[::..Stuck on Repeat..::]
Yeah so the more I try to talk to people, the more I realize that I'm fake. With a few people its ok, I dont feel as fake or like anything's forced. But with others I just sit there thinking, "wow has it really come to this? Digging for conversation from absolutly anything. Forced answers and rolling eyes."
God, its almost like Neylon all over again. On a way different scale of course but process and feelings are the same.
Its sad.
I miss how things were. I wanna go back to being happy. I hate this. I'm on the verge of tears right now as I sit here thinking about how none of my friendships will ever be the same again. Ever! That I'm loosing them all.
Oh yeah, they're right there. I see them all the time, interact with them. But I'm still reserved. Still hiding. I found myself but I'm not showing it to anyone. I dont have anyone I can really trust with my vulnerable self. I'd like to think that I can trust Tracy but I dunno. Like we've said many times in the past, sometimes were both just too messed up to help the other.
It makes it even worse that as much as I wanna talk to someone, I dont know how. I really just dont. I have two IM convos with my friends open right now and I cant tell them any of this. Its horrible. Maybe I should just give up. Resign myself to the fact that I dont have anyone. And wont have anyone.
*sigh* I knew my feelings would fuck up again soon. At least I got to enjoy Friday/Saturday. Thats more then I thought I would get.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
So I said to my reflection, lets get out of this place.
---Frampton Peter, Temptation.
God, its almost like Neylon all over again. On a way different scale of course but process and feelings are the same.
Its sad.
I miss how things were. I wanna go back to being happy. I hate this. I'm on the verge of tears right now as I sit here thinking about how none of my friendships will ever be the same again. Ever! That I'm loosing them all.
Oh yeah, they're right there. I see them all the time, interact with them. But I'm still reserved. Still hiding. I found myself but I'm not showing it to anyone. I dont have anyone I can really trust with my vulnerable self. I'd like to think that I can trust Tracy but I dunno. Like we've said many times in the past, sometimes were both just too messed up to help the other.
It makes it even worse that as much as I wanna talk to someone, I dont know how. I really just dont. I have two IM convos with my friends open right now and I cant tell them any of this. Its horrible. Maybe I should just give up. Resign myself to the fact that I dont have anyone. And wont have anyone.
*sigh* I knew my feelings would fuck up again soon. At least I got to enjoy Friday/Saturday. Thats more then I thought I would get.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
So I said to my reflection, lets get out of this place.
---Frampton Peter, Temptation.
Alura - 9:24 PM
Friday, November 24, 2006
[::..Human Hypocracy..::]
*smacks forehead* *shakes head at self*
I've been doing well. Pulling away from people and their bull shit was going great! Then I start hanging with Tracy (not blaming her!) and I begin to remember what its like to be able to talk to someone about their problem and help them understand it.
I miss it.
I know! I'm a fucking nut job! I dont want people to use me but I'm accustomed to helping people. Like right now Sam and Marina are "talking." I have no idea what about. I mean I can guess but I have no real idea. And I somehow feel left out. Like I dont matter. At least before I mattered. I mean its really hard not to start talking to folks, especially Marina.
This is so fucked up.
I cant have it both ways. I know that! But its hard to not do things you've done for ages. So I guess I'm done with Phase One- Find Self. On to Phase Two- Reintigrate. I need to hang out with people more instead of just heading straight home all the time. Hopefully while in Phase Two, I'll find someone I can trust, then I can move onto Phase Three- Open Up. Yeah, that'll be the hardest phase.
*sigh*
I really hate being human. I know whats gonna happen. I'm gonna start hanging out with folks again and start feeling that isolated feeling again. Then I'll start getting annoyed with people and get angry again. Then I'll be back to square one.
Oh well. I gotta try sometime.
Wish me luck,
---Jessica
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
--- Avril Lavigne, Nobody's Home, Under My Skin
I've been doing well. Pulling away from people and their bull shit was going great! Then I start hanging with Tracy (not blaming her!) and I begin to remember what its like to be able to talk to someone about their problem and help them understand it.
I miss it.
I know! I'm a fucking nut job! I dont want people to use me but I'm accustomed to helping people. Like right now Sam and Marina are "talking." I have no idea what about. I mean I can guess but I have no real idea. And I somehow feel left out. Like I dont matter. At least before I mattered. I mean its really hard not to start talking to folks, especially Marina.
This is so fucked up.
I cant have it both ways. I know that! But its hard to not do things you've done for ages. So I guess I'm done with Phase One- Find Self. On to Phase Two- Reintigrate. I need to hang out with people more instead of just heading straight home all the time. Hopefully while in Phase Two, I'll find someone I can trust, then I can move onto Phase Three- Open Up. Yeah, that'll be the hardest phase.
*sigh*
I really hate being human. I know whats gonna happen. I'm gonna start hanging out with folks again and start feeling that isolated feeling again. Then I'll start getting annoyed with people and get angry again. Then I'll be back to square one.
Oh well. I gotta try sometime.
Wish me luck,
---Jessica
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
--- Avril Lavigne, Nobody's Home, Under My Skin
Alura - 1:21 AM
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
[::..Please Tell Me What A Friend Is!- Part 2..::]
I just thought I'd update on how my life was going. Not really much better. Things with my friends are better in some ways and worse in other ways.
1. What's "Hanging Out"?
I'm pretty content with only see them in school and at work. That doesnt mean I want them visiting me but working with Sam is ok. I dont really like seeing them outside of school, work or Tech stuff though. Tracy may be different. We hung out the other day and it was ok. *shrugs shoulder*
2. Down to Two
Yeah so Marina is kinda off the list of people that I can still stand. Sad but oh well. I spent about a week and a half ignoring her until she asked me about it and yelled at me for accusing me of things she claims arent true. (I stand by my statements 100%.) We "talked" which was pretty much me saying the same thing I've said on here and other blogs a thousand times. But whatever.
After that I'm still not really talking to her. I'm not ignoring her like I was. But I have no desire to really spend time with her. I dont see the point. I was there to be a Substitute Sam/therapist. And well, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people coming to me to rant and shit but me no being able to turn to them. Oh they say I can but its bull. No offense guys but deep down you know its true. None of you actually want me to come to you about my problems. You prolly wouldnt know how to react if I did. So whats the point?
3. Surprise Addition
Besides Marina whos now on the "I dont really wanna talk to you" list, now Deepti is. Perhaps its hypcritical of me but I'm getting tired of her not listening to me. I mean, I've been telling her for months to just cut Archit from her life cause hes just like Neylon but she wont listen. Then she comes to me and rants about what he did while I tell her again, to CUT HIM OFF! But why listen to me? I dont know what I'm talking about. I didnt spend almost two years in a dance of lies and broken hearts with Neylon. Oh wait! You should, I do, I did!
4. My Own Status Quo
Still lonely. Nothing will change that. Cause as much I love you guys (despite how harsh my words on here sound) none of you really provide what I need. You guys provide escape from my problems. But I'm tired of escaping, of running. I wanna fight them and fix them. And I dont see how you guys are helping me do that. So I'm stuck alone. But its my own making, so whatever. Its, as always, my problem to deal with.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
"Whats the point of being the therapist for everyone if they dont listen to what you have to say?"
---Me
1. What's "Hanging Out"?
I'm pretty content with only see them in school and at work. That doesnt mean I want them visiting me but working with Sam is ok. I dont really like seeing them outside of school, work or Tech stuff though. Tracy may be different. We hung out the other day and it was ok. *shrugs shoulder*
2. Down to Two
Yeah so Marina is kinda off the list of people that I can still stand. Sad but oh well. I spent about a week and a half ignoring her until she asked me about it and yelled at me for accusing me of things she claims arent true. (I stand by my statements 100%.) We "talked" which was pretty much me saying the same thing I've said on here and other blogs a thousand times. But whatever.
After that I'm still not really talking to her. I'm not ignoring her like I was. But I have no desire to really spend time with her. I dont see the point. I was there to be a Substitute Sam/therapist. And well, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people coming to me to rant and shit but me no being able to turn to them. Oh they say I can but its bull. No offense guys but deep down you know its true. None of you actually want me to come to you about my problems. You prolly wouldnt know how to react if I did. So whats the point?
3. Surprise Addition
Besides Marina whos now on the "I dont really wanna talk to you" list, now Deepti is. Perhaps its hypcritical of me but I'm getting tired of her not listening to me. I mean, I've been telling her for months to just cut Archit from her life cause hes just like Neylon but she wont listen. Then she comes to me and rants about what he did while I tell her again, to CUT HIM OFF! But why listen to me? I dont know what I'm talking about. I didnt spend almost two years in a dance of lies and broken hearts with Neylon. Oh wait! You should, I do, I did!
4. My Own Status Quo
Still lonely. Nothing will change that. Cause as much I love you guys (despite how harsh my words on here sound) none of you really provide what I need. You guys provide escape from my problems. But I'm tired of escaping, of running. I wanna fight them and fix them. And I dont see how you guys are helping me do that. So I'm stuck alone. But its my own making, so whatever. Its, as always, my problem to deal with.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
"Whats the point of being the therapist for everyone if they dont listen to what you have to say?"
---Me
Alura - 9:59 PM
Monday, November 06, 2006
[::..The Masquerade..::]
The Masquerade
Oh joy! A masquerade today!
What fun and games it will be
To choose the person that people see
Sophisticated or lame
Rich or peasant
Oh what to be at the masquerade!?
Fun’s what I seek.
This mask has colorT
he eyes are cut with a twinkle and outlined in a smile
It goes well with this vibrant dress
With red and gold so rich and bold
No one will know me at the masquerade.
Moving ceremoniously, almost systematically
The learned dance contains a beauty
Intricate moves, well rehearsed
All preformed with people unknownS
ecret identities
You can be who ever you want at the masquerade.
What it was at the masquerade.
A game of lies and spies
Finished now and to home I return
To my true self; to the pain I hold
Sleep now to ease the pain
Dreaming of the masquerade.
Waking up. Oh joy!
A masquerade today!
Time to choose the person that people see
A mask to hide the pain
Cause everyday is a game of lies and spies
When life is an endless masquerade.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's better? To be surrounded by people but feel isolated, alone, different, and fake. Or being alone but knowing that you made yourself that way?
I dunno the answer folks. Cause if I knew, I'd do one of those things. I cant decide. I love you all so much, I love Tech Crew and Technical Theater more then you'll ever know. But I'm just so sick of being fake. Thursday you all saw Jessica. Antsy, hurting, alone, sad, and generally messed up. Friday and Saturday you guys saw Rhodes. Falsly happy, joyous and an all around fun person. But I'm tired of being two different people. I wanna be Jessica again. I miss her. I miss being myself.
The last person to know me as Jesscia (at least for a while) was Neylon. See after reading and IM convo today, I decided to go back and reread some of Neylon's and mine old convos. And guess what? I even mentioned to him almost a year ago about the very thing I've been talking about lately. About feeling like I didnt belong. A year I've been saying this and trying to fix it. And not a damn thing's changed. The only thing I manged to do was make a better mask, make a better Rhodes. Though Jessica is still miserable.
Jessica is tired. She doenst wanna be alone anymore. She doesnt wanna hide anymore. But shes scared. Whenever shes come out shes gotten hurt. Either by parents who ignore her, cousins who sexually abuse her, friends that leave her, boy friends that toy with her heart or friends that dont support her. Shes just to scared.
But despite that all I wanna be Jessica again. I wanna stop crying so much. I wanna be happy. I wanna have someone to care about me and be there for me when I'm down. I dont wanna wear a mask, I just wanna be free.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again
---Evanescence, Lies, Origin
Oh joy! A masquerade today!
What fun and games it will be
To choose the person that people see
Sophisticated or lame
Rich or peasant
Oh what to be at the masquerade!?
Fun’s what I seek.
This mask has colorT
he eyes are cut with a twinkle and outlined in a smile
It goes well with this vibrant dress
With red and gold so rich and bold
No one will know me at the masquerade.
Moving ceremoniously, almost systematically
The learned dance contains a beauty
Intricate moves, well rehearsed
All preformed with people unknownS
ecret identities
You can be who ever you want at the masquerade.
What it was at the masquerade.
A game of lies and spies
Finished now and to home I return
To my true self; to the pain I hold
Sleep now to ease the pain
Dreaming of the masquerade.
Waking up. Oh joy!
A masquerade today!
Time to choose the person that people see
A mask to hide the pain
Cause everyday is a game of lies and spies
When life is an endless masquerade.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's better? To be surrounded by people but feel isolated, alone, different, and fake. Or being alone but knowing that you made yourself that way?
I dunno the answer folks. Cause if I knew, I'd do one of those things. I cant decide. I love you all so much, I love Tech Crew and Technical Theater more then you'll ever know. But I'm just so sick of being fake. Thursday you all saw Jessica. Antsy, hurting, alone, sad, and generally messed up. Friday and Saturday you guys saw Rhodes. Falsly happy, joyous and an all around fun person. But I'm tired of being two different people. I wanna be Jessica again. I miss her. I miss being myself.
The last person to know me as Jesscia (at least for a while) was Neylon. See after reading and IM convo today, I decided to go back and reread some of Neylon's and mine old convos. And guess what? I even mentioned to him almost a year ago about the very thing I've been talking about lately. About feeling like I didnt belong. A year I've been saying this and trying to fix it. And not a damn thing's changed. The only thing I manged to do was make a better mask, make a better Rhodes. Though Jessica is still miserable.
Jessica is tired. She doenst wanna be alone anymore. She doesnt wanna hide anymore. But shes scared. Whenever shes come out shes gotten hurt. Either by parents who ignore her, cousins who sexually abuse her, friends that leave her, boy friends that toy with her heart or friends that dont support her. Shes just to scared.
But despite that all I wanna be Jessica again. I wanna stop crying so much. I wanna be happy. I wanna have someone to care about me and be there for me when I'm down. I dont wanna wear a mask, I just wanna be free.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again
---Evanescence, Lies, Origin
Alura - 12:41 AM
Saturday, November 04, 2006
[::..Techie No More..::]
Yeah, so after this show I'm pretty much cutting myself off. I'm just sick of people. I mean, there are some that I can still stand, sometimes. But generally, I'm just done. I loved the time I had with Tech Crew but I cant handle it anymore. Especially some people, Marina's been my number one annoyance as of late. Leaving these guys means leaving Tech Crew which means I'll really have nothing to do except work but oh well, I'll get over it. I'm gonna miss Technical Theatre. I was really beginning to love it. And Ron all but promised he'd try and make sure I Stage Managed a One Act. Oh well, thanks for the thought Ron but I wont be around. Looks like Euchre during 6th hour is gonna suck. I wouldnt leave if I didnt have to.
I'm just sick of meaningless relationships. I rather be alone then surrounded by people I have no true connection with. I'm sick of one sided relationships. I'm just sick of my damn mask. I slipped into it again today. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for the each with which I pretend to be happy and betray myself. I'm sick of it. So after tomorrow's show, I'm done. In the mornings I'll so to the library and I can go there during lunch too. The during early dismissal I'll go straight home. That means the only people I'll see are Jeremy, Shaffer and Sam. Jere and Shaffer during 1st and Sam at work. Yup! Sounds like a plan to me.
I'm getting back all the shit I have out and tomorrow I'm giving the Thomases back their SoulCal. Then I can sucessfully cut myself off. I wish I didnt have to work with anyone or see them in class, but oh well, what can I do? Thanks to Neylon I've gotten pretty good at avoiding topics I dont wanna talk about. Joy! I have to give that kid props I really do.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
"The things I've said to you, softly, in the dark..."
---Dan Wood as Bert Cates in Inherit the Wind
I'm just sick of meaningless relationships. I rather be alone then surrounded by people I have no true connection with. I'm sick of one sided relationships. I'm just sick of my damn mask. I slipped into it again today. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for the each with which I pretend to be happy and betray myself. I'm sick of it. So after tomorrow's show, I'm done. In the mornings I'll so to the library and I can go there during lunch too. The during early dismissal I'll go straight home. That means the only people I'll see are Jeremy, Shaffer and Sam. Jere and Shaffer during 1st and Sam at work. Yup! Sounds like a plan to me.
I'm getting back all the shit I have out and tomorrow I'm giving the Thomases back their SoulCal. Then I can sucessfully cut myself off. I wish I didnt have to work with anyone or see them in class, but oh well, what can I do? Thanks to Neylon I've gotten pretty good at avoiding topics I dont wanna talk about. Joy! I have to give that kid props I really do.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
"The things I've said to you, softly, in the dark..."
---Dan Wood as Bert Cates in Inherit the Wind
Alura - 12:12 AM