[::..Never Ending..::]
Sometimes I think that my pain, my struggles will never go away.
My past sneaks up on me.
I find my self wanting to hug someone I know could use it and I don’t. Not because I don’t care but because I don’t know how to hug someone. I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t touch people. I know logically, that my past doesn’t make that so, but I can’t help it. Its so degrading, so dirty, so…. Unnatural. I’m just so sick of dealing with things on my own. But I don’t know how to tell anyone. I mean yeah, I’m close to Shaffer and Tracy. Closer then I thought I could be. But I just don’t know how to get over my past. Thank you Ashley Pulley, you successfully ruined me for life. I’ll never be the same, I’ll never be what I could be, have what I could have, go where I could go. Cause you marked me, made me different. Cut me off from others. I’ll never be able to have a real relationship cause I’ll always be in fear of touch, in fear of my heart, in fear of what I am.
My future looms before me.
Selfish as it may sound, I feel like I have the ability to do great. Like, I have what it takes to make a difference in this world. Like a new age Gandhi or King or something. It’s horribly self absorbed but I really think I can. I have this urge to change the world for the better, but I don’t know how. I’m only 18 and I feel like I’ve already wasted my life. I mean, I’m graduating soon and I don’t feel like anyone at that school will me miss. It won’t be years from now that people will remember the name “Jessica Rhodes” like they will Christina Sun, Dave Simnick, etc. I’m a no body at that school, just a number. The potential I think I have is wasted away making sandwiches for people I cant stand, and sets with people that I often find my self wanting to hit. I fear that I’ll never be more then mediocre. My writing is all I think I have and really, what good is that? My friends don’t even recognize me for that. I doubt they’ve even read the vast majority of my stuff. And by writing I don’t mean this damn Blog or fucking fan fics. I don’t pore my heart and effort into them. No I mean my poetry and occasionally lyrics. Those are my soul, my spirit, my heart and my life. Could anyone I know please recognize my accomplishments?
My true self lies elsewhere.
I don’t feel like I belong. I really don’t. Growing up bi-racial/bi-cultural or whatever may be the cause. But I don’t feel like I belong. At home I’m the odd ball. Strange rock tastes, coupled with intense liberalism drizzled with an unnatural obsession with anyone asian/Japanese. At school, yeah I may look like I fit in. But most of the time, I just can’t stand to be around you guys. There’s a piece missing. I thought that you guys getting more into anime was a good thing but no. In the end I’ve lost all originality. I can’t wait to be the odd ball, Asian obsessed one the group next year. But still that won’t solve the problem. The only time I feel truly whole is when I’m doing something Asian. Reading books on Japanese history and the art of war feels me with a sense of completeness. Like that’s what I was meant for. Maybe my past life was a samurai, I dunno. But this world isn’t what I belong in. This “American” culture has no virtue, to rules, nothing. It values money and winning above honor, pride and duty. And there can be no lasting society without those three. Oh, you say that American has been around for a while? Japan has been around almost as long as China and its culture is still based on hard work, honor and duty. And they’re doing just fine despite things such as, loosing WWII. I bet America couldn’t last that shit.
My compassion cowers in fear.
I’m an extremely caring person. I know you all find that hard to believe, but its true. I care so much that I pretend not to care, just to save my sanity. I want to help everyone, solve everyone else’s problems before my own. Again, sounds like I have an ego, but its true. I don’t like to cause anyone trouble. That’s part of the reason I don’t talk to others about my troubles, I don’t want to cause drama. That’s the reason I usually don’t confront people, I don’t wanna cause drama. I just want others to be happy, successfully and peacefully. My life is the life that is meant for pain and hell. And I accept that on the terms that others around me are happy. So as I watch him suffer. I can’t help but feel like I’m not doing my job. Am I not suffering enough for him to be happy? Am I not caring enough to help him through this? How do I show him I care more then I did? Did I miss my chance to help the other day when he came by work? I just want those around me happy, but especially him.
My life is a drop.
I’m a drop of rain. Not enough to be called a storm on its own. Just part of the storm, part of the cycle, nothing special what so ever.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
And I just wished that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
---Linkin Park, My December, Hybrid Theory
My past sneaks up on me.
I find my self wanting to hug someone I know could use it and I don’t. Not because I don’t care but because I don’t know how to hug someone. I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t touch people. I know logically, that my past doesn’t make that so, but I can’t help it. Its so degrading, so dirty, so…. Unnatural. I’m just so sick of dealing with things on my own. But I don’t know how to tell anyone. I mean yeah, I’m close to Shaffer and Tracy. Closer then I thought I could be. But I just don’t know how to get over my past. Thank you Ashley Pulley, you successfully ruined me for life. I’ll never be the same, I’ll never be what I could be, have what I could have, go where I could go. Cause you marked me, made me different. Cut me off from others. I’ll never be able to have a real relationship cause I’ll always be in fear of touch, in fear of my heart, in fear of what I am.
My future looms before me.
Selfish as it may sound, I feel like I have the ability to do great. Like, I have what it takes to make a difference in this world. Like a new age Gandhi or King or something. It’s horribly self absorbed but I really think I can. I have this urge to change the world for the better, but I don’t know how. I’m only 18 and I feel like I’ve already wasted my life. I mean, I’m graduating soon and I don’t feel like anyone at that school will me miss. It won’t be years from now that people will remember the name “Jessica Rhodes” like they will Christina Sun, Dave Simnick, etc. I’m a no body at that school, just a number. The potential I think I have is wasted away making sandwiches for people I cant stand, and sets with people that I often find my self wanting to hit. I fear that I’ll never be more then mediocre. My writing is all I think I have and really, what good is that? My friends don’t even recognize me for that. I doubt they’ve even read the vast majority of my stuff. And by writing I don’t mean this damn Blog or fucking fan fics. I don’t pore my heart and effort into them. No I mean my poetry and occasionally lyrics. Those are my soul, my spirit, my heart and my life. Could anyone I know please recognize my accomplishments?
My true self lies elsewhere.
I don’t feel like I belong. I really don’t. Growing up bi-racial/bi-cultural or whatever may be the cause. But I don’t feel like I belong. At home I’m the odd ball. Strange rock tastes, coupled with intense liberalism drizzled with an unnatural obsession with anyone asian/Japanese. At school, yeah I may look like I fit in. But most of the time, I just can’t stand to be around you guys. There’s a piece missing. I thought that you guys getting more into anime was a good thing but no. In the end I’ve lost all originality. I can’t wait to be the odd ball, Asian obsessed one the group next year. But still that won’t solve the problem. The only time I feel truly whole is when I’m doing something Asian. Reading books on Japanese history and the art of war feels me with a sense of completeness. Like that’s what I was meant for. Maybe my past life was a samurai, I dunno. But this world isn’t what I belong in. This “American” culture has no virtue, to rules, nothing. It values money and winning above honor, pride and duty. And there can be no lasting society without those three. Oh, you say that American has been around for a while? Japan has been around almost as long as China and its culture is still based on hard work, honor and duty. And they’re doing just fine despite things such as, loosing WWII. I bet America couldn’t last that shit.
My compassion cowers in fear.
I’m an extremely caring person. I know you all find that hard to believe, but its true. I care so much that I pretend not to care, just to save my sanity. I want to help everyone, solve everyone else’s problems before my own. Again, sounds like I have an ego, but its true. I don’t like to cause anyone trouble. That’s part of the reason I don’t talk to others about my troubles, I don’t want to cause drama. That’s the reason I usually don’t confront people, I don’t wanna cause drama. I just want others to be happy, successfully and peacefully. My life is the life that is meant for pain and hell. And I accept that on the terms that others around me are happy. So as I watch him suffer. I can’t help but feel like I’m not doing my job. Am I not suffering enough for him to be happy? Am I not caring enough to help him through this? How do I show him I care more then I did? Did I miss my chance to help the other day when he came by work? I just want those around me happy, but especially him.
My life is a drop.
I’m a drop of rain. Not enough to be called a storm on its own. Just part of the storm, part of the cycle, nothing special what so ever.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
And I just wished that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
---Linkin Park, My December, Hybrid Theory
Alura - 3:10 AM
Monday, March 26, 2007
[::..Empathetic..::]
So today sucked. Matt's going through shit right now and that makes me feel like shit. Like I can barely focus on anything, I feel lazy and even a bit woosey. Its nuts. I just hate being empathetic. I care entirely too much about people. This is part of the reason I tend to push others away, caring this much is draining. And I dont know how to care less without making myself feel like shit for not helping. *sigh*
To kinda satisfiy myself I wrote Matt this:
I still havent decided weather or not I'm going to send it. *sigh* I'm a chicken shit. No, I make chicken shit look good. Fuck me.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
To kinda satisfiy myself I wrote Matt this:
Ok, so I’m a very empathetic person. I can’t stand to see a person I know
going through something and me not help. It just drives me nuts. So this is my
attempt at helping you with your Quarter/Mid-Life Crisis with what little I know
about it.
Tennis: You’re going to play despite those three not playing. Sure,
your team won’t do as well. But could you sit by and watch them do even worse
because your not there? Plus, you love the game. You know you wanna play.
Shah: Yeah he’s an idiot. I personally think he’s kinda funny, but
don’t let him being an idiot bother you if it is. He’s 28, perhaps its time for
him to grow up a bit.
Girls: Apparently you asked Tim for advice on females. Yeah… that’s
kind of a bad call. You’d have been better asking me considering I am a girl and
Tim is just the wrong person to ask. So, if you’re thinking of asking someone
out, just do it. Why would you get rejected? You’re a great guy. Much as I call
you an ass or a jerk or any number of things (Geeze! Am I ever nice to you? How
do you stand it?), you really are a nice guy. You’re a good listener, I know
I’ve found myself telling you things I didn’t intend to say. You’re a good
talker. You’re intelligent. (I mean, you are asian right? jk) You’re stable, aka
you have money seeing as how you have two jobs. (Women love that.) You are
obviously able to commit to something seeing as how you have two jobs, play a
sport and go to school full time. (Another thing we females tend to love.) And
you’re a good looking person. You wont get rejected. And if you already have,
well she kinda missed out didn’t she? Like I said, you’re a great guy, much I am
often times loathe admit.
Life: You’re 20 years old. You’re life is really just beginning. You
have a bright future, don’t worry about that. You’d have to really fuck up to
not having a good life.
And for any other problem, just think of all the lovely compliments I
just gave you and that should perk you up, right? Well I hope so, cause like I
said, I hate seeing people I know upset. And sorry if I’ve crossed some sort of
line that maybe I shouldn’t have. But like I said, I just had to help somehow or
at least make myself think I helped.
Oh and as for my last piece of advice. Talk to someone, even if you
just go to them a rant, it helps a ton. Plus, they may be able to give you some
advice. If you want, rant to me. I’m pretty good at giving advice, just ask the
girl still on your waiting list.
ttyl and better days,
---Jess
I still havent decided weather or not I'm going to send it. *sigh* I'm a chicken shit. No, I make chicken shit look good. Fuck me.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
---Mandy Moore, Only Hope, A Walk To Remember Soundtrack
UPDATE: Yeah I sent it. And all on my own without making people encourage me. I'm kinda proud of myself. ^_^ Now for this worry to go away...
Alura - 10:54 PM
Saturday, March 17, 2007
[::..Never Love A Doctor..::]
Another crap day at work, this time thanks to....... TIM! Heres the story:
So I walk in in a good mood, carmel machiatto (sp) in hand, land piece of Robins costume bought, tax shit mailed in and almost 20 minutes early.
First let down: Tim let Matt leave early, so no last one second view of him before Florida.
So I get to work, and I'm talking to Tim. Remember, hes not as bad lately so I can handle it. There I am, making Tuna when I hear the words that make my heart stop.
"Matt's got a new crush now."
Yeah folks, he really said that. He proceeded to explain that theres some fucking 17 yr old from North that he thinks is hot.
Yeah, I dont know if its true, but still folks. I lost it. The thought that some bitch I go to school with is who he rather have, the thought that I really had no shot, the fact that Tim would tell me that... yeah I broke.
I started hypervenelating (sp) and was gonna call Shaffer when I realized I left my phone a home. Then, through an act of God, Fate or ESP, she walks in. I rant to her and I'm so broken that she gives me a hug and it didnt bother me. She then hits and yells at Tim as I sit there about to cry and wanting to just get shot in the heart. (Because the heart would just make it appropriate.) I thought of using Ryuu, Chuujitsu, or Saijitsu to do it, but then the blood would rust on the blade and thats not cool.
Shaffer, again a miracle, gives me her iPod to borrow (cause my Zen is on the fritz) while she goes to photograph the Spring ppl. Listening stopped my blind rage at Tim. Now that I think about it, he kept looknig at me like I was gonna blow. Didnt talk much either. Damn, I even scare (technically) grown men with my rage.
Then Shaffer came back and let me rant some more. After she left I wrote From the High. Another emo love song. Then after I stopped writing I went back to being angry and depressed. I'm sure I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. I almost cried at work too. *sigh*
I really hate this. I mean I cant confirm any of this. Shaffer says Tim says he doesnt really know anything, but still. Just the thought.... I really wanna die right now. I've been being a bitch all night. I cant control myself. This just is bull shit. How much of an ass do you have to be to say that to someone? I mean sure, Tim doesnt know that I'm emotionally unstable or that I'm in love with Matt. But he still knew I liked him. Thats bad there as it is.
I really hate life. Can I just leave this world yet? Please? I promise I'll be good and do whatever you want; if all this will just end.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Emotions twirling, twisting within my heart
The sight of you sending me over the edge
Your body feet from mine
Your body my temple, you my god
Please don’t forsake me god
Please hear my prayer
Accept my sacrifice
I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder
The words flowing like lava from my mouth
I told you everything, my demons I shared
Your ears were open to me
You fought for me, as you plotted against
Please don’t ignore me love
Please listen to me again
Accept my love for you
I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder
Do you hear me say I love you?
Do you hear my voice echo in your heart?
Do you know that I would die
without your attention?
Do you care that I’m falling?
I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder
Please don’t forsake me god
Please hear my prayer
Accept my sacrifice
I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder
I’m dying, dying
Oh dying, dying
Yes I’m dying inside
with you so near
---Jessica Rhodes, From the High
So I walk in in a good mood, carmel machiatto (sp) in hand, land piece of Robins costume bought, tax shit mailed in and almost 20 minutes early.
First let down: Tim let Matt leave early, so no last one second view of him before Florida.
So I get to work, and I'm talking to Tim. Remember, hes not as bad lately so I can handle it. There I am, making Tuna when I hear the words that make my heart stop.
"Matt's got a new crush now."
Yeah folks, he really said that. He proceeded to explain that theres some fucking 17 yr old from North that he thinks is hot.
Yeah, I dont know if its true, but still folks. I lost it. The thought that some bitch I go to school with is who he rather have, the thought that I really had no shot, the fact that Tim would tell me that... yeah I broke.
I started hypervenelating (sp) and was gonna call Shaffer when I realized I left my phone a home. Then, through an act of God, Fate or ESP, she walks in. I rant to her and I'm so broken that she gives me a hug and it didnt bother me. She then hits and yells at Tim as I sit there about to cry and wanting to just get shot in the heart. (Because the heart would just make it appropriate.) I thought of using Ryuu, Chuujitsu, or Saijitsu to do it, but then the blood would rust on the blade and thats not cool.
Shaffer, again a miracle, gives me her iPod to borrow (cause my Zen is on the fritz) while she goes to photograph the Spring ppl. Listening stopped my blind rage at Tim. Now that I think about it, he kept looknig at me like I was gonna blow. Didnt talk much either. Damn, I even scare (technically) grown men with my rage.
Then Shaffer came back and let me rant some more. After she left I wrote From the High. Another emo love song. Then after I stopped writing I went back to being angry and depressed. I'm sure I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. I almost cried at work too. *sigh*
I really hate this. I mean I cant confirm any of this. Shaffer says Tim says he doesnt really know anything, but still. Just the thought.... I really wanna die right now. I've been being a bitch all night. I cant control myself. This just is bull shit. How much of an ass do you have to be to say that to someone? I mean sure, Tim doesnt know that I'm emotionally unstable or that I'm in love with Matt. But he still knew I liked him. Thats bad there as it is.
I really hate life. Can I just leave this world yet? Please? I promise I'll be good and do whatever you want; if all this will just end.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Emotions twirling, twisting within my heart
The sight of you sending me over the edge
Your body feet from mine
Your body my temple, you my god
Please don’t forsake me god
Please hear my prayer
Accept my sacrifice
I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder
The words flowing like lava from my mouth
I told you everything, my demons I shared
Your ears were open to me
You fought for me, as you plotted against
Please don’t ignore me love
Please listen to me again
Accept my love for you
I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder
Do you hear me say I love you?
Do you hear my voice echo in your heart?
Do you know that I would die
without your attention?
Do you care that I’m falling?
I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder
Please don’t forsake me god
Please hear my prayer
Accept my sacrifice
I’m falling, falling fast
from the high of my expectations
I’m drowning, drowning quickly
from the depth of my love
I’m burning, burning slowly
from the cold of your shoulder
I’m dying, dying
Oh dying, dying
Yes I’m dying inside
with you so near
---Jessica Rhodes, From the High
Alura - 10:47 PM
Sunday, March 11, 2007
[::..Not What I Expected..::]
Today was one messed up day at work. I almost cried several times, it was nuts. But later I was totally happy. And all cause of Matt. And worse, I cant even hate him for whats happening to me. Its not his fault that I'm nuts, and he doesnt return my feelings.
Its the 2nd week in a row where talking on the phone to his friends has been more intersting then talking to me for like 80% of our shifts. I know its stupid to over react over this, but oh well. I just cant help but think its a sign or something. I was so upset, like this was his way of telling me that he doesnt care about me like I do him. I got all emo and depressed cause I felt that I had no shot and had offered my heart to the wrong person, again. Like I said, I almost cried a few times. I just wanted to die or something. I was so upset I almost started yelling at him. I wanted to so bad. I just wanted to yell about him toying with my emotions and ignoring me and how much I love him.
Instead I got kinda shirty with him a few times, and I was really quiet. I couldnt even look at him for a while and I kept sighing and walking away from him and trying not to be near him at all. It was nuts And I think he could tell, cause I'm NOT quiet and I DONT give up opportunities to stare at him or be near him. But then towards the end of our shift he sat with me in the front and we talked and shit. I didnt get any response on the coning or my hair. (which truth me told I wanted him to like. Oh well I work with him Tuesday and he better say something then to redeam himself.) And suddenly he was all helpful, like he knew I was getting pissed/hurt/whatever. *sigh* But at least I finally have a game plan on how to handle MD.
Plan:
Its the 2nd week in a row where talking on the phone to his friends has been more intersting then talking to me for like 80% of our shifts. I know its stupid to over react over this, but oh well. I just cant help but think its a sign or something. I was so upset, like this was his way of telling me that he doesnt care about me like I do him. I got all emo and depressed cause I felt that I had no shot and had offered my heart to the wrong person, again. Like I said, I almost cried a few times. I just wanted to die or something. I was so upset I almost started yelling at him. I wanted to so bad. I just wanted to yell about him toying with my emotions and ignoring me and how much I love him.
Instead I got kinda shirty with him a few times, and I was really quiet. I couldnt even look at him for a while and I kept sighing and walking away from him and trying not to be near him at all. It was nuts And I think he could tell, cause I'm NOT quiet and I DONT give up opportunities to stare at him or be near him. But then towards the end of our shift he sat with me in the front and we talked and shit. I didnt get any response on the coning or my hair. (which truth me told I wanted him to like. Oh well I work with him Tuesday and he better say something then to redeam himself.) And suddenly he was all helpful, like he knew I was getting pissed/hurt/whatever. *sigh* But at least I finally have a game plan on how to handle MD.
Plan:
- Start to give up on him. Or at least try to think of him less. Hard to do, but I just want to not get my hopes up more then they are. Right now they're pretty low and I think thats more realistic.
- Read Dateable while hes in Florida. I know that sounds desperate, but hey I got the book for my b-day so I might as well read it and try to put it to use right?
- Confront him. I know, I know, you dont believe I'll do it. But I will. Once he's back from Spring Training, I'll confront him. Just be like "Ok, sry if this gets awkward but I need to know. Is there, or has there ever been, a chance of us getting together?"
I know, easier said then done. But I'm so absolutly fed up with this shit. I mean, now I'm starting to dred working with him which is NOT cool. I need things straightened out. I need answers. I'm a sagittarius. Its in my nature.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Step back and get some distance from the current situation instead of fretting over what you think you did 'wrong' and 'right.' The conditions are changing, and you need to be able to adapt.
---Yahoo! Horoscope for Sagittarius
Alura - 11:05 PM
Sunday, March 04, 2007
[::..Selfish..::]
Ok, I havent updated this thing in a while and there are a few topics that I need to adress. Three topics, actually. These topics include: Friends, Neylon, and MD.
Friends:
I've got no major grievences right now. I'm just getting annoyed with people again. A LOT! I cant explain it. It just feels like I cant be myself around you guys. I have to be what you want. I know no one is asking that of me. But I just dont know how to truly relax around you and not think.
And there are some people that one minute I love you to death and the next, I kinda wanna kill you. I'm tired of being judged. Yeah I feel judged around some of you. Perhaps thats part of the reason I cant relax around you. I dont want to her hurt.
Neylon:
I know this topic is supposed to be dead but I feel it needs to be revisited for certain reasons. Lately Neylon has actually been popping up places near me. And when that happens, you see a Rhodes (Yes Rhodes cause thats who I am to most of you, even if thats not who I want to be) that is unhappy, even a bit hostile?
I DO NOT HATE MATTHEW JAMES NEYLON!!!!!!!!!!!
You dont believe me, and if I were you I wouldnt either. But I really dont. I just dont want him near me, cant have him near me. This is how I view that whole situation: Neylon was in my life for a reason. That was to teach me to open up more and to love. He taught me those things, and after that we were supposed to go our seperate ways. Thats what Fate dictated. But we didnt listen. We tried to remain friends and in the end we both got hurt, both got confused and both got thrown off track. Now that I've realized this, I cant let him near me. Doing so could cause trouble for me, him and eveyone around us cause Matt Neylon and I are no longer meant to be friends. I look back on the times I had with him fondly and with great love because some of those were the best times of my life. But thats over. Very over.
MD:
Yeah, Matt again. What can I say, that boy causes me great trouble. I dont really know what else to say about him. It just feels as if no update on this Blogger would be complete without mention of him. Hes the highlight of my life and the most confusing part of it as well. Hes the one person I feel free with. No mask, no fear. Just me and him and being a girl in love. He accepts me. At least I think he does. And thats all I need. Well I want more, crave and desire more, but I know thats not gonna happen cause I dont deserve him.
I know you think this is a self-pitty trip, designed to get attention. But I really feel this way sometimes. I just have so many things in my past (depression, suicide, molestation, etc) that just make me feel so unclean like I shouldnt even be near him. Yet I am, and was makes it worse (better?) is that he knows all this about me. He knows the full story behind all of that and still he treats me normally; jokes with me, talks with me, cares for me?
Sometimes I just get filled with so much love for him I dont know what to do. Dont know how to release it or express it. Sometimes I think he's toying with me. Knows I'm falling for him fast and is using that for his amusement. And then I feel horrible for even thinking that! Hes a nice guys under it all, how dare I accuse him of such an evil deed?
The other times I think hes trying to tell me something. Like he'll explain his theory that girls like guys that are assholes. And I cant help but wonder if thats supposed to be an explaintion for his actions. Or he'll ask me my opinions on things like sex, marriage, etc and I think maybe hes thinking of me in those terms. Then other times he'll say that the Friend Zone is impossible to get out of and I remember that he once told me I was in his "circle of friends." Then his friends will say things like "where's you girlfriend Jess?" or "when are you gonna take Jessica to Chinatown again?" And I think that maybe its their way of trying to get him to do something. Or perhaps its a way to make fun of me and my feelings for him. Then I feel horrible for accusing them of these things when they've never been anything but nice to me.
Then there are the really low times when I remember what Neylon used to accuse me of, of looking for signs when there werent any. And then I feel desperate and pathetic.
There are just so many signs that could me everything or nothing. How do I respond to them people? How do I decipher their meaning? If they even have one at all.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Baby I wonder if you feel the same as I do
I wonder if you're going through the things I'm going through,
---*Nsync, Two of Us, Celebrity
Friends:
I've got no major grievences right now. I'm just getting annoyed with people again. A LOT! I cant explain it. It just feels like I cant be myself around you guys. I have to be what you want. I know no one is asking that of me. But I just dont know how to truly relax around you and not think.
And there are some people that one minute I love you to death and the next, I kinda wanna kill you. I'm tired of being judged. Yeah I feel judged around some of you. Perhaps thats part of the reason I cant relax around you. I dont want to her hurt.
Neylon:
I know this topic is supposed to be dead but I feel it needs to be revisited for certain reasons. Lately Neylon has actually been popping up places near me. And when that happens, you see a Rhodes (Yes Rhodes cause thats who I am to most of you, even if thats not who I want to be) that is unhappy, even a bit hostile?
I DO NOT HATE MATTHEW JAMES NEYLON!!!!!!!!!!!
You dont believe me, and if I were you I wouldnt either. But I really dont. I just dont want him near me, cant have him near me. This is how I view that whole situation: Neylon was in my life for a reason. That was to teach me to open up more and to love. He taught me those things, and after that we were supposed to go our seperate ways. Thats what Fate dictated. But we didnt listen. We tried to remain friends and in the end we both got hurt, both got confused and both got thrown off track. Now that I've realized this, I cant let him near me. Doing so could cause trouble for me, him and eveyone around us cause Matt Neylon and I are no longer meant to be friends. I look back on the times I had with him fondly and with great love because some of those were the best times of my life. But thats over. Very over.
MD:
Yeah, Matt again. What can I say, that boy causes me great trouble. I dont really know what else to say about him. It just feels as if no update on this Blogger would be complete without mention of him. Hes the highlight of my life and the most confusing part of it as well. Hes the one person I feel free with. No mask, no fear. Just me and him and being a girl in love. He accepts me. At least I think he does. And thats all I need. Well I want more, crave and desire more, but I know thats not gonna happen cause I dont deserve him.
I know you think this is a self-pitty trip, designed to get attention. But I really feel this way sometimes. I just have so many things in my past (depression, suicide, molestation, etc) that just make me feel so unclean like I shouldnt even be near him. Yet I am, and was makes it worse (better?) is that he knows all this about me. He knows the full story behind all of that and still he treats me normally; jokes with me, talks with me, cares for me?
Sometimes I just get filled with so much love for him I dont know what to do. Dont know how to release it or express it. Sometimes I think he's toying with me. Knows I'm falling for him fast and is using that for his amusement. And then I feel horrible for even thinking that! Hes a nice guys under it all, how dare I accuse him of such an evil deed?
The other times I think hes trying to tell me something. Like he'll explain his theory that girls like guys that are assholes. And I cant help but wonder if thats supposed to be an explaintion for his actions. Or he'll ask me my opinions on things like sex, marriage, etc and I think maybe hes thinking of me in those terms. Then other times he'll say that the Friend Zone is impossible to get out of and I remember that he once told me I was in his "circle of friends." Then his friends will say things like "where's you girlfriend Jess?" or "when are you gonna take Jessica to Chinatown again?" And I think that maybe its their way of trying to get him to do something. Or perhaps its a way to make fun of me and my feelings for him. Then I feel horrible for accusing them of these things when they've never been anything but nice to me.
Then there are the really low times when I remember what Neylon used to accuse me of, of looking for signs when there werent any. And then I feel desperate and pathetic.
There are just so many signs that could me everything or nothing. How do I respond to them people? How do I decipher their meaning? If they even have one at all.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Baby I wonder if you feel the same as I do
I wonder if you're going through the things I'm going through,
---*Nsync, Two of Us, Celebrity
Alura - 11:04 PM