[::..Wicked Relapse..::]
It all started at Wicked. I was sitting there, staring at eye candy and listenting to I'm Not That Girl. It was great of course. And while I was sitting there, singing softly along I started to tear up. And I thought of Matt. I was like "what the fuck!" But I quickly put it out of mind. I chalked it up to the fact that I'm not completly over him and it would take my mind some time to reorganize with the new mode of thinking.
Except yesterday, I kept thinknig about him. Not a lot! Or even in explicit terms. I'd just randomly be like... "la la la, Matt Dang. Oh shit!" But I chalked it up to the same excuse.
Then today, I was talking to Steffi, telling her about the truth of Subway and what not and I even told her that I used to have a crush on Matt. I figured it wasnt a secret and it might explain our bickering. Except Matt got to work after 1) MJ bitching to me about him for litterally, half an hour and 2) Steffi and I getting SLAMMED!!!!!!!! She kinda got thrown on the line and she handled it wonderfully and was great. We even have a bit in common. But I wont go into detail now.
Anyway, so I'm not in the most inclined mood to be nice to him. Especially since I had been, annoyingly, thinking about him. So he walks in just as our rush is ending (26 in a half hour thank you!), meandering and taking his sweet time, with nothing in his hands. Yup! He forgot his uniform again! Then before he even gets to the computer to punch in, his phone rings. So after everthing calms down I, naturally, hit him with my visor. Several times, and throw it as him too. Ooops! There goes my attempt at non-violence. Oh well.
So after bit, John and Tim come in. So naturally he talks to them for over an hour. Leaving me to work, train Steffi and not kill him. He did some customer, but not many. Steffi prolly doesnt have the best 1st impression of him. Good thing he's usually able to get past that. But beyond, that I was pretty annoyed with him and all, but couldnt help but find him annoyingly intriging. I kept looking at him (yes even his ass. Oh man those were some nice jeans! ^_^), I knew I kept mentionin him and everytime I spoke to him, it was rude and sarcastic. And once he was done talking to his friends (at about 8 when Steffi left), all we did was bicker. It was like old times, when I knew I was smitten. And thats when I knew it for sure.
I've relapsed.
I didnt even last a week! No, just a few days of not having him constanly in my head and I'm back to staring at his ass and wanting to make out with him. It like hes a drug, coke thats in my system and wont leave me alone. But oh! The high I get. I know it will lead nowhere, but the feeling, the adrinaline rush..... Its worth it. Almost. I think...? *sigh*
Of course, I know nothin's possible. But it only makes him annoyingly more attractive! I know hes not perfect. Far from it. But hes kind at heart and sweet, and fun and intelligent. Of course hes also cocky and egotisical... But who isnt to an extent? And how much of that is true? How much an act? I mean I've had him say some genuinly sweet things. Things I dont think he releaized he was saying. Things from the heart. And hes so supportive! When I told him about my cousin he was so sweet! And I can tell him things and he'll give me a bluntly honest opinion.
And I dont feel the same around anyone else. He puts a smile on my face whiles hes driving me nuts! And I know that in a relationship with him, I wouldnt be #1 in his time and that I wouldnt be treated like a princess. But I'm not the kinda girl for that treatment. I like hot gay sex and power tools. If I go a day without speaking to you, thats cool. We have seperate lives other then each other and commitements we had before we got together. I do expect to be spoken to but I dont die if we miss a day. I dont need fancy dates. The occasionally movie and many dinner is cool but hey! Sitting around and talking or watching a movie at home is cool too. Its the little things that count, like sharing a few nice words then knowing everything about you. I wanna learn about you slowly, no rush, no pressure. I dont wanna be treated like a princess, like I said, I'm a wood shop kinda gal. You can tell me to shut up, you can treat me like one of the guys, you can joke with me and have random arguments with me. I'm not delicate and I wont be treated as such. And I know that in a relationship with Matt, that's prolly what I'd get. And I think thats what I need. Someone I dont have to hold back with in any way. Someone who can contend with me physically, mentally and intellectually. I need a challange, I need a fight. And Matt's a challenge if I've ever seen one!
Oh and have I ever mentioned hes hot? ^_^ And apparently Shaffer agrees with me now. But I've had words with her on that. Though it is nice to know I'm right. Cause that is one hot asian. Rapable I must add. Oh yes, rapable. I want him, I just want to kiss him and find out its not what I thought and move past. Or just yell at him to get out of my head and my system; to release me from his spell. Turn off the hot smile, take the hot ass away from me, keep the personality away and never come near me. Cause I know nothing will ever come of my emotions. *sigh* Well, despite this set back, I'm not giving up hope. I need to keep my male prospects open over summer and next year. Who knows, I may never even see Matt again after I leave.
Oh God that's scary.
What the fuck is wrong with me!?
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
"Thats one hot asian in a polo!"
---Shaffer *shakes head*
Except yesterday, I kept thinknig about him. Not a lot! Or even in explicit terms. I'd just randomly be like... "la la la, Matt Dang. Oh shit!" But I chalked it up to the same excuse.
Then today, I was talking to Steffi, telling her about the truth of Subway and what not and I even told her that I used to have a crush on Matt. I figured it wasnt a secret and it might explain our bickering. Except Matt got to work after 1) MJ bitching to me about him for litterally, half an hour and 2) Steffi and I getting SLAMMED!!!!!!!! She kinda got thrown on the line and she handled it wonderfully and was great. We even have a bit in common. But I wont go into detail now.
Anyway, so I'm not in the most inclined mood to be nice to him. Especially since I had been, annoyingly, thinking about him. So he walks in just as our rush is ending (26 in a half hour thank you!), meandering and taking his sweet time, with nothing in his hands. Yup! He forgot his uniform again! Then before he even gets to the computer to punch in, his phone rings. So after everthing calms down I, naturally, hit him with my visor. Several times, and throw it as him too. Ooops! There goes my attempt at non-violence. Oh well.
So after bit, John and Tim come in. So naturally he talks to them for over an hour. Leaving me to work, train Steffi and not kill him. He did some customer, but not many. Steffi prolly doesnt have the best 1st impression of him. Good thing he's usually able to get past that. But beyond, that I was pretty annoyed with him and all, but couldnt help but find him annoyingly intriging. I kept looking at him (yes even his ass. Oh man those were some nice jeans! ^_^), I knew I kept mentionin him and everytime I spoke to him, it was rude and sarcastic. And once he was done talking to his friends (at about 8 when Steffi left), all we did was bicker. It was like old times, when I knew I was smitten. And thats when I knew it for sure.
I've relapsed.
I didnt even last a week! No, just a few days of not having him constanly in my head and I'm back to staring at his ass and wanting to make out with him. It like hes a drug, coke thats in my system and wont leave me alone. But oh! The high I get. I know it will lead nowhere, but the feeling, the adrinaline rush..... Its worth it. Almost. I think...? *sigh*
Of course, I know nothin's possible. But it only makes him annoyingly more attractive! I know hes not perfect. Far from it. But hes kind at heart and sweet, and fun and intelligent. Of course hes also cocky and egotisical... But who isnt to an extent? And how much of that is true? How much an act? I mean I've had him say some genuinly sweet things. Things I dont think he releaized he was saying. Things from the heart. And hes so supportive! When I told him about my cousin he was so sweet! And I can tell him things and he'll give me a bluntly honest opinion.
And I dont feel the same around anyone else. He puts a smile on my face whiles hes driving me nuts! And I know that in a relationship with him, I wouldnt be #1 in his time and that I wouldnt be treated like a princess. But I'm not the kinda girl for that treatment. I like hot gay sex and power tools. If I go a day without speaking to you, thats cool. We have seperate lives other then each other and commitements we had before we got together. I do expect to be spoken to but I dont die if we miss a day. I dont need fancy dates. The occasionally movie and many dinner is cool but hey! Sitting around and talking or watching a movie at home is cool too. Its the little things that count, like sharing a few nice words then knowing everything about you. I wanna learn about you slowly, no rush, no pressure. I dont wanna be treated like a princess, like I said, I'm a wood shop kinda gal. You can tell me to shut up, you can treat me like one of the guys, you can joke with me and have random arguments with me. I'm not delicate and I wont be treated as such. And I know that in a relationship with Matt, that's prolly what I'd get. And I think thats what I need. Someone I dont have to hold back with in any way. Someone who can contend with me physically, mentally and intellectually. I need a challange, I need a fight. And Matt's a challenge if I've ever seen one!
Oh and have I ever mentioned hes hot? ^_^ And apparently Shaffer agrees with me now. But I've had words with her on that. Though it is nice to know I'm right. Cause that is one hot asian. Rapable I must add. Oh yes, rapable. I want him, I just want to kiss him and find out its not what I thought and move past. Or just yell at him to get out of my head and my system; to release me from his spell. Turn off the hot smile, take the hot ass away from me, keep the personality away and never come near me. Cause I know nothing will ever come of my emotions. *sigh* Well, despite this set back, I'm not giving up hope. I need to keep my male prospects open over summer and next year. Who knows, I may never even see Matt again after I leave.
Oh God that's scary.
What the fuck is wrong with me!?
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
"Thats one hot asian in a polo!"
---Shaffer *shakes head*
Alura - 11:45 PM
Sunday, April 08, 2007
[::..Cut It Loose..::]
As many of you may have heard, I was conducting an "experiment" the past week or so. No one knew what it was except Shaffer. I didnt want a lot of opinions ruining the data. I had to be sure about this. This was important. This effected my love life, social life and employment.
If you havent guessed yet, it had to do with Matt. But not in the traditional sense. Let me give you the back story that started all this.
Wednesday Night at Work. Matt walks in with three of his friends. Yeah, it was kinda annying, especially cause I was gonna ask him to Prom but it didnt bother me too much. I figured I was just getting used to it and could ask later. So after a while they leave and Matt and I work and chit chat until John and (who I call cause I dont know his name) Quiet Guy come in. So hes sitting talking to them and I'm grabbing the sauce bottles and I hear John say something like "You had a half-naked girl in your bed!"
My first thought was "Ok TMI, I didnt need to know that." By the time I go back out there to grab a few more bottles, John addresses me. He tells me that in Florida some girl with a boyfriend even got into Matt's hotel bed. And he didnt do anything, not a thing! Apparenly cause he actually "cares" about her.
My response was to say that perhaps Matt was an idiot. Then it hit me. I wasnt crying inside. I felt a bit of discomfort, prolly mostly from the fact that I really didnt need to know this. And that if I was meant to know, Matt himself would have told me. But I wasnt about to ball my eyes out, I wasnt uber jealous.
And then it hit me. I may be over Matt Dang. But I couldnt just let one day, one event answer that. No I decided to test my theory. So I put Prom out of my mind and went to work.
The next day at work I was gonna surround myself with him and gauge my reactions and compare them to my reactions at the hight of my feelings. Problem being, we were so busy we hardly talked. No such luck then, I couldnt fulfill my experiment if he wasnt around for me to talk to. So I took Sam's shift for today, Easter and got to work.
We were dead today you see. Our busiest hour was a 10. The rest of the time was like 2 or 5 or something like that. We must have talked for... geeze of the 5.5 hours I was there, prolly 4-4.5 hours. Our work took no time but for a bit he was on his phone. But mostly, it was undisturbed Matt Dang time.
We talked about everything from scary moves, to Indre, to marriage/sex, to BBQ Sauce. Yeah, we have a wide range of topics we talk about. And well, I enjoyed it immensly. Truely I did. Our talks are always an interesting look into the male mind. As well as being entertaining and stimulating. But I didnt feel very many twinges of emotion. I didnt find myself staring at his ass. I didnt want to jump him.
Dont get me wrong, hes still one hot asian. As well as being entertaining and interesting. But I think I'm over him. Or at least beginning to be. I think that now, I can not constantly think about him and how much I love him but still not hate him. I can work with him more or less free of emotion but still enjoy his presence. Its an amazing idea.
With Neylon, it was either love or hate. But with Matt.... I think I can just be his friend yet still care for him deeply. I still find him interesting, but I no longer crave a relationship. If for some reason he decided he'd like to try something, I'd think about it. But thats not top on my list anymore. None of this is 100%. I've thought I was getting over him before. But a few months later my emotions burst back up, stronger then ever. But for now, I'm fine with where I am.
I still dont know the full extent of how this works for our friendship/co-employment and what not. I just realized it not too long ago. And a few days of questioning cant beat a year and a half of love. But still, its a step towards being free. I think I still love him/care for him deeply, but I'm less obsessed. And with time, I may completly get over him. Who knows. All I know is that my obsession is over. I can just be Matt's friend now. Maybe even pursue hanging out with him without fear, cause hes an entertaining guy and I wonder what it would be like to hang out with him outside of Subway and my emotions.
I dont know where this will lead me. But I'm ready face whatever comes by way in the form of Matt Dang. Friendship, co-employment, relationship or nothing. Who knows but let whatever may come, come.
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Jessica
"What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does."
---Rubeus Hagrid, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
If you havent guessed yet, it had to do with Matt. But not in the traditional sense. Let me give you the back story that started all this.
Wednesday Night at Work. Matt walks in with three of his friends. Yeah, it was kinda annying, especially cause I was gonna ask him to Prom but it didnt bother me too much. I figured I was just getting used to it and could ask later. So after a while they leave and Matt and I work and chit chat until John and (who I call cause I dont know his name) Quiet Guy come in. So hes sitting talking to them and I'm grabbing the sauce bottles and I hear John say something like "You had a half-naked girl in your bed!"
My first thought was "Ok TMI, I didnt need to know that." By the time I go back out there to grab a few more bottles, John addresses me. He tells me that in Florida some girl with a boyfriend even got into Matt's hotel bed. And he didnt do anything, not a thing! Apparenly cause he actually "cares" about her.
My response was to say that perhaps Matt was an idiot. Then it hit me. I wasnt crying inside. I felt a bit of discomfort, prolly mostly from the fact that I really didnt need to know this. And that if I was meant to know, Matt himself would have told me. But I wasnt about to ball my eyes out, I wasnt uber jealous.
And then it hit me. I may be over Matt Dang. But I couldnt just let one day, one event answer that. No I decided to test my theory. So I put Prom out of my mind and went to work.
The next day at work I was gonna surround myself with him and gauge my reactions and compare them to my reactions at the hight of my feelings. Problem being, we were so busy we hardly talked. No such luck then, I couldnt fulfill my experiment if he wasnt around for me to talk to. So I took Sam's shift for today, Easter and got to work.
We were dead today you see. Our busiest hour was a 10. The rest of the time was like 2 or 5 or something like that. We must have talked for... geeze of the 5.5 hours I was there, prolly 4-4.5 hours. Our work took no time but for a bit he was on his phone. But mostly, it was undisturbed Matt Dang time.
We talked about everything from scary moves, to Indre, to marriage/sex, to BBQ Sauce. Yeah, we have a wide range of topics we talk about. And well, I enjoyed it immensly. Truely I did. Our talks are always an interesting look into the male mind. As well as being entertaining and stimulating. But I didnt feel very many twinges of emotion. I didnt find myself staring at his ass. I didnt want to jump him.
Dont get me wrong, hes still one hot asian. As well as being entertaining and interesting. But I think I'm over him. Or at least beginning to be. I think that now, I can not constantly think about him and how much I love him but still not hate him. I can work with him more or less free of emotion but still enjoy his presence. Its an amazing idea.
With Neylon, it was either love or hate. But with Matt.... I think I can just be his friend yet still care for him deeply. I still find him interesting, but I no longer crave a relationship. If for some reason he decided he'd like to try something, I'd think about it. But thats not top on my list anymore. None of this is 100%. I've thought I was getting over him before. But a few months later my emotions burst back up, stronger then ever. But for now, I'm fine with where I am.
I still dont know the full extent of how this works for our friendship/co-employment and what not. I just realized it not too long ago. And a few days of questioning cant beat a year and a half of love. But still, its a step towards being free. I think I still love him/care for him deeply, but I'm less obsessed. And with time, I may completly get over him. Who knows. All I know is that my obsession is over. I can just be Matt's friend now. Maybe even pursue hanging out with him without fear, cause hes an entertaining guy and I wonder what it would be like to hang out with him outside of Subway and my emotions.
I dont know where this will lead me. But I'm ready face whatever comes by way in the form of Matt Dang. Friendship, co-employment, relationship or nothing. Who knows but let whatever may come, come.
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Jessica
"What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does."
---Rubeus Hagrid, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Alura - 6:59 PM