[::..Do You Ever Think Of Me?..::]
Last night, I got annoyed with Matt cause he was on and off his phone last night. And I know it sounds stupid, selfish and irrational but I view the time I get to work with Matt as my time. Its the only time I get to see him and as bad as it sounds, I want him to focus on me. *sigh* Stupid, irrational, selfish and stalkerish, I know.
I just care about him so much that I cant help but want to spend as much time with him as possible. I really need to just get over him. Its not like somethings gonna happen and this feeling of hallow exhaustion after seeing him can get annoying. I mean most of the time I see him and I'm all giddy and happy and I feel like I'm on that high for a while. But then sometimes after I see him I feel empty and almost used. Like he knows the effect he has on me and just likes getting a reaction out of me. *sigh*
Really folks, I need to move on. But how do I? I mean I care for him so much and I know him pretty well. And hes one of only a few people that I am comfortable with even in awkward situations and I can talk to him so easily that its scary. My heart screams affection. What does his say?
Tell me what to do folks. I really want to just talk to him but I dont know how and honest to God I tend to forget. I'm usually just so happy to see him or talk to him that I forget to even bring it up. Plus, how do I bring it up? I wish I knew.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder If you ever think of me
---Vanessa Carlton, A Thousand Miles, Be Not Nobody
I just care about him so much that I cant help but want to spend as much time with him as possible. I really need to just get over him. Its not like somethings gonna happen and this feeling of hallow exhaustion after seeing him can get annoying. I mean most of the time I see him and I'm all giddy and happy and I feel like I'm on that high for a while. But then sometimes after I see him I feel empty and almost used. Like he knows the effect he has on me and just likes getting a reaction out of me. *sigh*
Really folks, I need to move on. But how do I? I mean I care for him so much and I know him pretty well. And hes one of only a few people that I am comfortable with even in awkward situations and I can talk to him so easily that its scary. My heart screams affection. What does his say?
Tell me what to do folks. I really want to just talk to him but I dont know how and honest to God I tend to forget. I'm usually just so happy to see him or talk to him that I forget to even bring it up. Plus, how do I bring it up? I wish I knew.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder If you ever think of me
---Vanessa Carlton, A Thousand Miles, Be Not Nobody
Alura - 1:46 PM
Sunday, January 21, 2007
[::..Cheated..::]
I always looked forward to senior year, ever since being a freshman. It wasnt necessarily because then I'd be older or in charge of the school or any of that. Its because it was supposed to be my year.
Our year.
That's all I ever heard Neylon saw was that senior year everything would be different. All the people that kept us apart would have graduated, we'd be fine again, we'd do everything together. He promised me that senior year was going to be our year. All I had to do was hold on till then.
Well, he was right about one thing, everything is different. But its not our year. We dont even speak. I dont have my best friend back, I dont even have a best friend at all. We arent together, I'm not with anyone.
I feel so cheated. Everything I held out for for so long, is simply not true at all. I was lied to, mislead and now I'm alone. I dont have anyone to share anything with. There are a few that I can tell some things to but I dont have what Neylon promised me. Its such a let down.
I hate being lied toe.
I hate feeling cheated.
I hate being alone.
Is it so bad to want someone? Is it? Its not that I need to be in a relatinoship to be happy or something or to validate my existance. Thats not it at all. I'm just tired of being alone. I shouldnt have to be alone. I see Sam and Dustin together and tons of other couples and I cant help but feel like shit. Cause I have no one. I have MD, who I oogle at and argue with but thats not going anywhere and I know it. Its all in my head.
Its at moments like this that I simply want to give up. I know its stupid and dramatic, but I hate this feeling. The feeling of being not worthy of anyone, of being unloved, unwanted. The feeling of being disappointed, the feeling of being lied to, cheated.
Where's my happy ending? Where's my romantic gesture? Wheres my cliche? Where's my prince charming?
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
"I want to fall maddly in love."
---My Xanga
Our year.
That's all I ever heard Neylon saw was that senior year everything would be different. All the people that kept us apart would have graduated, we'd be fine again, we'd do everything together. He promised me that senior year was going to be our year. All I had to do was hold on till then.
Well, he was right about one thing, everything is different. But its not our year. We dont even speak. I dont have my best friend back, I dont even have a best friend at all. We arent together, I'm not with anyone.
I feel so cheated. Everything I held out for for so long, is simply not true at all. I was lied to, mislead and now I'm alone. I dont have anyone to share anything with. There are a few that I can tell some things to but I dont have what Neylon promised me. Its such a let down.
I hate being lied toe.
I hate feeling cheated.
I hate being alone.
Is it so bad to want someone? Is it? Its not that I need to be in a relatinoship to be happy or something or to validate my existance. Thats not it at all. I'm just tired of being alone. I shouldnt have to be alone. I see Sam and Dustin together and tons of other couples and I cant help but feel like shit. Cause I have no one. I have MD, who I oogle at and argue with but thats not going anywhere and I know it. Its all in my head.
Its at moments like this that I simply want to give up. I know its stupid and dramatic, but I hate this feeling. The feeling of being not worthy of anyone, of being unloved, unwanted. The feeling of being disappointed, the feeling of being lied to, cheated.
Where's my happy ending? Where's my romantic gesture? Wheres my cliche? Where's my prince charming?
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
"I want to fall maddly in love."
---My Xanga
Alura - 9:19 PM
Friday, January 05, 2007
[::..Yet Another..::]
So I'm now 100% positive that my mother doesn’t give a crap about me. I was trying to talk to her last night about my plans for school next semester and she wasn’t paying attention. Any time I spoke to her the last few days, she cut me off or changed the channel. I even brought it up and said that it annoyed me and she didn’t care. Not only does she not care about what I say or think but she doesn’t respect anything I like or want to do. She still thinks I'm going to go to Law School. She said that again last night and she had the nerve to look almost disappointed that I want to be a teacher. She’s never cared about my life and future plans before, why should she have the right to care now? That pissed me off, really pissed me off. Then she made fun of Evanescence, again. She makes fun of everything I like actually, always has. And I'm fine with that, the only thing I don’t want her to make fun of is Ev. I even tried to tell her that I hate it and she simply repeated that making fun of Amy Lee was fun for her. Further proof that my mother doesn’t give two shits what I say.
Oh another funny story. The other day Troy, my mom and I were watching TV and some mother-daughter thing comes one. Troy (jokingly) suggests we do it. My mother then comments that we dont need to cause "Jessica and I are already close." I had to keep myself from laughing. It was so funny! So ludicrously funny! As if!!!!!
But now, the final straw. I saw a quote last night about a mothers love and crap like that. Then I copied it, put it in an away message and laughed at it. Then I never logged off last night. My mother IMs me today while I was out and that’s the away message she sees. She says nothing. Not anything online or when she gets home. This pisses me off so much!!!!!!!!!! It’s not right! I have no support what so ever in this house.
And then people wonder why I cant open up to them or yell at me for not talking to them. Well I've never had anyone there for me before, not even my own mother. It’s hard to believe you will be. I've spent my life since shit started when I was 3, learning to hide my emotions and tears. I've been alone since then, I don’t know how to open up. But I'm so tired of being alone, so tired of crying, so tired of being cold, I'm just tired.
I guess shrinks are right it does all start with your mother.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
---Anna Nalick, Breathe (2am), Wreck of the Day
Oh another funny story. The other day Troy, my mom and I were watching TV and some mother-daughter thing comes one. Troy (jokingly) suggests we do it. My mother then comments that we dont need to cause "Jessica and I are already close." I had to keep myself from laughing. It was so funny! So ludicrously funny! As if!!!!!
But now, the final straw. I saw a quote last night about a mothers love and crap like that. Then I copied it, put it in an away message and laughed at it. Then I never logged off last night. My mother IMs me today while I was out and that’s the away message she sees. She says nothing. Not anything online or when she gets home. This pisses me off so much!!!!!!!!!! It’s not right! I have no support what so ever in this house.
And then people wonder why I cant open up to them or yell at me for not talking to them. Well I've never had anyone there for me before, not even my own mother. It’s hard to believe you will be. I've spent my life since shit started when I was 3, learning to hide my emotions and tears. I've been alone since then, I don’t know how to open up. But I'm so tired of being alone, so tired of crying, so tired of being cold, I'm just tired.
I guess shrinks are right it does all start with your mother.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
---Anna Nalick, Breathe (2am), Wreck of the Day
Alura - 8:40 PM