[::..Never Ending..::]
Sometimes I think that my pain, my struggles will never go away.
My past sneaks up on me.
I find my self wanting to hug someone I know could use it and I don’t. Not because I don’t care but because I don’t know how to hug someone. I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t touch people. I know logically, that my past doesn’t make that so, but I can’t help it. Its so degrading, so dirty, so…. Unnatural. I’m just so sick of dealing with things on my own. But I don’t know how to tell anyone. I mean yeah, I’m close to Shaffer and Tracy. Closer then I thought I could be. But I just don’t know how to get over my past. Thank you Ashley Pulley, you successfully ruined me for life. I’ll never be the same, I’ll never be what I could be, have what I could have, go where I could go. Cause you marked me, made me different. Cut me off from others. I’ll never be able to have a real relationship cause I’ll always be in fear of touch, in fear of my heart, in fear of what I am.
My future looms before me.
Selfish as it may sound, I feel like I have the ability to do great. Like, I have what it takes to make a difference in this world. Like a new age Gandhi or King or something. It’s horribly self absorbed but I really think I can. I have this urge to change the world for the better, but I don’t know how. I’m only 18 and I feel like I’ve already wasted my life. I mean, I’m graduating soon and I don’t feel like anyone at that school will me miss. It won’t be years from now that people will remember the name “Jessica Rhodes” like they will Christina Sun, Dave Simnick, etc. I’m a no body at that school, just a number. The potential I think I have is wasted away making sandwiches for people I cant stand, and sets with people that I often find my self wanting to hit. I fear that I’ll never be more then mediocre. My writing is all I think I have and really, what good is that? My friends don’t even recognize me for that. I doubt they’ve even read the vast majority of my stuff. And by writing I don’t mean this damn Blog or fucking fan fics. I don’t pore my heart and effort into them. No I mean my poetry and occasionally lyrics. Those are my soul, my spirit, my heart and my life. Could anyone I know please recognize my accomplishments?
My true self lies elsewhere.
I don’t feel like I belong. I really don’t. Growing up bi-racial/bi-cultural or whatever may be the cause. But I don’t feel like I belong. At home I’m the odd ball. Strange rock tastes, coupled with intense liberalism drizzled with an unnatural obsession with anyone asian/Japanese. At school, yeah I may look like I fit in. But most of the time, I just can’t stand to be around you guys. There’s a piece missing. I thought that you guys getting more into anime was a good thing but no. In the end I’ve lost all originality. I can’t wait to be the odd ball, Asian obsessed one the group next year. But still that won’t solve the problem. The only time I feel truly whole is when I’m doing something Asian. Reading books on Japanese history and the art of war feels me with a sense of completeness. Like that’s what I was meant for. Maybe my past life was a samurai, I dunno. But this world isn’t what I belong in. This “American” culture has no virtue, to rules, nothing. It values money and winning above honor, pride and duty. And there can be no lasting society without those three. Oh, you say that American has been around for a while? Japan has been around almost as long as China and its culture is still based on hard work, honor and duty. And they’re doing just fine despite things such as, loosing WWII. I bet America couldn’t last that shit.
My compassion cowers in fear.
I’m an extremely caring person. I know you all find that hard to believe, but its true. I care so much that I pretend not to care, just to save my sanity. I want to help everyone, solve everyone else’s problems before my own. Again, sounds like I have an ego, but its true. I don’t like to cause anyone trouble. That’s part of the reason I don’t talk to others about my troubles, I don’t want to cause drama. That’s the reason I usually don’t confront people, I don’t wanna cause drama. I just want others to be happy, successfully and peacefully. My life is the life that is meant for pain and hell. And I accept that on the terms that others around me are happy. So as I watch him suffer. I can’t help but feel like I’m not doing my job. Am I not suffering enough for him to be happy? Am I not caring enough to help him through this? How do I show him I care more then I did? Did I miss my chance to help the other day when he came by work? I just want those around me happy, but especially him.
My life is a drop.
I’m a drop of rain. Not enough to be called a storm on its own. Just part of the storm, part of the cycle, nothing special what so ever.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
And I just wished that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
---Linkin Park, My December, Hybrid Theory
My past sneaks up on me.
I find my self wanting to hug someone I know could use it and I don’t. Not because I don’t care but because I don’t know how to hug someone. I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t touch people. I know logically, that my past doesn’t make that so, but I can’t help it. Its so degrading, so dirty, so…. Unnatural. I’m just so sick of dealing with things on my own. But I don’t know how to tell anyone. I mean yeah, I’m close to Shaffer and Tracy. Closer then I thought I could be. But I just don’t know how to get over my past. Thank you Ashley Pulley, you successfully ruined me for life. I’ll never be the same, I’ll never be what I could be, have what I could have, go where I could go. Cause you marked me, made me different. Cut me off from others. I’ll never be able to have a real relationship cause I’ll always be in fear of touch, in fear of my heart, in fear of what I am.
My future looms before me.
Selfish as it may sound, I feel like I have the ability to do great. Like, I have what it takes to make a difference in this world. Like a new age Gandhi or King or something. It’s horribly self absorbed but I really think I can. I have this urge to change the world for the better, but I don’t know how. I’m only 18 and I feel like I’ve already wasted my life. I mean, I’m graduating soon and I don’t feel like anyone at that school will me miss. It won’t be years from now that people will remember the name “Jessica Rhodes” like they will Christina Sun, Dave Simnick, etc. I’m a no body at that school, just a number. The potential I think I have is wasted away making sandwiches for people I cant stand, and sets with people that I often find my self wanting to hit. I fear that I’ll never be more then mediocre. My writing is all I think I have and really, what good is that? My friends don’t even recognize me for that. I doubt they’ve even read the vast majority of my stuff. And by writing I don’t mean this damn Blog or fucking fan fics. I don’t pore my heart and effort into them. No I mean my poetry and occasionally lyrics. Those are my soul, my spirit, my heart and my life. Could anyone I know please recognize my accomplishments?
My true self lies elsewhere.
I don’t feel like I belong. I really don’t. Growing up bi-racial/bi-cultural or whatever may be the cause. But I don’t feel like I belong. At home I’m the odd ball. Strange rock tastes, coupled with intense liberalism drizzled with an unnatural obsession with anyone asian/Japanese. At school, yeah I may look like I fit in. But most of the time, I just can’t stand to be around you guys. There’s a piece missing. I thought that you guys getting more into anime was a good thing but no. In the end I’ve lost all originality. I can’t wait to be the odd ball, Asian obsessed one the group next year. But still that won’t solve the problem. The only time I feel truly whole is when I’m doing something Asian. Reading books on Japanese history and the art of war feels me with a sense of completeness. Like that’s what I was meant for. Maybe my past life was a samurai, I dunno. But this world isn’t what I belong in. This “American” culture has no virtue, to rules, nothing. It values money and winning above honor, pride and duty. And there can be no lasting society without those three. Oh, you say that American has been around for a while? Japan has been around almost as long as China and its culture is still based on hard work, honor and duty. And they’re doing just fine despite things such as, loosing WWII. I bet America couldn’t last that shit.
My compassion cowers in fear.
I’m an extremely caring person. I know you all find that hard to believe, but its true. I care so much that I pretend not to care, just to save my sanity. I want to help everyone, solve everyone else’s problems before my own. Again, sounds like I have an ego, but its true. I don’t like to cause anyone trouble. That’s part of the reason I don’t talk to others about my troubles, I don’t want to cause drama. That’s the reason I usually don’t confront people, I don’t wanna cause drama. I just want others to be happy, successfully and peacefully. My life is the life that is meant for pain and hell. And I accept that on the terms that others around me are happy. So as I watch him suffer. I can’t help but feel like I’m not doing my job. Am I not suffering enough for him to be happy? Am I not caring enough to help him through this? How do I show him I care more then I did? Did I miss my chance to help the other day when he came by work? I just want those around me happy, but especially him.
My life is a drop.
I’m a drop of rain. Not enough to be called a storm on its own. Just part of the storm, part of the cycle, nothing special what so ever.
ttyl and better days,
---Jessica
And I just wished that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
---Linkin Park, My December, Hybrid Theory
Alura - 3:10 AM