[::..Been Awhile?..::]
It's been awhile since I've used this thing. But I'm nervous, bored and just generally freaked out right now. Here's the story:
Matt Dang? That's over. I died right about the time collegee start, it just finally faded away. We chit chat via Facebook, but that's it. But there is a new boy.
Brenton Bridgeforth. *sigh**swoon*
I met him at this "Speed Dating/Freshman Meet and Greet" thing. No, hes not a freshman. He's a Junior/Senior. (He's graduating in 3 years.) He was the guy in charge of it, but beacuse there were more girls then guys, he had to participate. So once he gets to me, we start talking. We had a nice 3 minute conversation and I found in him interesting (and good looking) and apparently he found me intersting as well because when our 3 minutes were up, he suddenly announced a 5 minute break, but wouldn't let me leave. He offered to get me a snack, then we kept talking. It was very nice, it wasn't just chit chat either, it was an intelligent conversation. He's studying psycology and social work, so he's intellegent *happy sigh*
So after the break, I sneak out because the friends that had dragged me there had ditched. So I left, smile on my face and get (characteristically) on the computer. I look him up on Facebook, friend him, etc. We then start talking, here's the thread:
B: so wha are a few things which u want to do before u get too old?
J: learn Japanese, hit the three major cities of Japan (Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto) then spend a few weeks touring the country side, taking in the culture, visting shrines and temples, etc.help to change the teaching of history. History is known as a 'boring' subject because it is usually taught as simple memorization of facts, dates and names. When really, history is much more interesting then just learning dates and things. History has the opportunity to be the best subject possible. There's debate, discussion, and analysis possible. More teachers of history need to teach intigrating those ideas. publish my own book of poetry.What about you?
B: i dont know if my list is as long as yours but...a few things are:- gettin my motorcycle ( this will be soon though, 3 yrs i believe)- take a cruise tha would tour the world- have my own practice (give me years and tha will happen soon enough)- marry and have kidsstart my lil entrepreneur thingy afta i get outta college- be an accomplish musician- skydive / bungee jump jet ski , parasail- seadiving or the easier one- learn nijiseu (didnt spell tha rite at all)- go and tango at a club - and thats about all nothin to big but its not small at allbut u say history is interesting rite? but if so then shouldnt both sides of history be taught and not just the winner's side??to make it fair and even? and memorizin' facts is wha most do in the word is it not? so why should students do any differ?
J: I think your list is larger then mine. And yours goals are practical at least. lol I'm a huge advocate for learning both sides of history. Knowing both sides is where the fun in History is. That's where the debate, discussion and analysis is. If you only know one side of the story, what can you argue? Also, I'm not saying that memorizing the facts isn't important. It's vital. But the facts should be learned not just to regurgitate them onto a test or in a paper. The facts should be learned so that you can use the facts in discussion. Also, discussion, debate and analysis helps you further learn the facts. The whole thing comes full circle. I suppose my major point is that students shouldn't learn the facts just to pass a class, but should learn them because they can use them in debate. Not only that, but use them to better understand the world we are in. Because if you understand how we got where we are, you can have a better chance of seeing where we are going.
B: so how did we get where we are?? by ur understanding of history??? well sure u can argue but will it be a good debate huh?? so wha else do u enjoy?
B: okay discard tha last message cause ha will take a minute. something tha i would like to ask u if u dont mind, would be wha made you who u are (and dont give me a few words like my life get into a lil detail por favor, gracious
J: That's not an easy question to answer. The cliche, but still true answer is my family, friends and peers. They always play an role in making a person who they are. Your family teaches you values while your friends and peers get you involved in new and different thing. But if I'm picking something other then just famiy and friends, then I guess I'd have to say that my battle with deprsesion has been a major factor in making me who I am.
B: ok wha do u plan on doin today? i'd rather talk u in person so wha time do u have open today?
Ok, so after that, we met up. He begged me to let him read some of my poetry. So we went to Cold Stone, (he didn't let me pay or open my own door) and he read some of my stuff. Then we talked again. Both about important things like "what is love, lust and like" and silly things like DBZ and Final Fantasy. The he finds out that I have never played Halo, and according to him that is just wrong, so he drags me out of Cold Stone, drives back to campus, sits me in his room and helped me play Halo.
At this point, I'm thinking "damn, what a nice guy. Ok, note to self. No likeing him." So we run into each other a bit more, talk via facebook, makes plans to meet again for more Halo, etc. After the 2nd Halo session I realize, that fuck, I fell for him. *sigh* But I say its not my point. I mean he's so wonderful. Here's some more about him:
But this question had been weighing no me. WTF is this shit!?!?!??!?! I was trying not to think about it too much the last few days, but now its just an hour and a half till practice and I'm freaking. I dont know exactly what to say. I'm not gonna lie, but I'm nervous as fuck. Me + emotional honesty= BAD!!! I mean, if I can do it, this will either make or break something. Like, I have a HUGE chance of being bitten in the ass and it freightens me. I'd worried guys, like I'm starting to shake. Wish me luck, please. I wouldn't ask for this, but pray for me. Cause I need to lean to be fully honest with people so this is important on more then just a superficial level.
ttyl and hugs for all,
---Jessica
Aishiatte tsutaeatte motto soba de kanjitai no
LOVE LETTER from my heart
LOVE LETTER for your smile
uchiagetai kono omoi wo
(Loving you and saying that I want to feel more close to youI want to confess my feelings)
---BoA, Love Letter, Love Letter
Matt Dang? That's over. I died right about the time collegee start, it just finally faded away. We chit chat via Facebook, but that's it. But there is a new boy.
Brenton Bridgeforth. *sigh**swoon*
I met him at this "Speed Dating/Freshman Meet and Greet" thing. No, hes not a freshman. He's a Junior/Senior. (He's graduating in 3 years.) He was the guy in charge of it, but beacuse there were more girls then guys, he had to participate. So once he gets to me, we start talking. We had a nice 3 minute conversation and I found in him interesting (and good looking) and apparently he found me intersting as well because when our 3 minutes were up, he suddenly announced a 5 minute break, but wouldn't let me leave. He offered to get me a snack, then we kept talking. It was very nice, it wasn't just chit chat either, it was an intelligent conversation. He's studying psycology and social work, so he's intellegent *happy sigh*
So after the break, I sneak out because the friends that had dragged me there had ditched. So I left, smile on my face and get (characteristically) on the computer. I look him up on Facebook, friend him, etc. We then start talking, here's the thread:
B: so wha are a few things which u want to do before u get too old?
J: learn Japanese, hit the three major cities of Japan (Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto) then spend a few weeks touring the country side, taking in the culture, visting shrines and temples, etc.help to change the teaching of history. History is known as a 'boring' subject because it is usually taught as simple memorization of facts, dates and names. When really, history is much more interesting then just learning dates and things. History has the opportunity to be the best subject possible. There's debate, discussion, and analysis possible. More teachers of history need to teach intigrating those ideas. publish my own book of poetry.What about you?
B: i dont know if my list is as long as yours but...a few things are:- gettin my motorcycle ( this will be soon though, 3 yrs i believe)- take a cruise tha would tour the world- have my own practice (give me years and tha will happen soon enough)- marry and have kidsstart my lil entrepreneur thingy afta i get outta college- be an accomplish musician- skydive / bungee jump jet ski , parasail- seadiving or the easier one- learn nijiseu (didnt spell tha rite at all)- go and tango at a club - and thats about all nothin to big but its not small at allbut u say history is interesting rite? but if so then shouldnt both sides of history be taught and not just the winner's side??to make it fair and even? and memorizin' facts is wha most do in the word is it not? so why should students do any differ?
J: I think your list is larger then mine. And yours goals are practical at least. lol I'm a huge advocate for learning both sides of history. Knowing both sides is where the fun in History is. That's where the debate, discussion and analysis is. If you only know one side of the story, what can you argue? Also, I'm not saying that memorizing the facts isn't important. It's vital. But the facts should be learned not just to regurgitate them onto a test or in a paper. The facts should be learned so that you can use the facts in discussion. Also, discussion, debate and analysis helps you further learn the facts. The whole thing comes full circle. I suppose my major point is that students shouldn't learn the facts just to pass a class, but should learn them because they can use them in debate. Not only that, but use them to better understand the world we are in. Because if you understand how we got where we are, you can have a better chance of seeing where we are going.
B: so how did we get where we are?? by ur understanding of history??? well sure u can argue but will it be a good debate huh?? so wha else do u enjoy?
B: okay discard tha last message cause ha will take a minute. something tha i would like to ask u if u dont mind, would be wha made you who u are (and dont give me a few words like my life get into a lil detail por favor, gracious
J: That's not an easy question to answer. The cliche, but still true answer is my family, friends and peers. They always play an role in making a person who they are. Your family teaches you values while your friends and peers get you involved in new and different thing. But if I'm picking something other then just famiy and friends, then I guess I'd have to say that my battle with deprsesion has been a major factor in making me who I am.
B: ok wha do u plan on doin today? i'd rather talk u in person so wha time do u have open today?
Ok, so after that, we met up. He begged me to let him read some of my poetry. So we went to Cold Stone, (he didn't let me pay or open my own door) and he read some of my stuff. Then we talked again. Both about important things like "what is love, lust and like" and silly things like DBZ and Final Fantasy. The he finds out that I have never played Halo, and according to him that is just wrong, so he drags me out of Cold Stone, drives back to campus, sits me in his room and helped me play Halo.
At this point, I'm thinking "damn, what a nice guy. Ok, note to self. No likeing him." So we run into each other a bit more, talk via facebook, makes plans to meet again for more Halo, etc. After the 2nd Halo session I realize, that fuck, I fell for him. *sigh* But I say its not my point. I mean he's so wonderful. Here's some more about him:
- Taken me out for ice cream.
- Invited me to his room (to play Halo).
- Refuses to let me open my own door.
- Walks me to wherever I am going when I leave.
- Refuses to let me pay for anything.
- Asks about me, like genuine deep questions.
- Helps me when I'm failing in Halo (and I swear I dont mess up on purpose sometimes! <_<>_>)
- Used me as a pillow.
- Worries if I'm cold or tired, or whatever.
- Tries to make me laugh.
- Invites me to his room for movies
- Offered to let me take a nap in his room when I'm tired
- Offered me a massage
- Plays bass guitar
- Compliments my hair
But this question had been weighing no me. WTF is this shit!?!?!??!?! I was trying not to think about it too much the last few days, but now its just an hour and a half till practice and I'm freaking. I dont know exactly what to say. I'm not gonna lie, but I'm nervous as fuck. Me + emotional honesty= BAD!!! I mean, if I can do it, this will either make or break something. Like, I have a HUGE chance of being bitten in the ass and it freightens me. I'd worried guys, like I'm starting to shake. Wish me luck, please. I wouldn't ask for this, but pray for me. Cause I need to lean to be fully honest with people so this is important on more then just a superficial level.
ttyl and hugs for all,
---Jessica
Aishiatte tsutaeatte motto soba de kanjitai no
LOVE LETTER from my heart
LOVE LETTER for your smile
uchiagetai kono omoi wo
(Loving you and saying that I want to feel more close to youI want to confess my feelings)
---BoA, Love Letter, Love Letter
Alura - 6:51 PM
Saturday, June 09, 2007
[::..Gone..::]
Monday is Matt's last day at Subway. Last, final, no more. I'll prolly never see him again after that. Never speak to him, never laugh with him, never confide in him, never touch him again.
What am I gonna do?
Maybe this is the perfect chance to get over him. But do I even want to get over him? I care for him so much, and then suddenly *poof* hes leaving. Maybe I should feel special, I was the 1st person he told because we spoke for like half an hour the other night. And even thought I had an warning that it might happen...
It hurts. Like after he left, Iris came on the radio and I wanted to cry. I dont know what to do. Hes notorious for not keeping in touch with people after leaving. Hes done it to Brad, Indre, Tom, Jason... I dont chance at seeing him again. Hes gone guys, the hot, smart, funny, caring asian that I've loved for so long, is finally leaving my life.
I'll never see him again.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man
And be strongI've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're
Gone
---Nysnc, Gone, Celebrity
What am I gonna do?
Maybe this is the perfect chance to get over him. But do I even want to get over him? I care for him so much, and then suddenly *poof* hes leaving. Maybe I should feel special, I was the 1st person he told because we spoke for like half an hour the other night. And even thought I had an warning that it might happen...
It hurts. Like after he left, Iris came on the radio and I wanted to cry. I dont know what to do. Hes notorious for not keeping in touch with people after leaving. Hes done it to Brad, Indre, Tom, Jason... I dont chance at seeing him again. Hes gone guys, the hot, smart, funny, caring asian that I've loved for so long, is finally leaving my life.
I'll never see him again.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man
And be strongI've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're
Gone
---Nysnc, Gone, Celebrity
Alura - 12:50 AM
Sunday, June 03, 2007
[::..In Two Places..::]
I'm a tad confused right now. You all know how I feel about Matt. I'm head over heals for him. But suddenly, I realized that what I always thought impossible, might just be happening to me.
I think I like another guy too. As in, I like two guys at once.
I always thought it was impossible. That there was no way I could like more then one guy at once seeing as how invested in a person I have to be, to like them. Yet there I was with the taste of jealously churning my stomach. My brain frying at the very idea. And now I idea wont leave me. I'm not sure yet. Or rather, I dont want to be sure yet. So I'm testing in the upcoming event. Who knows, maybe I'm being crazy. Maybe its just that I'm desperate. Hopefully I'll find out soon.
*sigh* What the hell is wrong with me. I keep picking guys that I not only have no chance with, but I shouldnt date. This one is worse though. I've really hit the low. This is the one guy that I CANT like, and here I am, thinking I might have a feeling or two for him that more then just friendship.
Pray for me, pray to whatever you worship. Please dont let this be true, or Cupid and I are gonna have to have a nice long chat. *grabs Ryuu*
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
“Cupid's a dodgy little bastard, he is!”
Ron looked up from his latest death prediction for Professor Trelawney (Attack by a thousand enraged exploding budgrigars), confusion evident on his face.
“How d'you reckon that, mate?”
“Well, it's obvious, really. Look, the barmy little blighter never ages. He flits around wearing nothing but a nappy, shooting his blasted arrows all over the place, not caring in the least what damage he does.” He tossed his hands up in agitation. “I ask you, is that a proper sort of job to have? I think not!”
--- Dodgy by AKA_Hagrid (AGREED)
EDIT:
I think it died. The feelings for the 2nd guy. *lets out deep breath* That makes life a million times easier!
I think I like another guy too. As in, I like two guys at once.
I always thought it was impossible. That there was no way I could like more then one guy at once seeing as how invested in a person I have to be, to like them. Yet there I was with the taste of jealously churning my stomach. My brain frying at the very idea. And now I idea wont leave me. I'm not sure yet. Or rather, I dont want to be sure yet. So I'm testing in the upcoming event. Who knows, maybe I'm being crazy. Maybe its just that I'm desperate. Hopefully I'll find out soon.
*sigh* What the hell is wrong with me. I keep picking guys that I not only have no chance with, but I shouldnt date. This one is worse though. I've really hit the low. This is the one guy that I CANT like, and here I am, thinking I might have a feeling or two for him that more then just friendship.
Pray for me, pray to whatever you worship. Please dont let this be true, or Cupid and I are gonna have to have a nice long chat. *grabs Ryuu*
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
“Cupid's a dodgy little bastard, he is!”
Ron looked up from his latest death prediction for Professor Trelawney (Attack by a thousand enraged exploding budgrigars), confusion evident on his face.
“How d'you reckon that, mate?”
“Well, it's obvious, really. Look, the barmy little blighter never ages. He flits around wearing nothing but a nappy, shooting his blasted arrows all over the place, not caring in the least what damage he does.” He tossed his hands up in agitation. “I ask you, is that a proper sort of job to have? I think not!”
--- Dodgy by AKA_Hagrid (AGREED)
EDIT:
I think it died. The feelings for the 2nd guy. *lets out deep breath* That makes life a million times easier!
Alura - 12:50 AM
Sunday, May 20, 2007
[::..Recap and Update Before Its All Said And Done..::]
The last, however long, has been emotional hell. Every tiny little thing pissed me off, or made me cry or something. It was crazy. I even snapped so far as to kinda talk to my mother. Yeah you read that right, I kinda talked to her. Enough so that I think she may lighten up a bit on her bitchy ness. I also have to go to the doctor on Thursday. Whatever. That'll be awkward! *sigh*
I worked with Matt today. It was brilliant. It was pointless and stupid and I felt so alive! Working with Matt is the only time I really slack off and not work my but off when at Subway. I'm too busy enjoying myself. Novel concept right? Enjoying myself. I hardly enjoy myself doing what I like doing, let alone at work. I dont know what it is, but...
Ok, I lied. I know what it is. He makes me feel alive. When I'm with him theres no pretending to be happy, its all real. I smile because I mean it, not because its expected. I laugh because he really makes me think that life's ok, not because I should. I'm real around him, free and happy. *sigh* Today was the 1st really good day I've in forever. I mean, I've had decent days, but not good days. Not great days. Not days where everything seems alright, where all I could think of were happy thoughts. *smile* I want this feeling to last. Forever. I want to repeat today for the rest of eternity, just to feel that great.
I'm such a sucker. I know it. I know I have no shot. None of at. But... I can dream right? I can hope.
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Jessica
I'm waiting for the phone to ring
And all the wonder love should bring
All the things darling I left behind
Please give me a sign
A little smile would light my life
A single touch would blow my mind
---Nsync, Crazy For You, Nsync
I worked with Matt today. It was brilliant. It was pointless and stupid and I felt so alive! Working with Matt is the only time I really slack off and not work my but off when at Subway. I'm too busy enjoying myself. Novel concept right? Enjoying myself. I hardly enjoy myself doing what I like doing, let alone at work. I dont know what it is, but...
Ok, I lied. I know what it is. He makes me feel alive. When I'm with him theres no pretending to be happy, its all real. I smile because I mean it, not because its expected. I laugh because he really makes me think that life's ok, not because I should. I'm real around him, free and happy. *sigh* Today was the 1st really good day I've in forever. I mean, I've had decent days, but not good days. Not great days. Not days where everything seems alright, where all I could think of were happy thoughts. *smile* I want this feeling to last. Forever. I want to repeat today for the rest of eternity, just to feel that great.
I'm such a sucker. I know it. I know I have no shot. None of at. But... I can dream right? I can hope.
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Jessica
I'm waiting for the phone to ring
And all the wonder love should bring
All the things darling I left behind
Please give me a sign
A little smile would light my life
A single touch would blow my mind
---Nsync, Crazy For You, Nsync
Alura - 9:02 PM
Thursday, April 12, 2007
[::..Wicked Relapse..::]
It all started at Wicked. I was sitting there, staring at eye candy and listenting to I'm Not That Girl. It was great of course. And while I was sitting there, singing softly along I started to tear up. And I thought of Matt. I was like "what the fuck!" But I quickly put it out of mind. I chalked it up to the fact that I'm not completly over him and it would take my mind some time to reorganize with the new mode of thinking.
Except yesterday, I kept thinknig about him. Not a lot! Or even in explicit terms. I'd just randomly be like... "la la la, Matt Dang. Oh shit!" But I chalked it up to the same excuse.
Then today, I was talking to Steffi, telling her about the truth of Subway and what not and I even told her that I used to have a crush on Matt. I figured it wasnt a secret and it might explain our bickering. Except Matt got to work after 1) MJ bitching to me about him for litterally, half an hour and 2) Steffi and I getting SLAMMED!!!!!!!! She kinda got thrown on the line and she handled it wonderfully and was great. We even have a bit in common. But I wont go into detail now.
Anyway, so I'm not in the most inclined mood to be nice to him. Especially since I had been, annoyingly, thinking about him. So he walks in just as our rush is ending (26 in a half hour thank you!), meandering and taking his sweet time, with nothing in his hands. Yup! He forgot his uniform again! Then before he even gets to the computer to punch in, his phone rings. So after everthing calms down I, naturally, hit him with my visor. Several times, and throw it as him too. Ooops! There goes my attempt at non-violence. Oh well.
So after bit, John and Tim come in. So naturally he talks to them for over an hour. Leaving me to work, train Steffi and not kill him. He did some customer, but not many. Steffi prolly doesnt have the best 1st impression of him. Good thing he's usually able to get past that. But beyond, that I was pretty annoyed with him and all, but couldnt help but find him annoyingly intriging. I kept looking at him (yes even his ass. Oh man those were some nice jeans! ^_^), I knew I kept mentionin him and everytime I spoke to him, it was rude and sarcastic. And once he was done talking to his friends (at about 8 when Steffi left), all we did was bicker. It was like old times, when I knew I was smitten. And thats when I knew it for sure.
I've relapsed.
I didnt even last a week! No, just a few days of not having him constanly in my head and I'm back to staring at his ass and wanting to make out with him. It like hes a drug, coke thats in my system and wont leave me alone. But oh! The high I get. I know it will lead nowhere, but the feeling, the adrinaline rush..... Its worth it. Almost. I think...? *sigh*
Of course, I know nothin's possible. But it only makes him annoyingly more attractive! I know hes not perfect. Far from it. But hes kind at heart and sweet, and fun and intelligent. Of course hes also cocky and egotisical... But who isnt to an extent? And how much of that is true? How much an act? I mean I've had him say some genuinly sweet things. Things I dont think he releaized he was saying. Things from the heart. And hes so supportive! When I told him about my cousin he was so sweet! And I can tell him things and he'll give me a bluntly honest opinion.
And I dont feel the same around anyone else. He puts a smile on my face whiles hes driving me nuts! And I know that in a relationship with him, I wouldnt be #1 in his time and that I wouldnt be treated like a princess. But I'm not the kinda girl for that treatment. I like hot gay sex and power tools. If I go a day without speaking to you, thats cool. We have seperate lives other then each other and commitements we had before we got together. I do expect to be spoken to but I dont die if we miss a day. I dont need fancy dates. The occasionally movie and many dinner is cool but hey! Sitting around and talking or watching a movie at home is cool too. Its the little things that count, like sharing a few nice words then knowing everything about you. I wanna learn about you slowly, no rush, no pressure. I dont wanna be treated like a princess, like I said, I'm a wood shop kinda gal. You can tell me to shut up, you can treat me like one of the guys, you can joke with me and have random arguments with me. I'm not delicate and I wont be treated as such. And I know that in a relationship with Matt, that's prolly what I'd get. And I think thats what I need. Someone I dont have to hold back with in any way. Someone who can contend with me physically, mentally and intellectually. I need a challange, I need a fight. And Matt's a challenge if I've ever seen one!
Oh and have I ever mentioned hes hot? ^_^ And apparently Shaffer agrees with me now. But I've had words with her on that. Though it is nice to know I'm right. Cause that is one hot asian. Rapable I must add. Oh yes, rapable. I want him, I just want to kiss him and find out its not what I thought and move past. Or just yell at him to get out of my head and my system; to release me from his spell. Turn off the hot smile, take the hot ass away from me, keep the personality away and never come near me. Cause I know nothing will ever come of my emotions. *sigh* Well, despite this set back, I'm not giving up hope. I need to keep my male prospects open over summer and next year. Who knows, I may never even see Matt again after I leave.
Oh God that's scary.
What the fuck is wrong with me!?
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
"Thats one hot asian in a polo!"
---Shaffer *shakes head*
Except yesterday, I kept thinknig about him. Not a lot! Or even in explicit terms. I'd just randomly be like... "la la la, Matt Dang. Oh shit!" But I chalked it up to the same excuse.
Then today, I was talking to Steffi, telling her about the truth of Subway and what not and I even told her that I used to have a crush on Matt. I figured it wasnt a secret and it might explain our bickering. Except Matt got to work after 1) MJ bitching to me about him for litterally, half an hour and 2) Steffi and I getting SLAMMED!!!!!!!! She kinda got thrown on the line and she handled it wonderfully and was great. We even have a bit in common. But I wont go into detail now.
Anyway, so I'm not in the most inclined mood to be nice to him. Especially since I had been, annoyingly, thinking about him. So he walks in just as our rush is ending (26 in a half hour thank you!), meandering and taking his sweet time, with nothing in his hands. Yup! He forgot his uniform again! Then before he even gets to the computer to punch in, his phone rings. So after everthing calms down I, naturally, hit him with my visor. Several times, and throw it as him too. Ooops! There goes my attempt at non-violence. Oh well.
So after bit, John and Tim come in. So naturally he talks to them for over an hour. Leaving me to work, train Steffi and not kill him. He did some customer, but not many. Steffi prolly doesnt have the best 1st impression of him. Good thing he's usually able to get past that. But beyond, that I was pretty annoyed with him and all, but couldnt help but find him annoyingly intriging. I kept looking at him (yes even his ass. Oh man those were some nice jeans! ^_^), I knew I kept mentionin him and everytime I spoke to him, it was rude and sarcastic. And once he was done talking to his friends (at about 8 when Steffi left), all we did was bicker. It was like old times, when I knew I was smitten. And thats when I knew it for sure.
I've relapsed.
I didnt even last a week! No, just a few days of not having him constanly in my head and I'm back to staring at his ass and wanting to make out with him. It like hes a drug, coke thats in my system and wont leave me alone. But oh! The high I get. I know it will lead nowhere, but the feeling, the adrinaline rush..... Its worth it. Almost. I think...? *sigh*
Of course, I know nothin's possible. But it only makes him annoyingly more attractive! I know hes not perfect. Far from it. But hes kind at heart and sweet, and fun and intelligent. Of course hes also cocky and egotisical... But who isnt to an extent? And how much of that is true? How much an act? I mean I've had him say some genuinly sweet things. Things I dont think he releaized he was saying. Things from the heart. And hes so supportive! When I told him about my cousin he was so sweet! And I can tell him things and he'll give me a bluntly honest opinion.
And I dont feel the same around anyone else. He puts a smile on my face whiles hes driving me nuts! And I know that in a relationship with him, I wouldnt be #1 in his time and that I wouldnt be treated like a princess. But I'm not the kinda girl for that treatment. I like hot gay sex and power tools. If I go a day without speaking to you, thats cool. We have seperate lives other then each other and commitements we had before we got together. I do expect to be spoken to but I dont die if we miss a day. I dont need fancy dates. The occasionally movie and many dinner is cool but hey! Sitting around and talking or watching a movie at home is cool too. Its the little things that count, like sharing a few nice words then knowing everything about you. I wanna learn about you slowly, no rush, no pressure. I dont wanna be treated like a princess, like I said, I'm a wood shop kinda gal. You can tell me to shut up, you can treat me like one of the guys, you can joke with me and have random arguments with me. I'm not delicate and I wont be treated as such. And I know that in a relationship with Matt, that's prolly what I'd get. And I think thats what I need. Someone I dont have to hold back with in any way. Someone who can contend with me physically, mentally and intellectually. I need a challange, I need a fight. And Matt's a challenge if I've ever seen one!
Oh and have I ever mentioned hes hot? ^_^ And apparently Shaffer agrees with me now. But I've had words with her on that. Though it is nice to know I'm right. Cause that is one hot asian. Rapable I must add. Oh yes, rapable. I want him, I just want to kiss him and find out its not what I thought and move past. Or just yell at him to get out of my head and my system; to release me from his spell. Turn off the hot smile, take the hot ass away from me, keep the personality away and never come near me. Cause I know nothing will ever come of my emotions. *sigh* Well, despite this set back, I'm not giving up hope. I need to keep my male prospects open over summer and next year. Who knows, I may never even see Matt again after I leave.
Oh God that's scary.
What the fuck is wrong with me!?
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
"Thats one hot asian in a polo!"
---Shaffer *shakes head*
Alura - 11:45 PM