[::..OW..::]
Ow. It hurts. Everything. Everything hurts. All of this pain, it just wont go away. Everytime I think it may stop, there it is again. With a vengence. And each times it kills a little more of me. Takes a way a little more of my resolve to keep going. Keep living. I can't keep doing this. Why am I? I mean, I hate my life. I have what I've been. I hate everything that's happened to me in the last few years. I just wanna go back. Why can't I? I wanna go back to junior high. I was so happy then. Genuinly happy. Not the false happy I put on when I'm around people, but really happy. I was care free. I liked living. I wanted to live. But not anymore. I just can't stand it. Everyone I care about is slowly leaving me. Whether they mean to or not, or even whether they know it or not, they are. Slowly, but surely, they leaving me. I feel it. The distance bewteen my friends and I. I feel so utterly alone. Unloved. I dont wanna do this anymore. I dont wanna live anymore. What is there for me? Nothing. Why would there be? Its just me. Just Jessica Rhodes. I feel so useless. Its like all I can eve do is cry. I can't even say I'm good at keeping myself under control anymore. I've lost that. The one thing, the only thing I was good at. Pretending the pain didn't exist. Now its consuming me. And I'm loosing. I can't win this. I'm not strong enough. Hell, I can't even ask for help. It wont matter. Why disrupt the lives of those I care about, just to get them to help me in a loosing battle? Why do I keep going? There's no point. I should have just done it. I should have just killed myself way back then in 5th grade. That day I had the razor blades in my hands, I should have done it. God, I remember that day vividly. I was sitting in my room, with a bunch of large paper bag beneath me, my note on my desk and the razor blade held veritcally to my wrist so I'd hit more of the vein. I can remember what I was wearing too. A black shirt with little flowers wround the collar, and a pair of dark blue jeans. I had put the bags there so their wouldn't be much to clean, and I had cleaned my house from top to bottom to save my parents the trouble. I mean, even if they didn't love me, I still cared for them, and I wanted to make their lives easier. And do you know what stopped me? Why I didn't just slice and be done? The phone rang. My mother of course. She wanted me to wash a load of clothes. The one thing I hadn't cleaned. I had left a bunch of clothes in the basement. And so, being the desperate person I was, being the person that always did anything she could hoping to get a little bit of praise, I stopped what I had planned to go down there and put a load of clothes in the washer. Isn't that sad? Then, the German came home. He usually didn't come home early, but for once he did. Just my luck right? I can't even kill myself because fate was still conspiring against me. lol That's almost funny. Like one of those times where you either cry of laugh. But then again, I'm already crying so what does it matter. I was so good at hiding things back then. They never knew I was depressed, never knew I was suicidal. Still dont know even. I hid everything so well. And then, I started junior high. And the strangest thing happened. I made friends. And it was a rough year, my 6th grade year. I mean, I had spent so long pushing people away so they couldnt hurt me, that I had to re-learn social skills. But I did and my 7th and 8th grade years were so happy. I made great friends, had a ton of fun. The *Nsync dance, goofing off, meeting Matt, Tracy, Shaffer. I was happy to be alive. Almost glad, that I didn't kill myself. And then high school started and it all went back down hill. I tried dating and we all know how that turned out. I was so miserable. The two weeks after that break up were some of the worst of my life. I spent those weeks doing nothing but crying. I hardly eat. And when I did, I ate chocolate. I think in that two week time period, I only ate one full meal. I barelly slept. I stayed up and cried, and usually around 2 am I cry myself to sleep. Only to wake up in an hour crying again. And do you know why I had that reaction? It was just that I was dumped, but because it was my best freind that did it. I thought I had lost my best friend. I didn't think we'd be able to go back to being freinds. I felt so alone and I had no one to talk to. I mean who was I supposed to go to? The best friend that had just dumped me? God, I felt so alone then. And the break up wasn't the only reason. My parents were arguing non-stop then too. By the end of my freshman year they were going to get divorced. But they decided to stay together and Matt and I somehow managed to stay freinds. So my more or less numb 10th year started. All that really happened then was a year long denial of my feelings. I pretended not to care that I hardely saw Matt, I pretened not to care that I was miserable and that my again arging parents were getting to me. I drowned myself in fan fics, and video games. It was like my 5th grade year again. Except relying on anime, I relied on fics and games. Seeing a fic update was one of the few things that put a true smile on my face. I was beginning to loose my will to live. I knew what was coming next, I felt it coming, much as I tried to ignore it. Tried to pretend I didn't care. What was coming you ask? This. Depression. Sadness. Loneliness. Pain. Tears. Sucidal thoughts. They're back and they're making up for lost time. I dont wanna do this anymore. I can't. I'm barely hanging on. I can hardly keep my pain hidden at school, its that strong. I just wanna die? My life isn't worh this much pain? It's not worth much of anything. Not anymore. I've lost everything. Slowly but surely, I'm loosing it all. I dont even know if I'll be able to last till winer break at this level. I'm using all the strength I have, but I'm running out. I barely have anything to hang on to anymore. The only way I'm holding now is by turning my emotions into anger. I can handle that better then anything. But I'm gonna snap. I'm gonna loose it. So why not end it? Why not? What's stopping me? Why should I keep going?
Alura - 3:51 PM