[::..Zen..::]
Yeah, nothings really any better. I'm still lonely, annoyed, and miserable.
My mother pissed me off again. I was so upset at her yelling at me for no reason that while cleaning out her closet, (thats what she was yelling at me for) I just broke down in tears. She was in the next room, and didnt even notice. Further proof that my mother doesnt pay attention to me or care about my well being. I almost left. Like I had my wallet (with almost a full pay check), keys and phone (in case of emergencies) in my pockets, ready to leave at any moment. I didnt though.
And last night I avoided going home. I "went to the library." Well I actually did go for a bit, and I read up on depression. I'm pretty convienced I have a form of depression. I cant remember which form though. I got to emotional and left. I then went and bought Noodles to go and went to Barns and Noble to buy a book on depression. Its called The Zen Path Thorugh Depression. Seems good so far. I wanna try some of the medatations tonight.
I've also been thinking of dropping crew. Though that's prolly only the depression talking. I just dont seem to have the same joy for it like I used to. (Classic sign of depression.) I feel like its all fake. Like I have all these people there with me, but none of them are there with me. Make sense? Actually I've been feeling that way around everyone. From Jeremy to Marina. I just dont feel like any of it is worth while. I still feel alone no matter what. So why try. Especially with college coming up. Everyone's just gonna get split up anyway. *sigh* Though If I left Crew I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd have to be at home then. With my mother. And then I'd either kill her or myself. I already feel that way spending just 1-2 hours with her a day. And I dont wanna work everyday. Then I'd get sick of that. I just dont know what to do. Hopefully the book will help. I almost copied part of one of the books at read at Nichles and gave it to my mother. Almost.
Seems like now days the only person I can talk to and not feel too awkward with is MD. Though I havent talked to him much lately so I guess I'll see Saturday if thats still true. I hope so, cause I care about him a lot. *sigh* I cant stand not seeing him. Like I wanna go by Subway everyday hes working, just to see him, if only for a second. I'm so obsessed and I dont have a shot. Its that just my life?
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
--- Linking Park, Figure .09, Meteora
My mother pissed me off again. I was so upset at her yelling at me for no reason that while cleaning out her closet, (thats what she was yelling at me for) I just broke down in tears. She was in the next room, and didnt even notice. Further proof that my mother doesnt pay attention to me or care about my well being. I almost left. Like I had my wallet (with almost a full pay check), keys and phone (in case of emergencies) in my pockets, ready to leave at any moment. I didnt though.
And last night I avoided going home. I "went to the library." Well I actually did go for a bit, and I read up on depression. I'm pretty convienced I have a form of depression. I cant remember which form though. I got to emotional and left. I then went and bought Noodles to go and went to Barns and Noble to buy a book on depression. Its called The Zen Path Thorugh Depression. Seems good so far. I wanna try some of the medatations tonight.
I've also been thinking of dropping crew. Though that's prolly only the depression talking. I just dont seem to have the same joy for it like I used to. (Classic sign of depression.) I feel like its all fake. Like I have all these people there with me, but none of them are there with me. Make sense? Actually I've been feeling that way around everyone. From Jeremy to Marina. I just dont feel like any of it is worth while. I still feel alone no matter what. So why try. Especially with college coming up. Everyone's just gonna get split up anyway. *sigh* Though If I left Crew I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd have to be at home then. With my mother. And then I'd either kill her or myself. I already feel that way spending just 1-2 hours with her a day. And I dont wanna work everyday. Then I'd get sick of that. I just dont know what to do. Hopefully the book will help. I almost copied part of one of the books at read at Nichles and gave it to my mother. Almost.
Seems like now days the only person I can talk to and not feel too awkward with is MD. Though I havent talked to him much lately so I guess I'll see Saturday if thats still true. I hope so, cause I care about him a lot. *sigh* I cant stand not seeing him. Like I wanna go by Subway everyday hes working, just to see him, if only for a second. I'm so obsessed and I dont have a shot. Its that just my life?
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
--- Linking Park, Figure .09, Meteora
Alura - 10:36 PM