[::..I Lied..::]
Right, well, its been a while since I've used this. I did say that the last post would be the last. But I feel the need to update this. Here's what's been happening:
I didn't leave the group. Matt asked me not to, gave me a lecture and everything. Then he left. And I was so hurt, so angry, I didn't know what to do. Just seeing him made me wanna cry. Or kill him. I was pretty messed up over that. But we're talking again. Finally. And were on good terms again. But were not back to where we were. And I fear we wont ever be. We hung out for a while the other day and something was off. It was like I had to think about what I did, what I said. It felt so wrong. And I dont know how to change things and get them back to what it was. Or even if I should. Dont get me wrong, I'm glad were talking again, but its just ...off. What am I gonna go? I just dont know. *sigh* Its like our freindship, our really good freindship is a thing of the past, and I dont know how to handle that. I dont want it to be over, I want my best friend back. But I just dont know if thats possible, or how.
Crap! I'm crying again, I haven't cried in a while. Shit. I hate doing this. Ugh, I really hope no one reads this. I did say that I was gonna stop writing on this, so maybe I'm safe. Cause I dont wanna make Matt feel bad. This isnt his fault. Its my problem, my inability to change and accept change. I really need to find a way to deal with things better. I just feel, left behind. Matt's got the FCC and Shaffer who he goes on this walks with. Sam has Marina. Emily's got Bess and Donna, Tracy has Brody and I have.....
And what I hate most about this is that I have no right to feel this way. I have friends and what not, I'm just being stupid. But I can't stop it. Its like I have no control overmyself or anything anymore. *sigh* And I hate being out of control. I hate feeling confused, lost and weak. I need to have control over something. Like in 5th grade when I had no freinds, I had control over that. I forced people away, it was my choice. I could have changed it when I wanted. I have to have control over something. And I'm starting to get afraid. Afraid of what I might resort to to have conrtol over something. Anything.
I didn't leave the group. Matt asked me not to, gave me a lecture and everything. Then he left. And I was so hurt, so angry, I didn't know what to do. Just seeing him made me wanna cry. Or kill him. I was pretty messed up over that. But we're talking again. Finally. And were on good terms again. But were not back to where we were. And I fear we wont ever be. We hung out for a while the other day and something was off. It was like I had to think about what I did, what I said. It felt so wrong. And I dont know how to change things and get them back to what it was. Or even if I should. Dont get me wrong, I'm glad were talking again, but its just ...off. What am I gonna go? I just dont know. *sigh* Its like our freindship, our really good freindship is a thing of the past, and I dont know how to handle that. I dont want it to be over, I want my best friend back. But I just dont know if thats possible, or how.
Crap! I'm crying again, I haven't cried in a while. Shit. I hate doing this. Ugh, I really hope no one reads this. I did say that I was gonna stop writing on this, so maybe I'm safe. Cause I dont wanna make Matt feel bad. This isnt his fault. Its my problem, my inability to change and accept change. I really need to find a way to deal with things better. I just feel, left behind. Matt's got the FCC and Shaffer who he goes on this walks with. Sam has Marina. Emily's got Bess and Donna, Tracy has Brody and I have.....
And what I hate most about this is that I have no right to feel this way. I have friends and what not, I'm just being stupid. But I can't stop it. Its like I have no control overmyself or anything anymore. *sigh* And I hate being out of control. I hate feeling confused, lost and weak. I need to have control over something. Like in 5th grade when I had no freinds, I had control over that. I forced people away, it was my choice. I could have changed it when I wanted. I have to have control over something. And I'm starting to get afraid. Afraid of what I might resort to to have conrtol over something. Anything.
Alura - 7:05 PM