better me. But most of all, you were the one that opened me up to love. For all those things, I'm forever in you debt. And forever in love with you. Nothing can change that, and no one will ever mean more to me then you do. You saved me Matthew. And how did I repay you? I made fun of you, hurt you, pushed you away. God, I'm so eternally sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I wish that I could make you understand how much you mean to me. But most of all I just hope that one day you'll forgive me for all the times I hit you, yelled at you and hurt you. I just hope that you don't hate me. They say you never forget your 1st love and I know that I'll never forget you. Never. I'll never forget the way you made me laugh, made me smile, made me happy to be alive. I'll never forget the way just thinking of you, or hearing your voice, calmed me down. I'll never forget how just the barest of touches from you set electric shivers down my spine. And I'll never forget how looking you in the eye, your amazing blue eyes, made me feel more exposed and more secure then I've ever felt in my life. Its you I'll miss the most. I give you all my eternal gratitude, my deepest apologies, and all my love. Goodbye.
I'll miss you all so much. Maybe, someday, I'll have you all back in my life. But for now at least. Goodbye.
Goodbye everyone. Goodbye. I can't do this anymore. Its time I let you all go. For good. I'll miss you all so much. You have no idea how much you mean to me. I love you all. But I guess I better tell you, here goes nothing:
Marina- I really don't know you that well. Not like I know some of the other ppl in the group. But still I knew you enough to know that you are a great person. You fun, smart and a good friend. Hanging out with you have created some memories that I wont soon forget. I'm giving you official Only Minority In The Group status. Goodbye.
Emily- Didn't know you that well either. But again, your a great and fun person. A fellow otaku. Anime nights kept me sane for a while. Keep up your otakuness. Don't let me down. I'm giving you Sesshoumaru. Goodbye.
Shaffer- Well, we've had a few troubles. Ok, more then a few. But still, I love you. You're a person that I've known for so long. One of the few that have managed not to get sick of me. Our relationship has had varying degrees of closeness but still, I care about you. Your now the only Jessica in the group. I'm giving you your name back, no more being called Shaffer. Goodbye.
Sam- Sammy Wammy. So many good times. I love you too. You were my writer friend and my fellow Potterhead. Its going to be hard for me not to make random comments in your ear in Potions anymore. But still, I care for you. Your always one to give great advice and be able to have some fun. I'm giving you official Potter Nerd status. Goodbye.
Tracy- I'll cut right to the chase, I love you. I think we were both just too messed up, to really be close for too long. Your a great person too and I know that I'll never forget you. You and *Nsync made me more outgoing. I wish we could have had a more consistent friendship, but I still care about you despite our misgivings. And I envy you right about now, you have the one you love. You dont know how lucky you are. *sigh* I'm giving you official Biggest Bitch In The Group status. Goodbye.
Misc Other Friends- Cassye, Mandy, Kujo, Dustin, David, Quigles, Ashley, Saffina, Christine, Deepti and so many others. I'm afraid your all being lumped into one category. Sorry. But still I love you all. My time with you has meant the world to me. Your all great people, in so many ways. I'll never forget you, I love you all. I'm giving you all my fondest thoughts and love.
Matthew James- Last and most defiantly not least. *sigh* Where to begin, where to begin. I just don't know. Saying "I love you" just doesn't feel like enough. I can't think of words to describe how I feel about you. Whenever I try to think of something I can use to describe how much you mean to me, all I hear playing louder and louder and over and over in my head is The Next Ten Minutes. You mean so much to me, I can't even describe it. Anything you want, anything at all, all you had to do was ask and I would have done it. That's how important to me you are. How much I'm in love with you. I know is sounds crazy. I'm not even 17 yet, how can I be in love with you? Oh but I am. You've done so much for me. Changed me so much. Made me so happy. You're the 1st person to care about me, not cause you had to, but because you wanted to. You were the one that taught me how to be happy, how to laugh and smile. You were the one that showed me who I really was, challenged what I said and thought, pushed me to be a better me. But most of all, you were the one that opened me up to love. For all those things, I'm forever in you debt. And forever in love with you. Nothing can change that, and no one will ever mean more to me then you do. You saved me Matthew. And how did I repay you? I made fun of you, hurt you, pushed you away. God, I'm so eternally sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I wish that I could make you understand how much you mean to me. But most of all I just hope that one day you'll forgive me for all the times I hit you, yelled at you and hurt you. I just hope that you don't hate me. They say you never forget your 1st love and I know that I'll never forget you. Never. I'll never forget the way you made me laugh, made me smile, made me happy to be alive. I'll never forget the way just thinking of you, or hearing your voice, calmed me down. I'll never forget how just the barest of touches from you set electric shivers down my spine. And I'll never forget how looking you in the eye, your amazing blue eyes, made me feel more exposed and more secure then I've ever felt in my life. Its you I'll miss the most. I give you all my eternal gratitude, my deepest apologies, and all my love. Goodbye.
I'll miss you all so much. Maybe, someday, I'll have you all back in my life. But for now at least. Goodbye.
Alura - 12:27 AM
Sunday, November 27, 2005
[::..Sorry Mr. Best Friend..::]
Sorry Mr. Best Friend. Sorry for doing what my insticts naturally make me do. Sorry for not being able to suddenly open up like I'd like to. Sorry for thinking that maybe, you'd know me well enough by now to understand that the more I push you away, the more I need you. Sorry for trying to think of some way to voice my emotions so I dont do something stupid. Sorry I can't be exactly what you want me to be. I'm trying, but I'm failing. So forgive me if I give up.
So no more blogger, no more Xanga. Will that make you happy? Will it? Fine. No more of either. I'll just be the old me. The me that kept everything to herself and pretended to be happy. I'll be the falsely confident person you want me to be. There. Happy? You win.
So no more blogger, no more Xanga. Will that make you happy? Will it? Fine. No more of either. I'll just be the old me. The me that kept everything to herself and pretended to be happy. I'll be the falsely confident person you want me to be. There. Happy? You win.
Alura - 3:30 PM
Saturday, November 26, 2005
[::..I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect..::]
I'm relapsing. Not that its surprising. But I am. I walk into the house after work and the 1st thing my mother does is bitch me out. I'm not doing stuff well enough for her. Did she ever think that maybe I'm the child that has 5 clubs, an AP class, a job, fuck up freidns (no offense) and failing attempts at happiness and a social life. But no, that can't be why. Its just because I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough. Ever. Never have been. Never will be. AH!!!!!!!! I just wanna scream. Scream and cry. This is so infuriating. Its the same thing over and over; I start to feel better, get positive, start looking toward the future and then someone brings me down. God! It happens every mother fucking single time. I just wanna kill someone. Or myself. Doesn't matter to me. As the great Gred and Forge once said, "We're not picky where we stick this thing." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shaking right now to stay under control. My stomach is clinching, my breath heavying and my eyes filling with liquid. Why does this keep happening? Why? God!!! I'm just never good enough. Nothing I ever do will be good enough. Not for anyone.
- I'm sorry Mr(s). Teacher. I'm sorry I'm not working to my full potential. I hardly sleep at night and I cry myself to sleep most the time. Forgive me for not doing as well I could. I do what I can. Can't you be happy with that?
- I'm sorry Parents. I'm sorry that I didnt' wash that pot, or scrub that counter. I'm usually half asleep and have a migrane, Forgive me for wanting to go to bed and get at least 4 hrs of sleep. Oh God forbid.
- I'm sorry Miss Manager. I'm sorry that I didn't scrub the floors or clean the bread pans. I was trying to balance my delicate schedule and do some homework. Cause if I dont do my homework, I'll have to quit. Sorry for trying to maximize my time.
- I'm sorry Mr. Best Freind. I'm sorry I'm not the confident person you obviously want to be freinds with. But I'm falling apart at the seams here and forgive me for thinking that I would have a best freind to lean on, to help me instead of leaving me for another group, instead of telling me that our friendship will never be the same.
- I'm sorry Miss Former Best Freind. I'm sorry I can't deal with your shit and mine. I'm sorry for trying to tell you what I thought and give you advice such as getting a potential problem you have checked out.
- I'm sorry Mr. Or Miss Misc Other Friend. I'm sorry that I have problems and a fucking busy as hell life and can't always be there. I'm sorry for trying not to burden you with my problems as well and deal with them on my own.
- And last but not least I'm sorry world. I'm sorry for wasting the air that I've breathed, the food that I've eaten, the gas that I've burned and the space that I've taken. All for my meaningless useless life.
Sorry everyone. Sorry I can't be perfect.
Alura - 10:53 PM
Friday, November 25, 2005
[::..Another Problem?..::]
Ok, I think I have another problem. Not a huge one, but still a legitimate one. How am I supposed to act? I'm getting together with my freinds tomorrow. Yay! But How am I supposed to act? I dont know how to not but on my brave face. My act automaticaly goes up when I'm around people. I have no control over it. Because the Rhodes that isn't wearing the mask, isn't fun. That's the Rhodes that cries all the time and wants to die. No one wants to be around that Rhdoes. No one. So now I'm at a lost. I mean, the point of hanging as a group is so we can have fun, so that means I have to put on the act. Act is the wrong word for it really. Its not all an act. I mean, when I'm with my freinds I really am happy. I just numb everything else and focus on my friends, so its not false, its a real laugh and a real smile. It just doesnt reach the depths of my soul. So I guess to be honest, I should say I dont know how to dethaw myself around people. And I'm not sure I want to. I want to hang out and have fun. Its something I live for. So like I said, I have another problem. I cant just not freeze that part of me, I'd fall apart. I'd be no fun. *sigh* This is so annoying. So difficult. *double sigh* What to do? What to do....? And its not like I can change quickly either. I'd love to, but I can't. I mean, I've even been told by a two people in the last 24 hrs that our freindships will never be the same. What kind of an insintive is that? And before I can get better, I need to be open. There are so many more things that arent on either my Xanga or this. So many things I dont even feel comfortable writing, things that I never really solved from 5th grade. My insecurites with men, my feelings of never being good enough, Cinderella Syndrome, my feelings of neglect, my feelings of betrayal. All of these things and more are things that I'll need to talk about, confess before I'll ever really move on in life.
So my goal now, is to open up. Start talking about my problems. Talking, not typing. *triple sigh* I'm screwed. I have such a long road ahead of me. Its so tempting to quite. To just stop. So tempting to go grab the knife sitting on my counter. *qradruple sigh* But as a great and wise man once said, "...you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy..."
So my goal now, is to open up. Start talking about my problems. Talking, not typing. *triple sigh* I'm screwed. I have such a long road ahead of me. Its so tempting to quite. To just stop. So tempting to go grab the knife sitting on my counter. *qradruple sigh* But as a great and wise man once said, "...you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy..."
Alura - 11:40 AM
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
[::..I Figured It Out..::]
Confidence. Something I used to have in spades. But now it seems like is more or less gone. Not confidence in what I'm good at, or what I want to do with my life. But confidence in whether or not my life is worth living, thats the confidence I seem to be missing. And its ruining my freindship. So now that I know thats my problem I need to figure out when this "confidence" left. Well, it was there in 7th grade. And 8th as well. I was content then, happy and joyful. And for most of 9th grade I was happy too. The act began at the end of 9th grade. After the Fiasco. I'm not saying all of this is Matt's fault, even though that sounds like what I'm implying. Its no!!!!!! This is all my fault. Cause the reason I couldn't bounce back from was a) my parents were getting me down and b) I thought that I was losing my best friend too. And the combination of the two made me for the 1st time in ages, question myself. Made me question whether or not I was worhty of having friends. If no one wanted to date me, then why be my friend, why care? My old insecurities came back. And it was my fault (not yours Matthew), because I had become so used to everything going well, to everything being more or less the same, that I didn't know what to do. How to handle the change.
So I've figured it out. The thing thats missing, the things that off in my life. Change. Unfamiliarity. It seems like everything just keeps changing. Change is ok. But its been happening so violently, quickly and relentlessly latly that I haven't had a chance to get used to one change, before another happens and I'm lost again. So whats missing, is stability. One thing that I can be sure of no matter what. I just dont think I have anything like that anymore. Even Matt said he was pulling away from me. So what I need to do is find some stability. Something unchanging in this ever changing world. Easier said then done. But I'm trying to be optimistic. (Its strange for me). I need to be happy, thankful, that I've finally figure out the problem. I dont know how to solve it. But I'm making headway.
So I've figured it out. The thing thats missing, the things that off in my life. Change. Unfamiliarity. It seems like everything just keeps changing. Change is ok. But its been happening so violently, quickly and relentlessly latly that I haven't had a chance to get used to one change, before another happens and I'm lost again. So whats missing, is stability. One thing that I can be sure of no matter what. I just dont think I have anything like that anymore. Even Matt said he was pulling away from me. So what I need to do is find some stability. Something unchanging in this ever changing world. Easier said then done. But I'm trying to be optimistic. (Its strange for me). I need to be happy, thankful, that I've finally figure out the problem. I dont know how to solve it. But I'm making headway.
Alura - 7:14 PM
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
[::..Death..::]
Well, today was shitty. A student at school died over the weekend, so the mood today at school was bad. But it really made me think. Made me realize my own mortality. At one point during the day, at work, all I could think about was how I wish it had been me. Death. Such an elusive dream of mine. It wouldn't matter if I were dead anyway. A ton, I mean a ton of people were upset today, people that barely even knew her. I couldn't help but be somewhat happy during this whole thing, so have so many people love you, to have so many people moarn your death. If that announcement had been about me, the reaction would have been, "there's a student named Jessica Rhodes at this school?" No one, but my immediate friends would have cared. And only just barely too. It wouldn't have changed much. In fact it would have been for the better. God, I wish it had been me. I'm expendable, I haven't made a difference, made an impression upon peoples lives, not like Kathryn did. I've done nothing worthy of note. So why am I still here? Why did someone who so many people obviously cared about, get taken away, when I'm left here. What was the point?
But in my mussings, I also realized something else. A tiny part of me, a very obnoxious part, wants to live. Wants to keep going. It wants to keep living in hope that maybe one day I will be so loved that my death will matter. It wants to continue going on praying that someone cares. Just one person. I hate that part of me. But I love it too. God, I'm so confusing. I dont know what I want. What I feel. I dont know who I am. I'm angry all the time and I take it out on the people that I love like hanging up on Matt today. I dont know what I've become. I dont know where the front I put on ends and I begin. I want to die, yet I want to live on. I feel so angry, alone and sad, but still I smile and laugh with my peers. What's the real me? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? I need help. I can't do this anymore. I'm shaking, crying, I can barely type. I need a friend. My best freind. If he even wants to be anymore. I just dont know. I dont know anything. Please someone help me. I can't do it myself. I'm not strong enough. I'm weak, so very weak. Isn't there someway to make this end? Make it go away? Help me! I can't go on. What's my reason for living? I'm not sure anymore. I barely know my name. I wanna be happy, I really do. But I'm so alone. So tired. So afraid. I want to open up to someone, but I've taught myself for so long to keep it locked up, I'm not sure I know how. Typing this is one thing. Its like writing for me. I can express myself in written word. But I've trained so long to stop the words I really want to say, the emotions I really feel, from coming out, that I'm not sure I know how to. And so, I remain utterly alone. Isn't it ironic? I pushed people away so much so that they couldn't hurt me, that when I need them, I can't get the help I need cause I'm not used to being open with people. My defense mechanism is biting me in the ass. Everything is biting me in the ass. I know nothing. Not who I am, not who my friends are. Nothing.
Why wasn't it me, why!? My death would have caused so much less strife, so much less trouble. So why am I still here? Do that Fates hate me so much that they would ruin the lives of others, take away a child from thier parent, a freidns from their group, a student from their school, just to keep me living? So keep punishing me? But maybe I should be happy. That tiny part of me that wants to live should be at least. God, I dont make sense. I dont even know myself. How can I expect someone else to. How can I expect anyone to help me? To care.
I just wish.....
God! I dont know what I wish. I dont know anything.
But in my mussings, I also realized something else. A tiny part of me, a very obnoxious part, wants to live. Wants to keep going. It wants to keep living in hope that maybe one day I will be so loved that my death will matter. It wants to continue going on praying that someone cares. Just one person. I hate that part of me. But I love it too. God, I'm so confusing. I dont know what I want. What I feel. I dont know who I am. I'm angry all the time and I take it out on the people that I love like hanging up on Matt today. I dont know what I've become. I dont know where the front I put on ends and I begin. I want to die, yet I want to live on. I feel so angry, alone and sad, but still I smile and laugh with my peers. What's the real me? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? I need help. I can't do this anymore. I'm shaking, crying, I can barely type. I need a friend. My best freind. If he even wants to be anymore. I just dont know. I dont know anything. Please someone help me. I can't do it myself. I'm not strong enough. I'm weak, so very weak. Isn't there someway to make this end? Make it go away? Help me! I can't go on. What's my reason for living? I'm not sure anymore. I barely know my name. I wanna be happy, I really do. But I'm so alone. So tired. So afraid. I want to open up to someone, but I've taught myself for so long to keep it locked up, I'm not sure I know how. Typing this is one thing. Its like writing for me. I can express myself in written word. But I've trained so long to stop the words I really want to say, the emotions I really feel, from coming out, that I'm not sure I know how to. And so, I remain utterly alone. Isn't it ironic? I pushed people away so much so that they couldn't hurt me, that when I need them, I can't get the help I need cause I'm not used to being open with people. My defense mechanism is biting me in the ass. Everything is biting me in the ass. I know nothing. Not who I am, not who my friends are. Nothing.
Why wasn't it me, why!? My death would have caused so much less strife, so much less trouble. So why am I still here? Do that Fates hate me so much that they would ruin the lives of others, take away a child from thier parent, a freidns from their group, a student from their school, just to keep me living? So keep punishing me? But maybe I should be happy. That tiny part of me that wants to live should be at least. God, I dont make sense. I dont even know myself. How can I expect someone else to. How can I expect anyone to help me? To care.
I just wish.....
God! I dont know what I wish. I dont know anything.
Alura - 1:12 AM
Monday, November 21, 2005
[::..Burning Rubber and Bi-Polar Bitches..::]
Well, I feel as if I've been slapped in the face. Tracy, who said everything was fine at the Intervention, is now pissed at everyone. And talking about people like dogs. Well you know what, fuck her. I've given up. I have enough of my own fucked up problems to deal with to bother with her. AH!!!!!!!!!!! I swear, I almost killed her last night. I literally burned rubber speeding out of Sam's drive way. Damn you Emily, damn you and your shoes! She'd be dead right now if not for you, or at least hurt. *shakes with anger* What a back stabbing bitch. Then, she uses that fact that I'm trying to help against me. You see, Matt suggested trying to share Sammy. I said that I've been trying for 2 years to figure out a way to do that so that no one gets hurt, and it doesnt end well. It wasn't as the Cunt said, a cheap shot at Matt, but rather me using my personal experience to try and enlighten the group. And she tried to say that I wasn't open during the Intervention. Fuck you bitch! Forgive me if I would prefer to talk about my problems privatly with my best friend. My problems have nothing to do with the group, and therefore didn't need to be said during the Intervention. I plan to talk to Matt quite soon actually, but our schedules conflict like a mother. But I want to. Trust me I want to. Cause I'm tired of using this as a way to get out my emotions. I wanna talk to my friend. I wanna cry on his shoulder, and not this keyboard. I want to have him say a comforting word to me, instead of only hearing the click of the keys. Is that so hard for the Cunt to understand? Apparently. Ugh!!! I wanted to kill her. I really did. We also thought of egging her house, TPing it, ding dong ditching, and chucking cake at it. I can't believe her. Actually, yes I can. I just didn't want to. But whatever, I've offically given up, no more Tracy in my life. I wish her the best, but I dont wanna be part of it anymore.
Alura - 12:53 AM
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
[::..To Talk or Not to Talk? That is the Question...::]
So, I'm sure I would have updated more since that last time I did if I my internet wasn't working. Trust me, there were a few times where I thought I would just lose it if I didn't get on this thing to rant and cry. That past week has had some major lows, and a few semi-highs. The shineing moment... bitching The German out. It was great, but emotionally fucked up. I cried later and shit because to yell at him, brought back suppressed emotions. *sigh* Whatever. Fuck him.
But now, I have to make a decision. Do I want to try and add something about me to the agenda for Intervention 3.0? I mean, whats the point really? Interventions, how I see them, are for conflicts between group members, and for when a members actions/attitude has become unbearable. But you see, I'm very good at hiding my depression and sadness. (Too good sometimes.) So how doI justify bringing me up? I can't. I mean, I dont have grievnces with anyone in the group. My grievences are with the situation and state of my life. I mean, what good would it do to try and talk to Matt for example. I mean, if he wanted to spend more time with me, he would. So obviously, since he doesnt, nor does he try, he doesn't want to spend more time with me. I can't force him. I can't guilt him into it. That's not friendship. I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at the situation were in. I mean, its my fault really. I more or less forced him to ask me out without thinking of the consequenced, and then when it didn't work out, I wasn't able to move on. My fault, no one to blame but me. So how can I bring something up, disrupt the little peace we have, and bring up some emo shit that is all my fault to begin with. I mean, I can't blame him for wanted to be away from me. Hell! I wanna be away from me. *sigh* So as usual, my thoughts, my emotions, will be kept mostly to myself. No one will know. Just me and this Blogger. I wonder how long I'll last? Cause I'm barely hanging on. I'm losing it. And fast.
But now, I have to make a decision. Do I want to try and add something about me to the agenda for Intervention 3.0? I mean, whats the point really? Interventions, how I see them, are for conflicts between group members, and for when a members actions/attitude has become unbearable. But you see, I'm very good at hiding my depression and sadness. (Too good sometimes.) So how doI justify bringing me up? I can't. I mean, I dont have grievnces with anyone in the group. My grievences are with the situation and state of my life. I mean, what good would it do to try and talk to Matt for example. I mean, if he wanted to spend more time with me, he would. So obviously, since he doesnt, nor does he try, he doesn't want to spend more time with me. I can't force him. I can't guilt him into it. That's not friendship. I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at the situation were in. I mean, its my fault really. I more or less forced him to ask me out without thinking of the consequenced, and then when it didn't work out, I wasn't able to move on. My fault, no one to blame but me. So how can I bring something up, disrupt the little peace we have, and bring up some emo shit that is all my fault to begin with. I mean, I can't blame him for wanted to be away from me. Hell! I wanna be away from me. *sigh* So as usual, my thoughts, my emotions, will be kept mostly to myself. No one will know. Just me and this Blogger. I wonder how long I'll last? Cause I'm barely hanging on. I'm losing it. And fast.
Alura - 1:21 AM
Sunday, November 06, 2005
[::..Sword..::]
I Wish I had a sword. Or a Gun. Or something. I really wanna hurt something. Now! Just break it. Make it feel as much pain as I do. Cause even if people say they care, how can I believe them if they dont act like it? If they dont even try to be with me? I'm not a medium. I'm just simple old Jessica Rhodes. Nothing special. And obviouisly nothing to care about. I need a sword. Better yet, I need a happy life.
Alura - 12:48 PM
Saturday, November 05, 2005
[::..OW..::]
Ow. It hurts. Everything. Everything hurts. All of this pain, it just wont go away. Everytime I think it may stop, there it is again. With a vengence. And each times it kills a little more of me. Takes a way a little more of my resolve to keep going. Keep living. I can't keep doing this. Why am I? I mean, I hate my life. I have what I've been. I hate everything that's happened to me in the last few years. I just wanna go back. Why can't I? I wanna go back to junior high. I was so happy then. Genuinly happy. Not the false happy I put on when I'm around people, but really happy. I was care free. I liked living. I wanted to live. But not anymore. I just can't stand it. Everyone I care about is slowly leaving me. Whether they mean to or not, or even whether they know it or not, they are. Slowly, but surely, they leaving me. I feel it. The distance bewteen my friends and I. I feel so utterly alone. Unloved. I dont wanna do this anymore. I dont wanna live anymore. What is there for me? Nothing. Why would there be? Its just me. Just Jessica Rhodes. I feel so useless. Its like all I can eve do is cry. I can't even say I'm good at keeping myself under control anymore. I've lost that. The one thing, the only thing I was good at. Pretending the pain didn't exist. Now its consuming me. And I'm loosing. I can't win this. I'm not strong enough. Hell, I can't even ask for help. It wont matter. Why disrupt the lives of those I care about, just to get them to help me in a loosing battle? Why do I keep going? There's no point. I should have just done it. I should have just killed myself way back then in 5th grade. That day I had the razor blades in my hands, I should have done it. God, I remember that day vividly. I was sitting in my room, with a bunch of large paper bag beneath me, my note on my desk and the razor blade held veritcally to my wrist so I'd hit more of the vein. I can remember what I was wearing too. A black shirt with little flowers wround the collar, and a pair of dark blue jeans. I had put the bags there so their wouldn't be much to clean, and I had cleaned my house from top to bottom to save my parents the trouble. I mean, even if they didn't love me, I still cared for them, and I wanted to make their lives easier. And do you know what stopped me? Why I didn't just slice and be done? The phone rang. My mother of course. She wanted me to wash a load of clothes. The one thing I hadn't cleaned. I had left a bunch of clothes in the basement. And so, being the desperate person I was, being the person that always did anything she could hoping to get a little bit of praise, I stopped what I had planned to go down there and put a load of clothes in the washer. Isn't that sad? Then, the German came home. He usually didn't come home early, but for once he did. Just my luck right? I can't even kill myself because fate was still conspiring against me. lol That's almost funny. Like one of those times where you either cry of laugh. But then again, I'm already crying so what does it matter. I was so good at hiding things back then. They never knew I was depressed, never knew I was suicidal. Still dont know even. I hid everything so well. And then, I started junior high. And the strangest thing happened. I made friends. And it was a rough year, my 6th grade year. I mean, I had spent so long pushing people away so they couldnt hurt me, that I had to re-learn social skills. But I did and my 7th and 8th grade years were so happy. I made great friends, had a ton of fun. The *Nsync dance, goofing off, meeting Matt, Tracy, Shaffer. I was happy to be alive. Almost glad, that I didn't kill myself. And then high school started and it all went back down hill. I tried dating and we all know how that turned out. I was so miserable. The two weeks after that break up were some of the worst of my life. I spent those weeks doing nothing but crying. I hardly eat. And when I did, I ate chocolate. I think in that two week time period, I only ate one full meal. I barelly slept. I stayed up and cried, and usually around 2 am I cry myself to sleep. Only to wake up in an hour crying again. And do you know why I had that reaction? It was just that I was dumped, but because it was my best freind that did it. I thought I had lost my best friend. I didn't think we'd be able to go back to being freinds. I felt so alone and I had no one to talk to. I mean who was I supposed to go to? The best friend that had just dumped me? God, I felt so alone then. And the break up wasn't the only reason. My parents were arguing non-stop then too. By the end of my freshman year they were going to get divorced. But they decided to stay together and Matt and I somehow managed to stay freinds. So my more or less numb 10th year started. All that really happened then was a year long denial of my feelings. I pretended not to care that I hardely saw Matt, I pretened not to care that I was miserable and that my again arging parents were getting to me. I drowned myself in fan fics, and video games. It was like my 5th grade year again. Except relying on anime, I relied on fics and games. Seeing a fic update was one of the few things that put a true smile on my face. I was beginning to loose my will to live. I knew what was coming next, I felt it coming, much as I tried to ignore it. Tried to pretend I didn't care. What was coming you ask? This. Depression. Sadness. Loneliness. Pain. Tears. Sucidal thoughts. They're back and they're making up for lost time. I dont wanna do this anymore. I can't. I'm barely hanging on. I can hardly keep my pain hidden at school, its that strong. I just wanna die? My life isn't worh this much pain? It's not worth much of anything. Not anymore. I've lost everything. Slowly but surely, I'm loosing it all. I dont even know if I'll be able to last till winer break at this level. I'm using all the strength I have, but I'm running out. I barely have anything to hang on to anymore. The only way I'm holding now is by turning my emotions into anger. I can handle that better then anything. But I'm gonna snap. I'm gonna loose it. So why not end it? Why not? What's stopping me? Why should I keep going?
Alura - 3:51 PM
Friday, November 04, 2005
[::..Looking Better?..::]
Well, last night I talked to Matt. He told me he didn't have the link to this, so I update this really emo thing and then he quotes it. I was kinda pissed that he lied to me but whatever, thats not the point. He read my update and more or less started yelling at me for what I said. He said some really nice things, they made me cry. But not necessarily bad tears. Heres some stuff he said:
genopenoleno: you know why I shrug important things you say to me off?
genopenoleno: because they are important to me too, run away from you??? never in a million years, you're too much to me even when it doesn't seem like it
jr4q9: and as i've said before, i tell u things for ur own good
genopenoleno: me leaving wouldn't be for my own good
jr4q9: how not? then u can spend ur time with ppl that actually have things in comon with u. jr4q9: really matt, what do we ahve in comon?
genopenoleno: IN COMMON-i haven't changed as a person because of them, i havn't learned how to grow as a friend because of them, and most importantly, i haven't learned to love because of them, so trust me, they aren't like my idols, at all.........
jr4q9: matthew, its not like i want this cause not having u in my life, would kill me. but really, matt, all i am to u is a drag. i'm constantly emo, i'm rude, i insult u non-stop. need me to go on? genopenoleno: you are way to hard on yourself
genopenoleno: and i can SOOOOOO win at this game
genopenoleno: i'm selfish
genopenoleno: i'm ignorant
genopenoleno: i'm obnoxious
genopenoleno: i'm never there
genopenoleno: i'm a bad friend
genopenoleno: i am worse than rude
genopenoleno: i'm horrible
genopenoleno: so there
jr4q9: u win? i think not! i'm emo, i'm depressed, i argue all the time. i never let anyone have a say in anything. i have to be right all the time. i'm pushy. and i'm easily jealous
jr4q9: i loose my temper quickly
genopenoleno: I"M SO worse
jr4q9: my moods change suddenly
genopenoleno: don't go there
Wasn't that sweet? Then later he says some bogus thing that shocked me into speechlessness for almost two minutes. I just stared at my monitor. He said:
genopenoleno: you aren't like that
genopenoleno: hell you would never even let me kiss you
All I can say is, what the fuck!? What relationship was he in!?!?! Certainly not the same one that I was in. I never let him kiss me? He never tried! And trust me, and attempt would have been more then welcomed. *shakes head* As Sam said, no wonder we didn't work out, we were obviously in two very different relationships. *sigh*
Anyway, The point I was trying to get at is that I'm feeling a little better. I've never before voiced my fear that I should leave my friends and its comforting to know that at least Matt doesn't want it to happen. Though give me two days and I'll be back to my normal emo self. *sigh*
genopenoleno: you know why I shrug important things you say to me off?
genopenoleno: because they are important to me too, run away from you??? never in a million years, you're too much to me even when it doesn't seem like it
jr4q9: and as i've said before, i tell u things for ur own good
genopenoleno: me leaving wouldn't be for my own good
jr4q9: how not? then u can spend ur time with ppl that actually have things in comon with u. jr4q9: really matt, what do we ahve in comon?
genopenoleno: IN COMMON-i haven't changed as a person because of them, i havn't learned how to grow as a friend because of them, and most importantly, i haven't learned to love because of them, so trust me, they aren't like my idols, at all.........
jr4q9: matthew, its not like i want this cause not having u in my life, would kill me. but really, matt, all i am to u is a drag. i'm constantly emo, i'm rude, i insult u non-stop. need me to go on? genopenoleno: you are way to hard on yourself
genopenoleno: and i can SOOOOOO win at this game
genopenoleno: i'm selfish
genopenoleno: i'm ignorant
genopenoleno: i'm obnoxious
genopenoleno: i'm never there
genopenoleno: i'm a bad friend
genopenoleno: i am worse than rude
genopenoleno: i'm horrible
genopenoleno: so there
jr4q9: u win? i think not! i'm emo, i'm depressed, i argue all the time. i never let anyone have a say in anything. i have to be right all the time. i'm pushy. and i'm easily jealous
jr4q9: i loose my temper quickly
genopenoleno: I"M SO worse
jr4q9: my moods change suddenly
genopenoleno: don't go there
Wasn't that sweet? Then later he says some bogus thing that shocked me into speechlessness for almost two minutes. I just stared at my monitor. He said:
genopenoleno: you aren't like that
genopenoleno: hell you would never even let me kiss you
All I can say is, what the fuck!? What relationship was he in!?!?! Certainly not the same one that I was in. I never let him kiss me? He never tried! And trust me, and attempt would have been more then welcomed. *shakes head* As Sam said, no wonder we didn't work out, we were obviously in two very different relationships. *sigh*
Anyway, The point I was trying to get at is that I'm feeling a little better. I've never before voiced my fear that I should leave my friends and its comforting to know that at least Matt doesn't want it to happen. Though give me two days and I'll be back to my normal emo self. *sigh*
Alura - 12:30 AM
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
[::..Not A Good Way To Start The Day..::]
I woke up depressed. I just felt bad, alone and unloved. All I did when I got to school was sit and stare at a spot on the wall hoping the pain would go away. It didn't. Even when my friends were sitting there I felt it. Actually, it felt worse then. I felt like I was surrounded by people, but not a damn soul cared. Not one. It got to the point that after Sam, Tracy and Matt ran off to do something really quickly, I just left. I felt overwhelmed by my loneliness and I just needed to get away. I went to the Techie Table. I'm thinking of sitting there from now on. At least there, I know no one cares and they aren't supposed to. They are the ones that are my good freinds. But with everyone else, ugh! I guess on a logical level I know that they care, but it just doesn't feel like it sometimes. It feels like they use me to either complain to, or get a good laugh from. Or they feel as if they can't stop being my freind because theres a history there. God, I feel like a drag on everyone. I should just leave them. That's the right thing to do right? Its better for them in the long run to be away from me. I told Matt to run away from me before it was too late. I think he thought I was joking. *sigh* I dont wanna leave them all. But I can't think of anything else. What else will help prevent me from dragging them all down into my depression with me? All I feel, all the time, is a great rage inside myself. I just wanna hurt someone, to scream, to shout, to break something and have someone care. I'm afraid I'll blow and I dont wanna hurt them. I care about them too much to do that. Oh God, what am I gonna do. I can't live without them. But for the betterment of them all, I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to leave.
Alura - 11:37 PM
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
[::..1st Post..::]
Well, this is my 1st post. I can't say how often I'll update this seeing as how I plan only to use this as a rant and for my emo-ness. (though with me that can be alot) Thing is, I can't use my Xanga b/c everyone knows about that. No one (or very few) will know about this.
Currently:
Depressed and hiding it well. I'm in love with my best friend (whos also my ex-boyfriend) who has admitted to having some feelings for me, but not enough to make a difference. I can respect that, but it doesn't instantly make me over him. And hes has other freinds other then our group of friends that he spend a lot of time with and half the time I'm afraid that he'll realize I'm not worthy of being his friend and that the FCC (Freaky Chorus Cult. I made up the name) can offer him so much more. With them he doesnt have to worry about "leading me on." And they share a lot more things in common with him then I do. I just know that one day my inability to move on will cause him to give up on me and finally go with the FCC. Any logical person would. And recently, I've barely even seen him. At least we used to sit together in the morning but now he wont sit with us because Marina body slammed him into a locker. Thanks a lot Marina! (not that I'm mad at her of him, its more that I'm mad at the situation of him being with the FCC more then me, even though I cant dominate his time. I just miss him. Is that so bad?)
My parents (my mom and step-dad that is the only dad I've ever really known) are getting a divorce. I still care about The German (my soon to me ex-stop-dad) but he cheated on my mom and hes a bipolar asshole. Now my mom has a new boyfreind, Troy. I like Troy and all and he makes my mom happy, but still, its a lot to get used to.
My mother is nuts. One second shes yelling as me the next shes like "Guess what Doug said at work today." She cant make up her mind. My old 5th grade fears of my mother not loving me are coming back. (I was depressed and suidical in 5th grade). She drives me nuts. She expects too much. I'm sorry mother, if I decide not to wash a pot before bed because I got off work at 10, did homework till 1 and decided that I wanted to get the foreign thing called "sleep." I'm sorry I forgot to tell you were out of dishwashing stuff. Is that a reason to not let me go to a party that I had been looking forward to for over a month? A party that was gonna be my only social time because I spend all my time at work or doing homework?
My friends are crazy. Dont get me wrong, I love them I do. (In the non-freaky sexual sorta way. well, except for one..... lol) But they are psyco!! Nuts! Mad! Out of thier minds! One second were all good friends. Then we find out the one secret hates another and no one talks for a while. I mean God! All we do is ignore the problem for the most part and pretend it isn't happening. Even when we have an Intervention. (what we call our group talks)
And to add insult to injury, my job sucks. I work at Subway for minimum wage and a really annoying boss. It sucks up all my time and I don't get home till after 10 most nights. Then I have a shit load of homework to do so I'm up till at least 1 am trying to do it all. So my average amount of sleep is 4 1/2 hours. Not much.
So I dont sleep, I'm stressed and I usually dont eat well or at all. I constantly have a pounding headache, I can't see straight have the time, and I black out for a few minutes at a time everyonce in a while. My mother is crazy and semi-bipolar, my soon to be ex-step-dad is constantly at the back of my mind, and my siblings drive me up a wall. My freinds are stressful and nuts, and I'm madly in love with my best freind to the point that sometimes when sittine next to him I get naughty mental images of things I'd like to do to hime and or have him do to me. (Yes i'm a perv!) And this is all despite the fact that a) he doesnt want me, b) its been over a year and a half, and c) I've tried very, very hard to move on. I'm currently starting to consider myself to be between best freinds. (Between Matt and the next one, that is.) And I'm lonely and feel unloved and used by everyone. Everyone wants something, but no one bothers to see if its convenient for me. No one ever seems to care.
So hello and welcome to my life. This is just the tip of the iceburg. Theres still my occasional suicidal thoughts, crying myself to sleep most nights, my past history with depression, my biological father (all he really did was give some sperm) and intense inner rage to talk about. But I dont wanna give you too much to deal with right off the bat.
Hope this makes you appriceiate your life more.
Currently:
Depressed and hiding it well. I'm in love with my best friend (whos also my ex-boyfriend) who has admitted to having some feelings for me, but not enough to make a difference. I can respect that, but it doesn't instantly make me over him. And hes has other freinds other then our group of friends that he spend a lot of time with and half the time I'm afraid that he'll realize I'm not worthy of being his friend and that the FCC (Freaky Chorus Cult. I made up the name) can offer him so much more. With them he doesnt have to worry about "leading me on." And they share a lot more things in common with him then I do. I just know that one day my inability to move on will cause him to give up on me and finally go with the FCC. Any logical person would. And recently, I've barely even seen him. At least we used to sit together in the morning but now he wont sit with us because Marina body slammed him into a locker. Thanks a lot Marina! (not that I'm mad at her of him, its more that I'm mad at the situation of him being with the FCC more then me, even though I cant dominate his time. I just miss him. Is that so bad?)
My parents (my mom and step-dad that is the only dad I've ever really known) are getting a divorce. I still care about The German (my soon to me ex-stop-dad) but he cheated on my mom and hes a bipolar asshole. Now my mom has a new boyfreind, Troy. I like Troy and all and he makes my mom happy, but still, its a lot to get used to.
My mother is nuts. One second shes yelling as me the next shes like "Guess what Doug said at work today." She cant make up her mind. My old 5th grade fears of my mother not loving me are coming back. (I was depressed and suidical in 5th grade). She drives me nuts. She expects too much. I'm sorry mother, if I decide not to wash a pot before bed because I got off work at 10, did homework till 1 and decided that I wanted to get the foreign thing called "sleep." I'm sorry I forgot to tell you were out of dishwashing stuff. Is that a reason to not let me go to a party that I had been looking forward to for over a month? A party that was gonna be my only social time because I spend all my time at work or doing homework?
My friends are crazy. Dont get me wrong, I love them I do. (In the non-freaky sexual sorta way. well, except for one..... lol) But they are psyco!! Nuts! Mad! Out of thier minds! One second were all good friends. Then we find out the one secret hates another and no one talks for a while. I mean God! All we do is ignore the problem for the most part and pretend it isn't happening. Even when we have an Intervention. (what we call our group talks)
And to add insult to injury, my job sucks. I work at Subway for minimum wage and a really annoying boss. It sucks up all my time and I don't get home till after 10 most nights. Then I have a shit load of homework to do so I'm up till at least 1 am trying to do it all. So my average amount of sleep is 4 1/2 hours. Not much.
So I dont sleep, I'm stressed and I usually dont eat well or at all. I constantly have a pounding headache, I can't see straight have the time, and I black out for a few minutes at a time everyonce in a while. My mother is crazy and semi-bipolar, my soon to be ex-step-dad is constantly at the back of my mind, and my siblings drive me up a wall. My freinds are stressful and nuts, and I'm madly in love with my best freind to the point that sometimes when sittine next to him I get naughty mental images of things I'd like to do to hime and or have him do to me. (Yes i'm a perv!) And this is all despite the fact that a) he doesnt want me, b) its been over a year and a half, and c) I've tried very, very hard to move on. I'm currently starting to consider myself to be between best freinds. (Between Matt and the next one, that is.) And I'm lonely and feel unloved and used by everyone. Everyone wants something, but no one bothers to see if its convenient for me. No one ever seems to care.
So hello and welcome to my life. This is just the tip of the iceburg. Theres still my occasional suicidal thoughts, crying myself to sleep most nights, my past history with depression, my biological father (all he really did was give some sperm) and intense inner rage to talk about. But I dont wanna give you too much to deal with right off the bat.
Hope this makes you appriceiate your life more.
Alura - 11:20 PM