[::..Bah Humbug..::]
I hate Christmas.
The commercial comsumer attitude.
The Lack of religion.
My inability to feel religion.
The forced family togetherness.
The let down of present opening.
The fake cheer.
The sudden and fleeting humanitarianism.
I hate Christmas. Thank God its almost over.
---Jessica
"Bah Humbug!"
---Ebinezer Scrooge.
The commercial comsumer attitude.
The Lack of religion.
My inability to feel religion.
The forced family togetherness.
The let down of present opening.
The fake cheer.
The sudden and fleeting humanitarianism.
I hate Christmas. Thank God its almost over.
---Jessica
"Bah Humbug!"
---Ebinezer Scrooge.
Alura - 11:05 PM
Monday, December 18, 2006
[::..One Is The Lonliest Number..::]
So I'm trying to sleep and I cant. Wanna know why?
I'm lonely.
And I dont mean in the "I have no friends" way but in the "I have no boyfriend" way.
Yeah...
Cassye and her boy friend came by Subway today and it reminded me how much I hate being single. Like really really HATE it. I cant even remember the last time I was asked out. Or hit on. Or anything.
Whats wrong with me? What am I doing that so horribly wrong? Do I come off too strong? Am I really that ugly? I've always thought I was at least mialdly attractive. And I've tried to not be too overbearing. Do guys not like it that I feel more at home in a wood shop, covered in paint and saw dust then in a beauty shop, covered in makeup and hair spray? Do guys not like a girl that can contend with them not only intellectually but in a male dominated area like wood working? Does that make me a freak?
*sigh* I hate this. I wanna go on a date. I dont care if its not Matt, I just wanna feel....
attractive. Cause lately I havent felt that way. Not at all. Not once. My aunt is all "oh youre gorgeous!" but shes my aunt, shes kinda required to say that.
Maybe I should dress nicer. Do my hair more. But then I wouldnt feel like me. And God knows that whatever I wear will just end up covered in saw dust. And I refuse to change who I am for a guy.
But maybe thats what I have to do. Give into the stereotype, be "girly," and ignore my love of the sound of a table saw, the smell of saw dust and learn to love hair spray and eye shadow.
Is that really what it takes to be loved in this world?
---Jessica
“Cupid's a dodgy little bastard, he is!”
Ron looked up from his latest death prediction for Professor Trelawney (Attack by a thousand enraged exploding budgrigars), confusion evident on his face. “How d'you reckon that, mate?”
“Well, it's obvious, really. Look, the barmy little blighter never ages. He flits around wearing nothing but a nappy, shooting his blasted arrows all over the place, not caring in the least what damage he does.” He [Harry] tossed his hands up in agitation. “I ask you, is that a proper sort of job to have? I think not!”
--- Dodgy by AKA_Hagrid
I'm lonely.
And I dont mean in the "I have no friends" way but in the "I have no boyfriend" way.
Yeah...
Cassye and her boy friend came by Subway today and it reminded me how much I hate being single. Like really really HATE it. I cant even remember the last time I was asked out. Or hit on. Or anything.
Whats wrong with me? What am I doing that so horribly wrong? Do I come off too strong? Am I really that ugly? I've always thought I was at least mialdly attractive. And I've tried to not be too overbearing. Do guys not like it that I feel more at home in a wood shop, covered in paint and saw dust then in a beauty shop, covered in makeup and hair spray? Do guys not like a girl that can contend with them not only intellectually but in a male dominated area like wood working? Does that make me a freak?
*sigh* I hate this. I wanna go on a date. I dont care if its not Matt, I just wanna feel....
attractive. Cause lately I havent felt that way. Not at all. Not once. My aunt is all "oh youre gorgeous!" but shes my aunt, shes kinda required to say that.
Maybe I should dress nicer. Do my hair more. But then I wouldnt feel like me. And God knows that whatever I wear will just end up covered in saw dust. And I refuse to change who I am for a guy.
But maybe thats what I have to do. Give into the stereotype, be "girly," and ignore my love of the sound of a table saw, the smell of saw dust and learn to love hair spray and eye shadow.
Is that really what it takes to be loved in this world?
---Jessica
“Cupid's a dodgy little bastard, he is!”
Ron looked up from his latest death prediction for Professor Trelawney (Attack by a thousand enraged exploding budgrigars), confusion evident on his face. “How d'you reckon that, mate?”
“Well, it's obvious, really. Look, the barmy little blighter never ages. He flits around wearing nothing but a nappy, shooting his blasted arrows all over the place, not caring in the least what damage he does.” He [Harry] tossed his hands up in agitation. “I ask you, is that a proper sort of job to have? I think not!”
--- Dodgy by AKA_Hagrid
Alura - 12:45 AM
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
[::..Good Bye..::]
I've had all I can people. I've stomached the things you've said, ignored the stupid things you've done and accepted the people you are. I've even reached out, the only way I know how. And no one's really cared. Besides from Tracy, not a single one of you have really done anything to try to help me or talk to me.
Not one of you! Not one in the entire time I've been using this Blogger. A year! Thats how long and none of you have cared. I've written in plane English that I wanted to die and none of you cared enough to try and talk to me about it. My teachers, people who barely know me, have been more worried about me and done more to help me then you who are supposed to be my friends. Thanks a lot guys, makes me feel loved.
Can you see why I'm tired of this shit? If we're all really "friends" then the moment I posted the things I've posted you would have come to me to help. But not a soul did. Cause we really arent friends. We're people who hang out sometimes or have known each other for a while but we are not friends. Not really, not truly.
So I'm done pretending. I'm done trying. Yesterday was the final straw. I'm out of Crew, I'm out of this "group" and most of all I'm out of all of your lives. Dont call me. Dont IM me. Dont come by Subway to see me. Dont try. Cause its too late folks. If you're only caring now that things have gone to shit, then you never cared to begin with.
But because with some of you I dont hold much personal hostility I'll give you few personal explainations.
Sam: You've never really done anything wrong. But hey, you've never really done anything right either. You share the same misconception that Marina does. That because you have a "best friend" (and question the validity of your relationship with her) you cant really be there for others. And your apology yesterday, while it was nice. It really meant nothing. Cause its just too little too late.
Marina: Actually you dont get a nice personalized statement like Sam does. Cause you have done shit wrong. I even told you about it and you never changed a thing. You claimed you didnt want our friendship to end but you didnt even attempt to try and fix it. Youre a liar and a hypocrite. Thats all I see you as. Harsh but oh well. I've lost all respect for you. Youre really quite lucky I didnt hit you yesterday when you yelled at me. You have no idea how much I wanted to. I rather talk to Neylon then you.
Jeremy: Again I really hold no hostility toward you. But you too are ensnared in the (as I call it) "Marina Trap" which makes you feel as if she is wonderful and perfect and you must sacrifice for her. *shakes head* Its really sad, you're a good kid too.
Emily: Though I spent most of summer and the majority of fall annoyed with you, you never really did anything wrong. So again I have no hosility toward you. You just fell for the M Trap as well. So sad.
Shaffer: Yet again, no hostility toward you. I'm just sick of everyone I know. I'm just finished with all of it. Nothing personal but I'm done.
Rest of Tech Crew: Aside from being highly annoying a lot of the time, I have nothing really against you. But I'm beginning to hate being near you guys. Not neccessarily because of any one or few of you but because I'm tired of people.
Alright there you go. That's my good bye folks. It was nice (at times) knowing ya.
---Jessica
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
---Linkin Park, Don't Stay, Meteora
EDIT:
Alright, so I'm a little calm now. A little. I'm still not necessarily "friends with you guys." But I've also decided ignoring you is useless. So heres a last chance so to speak. I'll stay as "friends" with you guys until winter break. And we can still hang out on my b-day and shit. But know that nothing is the same. Not a thing. We arent close or anything of the like. But we can be. I just need you guys to show me you actually, I dunno, care. And dont me asking how I am. THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone can ask how I am. Doesnt mean they care. It just means they have some manners.
I wish I could tell you guys how you can show me you care. Cause if I knew that then I'd have said something long ago and fixed things. Anyway, I have no desire to stop being friends with you guys. I love you all but you guys are just so.... FAKE. (And I dont mean the manga) I mean you guys just never seem to care. And I'm not just talking about me. With Tracy all of you were ready to give up on her as well. And with me, Marina, a person I thought I was good friends with, just gave up at the first sign of a hitch in our friendship. See what I mean by you guys not caring?
Long story short. Things need to change. Otherwise I really am just gonna leave you guys.
Also, please note that I stand by my personal statements I made earlier. Perhaps those will tell you what you are individually doing wrong. I hate asking people to change for me cause you should be able to be the person you are but damn it, besides leaving you all entirely, I dont know what else to do. I've tried just getting over it, but that doesnt work. So maybe this will. *sigh*
---Jessica
Not one of you! Not one in the entire time I've been using this Blogger. A year! Thats how long and none of you have cared. I've written in plane English that I wanted to die and none of you cared enough to try and talk to me about it. My teachers, people who barely know me, have been more worried about me and done more to help me then you who are supposed to be my friends. Thanks a lot guys, makes me feel loved.
Can you see why I'm tired of this shit? If we're all really "friends" then the moment I posted the things I've posted you would have come to me to help. But not a soul did. Cause we really arent friends. We're people who hang out sometimes or have known each other for a while but we are not friends. Not really, not truly.
So I'm done pretending. I'm done trying. Yesterday was the final straw. I'm out of Crew, I'm out of this "group" and most of all I'm out of all of your lives. Dont call me. Dont IM me. Dont come by Subway to see me. Dont try. Cause its too late folks. If you're only caring now that things have gone to shit, then you never cared to begin with.
But because with some of you I dont hold much personal hostility I'll give you few personal explainations.
Sam: You've never really done anything wrong. But hey, you've never really done anything right either. You share the same misconception that Marina does. That because you have a "best friend" (and question the validity of your relationship with her) you cant really be there for others. And your apology yesterday, while it was nice. It really meant nothing. Cause its just too little too late.
Marina: Actually you dont get a nice personalized statement like Sam does. Cause you have done shit wrong. I even told you about it and you never changed a thing. You claimed you didnt want our friendship to end but you didnt even attempt to try and fix it. Youre a liar and a hypocrite. Thats all I see you as. Harsh but oh well. I've lost all respect for you. Youre really quite lucky I didnt hit you yesterday when you yelled at me. You have no idea how much I wanted to. I rather talk to Neylon then you.
Jeremy: Again I really hold no hostility toward you. But you too are ensnared in the (as I call it) "Marina Trap" which makes you feel as if she is wonderful and perfect and you must sacrifice for her. *shakes head* Its really sad, you're a good kid too.
Emily: Though I spent most of summer and the majority of fall annoyed with you, you never really did anything wrong. So again I have no hosility toward you. You just fell for the M Trap as well. So sad.
Shaffer: Yet again, no hostility toward you. I'm just sick of everyone I know. I'm just finished with all of it. Nothing personal but I'm done.
Rest of Tech Crew: Aside from being highly annoying a lot of the time, I have nothing really against you. But I'm beginning to hate being near you guys. Not neccessarily because of any one or few of you but because I'm tired of people.
Alright there you go. That's my good bye folks. It was nice (at times) knowing ya.
---Jessica
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
---Linkin Park, Don't Stay, Meteora
EDIT:
Alright, so I'm a little calm now. A little. I'm still not necessarily "friends with you guys." But I've also decided ignoring you is useless. So heres a last chance so to speak. I'll stay as "friends" with you guys until winter break. And we can still hang out on my b-day and shit. But know that nothing is the same. Not a thing. We arent close or anything of the like. But we can be. I just need you guys to show me you actually, I dunno, care. And dont me asking how I am. THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone can ask how I am. Doesnt mean they care. It just means they have some manners.
I wish I could tell you guys how you can show me you care. Cause if I knew that then I'd have said something long ago and fixed things. Anyway, I have no desire to stop being friends with you guys. I love you all but you guys are just so.... FAKE. (And I dont mean the manga) I mean you guys just never seem to care. And I'm not just talking about me. With Tracy all of you were ready to give up on her as well. And with me, Marina, a person I thought I was good friends with, just gave up at the first sign of a hitch in our friendship. See what I mean by you guys not caring?
Long story short. Things need to change. Otherwise I really am just gonna leave you guys.
Also, please note that I stand by my personal statements I made earlier. Perhaps those will tell you what you are individually doing wrong. I hate asking people to change for me cause you should be able to be the person you are but damn it, besides leaving you all entirely, I dont know what else to do. I've tried just getting over it, but that doesnt work. So maybe this will. *sigh*
---Jessica
Alura - 8:43 AM
Friday, December 01, 2006
[::..Master Card..::]
Not being able to find our winter coat: annoying
Having your mother bitch about random shit again: irritating
Not likeing setting up something for Crew: a let down
Realizing that Crew doesnt make you happy in the slightest any more: saddening
Re-Realizing that around people you just act like the way they want you to act: bleak
Seeing that another person you were close to has hit the same status as Neylon: depressing
Having all this hit you in about 3 hours time: fucked up
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Show me what it's like
To dream in black and white,
So I can leave this world tonight.
--- Breaking Benjaming, Unknown Soldier, Phobia
Having your mother bitch about random shit again: irritating
Not likeing setting up something for Crew: a let down
Realizing that Crew doesnt make you happy in the slightest any more: saddening
Re-Realizing that around people you just act like the way they want you to act: bleak
Seeing that another person you were close to has hit the same status as Neylon: depressing
Having all this hit you in about 3 hours time: fucked up
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Show me what it's like
To dream in black and white,
So I can leave this world tonight.
--- Breaking Benjaming, Unknown Soldier, Phobia
Alura - 3:22 PM