[::..Thanks A Lot Mother..::]
I took their smiles and I made them mine
I sold my soul just to hide the light
And now I see what I really am
A thief, a whore, and a liar
I run to you (far away from this land)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away
I'm numb to you, numb and deaf and blind
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only air at night
Not you, not love, just nothing
I run to you (far away from this land)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away
Try to forget you
But without you I feel nothing
Don't leave me here, by myself
I can't breathe
I run to you (far away from this land)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
I sold my soul just to hide the light
And now I see what I really am
A thief, a whore, and a liar
I run to you (far away from this land)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away
I'm numb to you, numb and deaf and blind
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only air at night
Not you, not love, just nothing
I run to you (far away from this land)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away
Try to forget you
But without you I feel nothing
Don't leave me here, by myself
I can't breathe
I run to you (far away from this land)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
Farther away
Alura - 8:45 PM
Sunday, September 10, 2006
[::..Mummy..::]
Yeah, I pretty much hate my mother. Ok, hate may be strong, but I cant stand her!!! Every five seconds shes giving me another chore, yelling at me for something else, critisizing something, I just hate it. I cant even count the numbers of times I've cried in the last week thanks to my mother. I'm sorry mom. I'm not trying to be a burden. Would you like it better if I just left? Maybe moved in with Nana. Knox College is a good school. It has a good history program, and I know quite a few of the professors there already. Maybe I should just move there. I'd hate it, but I wouldnt have to worry about my mother hating me.
I just hate life. I feel so out of place all the time. LIke I just dont belong anywhere. Unless I'm acting like a freaking, I feel like I'm invisable or something. LIke no one knows me. And I wanna get to know people better, but everyone has something and I dont know where I fit. And I feel like the one person I was getting kinda close to, is realizing her mistake. Cause it was a mistake. Anyone who talks to me is making a mistake. God, why cant I just end this? What exatly am I doing for this world? Nothing. Not a damn thing. So why am I still here? Is it part of equivalent exchange? There have to be truly miserable people in the world, for there to be happy people? I just hate not having anywhere to go. When I'm at home, I wanna leave, when I'm with friends, I wanna leave. I just dont belong. I'm.... different. Defective somehow. Like my piece of this puzzle called life, is ripped and doesnt fit anywhere. I hate it. I hate life. I hate myself.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
I dream in darkness
I sleep to die
erase the silence
erase my life
our burning ashes
blacken the day
a world of nothingness
blow me away
---Evanescence, Sweet Sacrifice, The Open Door
I just hate life. I feel so out of place all the time. LIke I just dont belong anywhere. Unless I'm acting like a freaking, I feel like I'm invisable or something. LIke no one knows me. And I wanna get to know people better, but everyone has something and I dont know where I fit. And I feel like the one person I was getting kinda close to, is realizing her mistake. Cause it was a mistake. Anyone who talks to me is making a mistake. God, why cant I just end this? What exatly am I doing for this world? Nothing. Not a damn thing. So why am I still here? Is it part of equivalent exchange? There have to be truly miserable people in the world, for there to be happy people? I just hate not having anywhere to go. When I'm at home, I wanna leave, when I'm with friends, I wanna leave. I just dont belong. I'm.... different. Defective somehow. Like my piece of this puzzle called life, is ripped and doesnt fit anywhere. I hate it. I hate life. I hate myself.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
I dream in darkness
I sleep to die
erase the silence
erase my life
our burning ashes
blacken the day
a world of nothingness
blow me away
---Evanescence, Sweet Sacrifice, The Open Door
Alura - 2:41 PM
Thursday, September 07, 2006
[::..Zen..::]
Yeah, nothings really any better. I'm still lonely, annoyed, and miserable.
My mother pissed me off again. I was so upset at her yelling at me for no reason that while cleaning out her closet, (thats what she was yelling at me for) I just broke down in tears. She was in the next room, and didnt even notice. Further proof that my mother doesnt pay attention to me or care about my well being. I almost left. Like I had my wallet (with almost a full pay check), keys and phone (in case of emergencies) in my pockets, ready to leave at any moment. I didnt though.
And last night I avoided going home. I "went to the library." Well I actually did go for a bit, and I read up on depression. I'm pretty convienced I have a form of depression. I cant remember which form though. I got to emotional and left. I then went and bought Noodles to go and went to Barns and Noble to buy a book on depression. Its called The Zen Path Thorugh Depression. Seems good so far. I wanna try some of the medatations tonight.
I've also been thinking of dropping crew. Though that's prolly only the depression talking. I just dont seem to have the same joy for it like I used to. (Classic sign of depression.) I feel like its all fake. Like I have all these people there with me, but none of them are there with me. Make sense? Actually I've been feeling that way around everyone. From Jeremy to Marina. I just dont feel like any of it is worth while. I still feel alone no matter what. So why try. Especially with college coming up. Everyone's just gonna get split up anyway. *sigh* Though If I left Crew I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd have to be at home then. With my mother. And then I'd either kill her or myself. I already feel that way spending just 1-2 hours with her a day. And I dont wanna work everyday. Then I'd get sick of that. I just dont know what to do. Hopefully the book will help. I almost copied part of one of the books at read at Nichles and gave it to my mother. Almost.
Seems like now days the only person I can talk to and not feel too awkward with is MD. Though I havent talked to him much lately so I guess I'll see Saturday if thats still true. I hope so, cause I care about him a lot. *sigh* I cant stand not seeing him. Like I wanna go by Subway everyday hes working, just to see him, if only for a second. I'm so obsessed and I dont have a shot. Its that just my life?
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
--- Linking Park, Figure .09, Meteora
My mother pissed me off again. I was so upset at her yelling at me for no reason that while cleaning out her closet, (thats what she was yelling at me for) I just broke down in tears. She was in the next room, and didnt even notice. Further proof that my mother doesnt pay attention to me or care about my well being. I almost left. Like I had my wallet (with almost a full pay check), keys and phone (in case of emergencies) in my pockets, ready to leave at any moment. I didnt though.
And last night I avoided going home. I "went to the library." Well I actually did go for a bit, and I read up on depression. I'm pretty convienced I have a form of depression. I cant remember which form though. I got to emotional and left. I then went and bought Noodles to go and went to Barns and Noble to buy a book on depression. Its called The Zen Path Thorugh Depression. Seems good so far. I wanna try some of the medatations tonight.
I've also been thinking of dropping crew. Though that's prolly only the depression talking. I just dont seem to have the same joy for it like I used to. (Classic sign of depression.) I feel like its all fake. Like I have all these people there with me, but none of them are there with me. Make sense? Actually I've been feeling that way around everyone. From Jeremy to Marina. I just dont feel like any of it is worth while. I still feel alone no matter what. So why try. Especially with college coming up. Everyone's just gonna get split up anyway. *sigh* Though If I left Crew I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd have to be at home then. With my mother. And then I'd either kill her or myself. I already feel that way spending just 1-2 hours with her a day. And I dont wanna work everyday. Then I'd get sick of that. I just dont know what to do. Hopefully the book will help. I almost copied part of one of the books at read at Nichles and gave it to my mother. Almost.
Seems like now days the only person I can talk to and not feel too awkward with is MD. Though I havent talked to him much lately so I guess I'll see Saturday if thats still true. I hope so, cause I care about him a lot. *sigh* I cant stand not seeing him. Like I wanna go by Subway everyday hes working, just to see him, if only for a second. I'm so obsessed and I dont have a shot. Its that just my life?
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
--- Linking Park, Figure .09, Meteora
Alura - 10:36 PM
Monday, September 04, 2006
[::..What I Dont Know..::]
*sigh* I'm starting to think I dont know how to be happy. All the things that should make me happy, tend to somehow depress me. Thats just not normal.
I'm also starting to think I dont know how to control my emotions. Last night shouldnt have bugged me so much. I shouldnt have felt so alone while surrounded by people. And I shouldnt have come home and ended up crying for half and hour. I shouldnt have thought about how much I really just wanted to sit alone in Subway and talk to Matt.
Just Matt.
In fact, I shouldnt have thought of him at all. We're just friends. And anyting else is just my imagination.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything
--- Avril Lavigne, Fall To Pieces, Under My Skin
I'm also starting to think I dont know how to control my emotions. Last night shouldnt have bugged me so much. I shouldnt have felt so alone while surrounded by people. And I shouldnt have come home and ended up crying for half and hour. I shouldnt have thought about how much I really just wanted to sit alone in Subway and talk to Matt.
Just Matt.
In fact, I shouldnt have thought of him at all. We're just friends. And anyting else is just my imagination.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything
--- Avril Lavigne, Fall To Pieces, Under My Skin
Alura - 12:16 AM
Saturday, September 02, 2006
[::..I Just Dont Get Me..::]
I dont get myself sometimes. *shakes head* I just dont get me!!!!!!!!!!! What is this feeling? Disappointment? Hoping I might be special to someone? Wishful thinking? Desperation?
---Rhodes
I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
handfull of anger, held in my chest
--- Linkin Park, Nobody's Listening, Meteora
---Rhodes
I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
handfull of anger, held in my chest
--- Linkin Park, Nobody's Listening, Meteora
Alura - 12:16 AM