[::..Death..::]
Well, today was shitty. A student at school died over the weekend, so the mood today at school was bad. But it really made me think. Made me realize my own mortality. At one point during the day, at work, all I could think about was how I wish it had been me. Death. Such an elusive dream of mine. It wouldn't matter if I were dead anyway. A ton, I mean a ton of people were upset today, people that barely even knew her. I couldn't help but be somewhat happy during this whole thing, so have so many people love you, to have so many people moarn your death. If that announcement had been about me, the reaction would have been, "there's a student named Jessica Rhodes at this school?" No one, but my immediate friends would have cared. And only just barely too. It wouldn't have changed much. In fact it would have been for the better. God, I wish it had been me. I'm expendable, I haven't made a difference, made an impression upon peoples lives, not like Kathryn did. I've done nothing worthy of note. So why am I still here? Why did someone who so many people obviously cared about, get taken away, when I'm left here. What was the point?
But in my mussings, I also realized something else. A tiny part of me, a very obnoxious part, wants to live. Wants to keep going. It wants to keep living in hope that maybe one day I will be so loved that my death will matter. It wants to continue going on praying that someone cares. Just one person. I hate that part of me. But I love it too. God, I'm so confusing. I dont know what I want. What I feel. I dont know who I am. I'm angry all the time and I take it out on the people that I love like hanging up on Matt today. I dont know what I've become. I dont know where the front I put on ends and I begin. I want to die, yet I want to live on. I feel so angry, alone and sad, but still I smile and laugh with my peers. What's the real me? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? I need help. I can't do this anymore. I'm shaking, crying, I can barely type. I need a friend. My best freind. If he even wants to be anymore. I just dont know. I dont know anything. Please someone help me. I can't do it myself. I'm not strong enough. I'm weak, so very weak. Isn't there someway to make this end? Make it go away? Help me! I can't go on. What's my reason for living? I'm not sure anymore. I barely know my name. I wanna be happy, I really do. But I'm so alone. So tired. So afraid. I want to open up to someone, but I've taught myself for so long to keep it locked up, I'm not sure I know how. Typing this is one thing. Its like writing for me. I can express myself in written word. But I've trained so long to stop the words I really want to say, the emotions I really feel, from coming out, that I'm not sure I know how to. And so, I remain utterly alone. Isn't it ironic? I pushed people away so much so that they couldn't hurt me, that when I need them, I can't get the help I need cause I'm not used to being open with people. My defense mechanism is biting me in the ass. Everything is biting me in the ass. I know nothing. Not who I am, not who my friends are. Nothing.
Why wasn't it me, why!? My death would have caused so much less strife, so much less trouble. So why am I still here? Do that Fates hate me so much that they would ruin the lives of others, take away a child from thier parent, a freidns from their group, a student from their school, just to keep me living? So keep punishing me? But maybe I should be happy. That tiny part of me that wants to live should be at least. God, I dont make sense. I dont even know myself. How can I expect someone else to. How can I expect anyone to help me? To care.
I just wish.....
God! I dont know what I wish. I dont know anything.
But in my mussings, I also realized something else. A tiny part of me, a very obnoxious part, wants to live. Wants to keep going. It wants to keep living in hope that maybe one day I will be so loved that my death will matter. It wants to continue going on praying that someone cares. Just one person. I hate that part of me. But I love it too. God, I'm so confusing. I dont know what I want. What I feel. I dont know who I am. I'm angry all the time and I take it out on the people that I love like hanging up on Matt today. I dont know what I've become. I dont know where the front I put on ends and I begin. I want to die, yet I want to live on. I feel so angry, alone and sad, but still I smile and laugh with my peers. What's the real me? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? I need help. I can't do this anymore. I'm shaking, crying, I can barely type. I need a friend. My best freind. If he even wants to be anymore. I just dont know. I dont know anything. Please someone help me. I can't do it myself. I'm not strong enough. I'm weak, so very weak. Isn't there someway to make this end? Make it go away? Help me! I can't go on. What's my reason for living? I'm not sure anymore. I barely know my name. I wanna be happy, I really do. But I'm so alone. So tired. So afraid. I want to open up to someone, but I've taught myself for so long to keep it locked up, I'm not sure I know how. Typing this is one thing. Its like writing for me. I can express myself in written word. But I've trained so long to stop the words I really want to say, the emotions I really feel, from coming out, that I'm not sure I know how to. And so, I remain utterly alone. Isn't it ironic? I pushed people away so much so that they couldn't hurt me, that when I need them, I can't get the help I need cause I'm not used to being open with people. My defense mechanism is biting me in the ass. Everything is biting me in the ass. I know nothing. Not who I am, not who my friends are. Nothing.
Why wasn't it me, why!? My death would have caused so much less strife, so much less trouble. So why am I still here? Do that Fates hate me so much that they would ruin the lives of others, take away a child from thier parent, a freidns from their group, a student from their school, just to keep me living? So keep punishing me? But maybe I should be happy. That tiny part of me that wants to live should be at least. God, I dont make sense. I dont even know myself. How can I expect someone else to. How can I expect anyone to help me? To care.
I just wish.....
God! I dont know what I wish. I dont know anything.
Alura - 1:12 AM