[::..Again..::]
I'm crying again. After I thought that I finally wouldn't cry over anything to do with him, spare death, ever again. Here I sit, crying my eyes out. I never meant to hurt him. Never. There are so many things I want to say to him. To make him understand. I do see his side, but he doesnt see mine. At least not all of it. So many things. So very many. So many regrets. So many wrongs I've commited. So many things that I would die to take back. So many things. So very many.
I
I've been lying. Lying to everyone, even myself. I thought I was fine, that things were better. When really all I did was what I did in 5th grade. Fill my life with anime. I had hoped, like he did, that everything would go back to normal given a few days. But it didnt. I was left with a gap so wide, so vast that I needed more and more anime to fill it with. I even started Operation Tracy to distract myself from it. But what I really need is my best friend back.
Please God, let it not be real. Let me wake up tomorrow and have it all be a dream. Let me wake up tomorrow and have it be the first day of High School. Then I can start over, clean slate. Please let it all have been a dream made up by my over active imagination. Cause if its not, I dont know what I'll do.
I
I've been lying. Lying to everyone, even myself. I thought I was fine, that things were better. When really all I did was what I did in 5th grade. Fill my life with anime. I had hoped, like he did, that everything would go back to normal given a few days. But it didnt. I was left with a gap so wide, so vast that I needed more and more anime to fill it with. I even started Operation Tracy to distract myself from it. But what I really need is my best friend back.
Please God, let it not be real. Let me wake up tomorrow and have it all be a dream. Let me wake up tomorrow and have it be the first day of High School. Then I can start over, clean slate. Please let it all have been a dream made up by my over active imagination. Cause if its not, I dont know what I'll do.
Alura - 10:35 PM
[::..At Least For Now..::]
Ugh! Alright do you people see why I dont tell you guys shit. Why I dont talk about my problems till you drag them out of me. I volunteerily tell you all something I've been feeling and *boom* I'm branded the most uber bitch ever. Now Matt's trying to guilt trip me or something. Make me feel bad that I hurt him. Right, because he never once did anything like that to me. Not once. Whatever. I should have kept this to myself. Not said a thing and just dealt with it. *deep breath* I'm calm now. I swear. Riiight! *more deep breaths* I give up. At least for now. Besides, he didn't even want to talk to me when I tried to explain to him what I was feeling. I thought it the right thing to do, to tell him. But w/e. Never mind then.
Alura - 8:55 PM
Monday, January 23, 2006
[::..Disgust..::]
Alright, since Tracy requested that I update this and since I had a bit of a revelation today during Potions, I'm going to update. But heres my disclaimer: Read it all! This is one of those posts that must be read all the way through (no skimming, no skipping) for the full meaning to take effect. I can not be held liable for those that are insulted or confused by this post if you do not read it all the way through. So heres the story. I was walking into Chem class...
Alright so I wanted into my new 4th hour Chem class with Reh. The first person I see is Matt and I go to sit with him. Akward silence. It hit me that we have virtually nothing to talk about. Nothing in common. Nothing! And he disgusts me. Not in the I hate him or he smells kinda way. But in the I have no feeling toward him what so ever and the very thought of him and having those feeling is just gross. I also realized that I sat with him, not because I wanted to, but because it was the "right thing to do." I even offered to move so Martucci could sit next to him, and I was actually slightly disappointed that he decided to do the "right thing" as well and say that it didn't matter. Then when Reh told us she was moving us, my insides did a little jig because I was safely out of that akward situation without having to seem like a bitch.
Ok, I know that sounds uber, uber bitchy and just plain mean. But please allow me to explain further. I dont hate Matt, certainly not. But I dont see a friendship anymore. I mean, now that I'm over him I'm left to wonder why were freinds. Before I tried so hard to remain his freind because I didn't want to lose the person I loved. But now... I dunno. We have pretty much zilch in common anymore. We're really more like aquantences (sp) then anything else. There just nothing anymore. And it feels like (at least to me), were both trying to do the "right thing" and remain friends, or pretend to be friends, even if thats not the truth.
And I mean, a part of me is very sad. He was a big part of my life for a long time. The change is sad and will take some getting used to. But I just dont see a reason to struggle to remain freinds, or keep up a shurade. (sp) And its kinda sad to not be in love anymore. Being in love is such an amazing feeling. Its crazy. Wonderful and horrible at the same time. Painfull and painless, joyful and sad. Not being that way after feeling it for so long is a bit depressing, but like I said, he disgusts me.
Ok, let me explain. When I see him, or hear him, or think of him, or even smell him, I'm grossed out. Its like all the things I used to love now make me sick. The very thought of having once loved him, makes me sick. And yes folks his smell too. Its like the pheremones (sp) that used to be a turn on for me, are now making me ready to puke. (Again, I'm not saying that Matt smells.) My mother says this is normal. That after moving on is disgust, then after that disbelieve, (like OMG I cant believe I dated him, I can't have.) and then a mellowing out to the point that you dont care.
My delima is this. Do I fight to try and keep/regain a freindship that has really and truely been lost for over a year? Or do I just give up, keep our aquantence satus, and stay with the people I've gotten close to recently? (Marina, Sammy, Natalie, Emily, Shaffer. Yay anime nights.) I dunno. I mean, (and I know this sounds wrong but oh well.) I just feels as if he isn't giving me a reason to maintain/regain a freindship with him. Its like I'm not seeing the benefits of all this. I dunno. Hmmm... I'm gonna have to give this some more thought. But let me just say one more time, this is not me being mean or malicious. Its just how I'm feeling currently and I thought you all might need/like to know.
ttyl and later days,
---Rhodes
"Now I see the light
It shines so bright'
Cause I know I'll find a man
Who will treat me right"
---Blu Cantrell, Waste My Time, So Blu
Alright so I wanted into my new 4th hour Chem class with Reh. The first person I see is Matt and I go to sit with him. Akward silence. It hit me that we have virtually nothing to talk about. Nothing in common. Nothing! And he disgusts me. Not in the I hate him or he smells kinda way. But in the I have no feeling toward him what so ever and the very thought of him and having those feeling is just gross. I also realized that I sat with him, not because I wanted to, but because it was the "right thing to do." I even offered to move so Martucci could sit next to him, and I was actually slightly disappointed that he decided to do the "right thing" as well and say that it didn't matter. Then when Reh told us she was moving us, my insides did a little jig because I was safely out of that akward situation without having to seem like a bitch.
Ok, I know that sounds uber, uber bitchy and just plain mean. But please allow me to explain further. I dont hate Matt, certainly not. But I dont see a friendship anymore. I mean, now that I'm over him I'm left to wonder why were freinds. Before I tried so hard to remain his freind because I didn't want to lose the person I loved. But now... I dunno. We have pretty much zilch in common anymore. We're really more like aquantences (sp) then anything else. There just nothing anymore. And it feels like (at least to me), were both trying to do the "right thing" and remain friends, or pretend to be friends, even if thats not the truth.
And I mean, a part of me is very sad. He was a big part of my life for a long time. The change is sad and will take some getting used to. But I just dont see a reason to struggle to remain freinds, or keep up a shurade. (sp) And its kinda sad to not be in love anymore. Being in love is such an amazing feeling. Its crazy. Wonderful and horrible at the same time. Painfull and painless, joyful and sad. Not being that way after feeling it for so long is a bit depressing, but like I said, he disgusts me.
Ok, let me explain. When I see him, or hear him, or think of him, or even smell him, I'm grossed out. Its like all the things I used to love now make me sick. The very thought of having once loved him, makes me sick. And yes folks his smell too. Its like the pheremones (sp) that used to be a turn on for me, are now making me ready to puke. (Again, I'm not saying that Matt smells.) My mother says this is normal. That after moving on is disgust, then after that disbelieve, (like OMG I cant believe I dated him, I can't have.) and then a mellowing out to the point that you dont care.
My delima is this. Do I fight to try and keep/regain a freindship that has really and truely been lost for over a year? Or do I just give up, keep our aquantence satus, and stay with the people I've gotten close to recently? (Marina, Sammy, Natalie, Emily, Shaffer. Yay anime nights.) I dunno. I mean, (and I know this sounds wrong but oh well.) I just feels as if he isn't giving me a reason to maintain/regain a freindship with him. Its like I'm not seeing the benefits of all this. I dunno. Hmmm... I'm gonna have to give this some more thought. But let me just say one more time, this is not me being mean or malicious. Its just how I'm feeling currently and I thought you all might need/like to know.
ttyl and later days,
---Rhodes
"Now I see the light
It shines so bright'
Cause I know I'll find a man
Who will treat me right"
---Blu Cantrell, Waste My Time, So Blu
Alura - 11:53 PM
Sunday, January 08, 2006
[::..Free At Last..::]
Alright, how to start, how to start. First let me just say that this is good. It may sound emo or even heartless at times, but overall its good. I beg you, that if you start to read this, that you read it all! Otherwise you'll miss something. All right I'll start with yesterday at work. Once upon a time at Subway.....
Well, it was Friday night, payday and a couple of people came in to get their checks, including .... Tom! And let me just say one thing. OMFG!!! Hot, hot and more hot. He's even got this ghotee thing going on, and his clothes, oh! He was wearing this kickass swede jacket and.... Ok, back on topic. *blush* Tom came in and I was completely smitten by his hotness. He stayed a few mins, made chit chat with Bryan and I and then left. So I go to sit after he leaves and I'm just staring off into space. It was so bad that Bryan actually asked me, with real concern in his voice, if I was ok. lol.
While completely zonked out, I was think. a) Tom is H-O-T-T-T!! b) I have a completely physical, superficial crush on him c) Because its just a crush and there's no real emotion involved, that means little to no heart ache and d) Fin-a-fucking-ly!!!! Because you see, a feeling like I'm experiencing with Tom is something I haven't felt, haven't been able to feel since Junior High. Its similar to my old crush on Ken Thomas. Just a superficial crush on a good looking guy. (Though Tom is hotter.) I haven't been able to feel this way about anyone since 9th grade, around the time the Fiasco between Matt and I started. And to be able to feel this way about another guy means one thing. I'm moving on. Not just saying I'm moving on, not just hoping I'm moving on, but really actually moving on. Hell, I think I'm pretty much moved!
Take the other day as an example. Matt was supposed to give me the Chem homework in the morning, but he never showed. You see before, I would have freaked. I would have thought that Matt was doing this to hurt me, or that I had done something wrong and then I would have started crying and feel betrayed and alone and just a lot of emo shit. But that didn't happen. While it was annoying that I had to rush and do the Chem myself, I didn't really care. Ok, another example. Matt sat next to me the other morning. Normally I would have freaked with thoughts of how much I love him and blah, blah blah. My only thoughts then? 'Uh, your heads really close to mine (he was trying to look at Sam's camera at the same time as me) Wanna move it?' In other words, no emotion! I saw him and it was like eh! Instead of my usual rush of emotion. There's nothing! Nada, Zip. Hell I don't even care if we remain friends!
Ok, let me explain that last line. I know it sounded horribly evil, but its not!!!!!!! What I meant was that my existence, my happiness, no longer depends on our friendship remaining intact. Dont get me wrong, loosing a friend, or even just drifting from a friend hurts, esp with the history that Matt and I have. But its no longer a big deal. Before, if we hadn't remained friends I would have somehow blamed it on myself. I did the wrong thing, couldn't' move on, acted too emo, etc. And thus I would have hated myself and been miserable. Now? Well if we don't remain friends, while saddening, I can accept it as a natural part of our relationship. We hated each other, became friends, tried dating, fought hard to stay close, but in the end, drifted away. We learned a lot from each other along the way, shared many great memories, and made each other into the person they are today. Because we've known each other, we've been changed for good. (Intended musical reference.) We've shared a bond I wont soon forget and I doubt he will either. I'm not saying I'm giving up. I most certainly do still care about Matt as a friend, and do wish to remain his friend. But I no longer am trying to stay friends with him so that I can have him near me, or in hope that we might get back together. Matt's no longer what he used to be, my reason for existence.
I can best describe how I used to feel by quoting an Evanescence song, Anything For You:
I'll believe
All your lies
Just pretend you love me
Make believe
Close your eyes
I'll be anything for you
I used to be at the point where all I wanted was Matt's attention and anything else was fine. I was that desperate to have him in my life somehow. I know that sound pathetic, but there's a very good reason why. It takes a bit of diverging from our original topic into painful memories, but I'll give it a try. Back in 5th grade I was depressed, suicidal. You all know this. Well, I felt and believed the typical things one experiencing those emotions felt. Worthless, ugly, stupid, and anything of the like. I worked very hard duing Junior High to build for myself a better self-image. I managed it pretty well, I began to become confident in my intelligence, social skills, and just all around worth. But never my looks or personality. Never those two. Thus I instantly fell for the 1st person to show real interest in me. Matt. I always knew Matt had a bit of a crush on me and I used that as a way to make myself feel good about my self. It worked for a while, that is until the break up. Suddenly, (ok not so suddenly) he wasn't interested anymore. And if he wasn't who would be? Or at least that's how my thinking went. Who would want a short, fat, emo, rude, bitch? I know this sounds like I'm trying to make you pity me, I'm not. I'm just trying to make you all understand what I've been going through that past almost two years. I'm trying to make you see why I never moved on, why I clung so very tightly and why I was so easily broken.
What's changed all this? Several thing actually. 1) Troy, 2) Personality Changes, 3) Recent Events
Troy-
Troy is great! The German with his constant bi-polar ness never made me feel particularly good about myself. The opposite actually. But Troy is the type of person that is always saying something nice. Talking to him, (more him talking and me listening) has built my self-confidence so much! His constant reminder that I can get better, that I deserve better, that I'm pretty, and that any guy would be lucky to have me is just the thing I've missed in my life for so long.
Personality Changes-
On this count I don't mean my own personality changes. I'm not saying that I haven't changed, but I'm talking about Matt's changes, not mine. He's simply not the same person that he was in Junior High, or in 9th grade. In other words, he's not the person I fell in love with. I fell in love with Matthew James, the wonderful, sweet boy that always put me first. I fell in love with Matthew James that had no confidence in his ability to sing and in himself and thus I had to coach on how to be happy with himself, always remind him that I was his friend for who he was. Matt's no longer that person. He's just that, Matt. Matt's the one that broke my heart, strayed off to his other friends, and did things (sometimes purposefully) to piss me off and hurt me. I'm not saying that Matt's a complete jerk, but that certain something that was there, that I fell in love with is gone. I had hoped it would come back, but its not going to. And thus I can't love him anymore. He's not the same person. I will always be in love with Matthew James, first love and never forgetting and all that crap. But that something is gone, and I've moved on.
Recent Events-
My birthday being of the main two. Our convo last week being the other. Him ditching me on my birthday, what ever his reasons, hurt like a bitch. He lied to me, to my face! He told me he would do something with me, and then did something with someone else. On my birthday. All I could think was that he didn't care about me. And that he was using me, taking advantage of me. He knew that I loved him and thus was doing whatever he pleased just because I'd keep coming back. It was at that point that I realized he just wasn't the same person. Its also when Troy started talking me up. Then our convo last week. He admitted my worst fear. That what I said previously was true. He did do things and not think about how they would effect me because I would in the end get over it because of my feelings for him. Hearing him say that hurt like no other. But I needed to hear it because a)It's what Matt really thinks of me and b)I realized that not only is Matthew James gone, but gone for good. And that's when the past of the love I was holding onto dissipated. It was the evanescence of my love. Finally!
So what this entire, uber long entry means is that I've finally moved on. And finally taken care of one of the major problems in my life. Finally!! I'm finally free of at least one burden. My life isn't perfect, but that one burden held me back from so much, pushed me down so far..... To not have it makes me feel as if I can soar. I feel like flying, like my tears of joy are healing my old wounds, like my glorious song is filling my heart with hope of a better future. *takes a deep breath* Free at last, free at last. Thank God almightily I'm free at last!
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes aka The un caged Phoenix.
But since you been goneI can breathe for the first time
---Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone, Breakaway.
Well, it was Friday night, payday and a couple of people came in to get their checks, including .... Tom! And let me just say one thing. OMFG!!! Hot, hot and more hot. He's even got this ghotee thing going on, and his clothes, oh! He was wearing this kickass swede jacket and.... Ok, back on topic. *blush* Tom came in and I was completely smitten by his hotness. He stayed a few mins, made chit chat with Bryan and I and then left. So I go to sit after he leaves and I'm just staring off into space. It was so bad that Bryan actually asked me, with real concern in his voice, if I was ok. lol.
While completely zonked out, I was think. a) Tom is H-O-T-T-T!! b) I have a completely physical, superficial crush on him c) Because its just a crush and there's no real emotion involved, that means little to no heart ache and d) Fin-a-fucking-ly!!!! Because you see, a feeling like I'm experiencing with Tom is something I haven't felt, haven't been able to feel since Junior High. Its similar to my old crush on Ken Thomas. Just a superficial crush on a good looking guy. (Though Tom is hotter.) I haven't been able to feel this way about anyone since 9th grade, around the time the Fiasco between Matt and I started. And to be able to feel this way about another guy means one thing. I'm moving on. Not just saying I'm moving on, not just hoping I'm moving on, but really actually moving on. Hell, I think I'm pretty much moved!
Take the other day as an example. Matt was supposed to give me the Chem homework in the morning, but he never showed. You see before, I would have freaked. I would have thought that Matt was doing this to hurt me, or that I had done something wrong and then I would have started crying and feel betrayed and alone and just a lot of emo shit. But that didn't happen. While it was annoying that I had to rush and do the Chem myself, I didn't really care. Ok, another example. Matt sat next to me the other morning. Normally I would have freaked with thoughts of how much I love him and blah, blah blah. My only thoughts then? 'Uh, your heads really close to mine (he was trying to look at Sam's camera at the same time as me) Wanna move it?' In other words, no emotion! I saw him and it was like eh! Instead of my usual rush of emotion. There's nothing! Nada, Zip. Hell I don't even care if we remain friends!
Ok, let me explain that last line. I know it sounded horribly evil, but its not!!!!!!! What I meant was that my existence, my happiness, no longer depends on our friendship remaining intact. Dont get me wrong, loosing a friend, or even just drifting from a friend hurts, esp with the history that Matt and I have. But its no longer a big deal. Before, if we hadn't remained friends I would have somehow blamed it on myself. I did the wrong thing, couldn't' move on, acted too emo, etc. And thus I would have hated myself and been miserable. Now? Well if we don't remain friends, while saddening, I can accept it as a natural part of our relationship. We hated each other, became friends, tried dating, fought hard to stay close, but in the end, drifted away. We learned a lot from each other along the way, shared many great memories, and made each other into the person they are today. Because we've known each other, we've been changed for good. (Intended musical reference.) We've shared a bond I wont soon forget and I doubt he will either. I'm not saying I'm giving up. I most certainly do still care about Matt as a friend, and do wish to remain his friend. But I no longer am trying to stay friends with him so that I can have him near me, or in hope that we might get back together. Matt's no longer what he used to be, my reason for existence.
I can best describe how I used to feel by quoting an Evanescence song, Anything For You:
I'll believe
All your lies
Just pretend you love me
Make believe
Close your eyes
I'll be anything for you
I used to be at the point where all I wanted was Matt's attention and anything else was fine. I was that desperate to have him in my life somehow. I know that sound pathetic, but there's a very good reason why. It takes a bit of diverging from our original topic into painful memories, but I'll give it a try. Back in 5th grade I was depressed, suicidal. You all know this. Well, I felt and believed the typical things one experiencing those emotions felt. Worthless, ugly, stupid, and anything of the like. I worked very hard duing Junior High to build for myself a better self-image. I managed it pretty well, I began to become confident in my intelligence, social skills, and just all around worth. But never my looks or personality. Never those two. Thus I instantly fell for the 1st person to show real interest in me. Matt. I always knew Matt had a bit of a crush on me and I used that as a way to make myself feel good about my self. It worked for a while, that is until the break up. Suddenly, (ok not so suddenly) he wasn't interested anymore. And if he wasn't who would be? Or at least that's how my thinking went. Who would want a short, fat, emo, rude, bitch? I know this sounds like I'm trying to make you pity me, I'm not. I'm just trying to make you all understand what I've been going through that past almost two years. I'm trying to make you see why I never moved on, why I clung so very tightly and why I was so easily broken.
What's changed all this? Several thing actually. 1) Troy, 2) Personality Changes, 3) Recent Events
Troy-
Troy is great! The German with his constant bi-polar ness never made me feel particularly good about myself. The opposite actually. But Troy is the type of person that is always saying something nice. Talking to him, (more him talking and me listening) has built my self-confidence so much! His constant reminder that I can get better, that I deserve better, that I'm pretty, and that any guy would be lucky to have me is just the thing I've missed in my life for so long.
Personality Changes-
On this count I don't mean my own personality changes. I'm not saying that I haven't changed, but I'm talking about Matt's changes, not mine. He's simply not the same person that he was in Junior High, or in 9th grade. In other words, he's not the person I fell in love with. I fell in love with Matthew James, the wonderful, sweet boy that always put me first. I fell in love with Matthew James that had no confidence in his ability to sing and in himself and thus I had to coach on how to be happy with himself, always remind him that I was his friend for who he was. Matt's no longer that person. He's just that, Matt. Matt's the one that broke my heart, strayed off to his other friends, and did things (sometimes purposefully) to piss me off and hurt me. I'm not saying that Matt's a complete jerk, but that certain something that was there, that I fell in love with is gone. I had hoped it would come back, but its not going to. And thus I can't love him anymore. He's not the same person. I will always be in love with Matthew James, first love and never forgetting and all that crap. But that something is gone, and I've moved on.
Recent Events-
My birthday being of the main two. Our convo last week being the other. Him ditching me on my birthday, what ever his reasons, hurt like a bitch. He lied to me, to my face! He told me he would do something with me, and then did something with someone else. On my birthday. All I could think was that he didn't care about me. And that he was using me, taking advantage of me. He knew that I loved him and thus was doing whatever he pleased just because I'd keep coming back. It was at that point that I realized he just wasn't the same person. Its also when Troy started talking me up. Then our convo last week. He admitted my worst fear. That what I said previously was true. He did do things and not think about how they would effect me because I would in the end get over it because of my feelings for him. Hearing him say that hurt like no other. But I needed to hear it because a)It's what Matt really thinks of me and b)I realized that not only is Matthew James gone, but gone for good. And that's when the past of the love I was holding onto dissipated. It was the evanescence of my love. Finally!
So what this entire, uber long entry means is that I've finally moved on. And finally taken care of one of the major problems in my life. Finally!! I'm finally free of at least one burden. My life isn't perfect, but that one burden held me back from so much, pushed me down so far..... To not have it makes me feel as if I can soar. I feel like flying, like my tears of joy are healing my old wounds, like my glorious song is filling my heart with hope of a better future. *takes a deep breath* Free at last, free at last. Thank God almightily I'm free at last!
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes aka The un caged Phoenix.
But since you been goneI can breathe for the first time
---Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone, Breakaway.
Alura - 4:16 AM