[::..Bloody Insane..::]
I'm so crazy. I'm happy, yet sad. Surrounded by my friends, yet miserable alone. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont make any sense.
Why cant I just be happy?
Why cant I just be normal?
Why cant I have my someone?
Why is it always me?
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
---Linkin Park, Easier to Run, Meteora
Why cant I just be happy?
Why cant I just be normal?
Why cant I have my someone?
Why is it always me?
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
---Linkin Park, Easier to Run, Meteora
Alura - 11:45 PM
Sunday, August 13, 2006
[::..EA and (of course) MD..::]
EA, the slang Marina has said to me online before meaning "easily amused." Lets try my definition of EA. Easily Annoyed!!
Latley thats been me. At any given second, you can do or say something to me and I'll find it to be the most annoying fucking thing in the world. Then *bam* instant bad mood for Rhodes. I know people have noticed it, mostly the people I get annoyed with.
Not that I tell them that I'm annoyed with them. I've become very non-confrontational. After junior year I dont wanna say anything that can set off a fight. And yes, I know that by not saying anything I can also start drama but whoever said I made sense? Its a double edged sword. Really it is.
Like Friday night.Brit called to see if I could pick her up from Central before going to the movies. I got annoyed. Why me? Why the fuck was she going to Central if she didnt have a car? Shouldnt she have been more responsible? Or perhaps have even called me earlier? Should she have given me warning so that I would have planned my time differently so that we wouldnt have been almost late? It just pissed me off! I felt like I was being used. Like "oh Rhodes wont mind, she never does." Well guess what? She does!!! Rhodes is not a fucking livery driver like her Nazi ex-step-dad used to be ok? She is not willing to drive you every-the-fuck-where!
Granted, that stemmed from Emily using me like a free ride all the damn time. Even when my car was jacked up, she expected me to give her a ride. Well Emily, maybe you shouldnt have gotten a job it you couldnt get there. Or is that too logical? And then, to add insult to injury, when she gets to the job, she slacks off and takes her sweet time to do shit. Then complains about how late it is! Guess what? If you didnt sit on your ass, or take forever and a damn day, we'd get out earlier. She takes advantage of the fact that were friends and that I'll back her up at work. And I have, many times. I cant count on one hand the number of times that I've covered for her at work with MJ. I could have had her fired her 1st week and just about any time after that. I could get her fired now if I wanted. Or at least in enough trouble that she'd be close to fired. But no, I try to be a good friend and help her keep her job. And what do I get out of it? Oh! Half of her work and a fucking migraine. I hold her job in my hands and she doesnt seem to care.
And the cherry on this mothing fucking wonderful cake? I havent told either of them these things. The whole newly non-confrontational thing. Damn that! It also got to with the fact that anyone that I dont feel as if I shared a mental and emotional connection to, I get easily annoyed with. At least thats how it is as of late.
I dont get annoyed with Marina or Sam even though I spend large amounts of time with them, but sometimes all I have to do is see Emily's screenname and I'm annoyed. Emily and I arent very good friends. I couldnt just sit and talk to Emily. All we'd talk about is anime and that gets old after a while. I like to be able to talk about anything and everything. Not be confined to one general topic of discussion. With Emily and recently Brittany, I feel as if there's only one or two things to talk about. And thus, I get further annoyed. I cant consider you a true friend if I dont feel as if I can talk to you, and thuse I get annoyed that I'm doing all this shit for a person that I'm not close to.
Make sense? I hope so. It prolly doesnt though.
And of course theres the MD problem. As always. I still dont know about that boy. I havent seen him in ages, and I'm not completely nuts, but I do miss him. I havent talked to him in so long!! I truly miss our hour long conversations with a wide range of topics flowing gently and smoothly between items of interest. I love them! I live for them! And I havent had one in God knows how long.
I'm thinking of asking him out again when he comes back. He doesnt have as much "going on right now" so maybe I'll get a straight answer. I really wanna know how he feels. I hate not having answers and its killing me slowly. And we get along so well, theres a good chance that me asking him that wont make him stop talking to me. Its never been very awkward before so why now?
So maybe I have hope. Maybe. Though I dont wanna get my hopes us too high.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
I recognize the way you make me feel
It's hard to think that
You might not be real
I sense it now, the water's getting deep
I try to wash the pain away from me
Away from me
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe I'm not alone
I'm not alone
---Michelle Branch, Everywhere, The Spirit Room
Latley thats been me. At any given second, you can do or say something to me and I'll find it to be the most annoying fucking thing in the world. Then *bam* instant bad mood for Rhodes. I know people have noticed it, mostly the people I get annoyed with.
Not that I tell them that I'm annoyed with them. I've become very non-confrontational. After junior year I dont wanna say anything that can set off a fight. And yes, I know that by not saying anything I can also start drama but whoever said I made sense? Its a double edged sword. Really it is.
Like Friday night.Brit called to see if I could pick her up from Central before going to the movies. I got annoyed. Why me? Why the fuck was she going to Central if she didnt have a car? Shouldnt she have been more responsible? Or perhaps have even called me earlier? Should she have given me warning so that I would have planned my time differently so that we wouldnt have been almost late? It just pissed me off! I felt like I was being used. Like "oh Rhodes wont mind, she never does." Well guess what? She does!!! Rhodes is not a fucking livery driver like her Nazi ex-step-dad used to be ok? She is not willing to drive you every-the-fuck-where!
Granted, that stemmed from Emily using me like a free ride all the damn time. Even when my car was jacked up, she expected me to give her a ride. Well Emily, maybe you shouldnt have gotten a job it you couldnt get there. Or is that too logical? And then, to add insult to injury, when she gets to the job, she slacks off and takes her sweet time to do shit. Then complains about how late it is! Guess what? If you didnt sit on your ass, or take forever and a damn day, we'd get out earlier. She takes advantage of the fact that were friends and that I'll back her up at work. And I have, many times. I cant count on one hand the number of times that I've covered for her at work with MJ. I could have had her fired her 1st week and just about any time after that. I could get her fired now if I wanted. Or at least in enough trouble that she'd be close to fired. But no, I try to be a good friend and help her keep her job. And what do I get out of it? Oh! Half of her work and a fucking migraine. I hold her job in my hands and she doesnt seem to care.
And the cherry on this mothing fucking wonderful cake? I havent told either of them these things. The whole newly non-confrontational thing. Damn that! It also got to with the fact that anyone that I dont feel as if I shared a mental and emotional connection to, I get easily annoyed with. At least thats how it is as of late.
I dont get annoyed with Marina or Sam even though I spend large amounts of time with them, but sometimes all I have to do is see Emily's screenname and I'm annoyed. Emily and I arent very good friends. I couldnt just sit and talk to Emily. All we'd talk about is anime and that gets old after a while. I like to be able to talk about anything and everything. Not be confined to one general topic of discussion. With Emily and recently Brittany, I feel as if there's only one or two things to talk about. And thus, I get further annoyed. I cant consider you a true friend if I dont feel as if I can talk to you, and thuse I get annoyed that I'm doing all this shit for a person that I'm not close to.
Make sense? I hope so. It prolly doesnt though.
And of course theres the MD problem. As always. I still dont know about that boy. I havent seen him in ages, and I'm not completely nuts, but I do miss him. I havent talked to him in so long!! I truly miss our hour long conversations with a wide range of topics flowing gently and smoothly between items of interest. I love them! I live for them! And I havent had one in God knows how long.
I'm thinking of asking him out again when he comes back. He doesnt have as much "going on right now" so maybe I'll get a straight answer. I really wanna know how he feels. I hate not having answers and its killing me slowly. And we get along so well, theres a good chance that me asking him that wont make him stop talking to me. Its never been very awkward before so why now?
So maybe I have hope. Maybe. Though I dont wanna get my hopes us too high.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
I recognize the way you make me feel
It's hard to think that
You might not be real
I sense it now, the water's getting deep
I try to wash the pain away from me
Away from me
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe I'm not alone
I'm not alone
---Michelle Branch, Everywhere, The Spirit Room
Alura - 6:03 PM
Friday, August 04, 2006
[::..The Open Door..::]
This is so insane. I'm so fucking nuts. I swear it! I really need to go get some help or something. Is it bad that I'm insanly jealous of two of my most close friends right now? Gar!!!! Its insane.
Apparently they got into a fight last night. But now their fine. My brain cant understand that concept. Its like "wait, fight means you arent talking and shit, not that you just tell each other whats annoying you and then are all batter. What the fuck?" Yeah thats what my mind is saying right now. I just dont get it. Cant get it. Gar!!!!!!!!!!!!
*punches wall* Ok, not really, but I wish I could. Cause this feeling of jealousy around then is getting on my nerves! Its like whenever I see them together I'm reminded of the great friendship they have. The kind I've never had, the kind I should have had with Neylon but was cheated out of. Its so frustrating! I cant stand being jealous of these two, but I cant help it!!!!!
Damn it all. This isnt fair. I feel so alone at times. Its just not right. Not logical. But I cant help it. Is it so wrong that I want to have someone I can go to when I'm sad? Someone I can tell anything to? Someone I know will help me when I'm down? Someone I could have gone to when my grandfather died instead of just keeping it all to myself? Is that really so wrong? So selfish? So why cant I have that? This is so.....
FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!
And definatly not fair at all. *sigh* None of this makes sense. I mean, I'm surrounded by people half the time, yet still miserable. Why cant I just be normal!!!!!!!!!!??????? I hate myself sometimes. I really do. There are only two people in my life that I can see myself being able to get that close to, but I cant get that close to either of them.
Person one is one of the previously mentioned two. And if I tried to get too close to her I'd feel like I was coming in the middle of her and her best friend and then I'd feel like a bitch. I consider what they have almost sacred. Do I look like I wanna get in the middle of that and create more drama?
Person two is the guy I like. I can talk to him freely about anything and I have told him some things before. But how odd would it be for me to try and get close to him? I mean, to him I'm prolly just that high school, wanna be asian girl he works with at Subway. I cant expect him to suddenly be there for me considering all feelings between us are onesided. On my side.
I hate this, I really do.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
If you loved me
You would be here with me
---Evanescence, Call Me When You're Sober, The Open Door
Apparently they got into a fight last night. But now their fine. My brain cant understand that concept. Its like "wait, fight means you arent talking and shit, not that you just tell each other whats annoying you and then are all batter. What the fuck?" Yeah thats what my mind is saying right now. I just dont get it. Cant get it. Gar!!!!!!!!!!!!
*punches wall* Ok, not really, but I wish I could. Cause this feeling of jealousy around then is getting on my nerves! Its like whenever I see them together I'm reminded of the great friendship they have. The kind I've never had, the kind I should have had with Neylon but was cheated out of. Its so frustrating! I cant stand being jealous of these two, but I cant help it!!!!!
Damn it all. This isnt fair. I feel so alone at times. Its just not right. Not logical. But I cant help it. Is it so wrong that I want to have someone I can go to when I'm sad? Someone I can tell anything to? Someone I know will help me when I'm down? Someone I could have gone to when my grandfather died instead of just keeping it all to myself? Is that really so wrong? So selfish? So why cant I have that? This is so.....
FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!
And definatly not fair at all. *sigh* None of this makes sense. I mean, I'm surrounded by people half the time, yet still miserable. Why cant I just be normal!!!!!!!!!!??????? I hate myself sometimes. I really do. There are only two people in my life that I can see myself being able to get that close to, but I cant get that close to either of them.
Person one is one of the previously mentioned two. And if I tried to get too close to her I'd feel like I was coming in the middle of her and her best friend and then I'd feel like a bitch. I consider what they have almost sacred. Do I look like I wanna get in the middle of that and create more drama?
Person two is the guy I like. I can talk to him freely about anything and I have told him some things before. But how odd would it be for me to try and get close to him? I mean, to him I'm prolly just that high school, wanna be asian girl he works with at Subway. I cant expect him to suddenly be there for me considering all feelings between us are onesided. On my side.
I hate this, I really do.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
If you loved me
You would be here with me
---Evanescence, Call Me When You're Sober, The Open Door
Alura - 2:31 PM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
[::..That's Nice.....::]
I had a bit of a breakdown again today. Nothing new. Just the usual crying alone is my room thing. And while I was doing that I realized something. I've managed to perfectly fuck myself over for life. Yup! ^_^ I've made it so I'm incapable of truely getting close to anyone and getting and real help. Which means that one day I'll just snap and do something drastic because of all the pressure I put on myself. I mean, its a lot to handle, my fucked up mental state is. I think that longest I'll last is mid-twenties. About 25 or 26. 30 with divine intervention. Past 30 would be demonic intervention cause teh devil wants to see me suffer. I think the earliest I'd off myself (nice way of putting it right?) is college. Like my junior or senior year. So I say that between the ages of 20-26 I'll commit suicide. Nice thought right? And now your left to wonder just how serious I am.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
---Evanescence, Understanding, Origin
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
---Evanescence, Understanding, Origin
Alura - 4:18 AM