[::..1st Post..::]
Well, this is my 1st post. I can't say how often I'll update this seeing as how I plan only to use this as a rant and for my emo-ness. (though with me that can be alot) Thing is, I can't use my Xanga b/c everyone knows about that. No one (or very few) will know about this.
Currently:
Depressed and hiding it well. I'm in love with my best friend (whos also my ex-boyfriend) who has admitted to having some feelings for me, but not enough to make a difference. I can respect that, but it doesn't instantly make me over him. And hes has other freinds other then our group of friends that he spend a lot of time with and half the time I'm afraid that he'll realize I'm not worthy of being his friend and that the FCC (Freaky Chorus Cult. I made up the name) can offer him so much more. With them he doesnt have to worry about "leading me on." And they share a lot more things in common with him then I do. I just know that one day my inability to move on will cause him to give up on me and finally go with the FCC. Any logical person would. And recently, I've barely even seen him. At least we used to sit together in the morning but now he wont sit with us because Marina body slammed him into a locker. Thanks a lot Marina! (not that I'm mad at her of him, its more that I'm mad at the situation of him being with the FCC more then me, even though I cant dominate his time. I just miss him. Is that so bad?)
My parents (my mom and step-dad that is the only dad I've ever really known) are getting a divorce. I still care about The German (my soon to me ex-stop-dad) but he cheated on my mom and hes a bipolar asshole. Now my mom has a new boyfreind, Troy. I like Troy and all and he makes my mom happy, but still, its a lot to get used to.
My mother is nuts. One second shes yelling as me the next shes like "Guess what Doug said at work today." She cant make up her mind. My old 5th grade fears of my mother not loving me are coming back. (I was depressed and suidical in 5th grade). She drives me nuts. She expects too much. I'm sorry mother, if I decide not to wash a pot before bed because I got off work at 10, did homework till 1 and decided that I wanted to get the foreign thing called "sleep." I'm sorry I forgot to tell you were out of dishwashing stuff. Is that a reason to not let me go to a party that I had been looking forward to for over a month? A party that was gonna be my only social time because I spend all my time at work or doing homework?
My friends are crazy. Dont get me wrong, I love them I do. (In the non-freaky sexual sorta way. well, except for one..... lol) But they are psyco!! Nuts! Mad! Out of thier minds! One second were all good friends. Then we find out the one secret hates another and no one talks for a while. I mean God! All we do is ignore the problem for the most part and pretend it isn't happening. Even when we have an Intervention. (what we call our group talks)
And to add insult to injury, my job sucks. I work at Subway for minimum wage and a really annoying boss. It sucks up all my time and I don't get home till after 10 most nights. Then I have a shit load of homework to do so I'm up till at least 1 am trying to do it all. So my average amount of sleep is 4 1/2 hours. Not much.
So I dont sleep, I'm stressed and I usually dont eat well or at all. I constantly have a pounding headache, I can't see straight have the time, and I black out for a few minutes at a time everyonce in a while. My mother is crazy and semi-bipolar, my soon to be ex-step-dad is constantly at the back of my mind, and my siblings drive me up a wall. My freinds are stressful and nuts, and I'm madly in love with my best freind to the point that sometimes when sittine next to him I get naughty mental images of things I'd like to do to hime and or have him do to me. (Yes i'm a perv!) And this is all despite the fact that a) he doesnt want me, b) its been over a year and a half, and c) I've tried very, very hard to move on. I'm currently starting to consider myself to be between best freinds. (Between Matt and the next one, that is.) And I'm lonely and feel unloved and used by everyone. Everyone wants something, but no one bothers to see if its convenient for me. No one ever seems to care.
So hello and welcome to my life. This is just the tip of the iceburg. Theres still my occasional suicidal thoughts, crying myself to sleep most nights, my past history with depression, my biological father (all he really did was give some sperm) and intense inner rage to talk about. But I dont wanna give you too much to deal with right off the bat.
Hope this makes you appriceiate your life more.
Currently:
Depressed and hiding it well. I'm in love with my best friend (whos also my ex-boyfriend) who has admitted to having some feelings for me, but not enough to make a difference. I can respect that, but it doesn't instantly make me over him. And hes has other freinds other then our group of friends that he spend a lot of time with and half the time I'm afraid that he'll realize I'm not worthy of being his friend and that the FCC (Freaky Chorus Cult. I made up the name) can offer him so much more. With them he doesnt have to worry about "leading me on." And they share a lot more things in common with him then I do. I just know that one day my inability to move on will cause him to give up on me and finally go with the FCC. Any logical person would. And recently, I've barely even seen him. At least we used to sit together in the morning but now he wont sit with us because Marina body slammed him into a locker. Thanks a lot Marina! (not that I'm mad at her of him, its more that I'm mad at the situation of him being with the FCC more then me, even though I cant dominate his time. I just miss him. Is that so bad?)
My parents (my mom and step-dad that is the only dad I've ever really known) are getting a divorce. I still care about The German (my soon to me ex-stop-dad) but he cheated on my mom and hes a bipolar asshole. Now my mom has a new boyfreind, Troy. I like Troy and all and he makes my mom happy, but still, its a lot to get used to.
My mother is nuts. One second shes yelling as me the next shes like "Guess what Doug said at work today." She cant make up her mind. My old 5th grade fears of my mother not loving me are coming back. (I was depressed and suidical in 5th grade). She drives me nuts. She expects too much. I'm sorry mother, if I decide not to wash a pot before bed because I got off work at 10, did homework till 1 and decided that I wanted to get the foreign thing called "sleep." I'm sorry I forgot to tell you were out of dishwashing stuff. Is that a reason to not let me go to a party that I had been looking forward to for over a month? A party that was gonna be my only social time because I spend all my time at work or doing homework?
My friends are crazy. Dont get me wrong, I love them I do. (In the non-freaky sexual sorta way. well, except for one..... lol) But they are psyco!! Nuts! Mad! Out of thier minds! One second were all good friends. Then we find out the one secret hates another and no one talks for a while. I mean God! All we do is ignore the problem for the most part and pretend it isn't happening. Even when we have an Intervention. (what we call our group talks)
And to add insult to injury, my job sucks. I work at Subway for minimum wage and a really annoying boss. It sucks up all my time and I don't get home till after 10 most nights. Then I have a shit load of homework to do so I'm up till at least 1 am trying to do it all. So my average amount of sleep is 4 1/2 hours. Not much.
So I dont sleep, I'm stressed and I usually dont eat well or at all. I constantly have a pounding headache, I can't see straight have the time, and I black out for a few minutes at a time everyonce in a while. My mother is crazy and semi-bipolar, my soon to be ex-step-dad is constantly at the back of my mind, and my siblings drive me up a wall. My freinds are stressful and nuts, and I'm madly in love with my best freind to the point that sometimes when sittine next to him I get naughty mental images of things I'd like to do to hime and or have him do to me. (Yes i'm a perv!) And this is all despite the fact that a) he doesnt want me, b) its been over a year and a half, and c) I've tried very, very hard to move on. I'm currently starting to consider myself to be between best freinds. (Between Matt and the next one, that is.) And I'm lonely and feel unloved and used by everyone. Everyone wants something, but no one bothers to see if its convenient for me. No one ever seems to care.
So hello and welcome to my life. This is just the tip of the iceburg. Theres still my occasional suicidal thoughts, crying myself to sleep most nights, my past history with depression, my biological father (all he really did was give some sperm) and intense inner rage to talk about. But I dont wanna give you too much to deal with right off the bat.
Hope this makes you appriceiate your life more.
Alura - 11:20 PM