/frɛnd/ friend Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[frend] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun
1.a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2.a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3.a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4.a member of the same nation, party, etc.

So that’s a friend huh? Well let’s see how that works for me.

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

Personal regard? Well I don't really respect any of my "friends." Most to me aren't even real people. Ok let me explain. Their people, I know that. But I don’t see substance. I see..... bodies. Heck, I even see souls in those bodies, but not souls with substance. I see nothing there I should "regard." Attraction? Seeing as how I avoid them unless it’s an official Tech event, how is that attraction. If anything that’s repulsion. That goes back to the no substance thing. No substance=nothing to relate to=no reason to call you a friend=not friends.

There are, of course, exceptions. I see some substance in a few people: Jeremy, Sam and Marina. That’s all. With the Thomases, well I see substance, so there for I don’t go out of my way to avoid them. (Better then I can say for most of my "friends.") Though we don’t talk about anything of importance. At least not usually. So the substance is there, or at least potentially there, but not utilized. So we aren’t really friends, I just see them as more then just walking bodies.
Marina on the hand I do nothing but utilize that substance with. I feel almost as if the only reason she comes to be is to vent, so to speak. She can come to me and talk, maybe even get some advice and support. So instead of being friends I'm like a therapist meets support group.

Did you see friend anywhere in there? Didn’t think so.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter

You have to have substance to give support right? You can’t help if you don’t have anything to help with. So that cuts out most people at the get go. Again, we are left with the (Forgive my crude Latin skills) Teneo Tria. [Enduring Three] Well as I said, with Jeremy and Sam the substance isn’t really utilized so no assistance or support there. I’m still just as lonely and miserable as ever. I still cry myself to sleep most nights and I still hate my life. They offer and all that, which is nice, but I can’t go to them. I don’t know how to utilize their substance. I have to have a basis with you to go to you. No firm basis with them.
On to Marina. For a while I thought that there was support there. I thought I had someone to go to and talk to about my problems. But I soon found out I’m just a substitute Sam. When she and Sam aren’t getting along, then I get talked to. If she can’t talk to Sam about it, I’m the one she comes to. But if Marina and Sam are cool; if she can go to Sam with her problem, then I’m left out of the picture. Want proof? Here ya go. She couldn’t talk to Sam about Adam, so I got talked to. She wasn’t getting along with Sam at the beginning of the year, so I got attention. Not enough proof? The vast majority of what we talk about is Sam. If Marina is unsure about something or annoyed with something, then she comes to me. (And I don’t mean to be self-centered here. I’m sure she talks to other people when mad at Sam like Christine Shu but I’m focusing on me here. Sorry folks.) I’ve long suspected that I was simple a substitute Sam, but now I’m sure of it. Support? Not really. That simply means I only get support if she isn’t getting along with Sam. Oh yeah, that’s something to base a friendship off of; whether or not someone is getting along with another of their friends.

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile

No hostility? Well half the time I wanna punch people like Brittany and Emily in the face, so they’re thrown out of the window. The rest of my “friends?” Depends. Most mornings I wanna be as far from them as possible. Sound like good terms to you? Not to me!

Let’s try the Teneo Tria. I have never felt any open hostility for any of them. That’s a good sign. And I can talk to them, which implies good terms. So maybe (by this definition at least) I have friends.
How ‘bout a closer look. Are we defining “good terms” as not wanting to punch someone in the face? Well that’s sad. By that definition I’m on “good terms” with Neylon too and we certainly aren’t friends!
“Good terms” should be just that: Open, friendly, flowing companionship with little to no issues or obstructions. So far I’ve listed issues with each member Jeremy, Sam and Marina. No friendship there.

4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.

Et cetera meaning club? Well by that definition I’m friends with all of Crew! Yay! *does a happy dance*
Wait a tick! Something’s off here. Same nation? So I’m friends with everyone in America? Well we know that’s certainly not true. I don’t even know everyone in America, how are we friends? So simply by ludicrous implications, this definition is proven wrong too.

5. Wait! There is no five. That’s it. That’s all. Hold on! No 5? That means I’ve proven the four definitions of friendship to not hold meaning with anyone I know. Well that’s not good! If I can’t find anyone to fit a definition of friendship, then I have no friends. And so we come to the real importance of all this sarcastic rambling. I have to friends. Now, I’m not saying I’m without fault in all this. I know I have fault in this. I’m not an easy person to get to know. I get along with most people just fine. But I don’t get to know people well. See the difference? I hope so. Being social with and being close to someone are very different concept.

Now this rambling to an extent makes me a hypocrite. (Please know I loathe hypocrites.) So how I have to prove I’m not one. I told Marina last night that things can’t be changed if you don’t talk to people. And I haven’t talked to anyone about this. Making me a hypocrite right? Not quite. What I said was (and Thank You Trillian for automatically saving all IM conversations) “all i can say is nothing will change if u dont talk to her,” and “just try talking to her. if u want change thats all u can do.” Short and simple version, if you want change then talk to people. Well I’m not ever sure I want change!

Do I really wanna try and get close to people that I don’t hate, but don’t see as having anything to offer me? Not really, what would be the point of that?

Do I really wanna try and find out how to utilize how others can help me when I know that they have others in their lives that they help more? Not really. I’m sick of being number two.

Do I really wanna try and find a way to become number one in a person’s life that already has a number one? Not really, how dare I try to oust someone.

So where’s that leave me?
I’ll tell you, very much alone. Alone with my pain. Alone with my misery.

I’m not quite sure why I wrote this. It kinda just came to be. I felt it necessary to try and find a bit of logic in the jumble of emotions and thoughts that is my brain. I had to know what a friend was and how it applied (or didn’t apply) to me. Also, I suppose this is a bit of an explanation to all those that actually read this/have noticed my anti-social-ness. You don’t have to be friends with people to see that they aren’t acting normally and want to know why. That’s simple human curiosity.

So there ya go, if something happens (not saying it will) then you know why I didn’t come to you. And I didn’t write any of this to offend anyone. I know you are all great people in your own right. But in my situation knowing and feeling are two things so different and far apart they might as well be the US and North Korea.

ttyl and better days,
---Jessica

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.
---Breaking Benjamin, Breath, Phobia