[::..Enigma..::]
I hate men. They suck and they confuse me. Especially 19 year old, Vietnamese, Tennis players/coaches that work at Subway. Yeah, The (in)famous Matt Dang, Subway Matt, Asian Matt, MD, however you know him, that's who I'm talking about. Here's an update on that.
Well, we had our mutual excursion. Not a date, but he paid and all and he knew I wanted more then friends, so its was more then just hanging out. Nothing really happened. He walked me to my door and gave me a hug. ^_^
Well after that has just been flirting. Lots of raging hormones (for me at least), flirting, and talking. Lots of talking! Even telling him things that most of my friends don't know. (Sorry guys!) Its the most traumatic event of my life, the root of all my issues, a thing that until a couple of months ago, I never even acknowleged happened, not even to myself. Yet I told him. It came up in convo and he guessed, and I told him he was right. So he knows something that my parents don't even know about me. And now I'm full of questions. Questions, questions, questions.
What does he think?
Does he see me differently?
Does it turn him off?
Does he see me how I've always seen myself because of it?
Does he see me as dirty, tainted and worthless as I've always felt?
Does he see the pain of my childhood seeping into my life now?
Is this gonna make all this harder?
Will he not want to get involved with me now because I have baggage?
Will this turn off all guys I like?
Will I be destined to be alone because of this?
Does any guy deserve to be dragged down by my baggage?
Can I do that to him or anyone?
Is it fair?
Am I worth all that?
And that's not all, he was so sweet about it. He even tried to help me. He said that things like my personal space issues make sense now. And he was so sweet and optimistic. He said that I've already made progress with now hugging my friends and that he's sure that I would get over my issues if I found someone. Like had a boyfriend, fell in love, and found someone I could trust. And when I didnt immediately agree and just told him he was an optimist, he kept asking and insisting that if I had someone I could get over my issues. Of course, that brings more questions.
Is he offering?
Does he really mean that?
Why does he care so much?
Would it be right to take him up on the offer it it was one?
Why did he say that?
Was he trying to tell me that he isn't the one to help me?
Or that he is the one to help?
I just don't know! *sigh* It might have been easier if he weren't so nice. He seems to genuinely care about me. He encourages me to live healthier and listens to me. Grr... I just don't get him!
Why?
Is he interested or not?
Does he even know?
Will be be willing to try something?
Why am I so willing to put my heart on the line for him?
What is it about him that I find to endearing?
Why him?
Why now?
Why not?
I wish I knew the answers. I mean, I love working with him. I love talking to him. I love watching him. I love listening to him. I love sitting in silence with him.
Do I love him?
Is that possible yet?
Am I just obsessed?
Is it just like?
What is it?
Should I even try to define it?
This whole thing is an enigma. He's an enigma. My wonderful, hot, sweet, kinda, torturus little enigma. I hate my enigma. I love my enigma. *sigh* Matt, my enigma. What am I gonna do with you? What am I gonna do with you?
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes
What are you thinking?
Its so misleading.
Is it not for me to know?
I think its just hard for you to show.
---Trapt, Enigma, Trapt
Well, we had our mutual excursion. Not a date, but he paid and all and he knew I wanted more then friends, so its was more then just hanging out. Nothing really happened. He walked me to my door and gave me a hug. ^_^
Well after that has just been flirting. Lots of raging hormones (for me at least), flirting, and talking. Lots of talking! Even telling him things that most of my friends don't know. (Sorry guys!) Its the most traumatic event of my life, the root of all my issues, a thing that until a couple of months ago, I never even acknowleged happened, not even to myself. Yet I told him. It came up in convo and he guessed, and I told him he was right. So he knows something that my parents don't even know about me. And now I'm full of questions. Questions, questions, questions.
What does he think?
Does he see me differently?
Does it turn him off?
Does he see me how I've always seen myself because of it?
Does he see me as dirty, tainted and worthless as I've always felt?
Does he see the pain of my childhood seeping into my life now?
Is this gonna make all this harder?
Will he not want to get involved with me now because I have baggage?
Will this turn off all guys I like?
Will I be destined to be alone because of this?
Does any guy deserve to be dragged down by my baggage?
Can I do that to him or anyone?
Is it fair?
Am I worth all that?
And that's not all, he was so sweet about it. He even tried to help me. He said that things like my personal space issues make sense now. And he was so sweet and optimistic. He said that I've already made progress with now hugging my friends and that he's sure that I would get over my issues if I found someone. Like had a boyfriend, fell in love, and found someone I could trust. And when I didnt immediately agree and just told him he was an optimist, he kept asking and insisting that if I had someone I could get over my issues. Of course, that brings more questions.
Is he offering?
Does he really mean that?
Why does he care so much?
Would it be right to take him up on the offer it it was one?
Why did he say that?
Was he trying to tell me that he isn't the one to help me?
Or that he is the one to help?
I just don't know! *sigh* It might have been easier if he weren't so nice. He seems to genuinely care about me. He encourages me to live healthier and listens to me. Grr... I just don't get him!
Why?
Is he interested or not?
Does he even know?
Will be be willing to try something?
Why am I so willing to put my heart on the line for him?
What is it about him that I find to endearing?
Why him?
Why now?
Why not?
I wish I knew the answers. I mean, I love working with him. I love talking to him. I love watching him. I love listening to him. I love sitting in silence with him.
Do I love him?
Is that possible yet?
Am I just obsessed?
Is it just like?
What is it?
Should I even try to define it?
This whole thing is an enigma. He's an enigma. My wonderful, hot, sweet, kinda, torturus little enigma. I hate my enigma. I love my enigma. *sigh* Matt, my enigma. What am I gonna do with you? What am I gonna do with you?
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes
What are you thinking?
Its so misleading.
Is it not for me to know?
I think its just hard for you to show.
---Trapt, Enigma, Trapt
Alura - 8:29 PM
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
[::..ACT..::]
I got my ACT score back and I got a...... 27!!!
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes
"The moment you walked through the door, I knew this love is forever more."
---Cascada, A Piece of Heaven
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes
"The moment you walked through the door, I knew this love is forever more."
---Cascada, A Piece of Heaven
Alura - 6:24 PM
Saturday, May 20, 2006
[::..Conformation and Loving Life..::]
Ok, so heres the story:
I was at work today, and around noon I had to write the date on some prep that I was doing. I wrote the "5" and the "/" but I couldnt remember the date. So I look at the schedule to see the day and it says "20th." Here is when I pause, look up and begin to think.
I felt like I had missed something. Like something had gone past without my knowledge. And I stood there a second thinking, when suddenly my face broke out in a grin and my chibi danced around the store. The 18th. I had missed the 18th. It passed and I didnt even recognize it happening.
So why is that important? Well May 18, 2004, is the day that Neylon broke up with me. Last year on that day, I cried my eyes out. This year on the otherhand, I didnt even know that it was passing!!!! In other words, its final conformation that I've moved on and that Neylon is no longer a factor in my life, mind or heart. ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
Also, besides one day (Wednesday) that started out horribly, but ended well, I've had nothing but good things happening in my life. Life is going my way for once! I'm actually, dare I say it, happy! I actually forgot what it was like to be able to wake up and not be thinking, "Oh God, not again." or "Oh no, whats gonna go wrong today." Its amazing really. How happy and carefree I can be when I'm not worried about everything falling apart. People have even commented on how at times, I'm just really happy, or hyper. I actually enjoy life right now. Its..... amazing.
On the Matt front, nothing is really happening. But I still enjoy working with him and talking to him. I think its more important that we remain friends. I mean, I'd like more, but I dont wanna push anything, and I'm satisfied with how things are. I have a ton of fun fake fighting with him and arguing ove petty things. Maybe in the future, I'll try for more, but for now, I'll sufice with the talks we have, and thoughts in my head.
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes
At least out loud, I wont say I'm in .... Love.
---Meg, I Wont Say I'm In Love, Hercules Soundtrack
I was at work today, and around noon I had to write the date on some prep that I was doing. I wrote the "5" and the "/" but I couldnt remember the date. So I look at the schedule to see the day and it says "20th." Here is when I pause, look up and begin to think.
I felt like I had missed something. Like something had gone past without my knowledge. And I stood there a second thinking, when suddenly my face broke out in a grin and my chibi danced around the store. The 18th. I had missed the 18th. It passed and I didnt even recognize it happening.
So why is that important? Well May 18, 2004, is the day that Neylon broke up with me. Last year on that day, I cried my eyes out. This year on the otherhand, I didnt even know that it was passing!!!! In other words, its final conformation that I've moved on and that Neylon is no longer a factor in my life, mind or heart. ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
Also, besides one day (Wednesday) that started out horribly, but ended well, I've had nothing but good things happening in my life. Life is going my way for once! I'm actually, dare I say it, happy! I actually forgot what it was like to be able to wake up and not be thinking, "Oh God, not again." or "Oh no, whats gonna go wrong today." Its amazing really. How happy and carefree I can be when I'm not worried about everything falling apart. People have even commented on how at times, I'm just really happy, or hyper. I actually enjoy life right now. Its..... amazing.
On the Matt front, nothing is really happening. But I still enjoy working with him and talking to him. I think its more important that we remain friends. I mean, I'd like more, but I dont wanna push anything, and I'm satisfied with how things are. I have a ton of fun fake fighting with him and arguing ove petty things. Maybe in the future, I'll try for more, but for now, I'll sufice with the talks we have, and thoughts in my head.
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes
At least out loud, I wont say I'm in .... Love.
---Meg, I Wont Say I'm In Love, Hercules Soundtrack
Alura - 4:40 PM
Monday, May 08, 2006
[::..Life Anew..::]
New song, new layout, new hope. Thats right folks, things have actually been... good lately! *gasp*
School: Junior year is winding down, and thus my stresses are lessening. ACTs and PSAEs are over and as far as I know, they went well.
Home: Things are cool here. My old dog Blue is back, though we dont know for how long.
Work: Slightly less stressful and less time consuming. Everyone there is great. Except MJ and Tim of course, but they dont count as part of "everyone." lol
Friends: I'm getting along great with everyone. Little to no stress adn drama. Tracy is doing better too and thought were not one big happy group with her again, at least things are stable. And after the beginning of our Junior year, what more can we ask for?
Love: I did it folks! I asked Matt out! But he defined it as just "friends," cause he "has a lot of stuff going on right now." Anyway, we had our "mutual excursion" (thank you Kelly and Alex, for the phrase) on Friday night. We went to see An American Haunting and then went to Chinatown. Push was there for the Chinatown part. Matt ended up paying for everything. Though I didn't make him. All in all it was a good night. Especially the hug Matt gave me at my door. ^_^ *grin* (For more detail on this, see my Xanga.) There wasnt mention of a second excursion, but we'll see how things go. Gotta take it one day at a time. If its, meant to be, then it'll be. I'm proud of myself for not being a Chicken Shit anymore. Now I'll just wait and see how he reacts, then decide on my next move. I'm actually optimistic for once. I really think that things might go my way!
ttyl and kinky sex dreams,
---Rhodes
A neverending dream a dream of you
I believe I received a sign of you
Tonight I want to hide my feelings too
As you do and I want to be with you
---Cascada, A Neverending Dream, Everytime We Touch
School: Junior year is winding down, and thus my stresses are lessening. ACTs and PSAEs are over and as far as I know, they went well.
Home: Things are cool here. My old dog Blue is back, though we dont know for how long.
Work: Slightly less stressful and less time consuming. Everyone there is great. Except MJ and Tim of course, but they dont count as part of "everyone." lol
Friends: I'm getting along great with everyone. Little to no stress adn drama. Tracy is doing better too and thought were not one big happy group with her again, at least things are stable. And after the beginning of our Junior year, what more can we ask for?
Love: I did it folks! I asked Matt out! But he defined it as just "friends," cause he "has a lot of stuff going on right now." Anyway, we had our "mutual excursion" (thank you Kelly and Alex, for the phrase) on Friday night. We went to see An American Haunting and then went to Chinatown. Push was there for the Chinatown part. Matt ended up paying for everything. Though I didn't make him. All in all it was a good night. Especially the hug Matt gave me at my door. ^_^ *grin* (For more detail on this, see my Xanga.) There wasnt mention of a second excursion, but we'll see how things go. Gotta take it one day at a time. If its, meant to be, then it'll be. I'm proud of myself for not being a Chicken Shit anymore. Now I'll just wait and see how he reacts, then decide on my next move. I'm actually optimistic for once. I really think that things might go my way!
ttyl and kinky sex dreams,
---Rhodes
A neverending dream a dream of you
I believe I received a sign of you
Tonight I want to hide my feelings too
As you do and I want to be with you
---Cascada, A Neverending Dream, Everytime We Touch
Alura - 2:38 PM