[::..Enigma..::]
I hate men. They suck and they confuse me. Especially 19 year old, Vietnamese, Tennis players/coaches that work at Subway. Yeah, The (in)famous Matt Dang, Subway Matt, Asian Matt, MD, however you know him, that's who I'm talking about. Here's an update on that.
Well, we had our mutual excursion. Not a date, but he paid and all and he knew I wanted more then friends, so its was more then just hanging out. Nothing really happened. He walked me to my door and gave me a hug. ^_^
Well after that has just been flirting. Lots of raging hormones (for me at least), flirting, and talking. Lots of talking! Even telling him things that most of my friends don't know. (Sorry guys!) Its the most traumatic event of my life, the root of all my issues, a thing that until a couple of months ago, I never even acknowleged happened, not even to myself. Yet I told him. It came up in convo and he guessed, and I told him he was right. So he knows something that my parents don't even know about me. And now I'm full of questions. Questions, questions, questions.
What does he think?
Does he see me differently?
Does it turn him off?
Does he see me how I've always seen myself because of it?
Does he see me as dirty, tainted and worthless as I've always felt?
Does he see the pain of my childhood seeping into my life now?
Is this gonna make all this harder?
Will he not want to get involved with me now because I have baggage?
Will this turn off all guys I like?
Will I be destined to be alone because of this?
Does any guy deserve to be dragged down by my baggage?
Can I do that to him or anyone?
Is it fair?
Am I worth all that?
And that's not all, he was so sweet about it. He even tried to help me. He said that things like my personal space issues make sense now. And he was so sweet and optimistic. He said that I've already made progress with now hugging my friends and that he's sure that I would get over my issues if I found someone. Like had a boyfriend, fell in love, and found someone I could trust. And when I didnt immediately agree and just told him he was an optimist, he kept asking and insisting that if I had someone I could get over my issues. Of course, that brings more questions.
Is he offering?
Does he really mean that?
Why does he care so much?
Would it be right to take him up on the offer it it was one?
Why did he say that?
Was he trying to tell me that he isn't the one to help me?
Or that he is the one to help?
I just don't know! *sigh* It might have been easier if he weren't so nice. He seems to genuinely care about me. He encourages me to live healthier and listens to me. Grr... I just don't get him!
Why?
Is he interested or not?
Does he even know?
Will be be willing to try something?
Why am I so willing to put my heart on the line for him?
What is it about him that I find to endearing?
Why him?
Why now?
Why not?
I wish I knew the answers. I mean, I love working with him. I love talking to him. I love watching him. I love listening to him. I love sitting in silence with him.
Do I love him?
Is that possible yet?
Am I just obsessed?
Is it just like?
What is it?
Should I even try to define it?
This whole thing is an enigma. He's an enigma. My wonderful, hot, sweet, kinda, torturus little enigma. I hate my enigma. I love my enigma. *sigh* Matt, my enigma. What am I gonna do with you? What am I gonna do with you?
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes
What are you thinking?
Its so misleading.
Is it not for me to know?
I think its just hard for you to show.
---Trapt, Enigma, Trapt
Well, we had our mutual excursion. Not a date, but he paid and all and he knew I wanted more then friends, so its was more then just hanging out. Nothing really happened. He walked me to my door and gave me a hug. ^_^
Well after that has just been flirting. Lots of raging hormones (for me at least), flirting, and talking. Lots of talking! Even telling him things that most of my friends don't know. (Sorry guys!) Its the most traumatic event of my life, the root of all my issues, a thing that until a couple of months ago, I never even acknowleged happened, not even to myself. Yet I told him. It came up in convo and he guessed, and I told him he was right. So he knows something that my parents don't even know about me. And now I'm full of questions. Questions, questions, questions.
What does he think?
Does he see me differently?
Does it turn him off?
Does he see me how I've always seen myself because of it?
Does he see me as dirty, tainted and worthless as I've always felt?
Does he see the pain of my childhood seeping into my life now?
Is this gonna make all this harder?
Will he not want to get involved with me now because I have baggage?
Will this turn off all guys I like?
Will I be destined to be alone because of this?
Does any guy deserve to be dragged down by my baggage?
Can I do that to him or anyone?
Is it fair?
Am I worth all that?
And that's not all, he was so sweet about it. He even tried to help me. He said that things like my personal space issues make sense now. And he was so sweet and optimistic. He said that I've already made progress with now hugging my friends and that he's sure that I would get over my issues if I found someone. Like had a boyfriend, fell in love, and found someone I could trust. And when I didnt immediately agree and just told him he was an optimist, he kept asking and insisting that if I had someone I could get over my issues. Of course, that brings more questions.
Is he offering?
Does he really mean that?
Why does he care so much?
Would it be right to take him up on the offer it it was one?
Why did he say that?
Was he trying to tell me that he isn't the one to help me?
Or that he is the one to help?
I just don't know! *sigh* It might have been easier if he weren't so nice. He seems to genuinely care about me. He encourages me to live healthier and listens to me. Grr... I just don't get him!
Why?
Is he interested or not?
Does he even know?
Will be be willing to try something?
Why am I so willing to put my heart on the line for him?
What is it about him that I find to endearing?
Why him?
Why now?
Why not?
I wish I knew the answers. I mean, I love working with him. I love talking to him. I love watching him. I love listening to him. I love sitting in silence with him.
Do I love him?
Is that possible yet?
Am I just obsessed?
Is it just like?
What is it?
Should I even try to define it?
This whole thing is an enigma. He's an enigma. My wonderful, hot, sweet, kinda, torturus little enigma. I hate my enigma. I love my enigma. *sigh* Matt, my enigma. What am I gonna do with you? What am I gonna do with you?
ttyl and kinky sex dreams for all,
---Rhodes
What are you thinking?
Its so misleading.
Is it not for me to know?
I think its just hard for you to show.
---Trapt, Enigma, Trapt
Alura - 8:29 PM