[::..So Few..::]
God, lately I'm so anti-social. Thats why I wasnt in school. I couldnt stand the thought of being in school. Its not school that I hate, its people. On an indivdual basis, most people are ok. Well kinda. Within the last few days, even more people have been added to my "Annoying As Hell" List. Its most of Tech Crew now.
It feels like there's a veil. Its thin, almost so thin, I cant see it sometimes. So I can be happy for moments. I can laugh and joke and almost mean it. I can be a teenager and almost forget hot old I truly feel.
But then the wind blows. And I feel the veil moving more and more, obscuring my view of the people around me. Making me feel isolated and confused. Suddenly everyones just a kid having fun, and I'm the one that no one sees. Well, they see me, see a body at least. They see a body going through the motions, waking each day, laughing at their jokes, writing each paper, taking each step, throwing each card.
They see Rhodes.
But does anyone see Jessica?
Does anyone see the lonely, confused little girl I really am? No. No one does. Sometimes I think that if wouldnt matter if I just left. People would notice that Rhodes was gone. But no one would miss me. They'd miss who they thought I was. That's all.
I'm just tired. Wearing a mask all the time is just so hard. I feel weighed down each moment of my life. Those three days allowed me to take my mask off. To just be me. The only other time I feel free like that is over the weekends when I work with Matt. (Yes folks, MD again.) With him I just feel so special. No, scratch that. I dont feel special at all. And thats that thing. I feel normal then. I dont feel like a fake, I dont feel like I have to pretend I'm happy. In those few hours with him, I actually feel happy. I feel like a normal 17 year old girl at work with her crush. That's all. Nothing else. I dont feel like that around any else. No one!
I think that's why I dont like so many people. They dont know me and I dont know them. And whenever I think I know them, they do some weird shit that makes me loose respect for them entirely. Its all just one big facade. Thats how I feel about the majority of my "friendships."
I kinda talked to Matt about it. We were talking and I mentioned how I ditched 3 days of school to avoid my friends. Told him about how I didnt really like most of my friends anymore. Told him there wre only like 3 I still liked. He guessed two right away. Sam and Marina. He didnt get Jeremy though. Though with recen information I got, my opinion of him dropped so I'll have to wait till I see him to know if hes still one of the three. *sigh*
Marina is prolly the most complex one of my friends. I feel like as I get closer to her, she gets farther from Sam. And perhaps is really egotistical of me to think it, but I cant help but feel like I'm partly responsible. Makes me wanna stop being close to Marina. Though I like our deep thought provking talks. It exercised my brain. Thats one thing I miss about Neylon. We had lots of talks that provoked my thoughts. Though I can get that with MD too. Hmm.... grrr...
I hate this. I feel so weighed down. Just by bull shit. I hate that I have to avoid most of my friends. I cant avoid them in the morning cause I give Emily a ride to school, and I dont have anyone else to hang out with in the morning. Then 1st hr I have Woods with Jeremy and Shaffer. After that I dont see anyone. Until lunch. I must admit I'm kinda addicted to Euchre at lunch. So I dont wanna give that up. Besides, where else would I sit? Then I have International Relations which is clear and amazing. It also stimulates my brain. ^_^ Then early dismissal, which I suppose I could actually start leaving for. Novel concept, I know.
I could talk to Emily and tell her to start getting a ride somewhere else. Then just veg in the morning in the library or something. And not tell anyone where I go. Then I just have to deal with people during 1st and lunch. Not too bad. Its the mornings I hate most cause I just feel out of place. I always have a hard time putting my mask on now days. So the mornings suck ass.
And then there's my weekends with Matt. Those keep me sane. Even though we yell at each other over stupid crap, I feel normal then. Its so *takes a deep breath* refreshing! I'd like to think our stupid arguments are a Rowlingesque way of us to release tension that would be there without it. That's prolly just wishful thinking though. *sigh* It just sucks that the one person I feel I can be myself around is a person I only see a day or two a week. Like today he called me Rhodes and I yelled at him for it. To him I'm Jessica. If I become Rhodes to him, I dont know what I'd do.
What I need most is my "special someone" so to speak. I know that if I werent so lonely, then my hallow relationships wouldnt bother me. They're normal. I'm just seeking companionship from anywhere so that anything that doesnt seem able to provide that annoys me. Is that wrong? I just want a person I can go to when I wanna cry. A person I can go to when I feel like crap and just want affection. Just a hug. I mean I get hugs all the time but they mean nothing. Theres no love behind them. Their just actions, no feeling. The last hug I had that I felt feeling in was the one from Matt during the "mutual excursion."
*sigh* I'm getting tired of this folks. I really am.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love.
Die for anyone
What have I become?
--- Breaking Benjamin, The Diary of Jane, Phobia
It feels like there's a veil. Its thin, almost so thin, I cant see it sometimes. So I can be happy for moments. I can laugh and joke and almost mean it. I can be a teenager and almost forget hot old I truly feel.
But then the wind blows. And I feel the veil moving more and more, obscuring my view of the people around me. Making me feel isolated and confused. Suddenly everyones just a kid having fun, and I'm the one that no one sees. Well, they see me, see a body at least. They see a body going through the motions, waking each day, laughing at their jokes, writing each paper, taking each step, throwing each card.
They see Rhodes.
But does anyone see Jessica?
Does anyone see the lonely, confused little girl I really am? No. No one does. Sometimes I think that if wouldnt matter if I just left. People would notice that Rhodes was gone. But no one would miss me. They'd miss who they thought I was. That's all.
I'm just tired. Wearing a mask all the time is just so hard. I feel weighed down each moment of my life. Those three days allowed me to take my mask off. To just be me. The only other time I feel free like that is over the weekends when I work with Matt. (Yes folks, MD again.) With him I just feel so special. No, scratch that. I dont feel special at all. And thats that thing. I feel normal then. I dont feel like a fake, I dont feel like I have to pretend I'm happy. In those few hours with him, I actually feel happy. I feel like a normal 17 year old girl at work with her crush. That's all. Nothing else. I dont feel like that around any else. No one!
I think that's why I dont like so many people. They dont know me and I dont know them. And whenever I think I know them, they do some weird shit that makes me loose respect for them entirely. Its all just one big facade. Thats how I feel about the majority of my "friendships."
I kinda talked to Matt about it. We were talking and I mentioned how I ditched 3 days of school to avoid my friends. Told him about how I didnt really like most of my friends anymore. Told him there wre only like 3 I still liked. He guessed two right away. Sam and Marina. He didnt get Jeremy though. Though with recen information I got, my opinion of him dropped so I'll have to wait till I see him to know if hes still one of the three. *sigh*
Marina is prolly the most complex one of my friends. I feel like as I get closer to her, she gets farther from Sam. And perhaps is really egotistical of me to think it, but I cant help but feel like I'm partly responsible. Makes me wanna stop being close to Marina. Though I like our deep thought provking talks. It exercised my brain. Thats one thing I miss about Neylon. We had lots of talks that provoked my thoughts. Though I can get that with MD too. Hmm.... grrr...
I hate this. I feel so weighed down. Just by bull shit. I hate that I have to avoid most of my friends. I cant avoid them in the morning cause I give Emily a ride to school, and I dont have anyone else to hang out with in the morning. Then 1st hr I have Woods with Jeremy and Shaffer. After that I dont see anyone. Until lunch. I must admit I'm kinda addicted to Euchre at lunch. So I dont wanna give that up. Besides, where else would I sit? Then I have International Relations which is clear and amazing. It also stimulates my brain. ^_^ Then early dismissal, which I suppose I could actually start leaving for. Novel concept, I know.
I could talk to Emily and tell her to start getting a ride somewhere else. Then just veg in the morning in the library or something. And not tell anyone where I go. Then I just have to deal with people during 1st and lunch. Not too bad. Its the mornings I hate most cause I just feel out of place. I always have a hard time putting my mask on now days. So the mornings suck ass.
And then there's my weekends with Matt. Those keep me sane. Even though we yell at each other over stupid crap, I feel normal then. Its so *takes a deep breath* refreshing! I'd like to think our stupid arguments are a Rowlingesque way of us to release tension that would be there without it. That's prolly just wishful thinking though. *sigh* It just sucks that the one person I feel I can be myself around is a person I only see a day or two a week. Like today he called me Rhodes and I yelled at him for it. To him I'm Jessica. If I become Rhodes to him, I dont know what I'd do.
What I need most is my "special someone" so to speak. I know that if I werent so lonely, then my hallow relationships wouldnt bother me. They're normal. I'm just seeking companionship from anywhere so that anything that doesnt seem able to provide that annoys me. Is that wrong? I just want a person I can go to when I wanna cry. A person I can go to when I feel like crap and just want affection. Just a hug. I mean I get hugs all the time but they mean nothing. Theres no love behind them. Their just actions, no feeling. The last hug I had that I felt feeling in was the one from Matt during the "mutual excursion."
*sigh* I'm getting tired of this folks. I really am.
ttyl and better days,
---Rhodes
Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love.
Die for anyone
What have I become?
--- Breaking Benjamin, The Diary of Jane, Phobia
Alura - 8:25 PM