[::..Another Problem?..::]
Ok, I think I have another problem. Not a huge one, but still a legitimate one. How am I supposed to act? I'm getting together with my freinds tomorrow. Yay! But How am I supposed to act? I dont know how to not but on my brave face. My act automaticaly goes up when I'm around people. I have no control over it. Because the Rhodes that isn't wearing the mask, isn't fun. That's the Rhodes that cries all the time and wants to die. No one wants to be around that Rhdoes. No one. So now I'm at a lost. I mean, the point of hanging as a group is so we can have fun, so that means I have to put on the act. Act is the wrong word for it really. Its not all an act. I mean, when I'm with my freinds I really am happy. I just numb everything else and focus on my friends, so its not false, its a real laugh and a real smile. It just doesnt reach the depths of my soul. So I guess to be honest, I should say I dont know how to dethaw myself around people. And I'm not sure I want to. I want to hang out and have fun. Its something I live for. So like I said, I have another problem. I cant just not freeze that part of me, I'd fall apart. I'd be no fun. *sigh* This is so annoying. So difficult. *double sigh* What to do? What to do....? And its not like I can change quickly either. I'd love to, but I can't. I mean, I've even been told by a two people in the last 24 hrs that our freindships will never be the same. What kind of an insintive is that? And before I can get better, I need to be open. There are so many more things that arent on either my Xanga or this. So many things I dont even feel comfortable writing, things that I never really solved from 5th grade. My insecurites with men, my feelings of never being good enough, Cinderella Syndrome, my feelings of neglect, my feelings of betrayal. All of these things and more are things that I'll need to talk about, confess before I'll ever really move on in life.
So my goal now, is to open up. Start talking about my problems. Talking, not typing. *triple sigh* I'm screwed. I have such a long road ahead of me. Its so tempting to quite. To just stop. So tempting to go grab the knife sitting on my counter. *qradruple sigh* But as a great and wise man once said, "...you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy..."
So my goal now, is to open up. Start talking about my problems. Talking, not typing. *triple sigh* I'm screwed. I have such a long road ahead of me. Its so tempting to quite. To just stop. So tempting to go grab the knife sitting on my counter. *qradruple sigh* But as a great and wise man once said, "...you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy..."
Alura - 11:40 AM