[::..Disgust..::]
Alright, since Tracy requested that I update this and since I had a bit of a revelation today during Potions, I'm going to update. But heres my disclaimer: Read it all! This is one of those posts that must be read all the way through (no skimming, no skipping) for the full meaning to take effect. I can not be held liable for those that are insulted or confused by this post if you do not read it all the way through. So heres the story. I was walking into Chem class...
Alright so I wanted into my new 4th hour Chem class with Reh. The first person I see is Matt and I go to sit with him. Akward silence. It hit me that we have virtually nothing to talk about. Nothing in common. Nothing! And he disgusts me. Not in the I hate him or he smells kinda way. But in the I have no feeling toward him what so ever and the very thought of him and having those feeling is just gross. I also realized that I sat with him, not because I wanted to, but because it was the "right thing to do." I even offered to move so Martucci could sit next to him, and I was actually slightly disappointed that he decided to do the "right thing" as well and say that it didn't matter. Then when Reh told us she was moving us, my insides did a little jig because I was safely out of that akward situation without having to seem like a bitch.
Ok, I know that sounds uber, uber bitchy and just plain mean. But please allow me to explain further. I dont hate Matt, certainly not. But I dont see a friendship anymore. I mean, now that I'm over him I'm left to wonder why were freinds. Before I tried so hard to remain his freind because I didn't want to lose the person I loved. But now... I dunno. We have pretty much zilch in common anymore. We're really more like aquantences (sp) then anything else. There just nothing anymore. And it feels like (at least to me), were both trying to do the "right thing" and remain friends, or pretend to be friends, even if thats not the truth.
And I mean, a part of me is very sad. He was a big part of my life for a long time. The change is sad and will take some getting used to. But I just dont see a reason to struggle to remain freinds, or keep up a shurade. (sp) And its kinda sad to not be in love anymore. Being in love is such an amazing feeling. Its crazy. Wonderful and horrible at the same time. Painfull and painless, joyful and sad. Not being that way after feeling it for so long is a bit depressing, but like I said, he disgusts me.
Ok, let me explain. When I see him, or hear him, or think of him, or even smell him, I'm grossed out. Its like all the things I used to love now make me sick. The very thought of having once loved him, makes me sick. And yes folks his smell too. Its like the pheremones (sp) that used to be a turn on for me, are now making me ready to puke. (Again, I'm not saying that Matt smells.) My mother says this is normal. That after moving on is disgust, then after that disbelieve, (like OMG I cant believe I dated him, I can't have.) and then a mellowing out to the point that you dont care.
My delima is this. Do I fight to try and keep/regain a freindship that has really and truely been lost for over a year? Or do I just give up, keep our aquantence satus, and stay with the people I've gotten close to recently? (Marina, Sammy, Natalie, Emily, Shaffer. Yay anime nights.) I dunno. I mean, (and I know this sounds wrong but oh well.) I just feels as if he isn't giving me a reason to maintain/regain a freindship with him. Its like I'm not seeing the benefits of all this. I dunno. Hmmm... I'm gonna have to give this some more thought. But let me just say one more time, this is not me being mean or malicious. Its just how I'm feeling currently and I thought you all might need/like to know.
ttyl and later days,
---Rhodes
"Now I see the light
It shines so bright'
Cause I know I'll find a man
Who will treat me right"
---Blu Cantrell, Waste My Time, So Blu
Alright so I wanted into my new 4th hour Chem class with Reh. The first person I see is Matt and I go to sit with him. Akward silence. It hit me that we have virtually nothing to talk about. Nothing in common. Nothing! And he disgusts me. Not in the I hate him or he smells kinda way. But in the I have no feeling toward him what so ever and the very thought of him and having those feeling is just gross. I also realized that I sat with him, not because I wanted to, but because it was the "right thing to do." I even offered to move so Martucci could sit next to him, and I was actually slightly disappointed that he decided to do the "right thing" as well and say that it didn't matter. Then when Reh told us she was moving us, my insides did a little jig because I was safely out of that akward situation without having to seem like a bitch.
Ok, I know that sounds uber, uber bitchy and just plain mean. But please allow me to explain further. I dont hate Matt, certainly not. But I dont see a friendship anymore. I mean, now that I'm over him I'm left to wonder why were freinds. Before I tried so hard to remain his freind because I didn't want to lose the person I loved. But now... I dunno. We have pretty much zilch in common anymore. We're really more like aquantences (sp) then anything else. There just nothing anymore. And it feels like (at least to me), were both trying to do the "right thing" and remain friends, or pretend to be friends, even if thats not the truth.
And I mean, a part of me is very sad. He was a big part of my life for a long time. The change is sad and will take some getting used to. But I just dont see a reason to struggle to remain freinds, or keep up a shurade. (sp) And its kinda sad to not be in love anymore. Being in love is such an amazing feeling. Its crazy. Wonderful and horrible at the same time. Painfull and painless, joyful and sad. Not being that way after feeling it for so long is a bit depressing, but like I said, he disgusts me.
Ok, let me explain. When I see him, or hear him, or think of him, or even smell him, I'm grossed out. Its like all the things I used to love now make me sick. The very thought of having once loved him, makes me sick. And yes folks his smell too. Its like the pheremones (sp) that used to be a turn on for me, are now making me ready to puke. (Again, I'm not saying that Matt smells.) My mother says this is normal. That after moving on is disgust, then after that disbelieve, (like OMG I cant believe I dated him, I can't have.) and then a mellowing out to the point that you dont care.
My delima is this. Do I fight to try and keep/regain a freindship that has really and truely been lost for over a year? Or do I just give up, keep our aquantence satus, and stay with the people I've gotten close to recently? (Marina, Sammy, Natalie, Emily, Shaffer. Yay anime nights.) I dunno. I mean, (and I know this sounds wrong but oh well.) I just feels as if he isn't giving me a reason to maintain/regain a freindship with him. Its like I'm not seeing the benefits of all this. I dunno. Hmmm... I'm gonna have to give this some more thought. But let me just say one more time, this is not me being mean or malicious. Its just how I'm feeling currently and I thought you all might need/like to know.
ttyl and later days,
---Rhodes
"Now I see the light
It shines so bright'
Cause I know I'll find a man
Who will treat me right"
---Blu Cantrell, Waste My Time, So Blu
Alura - 11:53 PM