[::..I Figured It Out..::]
Confidence. Something I used to have in spades. But now it seems like is more or less gone. Not confidence in what I'm good at, or what I want to do with my life. But confidence in whether or not my life is worth living, thats the confidence I seem to be missing. And its ruining my freindship. So now that I know thats my problem I need to figure out when this "confidence" left. Well, it was there in 7th grade. And 8th as well. I was content then, happy and joyful. And for most of 9th grade I was happy too. The act began at the end of 9th grade. After the Fiasco. I'm not saying all of this is Matt's fault, even though that sounds like what I'm implying. Its no!!!!!! This is all my fault. Cause the reason I couldn't bounce back from was a) my parents were getting me down and b) I thought that I was losing my best friend too. And the combination of the two made me for the 1st time in ages, question myself. Made me question whether or not I was worhty of having friends. If no one wanted to date me, then why be my friend, why care? My old insecurities came back. And it was my fault (not yours Matthew), because I had become so used to everything going well, to everything being more or less the same, that I didn't know what to do. How to handle the change.
So I've figured it out. The thing thats missing, the things that off in my life. Change. Unfamiliarity. It seems like everything just keeps changing. Change is ok. But its been happening so violently, quickly and relentlessly latly that I haven't had a chance to get used to one change, before another happens and I'm lost again. So whats missing, is stability. One thing that I can be sure of no matter what. I just dont think I have anything like that anymore. Even Matt said he was pulling away from me. So what I need to do is find some stability. Something unchanging in this ever changing world. Easier said then done. But I'm trying to be optimistic. (Its strange for me). I need to be happy, thankful, that I've finally figure out the problem. I dont know how to solve it. But I'm making headway.
So I've figured it out. The thing thats missing, the things that off in my life. Change. Unfamiliarity. It seems like everything just keeps changing. Change is ok. But its been happening so violently, quickly and relentlessly latly that I haven't had a chance to get used to one change, before another happens and I'm lost again. So whats missing, is stability. One thing that I can be sure of no matter what. I just dont think I have anything like that anymore. Even Matt said he was pulling away from me. So what I need to do is find some stability. Something unchanging in this ever changing world. Easier said then done. But I'm trying to be optimistic. (Its strange for me). I need to be happy, thankful, that I've finally figure out the problem. I dont know how to solve it. But I'm making headway.
Alura - 7:14 PM