[::..Free At Last..::]
Alright, how to start, how to start. First let me just say that this is good. It may sound emo or even heartless at times, but overall its good. I beg you, that if you start to read this, that you read it all! Otherwise you'll miss something. All right I'll start with yesterday at work. Once upon a time at Subway.....
Well, it was Friday night, payday and a couple of people came in to get their checks, including .... Tom! And let me just say one thing. OMFG!!! Hot, hot and more hot. He's even got this ghotee thing going on, and his clothes, oh! He was wearing this kickass swede jacket and.... Ok, back on topic. *blush* Tom came in and I was completely smitten by his hotness. He stayed a few mins, made chit chat with Bryan and I and then left. So I go to sit after he leaves and I'm just staring off into space. It was so bad that Bryan actually asked me, with real concern in his voice, if I was ok. lol.
While completely zonked out, I was think. a) Tom is H-O-T-T-T!! b) I have a completely physical, superficial crush on him c) Because its just a crush and there's no real emotion involved, that means little to no heart ache and d) Fin-a-fucking-ly!!!! Because you see, a feeling like I'm experiencing with Tom is something I haven't felt, haven't been able to feel since Junior High. Its similar to my old crush on Ken Thomas. Just a superficial crush on a good looking guy. (Though Tom is hotter.) I haven't been able to feel this way about anyone since 9th grade, around the time the Fiasco between Matt and I started. And to be able to feel this way about another guy means one thing. I'm moving on. Not just saying I'm moving on, not just hoping I'm moving on, but really actually moving on. Hell, I think I'm pretty much moved!
Take the other day as an example. Matt was supposed to give me the Chem homework in the morning, but he never showed. You see before, I would have freaked. I would have thought that Matt was doing this to hurt me, or that I had done something wrong and then I would have started crying and feel betrayed and alone and just a lot of emo shit. But that didn't happen. While it was annoying that I had to rush and do the Chem myself, I didn't really care. Ok, another example. Matt sat next to me the other morning. Normally I would have freaked with thoughts of how much I love him and blah, blah blah. My only thoughts then? 'Uh, your heads really close to mine (he was trying to look at Sam's camera at the same time as me) Wanna move it?' In other words, no emotion! I saw him and it was like eh! Instead of my usual rush of emotion. There's nothing! Nada, Zip. Hell I don't even care if we remain friends!
Ok, let me explain that last line. I know it sounded horribly evil, but its not!!!!!!! What I meant was that my existence, my happiness, no longer depends on our friendship remaining intact. Dont get me wrong, loosing a friend, or even just drifting from a friend hurts, esp with the history that Matt and I have. But its no longer a big deal. Before, if we hadn't remained friends I would have somehow blamed it on myself. I did the wrong thing, couldn't' move on, acted too emo, etc. And thus I would have hated myself and been miserable. Now? Well if we don't remain friends, while saddening, I can accept it as a natural part of our relationship. We hated each other, became friends, tried dating, fought hard to stay close, but in the end, drifted away. We learned a lot from each other along the way, shared many great memories, and made each other into the person they are today. Because we've known each other, we've been changed for good. (Intended musical reference.) We've shared a bond I wont soon forget and I doubt he will either. I'm not saying I'm giving up. I most certainly do still care about Matt as a friend, and do wish to remain his friend. But I no longer am trying to stay friends with him so that I can have him near me, or in hope that we might get back together. Matt's no longer what he used to be, my reason for existence.
I can best describe how I used to feel by quoting an Evanescence song, Anything For You:
I'll believe
All your lies
Just pretend you love me
Make believe
Close your eyes
I'll be anything for you
I used to be at the point where all I wanted was Matt's attention and anything else was fine. I was that desperate to have him in my life somehow. I know that sound pathetic, but there's a very good reason why. It takes a bit of diverging from our original topic into painful memories, but I'll give it a try. Back in 5th grade I was depressed, suicidal. You all know this. Well, I felt and believed the typical things one experiencing those emotions felt. Worthless, ugly, stupid, and anything of the like. I worked very hard duing Junior High to build for myself a better self-image. I managed it pretty well, I began to become confident in my intelligence, social skills, and just all around worth. But never my looks or personality. Never those two. Thus I instantly fell for the 1st person to show real interest in me. Matt. I always knew Matt had a bit of a crush on me and I used that as a way to make myself feel good about my self. It worked for a while, that is until the break up. Suddenly, (ok not so suddenly) he wasn't interested anymore. And if he wasn't who would be? Or at least that's how my thinking went. Who would want a short, fat, emo, rude, bitch? I know this sounds like I'm trying to make you pity me, I'm not. I'm just trying to make you all understand what I've been going through that past almost two years. I'm trying to make you see why I never moved on, why I clung so very tightly and why I was so easily broken.
What's changed all this? Several thing actually. 1) Troy, 2) Personality Changes, 3) Recent Events
Troy-
Troy is great! The German with his constant bi-polar ness never made me feel particularly good about myself. The opposite actually. But Troy is the type of person that is always saying something nice. Talking to him, (more him talking and me listening) has built my self-confidence so much! His constant reminder that I can get better, that I deserve better, that I'm pretty, and that any guy would be lucky to have me is just the thing I've missed in my life for so long.
Personality Changes-
On this count I don't mean my own personality changes. I'm not saying that I haven't changed, but I'm talking about Matt's changes, not mine. He's simply not the same person that he was in Junior High, or in 9th grade. In other words, he's not the person I fell in love with. I fell in love with Matthew James, the wonderful, sweet boy that always put me first. I fell in love with Matthew James that had no confidence in his ability to sing and in himself and thus I had to coach on how to be happy with himself, always remind him that I was his friend for who he was. Matt's no longer that person. He's just that, Matt. Matt's the one that broke my heart, strayed off to his other friends, and did things (sometimes purposefully) to piss me off and hurt me. I'm not saying that Matt's a complete jerk, but that certain something that was there, that I fell in love with is gone. I had hoped it would come back, but its not going to. And thus I can't love him anymore. He's not the same person. I will always be in love with Matthew James, first love and never forgetting and all that crap. But that something is gone, and I've moved on.
Recent Events-
My birthday being of the main two. Our convo last week being the other. Him ditching me on my birthday, what ever his reasons, hurt like a bitch. He lied to me, to my face! He told me he would do something with me, and then did something with someone else. On my birthday. All I could think was that he didn't care about me. And that he was using me, taking advantage of me. He knew that I loved him and thus was doing whatever he pleased just because I'd keep coming back. It was at that point that I realized he just wasn't the same person. Its also when Troy started talking me up. Then our convo last week. He admitted my worst fear. That what I said previously was true. He did do things and not think about how they would effect me because I would in the end get over it because of my feelings for him. Hearing him say that hurt like no other. But I needed to hear it because a)It's what Matt really thinks of me and b)I realized that not only is Matthew James gone, but gone for good. And that's when the past of the love I was holding onto dissipated. It was the evanescence of my love. Finally!
So what this entire, uber long entry means is that I've finally moved on. And finally taken care of one of the major problems in my life. Finally!! I'm finally free of at least one burden. My life isn't perfect, but that one burden held me back from so much, pushed me down so far..... To not have it makes me feel as if I can soar. I feel like flying, like my tears of joy are healing my old wounds, like my glorious song is filling my heart with hope of a better future. *takes a deep breath* Free at last, free at last. Thank God almightily I'm free at last!
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes aka The un caged Phoenix.
But since you been goneI can breathe for the first time
---Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone, Breakaway.
Well, it was Friday night, payday and a couple of people came in to get their checks, including .... Tom! And let me just say one thing. OMFG!!! Hot, hot and more hot. He's even got this ghotee thing going on, and his clothes, oh! He was wearing this kickass swede jacket and.... Ok, back on topic. *blush* Tom came in and I was completely smitten by his hotness. He stayed a few mins, made chit chat with Bryan and I and then left. So I go to sit after he leaves and I'm just staring off into space. It was so bad that Bryan actually asked me, with real concern in his voice, if I was ok. lol.
While completely zonked out, I was think. a) Tom is H-O-T-T-T!! b) I have a completely physical, superficial crush on him c) Because its just a crush and there's no real emotion involved, that means little to no heart ache and d) Fin-a-fucking-ly!!!! Because you see, a feeling like I'm experiencing with Tom is something I haven't felt, haven't been able to feel since Junior High. Its similar to my old crush on Ken Thomas. Just a superficial crush on a good looking guy. (Though Tom is hotter.) I haven't been able to feel this way about anyone since 9th grade, around the time the Fiasco between Matt and I started. And to be able to feel this way about another guy means one thing. I'm moving on. Not just saying I'm moving on, not just hoping I'm moving on, but really actually moving on. Hell, I think I'm pretty much moved!
Take the other day as an example. Matt was supposed to give me the Chem homework in the morning, but he never showed. You see before, I would have freaked. I would have thought that Matt was doing this to hurt me, or that I had done something wrong and then I would have started crying and feel betrayed and alone and just a lot of emo shit. But that didn't happen. While it was annoying that I had to rush and do the Chem myself, I didn't really care. Ok, another example. Matt sat next to me the other morning. Normally I would have freaked with thoughts of how much I love him and blah, blah blah. My only thoughts then? 'Uh, your heads really close to mine (he was trying to look at Sam's camera at the same time as me) Wanna move it?' In other words, no emotion! I saw him and it was like eh! Instead of my usual rush of emotion. There's nothing! Nada, Zip. Hell I don't even care if we remain friends!
Ok, let me explain that last line. I know it sounded horribly evil, but its not!!!!!!! What I meant was that my existence, my happiness, no longer depends on our friendship remaining intact. Dont get me wrong, loosing a friend, or even just drifting from a friend hurts, esp with the history that Matt and I have. But its no longer a big deal. Before, if we hadn't remained friends I would have somehow blamed it on myself. I did the wrong thing, couldn't' move on, acted too emo, etc. And thus I would have hated myself and been miserable. Now? Well if we don't remain friends, while saddening, I can accept it as a natural part of our relationship. We hated each other, became friends, tried dating, fought hard to stay close, but in the end, drifted away. We learned a lot from each other along the way, shared many great memories, and made each other into the person they are today. Because we've known each other, we've been changed for good. (Intended musical reference.) We've shared a bond I wont soon forget and I doubt he will either. I'm not saying I'm giving up. I most certainly do still care about Matt as a friend, and do wish to remain his friend. But I no longer am trying to stay friends with him so that I can have him near me, or in hope that we might get back together. Matt's no longer what he used to be, my reason for existence.
I can best describe how I used to feel by quoting an Evanescence song, Anything For You:
I'll believe
All your lies
Just pretend you love me
Make believe
Close your eyes
I'll be anything for you
I used to be at the point where all I wanted was Matt's attention and anything else was fine. I was that desperate to have him in my life somehow. I know that sound pathetic, but there's a very good reason why. It takes a bit of diverging from our original topic into painful memories, but I'll give it a try. Back in 5th grade I was depressed, suicidal. You all know this. Well, I felt and believed the typical things one experiencing those emotions felt. Worthless, ugly, stupid, and anything of the like. I worked very hard duing Junior High to build for myself a better self-image. I managed it pretty well, I began to become confident in my intelligence, social skills, and just all around worth. But never my looks or personality. Never those two. Thus I instantly fell for the 1st person to show real interest in me. Matt. I always knew Matt had a bit of a crush on me and I used that as a way to make myself feel good about my self. It worked for a while, that is until the break up. Suddenly, (ok not so suddenly) he wasn't interested anymore. And if he wasn't who would be? Or at least that's how my thinking went. Who would want a short, fat, emo, rude, bitch? I know this sounds like I'm trying to make you pity me, I'm not. I'm just trying to make you all understand what I've been going through that past almost two years. I'm trying to make you see why I never moved on, why I clung so very tightly and why I was so easily broken.
What's changed all this? Several thing actually. 1) Troy, 2) Personality Changes, 3) Recent Events
Troy-
Troy is great! The German with his constant bi-polar ness never made me feel particularly good about myself. The opposite actually. But Troy is the type of person that is always saying something nice. Talking to him, (more him talking and me listening) has built my self-confidence so much! His constant reminder that I can get better, that I deserve better, that I'm pretty, and that any guy would be lucky to have me is just the thing I've missed in my life for so long.
Personality Changes-
On this count I don't mean my own personality changes. I'm not saying that I haven't changed, but I'm talking about Matt's changes, not mine. He's simply not the same person that he was in Junior High, or in 9th grade. In other words, he's not the person I fell in love with. I fell in love with Matthew James, the wonderful, sweet boy that always put me first. I fell in love with Matthew James that had no confidence in his ability to sing and in himself and thus I had to coach on how to be happy with himself, always remind him that I was his friend for who he was. Matt's no longer that person. He's just that, Matt. Matt's the one that broke my heart, strayed off to his other friends, and did things (sometimes purposefully) to piss me off and hurt me. I'm not saying that Matt's a complete jerk, but that certain something that was there, that I fell in love with is gone. I had hoped it would come back, but its not going to. And thus I can't love him anymore. He's not the same person. I will always be in love with Matthew James, first love and never forgetting and all that crap. But that something is gone, and I've moved on.
Recent Events-
My birthday being of the main two. Our convo last week being the other. Him ditching me on my birthday, what ever his reasons, hurt like a bitch. He lied to me, to my face! He told me he would do something with me, and then did something with someone else. On my birthday. All I could think was that he didn't care about me. And that he was using me, taking advantage of me. He knew that I loved him and thus was doing whatever he pleased just because I'd keep coming back. It was at that point that I realized he just wasn't the same person. Its also when Troy started talking me up. Then our convo last week. He admitted my worst fear. That what I said previously was true. He did do things and not think about how they would effect me because I would in the end get over it because of my feelings for him. Hearing him say that hurt like no other. But I needed to hear it because a)It's what Matt really thinks of me and b)I realized that not only is Matthew James gone, but gone for good. And that's when the past of the love I was holding onto dissipated. It was the evanescence of my love. Finally!
So what this entire, uber long entry means is that I've finally moved on. And finally taken care of one of the major problems in my life. Finally!! I'm finally free of at least one burden. My life isn't perfect, but that one burden held me back from so much, pushed me down so far..... To not have it makes me feel as if I can soar. I feel like flying, like my tears of joy are healing my old wounds, like my glorious song is filling my heart with hope of a better future. *takes a deep breath* Free at last, free at last. Thank God almightily I'm free at last!
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes aka The un caged Phoenix.
But since you been goneI can breathe for the first time
---Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone, Breakaway.
Alura - 4:16 AM