[::..Selfish..::]
Ok, I havent updated this thing in a while and there are a few topics that I need to adress. Three topics, actually. These topics include: Friends, Neylon, and MD.
Friends:
I've got no major grievences right now. I'm just getting annoyed with people again. A LOT! I cant explain it. It just feels like I cant be myself around you guys. I have to be what you want. I know no one is asking that of me. But I just dont know how to truly relax around you and not think.
And there are some people that one minute I love you to death and the next, I kinda wanna kill you. I'm tired of being judged. Yeah I feel judged around some of you. Perhaps thats part of the reason I cant relax around you. I dont want to her hurt.
Neylon:
I know this topic is supposed to be dead but I feel it needs to be revisited for certain reasons. Lately Neylon has actually been popping up places near me. And when that happens, you see a Rhodes (Yes Rhodes cause thats who I am to most of you, even if thats not who I want to be) that is unhappy, even a bit hostile?
I DO NOT HATE MATTHEW JAMES NEYLON!!!!!!!!!!!
You dont believe me, and if I were you I wouldnt either. But I really dont. I just dont want him near me, cant have him near me. This is how I view that whole situation: Neylon was in my life for a reason. That was to teach me to open up more and to love. He taught me those things, and after that we were supposed to go our seperate ways. Thats what Fate dictated. But we didnt listen. We tried to remain friends and in the end we both got hurt, both got confused and both got thrown off track. Now that I've realized this, I cant let him near me. Doing so could cause trouble for me, him and eveyone around us cause Matt Neylon and I are no longer meant to be friends. I look back on the times I had with him fondly and with great love because some of those were the best times of my life. But thats over. Very over.
MD:
Yeah, Matt again. What can I say, that boy causes me great trouble. I dont really know what else to say about him. It just feels as if no update on this Blogger would be complete without mention of him. Hes the highlight of my life and the most confusing part of it as well. Hes the one person I feel free with. No mask, no fear. Just me and him and being a girl in love. He accepts me. At least I think he does. And thats all I need. Well I want more, crave and desire more, but I know thats not gonna happen cause I dont deserve him.
I know you think this is a self-pitty trip, designed to get attention. But I really feel this way sometimes. I just have so many things in my past (depression, suicide, molestation, etc) that just make me feel so unclean like I shouldnt even be near him. Yet I am, and was makes it worse (better?) is that he knows all this about me. He knows the full story behind all of that and still he treats me normally; jokes with me, talks with me, cares for me?
Sometimes I just get filled with so much love for him I dont know what to do. Dont know how to release it or express it. Sometimes I think he's toying with me. Knows I'm falling for him fast and is using that for his amusement. And then I feel horrible for even thinking that! Hes a nice guys under it all, how dare I accuse him of such an evil deed?
The other times I think hes trying to tell me something. Like he'll explain his theory that girls like guys that are assholes. And I cant help but wonder if thats supposed to be an explaintion for his actions. Or he'll ask me my opinions on things like sex, marriage, etc and I think maybe hes thinking of me in those terms. Then other times he'll say that the Friend Zone is impossible to get out of and I remember that he once told me I was in his "circle of friends." Then his friends will say things like "where's you girlfriend Jess?" or "when are you gonna take Jessica to Chinatown again?" And I think that maybe its their way of trying to get him to do something. Or perhaps its a way to make fun of me and my feelings for him. Then I feel horrible for accusing them of these things when they've never been anything but nice to me.
Then there are the really low times when I remember what Neylon used to accuse me of, of looking for signs when there werent any. And then I feel desperate and pathetic.
There are just so many signs that could me everything or nothing. How do I respond to them people? How do I decipher their meaning? If they even have one at all.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Baby I wonder if you feel the same as I do
I wonder if you're going through the things I'm going through,
---*Nsync, Two of Us, Celebrity
Friends:
I've got no major grievences right now. I'm just getting annoyed with people again. A LOT! I cant explain it. It just feels like I cant be myself around you guys. I have to be what you want. I know no one is asking that of me. But I just dont know how to truly relax around you and not think.
And there are some people that one minute I love you to death and the next, I kinda wanna kill you. I'm tired of being judged. Yeah I feel judged around some of you. Perhaps thats part of the reason I cant relax around you. I dont want to her hurt.
Neylon:
I know this topic is supposed to be dead but I feel it needs to be revisited for certain reasons. Lately Neylon has actually been popping up places near me. And when that happens, you see a Rhodes (Yes Rhodes cause thats who I am to most of you, even if thats not who I want to be) that is unhappy, even a bit hostile?
I DO NOT HATE MATTHEW JAMES NEYLON!!!!!!!!!!!
You dont believe me, and if I were you I wouldnt either. But I really dont. I just dont want him near me, cant have him near me. This is how I view that whole situation: Neylon was in my life for a reason. That was to teach me to open up more and to love. He taught me those things, and after that we were supposed to go our seperate ways. Thats what Fate dictated. But we didnt listen. We tried to remain friends and in the end we both got hurt, both got confused and both got thrown off track. Now that I've realized this, I cant let him near me. Doing so could cause trouble for me, him and eveyone around us cause Matt Neylon and I are no longer meant to be friends. I look back on the times I had with him fondly and with great love because some of those were the best times of my life. But thats over. Very over.
MD:
Yeah, Matt again. What can I say, that boy causes me great trouble. I dont really know what else to say about him. It just feels as if no update on this Blogger would be complete without mention of him. Hes the highlight of my life and the most confusing part of it as well. Hes the one person I feel free with. No mask, no fear. Just me and him and being a girl in love. He accepts me. At least I think he does. And thats all I need. Well I want more, crave and desire more, but I know thats not gonna happen cause I dont deserve him.
I know you think this is a self-pitty trip, designed to get attention. But I really feel this way sometimes. I just have so many things in my past (depression, suicide, molestation, etc) that just make me feel so unclean like I shouldnt even be near him. Yet I am, and was makes it worse (better?) is that he knows all this about me. He knows the full story behind all of that and still he treats me normally; jokes with me, talks with me, cares for me?
Sometimes I just get filled with so much love for him I dont know what to do. Dont know how to release it or express it. Sometimes I think he's toying with me. Knows I'm falling for him fast and is using that for his amusement. And then I feel horrible for even thinking that! Hes a nice guys under it all, how dare I accuse him of such an evil deed?
The other times I think hes trying to tell me something. Like he'll explain his theory that girls like guys that are assholes. And I cant help but wonder if thats supposed to be an explaintion for his actions. Or he'll ask me my opinions on things like sex, marriage, etc and I think maybe hes thinking of me in those terms. Then other times he'll say that the Friend Zone is impossible to get out of and I remember that he once told me I was in his "circle of friends." Then his friends will say things like "where's you girlfriend Jess?" or "when are you gonna take Jessica to Chinatown again?" And I think that maybe its their way of trying to get him to do something. Or perhaps its a way to make fun of me and my feelings for him. Then I feel horrible for accusing them of these things when they've never been anything but nice to me.
Then there are the really low times when I remember what Neylon used to accuse me of, of looking for signs when there werent any. And then I feel desperate and pathetic.
There are just so many signs that could me everything or nothing. How do I respond to them people? How do I decipher their meaning? If they even have one at all.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
Baby I wonder if you feel the same as I do
I wonder if you're going through the things I'm going through,
---*Nsync, Two of Us, Celebrity
Alura - 11:04 PM