[::..Stuck on Repeat..::]
Yeah so the more I try to talk to people, the more I realize that I'm fake. With a few people its ok, I dont feel as fake or like anything's forced. But with others I just sit there thinking, "wow has it really come to this? Digging for conversation from absolutly anything. Forced answers and rolling eyes."
God, its almost like Neylon all over again. On a way different scale of course but process and feelings are the same.
Its sad.
I miss how things were. I wanna go back to being happy. I hate this. I'm on the verge of tears right now as I sit here thinking about how none of my friendships will ever be the same again. Ever! That I'm loosing them all.
Oh yeah, they're right there. I see them all the time, interact with them. But I'm still reserved. Still hiding. I found myself but I'm not showing it to anyone. I dont have anyone I can really trust with my vulnerable self. I'd like to think that I can trust Tracy but I dunno. Like we've said many times in the past, sometimes were both just too messed up to help the other.
It makes it even worse that as much as I wanna talk to someone, I dont know how. I really just dont. I have two IM convos with my friends open right now and I cant tell them any of this. Its horrible. Maybe I should just give up. Resign myself to the fact that I dont have anyone. And wont have anyone.
*sigh* I knew my feelings would fuck up again soon. At least I got to enjoy Friday/Saturday. Thats more then I thought I would get.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
So I said to my reflection, lets get out of this place.
---Frampton Peter, Temptation.
God, its almost like Neylon all over again. On a way different scale of course but process and feelings are the same.
Its sad.
I miss how things were. I wanna go back to being happy. I hate this. I'm on the verge of tears right now as I sit here thinking about how none of my friendships will ever be the same again. Ever! That I'm loosing them all.
Oh yeah, they're right there. I see them all the time, interact with them. But I'm still reserved. Still hiding. I found myself but I'm not showing it to anyone. I dont have anyone I can really trust with my vulnerable self. I'd like to think that I can trust Tracy but I dunno. Like we've said many times in the past, sometimes were both just too messed up to help the other.
It makes it even worse that as much as I wanna talk to someone, I dont know how. I really just dont. I have two IM convos with my friends open right now and I cant tell them any of this. Its horrible. Maybe I should just give up. Resign myself to the fact that I dont have anyone. And wont have anyone.
*sigh* I knew my feelings would fuck up again soon. At least I got to enjoy Friday/Saturday. Thats more then I thought I would get.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
So I said to my reflection, lets get out of this place.
---Frampton Peter, Temptation.
Alura - 9:24 PM